Entry 000096; 01.29.01

I REAAAALLY hate it when I get like this. It's so useless. So complainy, so "oh just shut up"-ish.

And so on.

It's starting to get to me. I'm falling into one of those depressing states of mind in which I sit there doubting my self-confidence. Mine! That which should be forged of steel and other durable substances! You'd think with my looks, my wit, charm, intelligence, talent, I would never have an excuse to doubt myself. Yet even us beautiful super-famous star nobel-prize winning athletes have our problems too.

That's the problem. Right there. Sure OK i'm not any of those things. But I mean, I'm decent. I go out of my way to help and take care of my friends, and let them know I care. I stand up for myself and others....at least for others. I don't go out of my way to actually hurt anyone, and overall, I wouldn't think I'm a horrible person. I see myself in the mirror everyday and I think "oh hey that's not that bad at all." And I think and all that...so why is it everytime I make any contact with the outside would, people feel the need to point out everything is wrong with me? I mean yeah OK, I'm not a standard beauty by this society's standards, and I'm not a genius, but I mean I could do a lot worse. So what the fuck?

People, that's what. This society and this race of humanity. In a perfect world, I would be revered and worshipped for the amazing pile of Ashia that I am. Instead, I'm stuck in this world. I'm failing out of school and the only thing I can do is fall back on ART SCHOOL. That doesn't even count as school. The best I can do is be a second choice for NATHAN, and just...erg I dunno I just feel uglier and stupider than I thought I would be by this time in my life.

This isn't even what I was thinking about today. That's just what's been floating around in my head for a while. That in itself is OK easy to push away. I mean, you think logically and you realize not only could life be a lot worse, but I'm not even counting all the cool stuff that I have. Like pocket protectors. I am a GOD with my pocket protectors.

Ok now i'm just making myself more pathetic. This has to stop.

Anyway, my problem is mainly with that coded one I left a couple of days ago. Usually if I write it down and get it out of my head, it becomes story, fiction, plot. I can either pretend it dones't exist, or I can pretend it's just fiction. But this is really bugging me. Part of it is Nathan. I mean how would you feel about yourself If the best you could do was to be a placeholder for someone who doesn't give a damn about you?

Of course, I really can't complain. I mean if it's so bad, I could just tell him to go fuck himself. But the thing is that he's my friend too. And if he can't sleep with me, he'll go sleep with someone else, and hang out with her instead. I'm starting to doubt that they make boys who will just be your friend without asking for anything. Mom says they don't.

Anyway, Nathan gets mad cause I don't react to anything, as mentioned in the previous journal entry on this subject. I'm pretty sure he'll leave soon, cause I guess it makes him feel "bad." Whatever that means to someone who can't feel any emotion.

It's not difficult to believe that I might not be able to find anyone who will have a relationship with me. Ever. Why would anyone want some girl who's broken? Over-emotional, intimidating...oh I could go on and on with all the things people call me every day. All of them are true.

Kaes offered to have sex with me. He claimed I wouldn't associate sex with pain anymore. Well, the entire idea around that seems utterly ridiculous. Sex with a stranger. That's bound to not only make me feel more loved, but yeah I can defintely see where I would not fear sex with some strange new guy. Not to mention that mouth of his. Yes. Sex with someone who looks like Ook. So in addition to being in immense pain, I can worry about being bitten.

Not like he would ever do that. But you know how irrational fears tend to be.

Urg I feel like curling up into a little ball. No matter. This feeling will pass. Eventually. I'll be back to entries about mice and underwear and god knows what else-all. For at least since I'm not good enough to date (urg bitter waves and images of orgasmic show up here too), be friends with, or associate with, I can at least write in my dry, sarcastic, INTIMIDATING MANNER.

Oh I am so scary. I am a hundred and twenty pounds of pure nightmare-stuff. Look at me. Grrrrr.

In other news

The Sandstorm girl came to visit again today...

Or perhaps people don't like me becuase i'm going crazy? Naw.

Anyway, yeah she came to visit. She didn't talk to anyone though, which is probably a blessing, since if you think this personality is intimidating, you should see her. ::shivers::.

I'm gonna do my math homework, then crawl into some stupid little ball or something. Why do i feel like that ugly-monster-creature feeling that I used to get everytime Orgasmic insulted me?

Oh. wait. i know. I'm angsty and dumb.