Entry 000098; 02.03.02

I went to visit Peaches on Friday. I missed my train and ended up having to drive, but it wasn't all that bad. We ate dinner, then visited Steevo.

Later, I drove into Boston and hung out with Drooly and some of the SuperFriends. I didn't get much of Drooly to myself, since all his friends were there, but at least I got a few kisses and hugs.

It's amazing the difference. I miss so much being held by someone who isn't using me as a placeholder, who loves me, and who finds me attractive. I miss my Drooly but I know it doesn't work with us. The other night I cried myself to sleep thinking about it, just wishing I was with someone who gave a shit about me.

The highlight of the visit to Drooly was being half naked in bed with three boys. Oh. Yeah.

I drove him around 1-2ish and got home around three. I was tired like a monkey and passed out immediately. Then I took a shower. Then i passed out immediately. Then I got dressed, then I passed out immediately.

I woke up Saturday morning perfectly awake, but really wishing I didn't have to go anywhere. "Oh gosh this is going to be a horrible day" I thought to myself. I am such an optimist. Kaes showed up on time, but he was horribly hung over, and almost threw up on the walk to the train station. Then we took the train to boston, and after the second stop, the train broke down and we were stranded for a few hours until a train could come pick us up, and that took a while to get back to Boston as well. We got on a train at 9:30, and got off around 2:45.

I told Kaes the truth about me not really having a boyfriend, since I figured he's proven that he doens't want to get into my pants (he remained my friend even after he "knew" i had a boyfriend). I had been feeling really bad about lying, but really it's a matter of survival in this horrible place of assholes. I guess Kaes took it the wrong way, as if I was interested in him, and now he keeps poking me and stuff. It's really invading my personal bubble and towards the end of hanging out with him, it was starting to piss me off.

I told him as soon as I was going home, I was going to take a nap (aka DON'T COME OVER) and he asked if I needed a cuddle buddy. Ugh I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life. I don't understand why every single person here is incapable of seeing me as a person, and only sees me as something to fuck.

So anyway I tried that experiment. The one where I focus on one person so I don't get all confused and discombobulated in a crowd of people. So I figured while I was hanging out with Kaes, I would just focus on him. It was an easy read, at least. But the thing is he was so sick it was making me sick to read him. So by the end I ended up as if I had been the one with a hangover. Remind me not to hang out with him so much anymore.