Entry 000098; 02.03.02

I missed the riots. I MISSED THE RIOTS!! GRR!!

I've always wanted to take pictures of a riot. I can't believe I completely neglected to realize that if the patriots won, there would be riots all over the place. Yet. You know what I did? I stayed home all day. Then I took a shower. I didn't even think to go into the streets with my camera. What kind of photographer am I? A failure. That's what.

In front of Drooly's dorm, they were throwing around fiery toiletpaper, dumping water (and probably beer) out of windows, throwing beer cans, lighting fires and they FLIPPED A CAR, and where was I?

In the shower.

Now, living in Worceser, you know something tacky and white trash was probably going out right on main street a couple of blocks away. But I am such a fool. Imagine the pictures I could have gotten if I was with Drooly. Imagine the expressions on the faces of the people who were a part of that mob, the expressions as they flipped that car, the flames in the background, the tensed muscles and the strain of weight.

Black and white. It would have made for the best series of photos since the starfilter carnival ones from Maine.

In other news.

I'm going to go visit the Droolymeister on Tuesday. Of course it figures that since we set the limit at waiting a month to see each other, as soon as we can we'd visit each other like mad. But hell, as I said I miss being held by someone who loves me. And he's always talking about showing me off to his friends. How can that NOT be a boost to the ego? According to him it always impresses his friends or something. I'll have to look extra gorgeous. (You people shut up. I know what you are thinking. Just leave me with my delusions you evil bastards.).

I was feeling like serious shit this morning. (Or afternoon...whenever I wake up) So I devoted some time to...well taking another nap and thinking and deciding about some things. I have these inner conversations between two varying personalities. They take turns being illogical. The main point was the decision between self-esteem and loneliness. I ended up at least temporarily opting to ditch self-esteem, for the most ridiculous reasons. "What if the nightmares start again?" Well, my grandmother is already dead, what more do I have to dream about?

Unforuntately there are always things waiting to happen. And regardless of whether those nightmares are overwith, the Marcus ones will still come if I don't fight them, and whatever else my brain feels like spewing.

Stupid brain.

Oh god it just occured to me how little got done today. I played minesweeper, took a nap, and took a shower. I am a lazy, fat American. Oh yeah I hate. Fat.

Speaking of which, I think I am getting a little more porky. I dunno, I kind of assumed while I was getting thin that I would get normal-sized again, just because it's more healthy and I really can't afford too many new clothes in this size. But I get so many people saying stupid shit like "You used to be fat" that it's making me feel bad. I mean that's what I count as the real me. This skinny thing I'm in was just a temporary invention of the personality I made to get Org to like me. So not only was it a failure, but when I go back, I will have the added wieght of knowing people think I'm fat. This sucks.

Maybe I'll just stay thin. It isn't hard. All I have to do is not excersize, and not eat when I'm not hungry/busy. I don't understand how people CAN get fat actually.

In other news

Oog I still have a mild headache from the mental-hangover Kaes and the crowds of people gave me. I really don't want to do that again anytime soon. Also annoying is that I have to take the train to visit Drooly. And I'm not feeling too happy about the trains these days. I can't have him come here because I'm worried that if I start having Drooly hang out here after I went berserk on Nathan, Nathan will have his insipid girl creatures over more. It always happens that way for some reason. Ok I take that back. Only one of them is insipid. Dominant I's I say!

I feel so disgusting and useless. Nothing, the entire day. No homework done, nothing drawn, pictured, cleaned. I'll have to promise myself I never do it again.