Entry 000113; 02.28.02
I never did understand that tendency I have to kick myself in the head repeatedly. Mentally, that is. And yet here I am, doing it again.
I promised I'd work on some writing stuff during vacation. I was actually going to start with Mis, then move on to my Clark application. Unfortunately I've hit a snag, and my mind won't get off...It. The monologue. It was badly written. This of course, is an excuse. There are some things I just don't want people to know about me, and this is probably the one and only thing above all else. Yet it's nagging at me. Also it's so short...a subject like that needs weight. Needless to say, I've been circling these excuses around in my head for a couple of hours, trying to think up excuses to just stay away from it. But it keeps nagging. And then of course...there is the full text.
I'd almost forgotten about it. The first thing I've done that's over a page since I left high school. However, it's the same subject. I started it in York, of all places (could there be any other?) and as soon as I left I put it down and out of mind. It's survival really. Things can only absorb you so much before you become a veggitable.
This kind of thing... It's guilt. It's saddness. But more than a little bit of it is rage. A lot of people would say there is no God in a world that could do things like this. The kind of rage...It's like when Robert told me one time his dog died, and he went outside and swore at god in various different ways...it's that kind of rage. Oh this kind of thing, it makes me believe in god more than if it hadn't happened. God is a child with a magnifying glass. And we are the toy soldiers.
Anyway, I'll unfold that crumbly piece of parchment. I'll look through and see what I find, see if I can put off confessions for another several years.
Later...
It's in. Fiction. Because people don't ask questions about fiction.