Entry 000115; 03.05.02

Today Drooly told me about the load of things wrong with me and I got upset. Because, of course, they were all completely right. He didn't care that I yelled at him because he never listens unless I yell. And in that, he was right as well. Who cares for why when the damage is done? There are of course, millions of other reasons as to why I'm the bitch that I am, but who cares? The damage is done.

Sneaking suspicions keep bobbing thier heads as to whether or not Drooly has ever actually loved me. But just push those down. Because they are wrong. Right? Things that he does that look "selfish" are forgetful. Things that he does that are "insensitive" are just things he doesn't know better about. Yes, push them down becuase they are wrong. But also push them down because the idea that the only person who could consider me as a REAL GIRL is selfish and uncaring is something I don't want to think about. Ideas that are too painful to entertain.

So this entire time I've been going out with Drooly, or rather, knowing Drooly, all I've done is shout and yell. And yeah it's all true. I'm critical and condescending. It doesn't matter that he doesn't listen otherwise. It doesn't matter that I've tried other methods of pounding information as to how to treat me into his head. It doens't matter how much money I spend on him, how much of my time I spend on him, or how much of my love and effort I spend on him. Some things are unexcusable, and this is one of them.

I've been prey to twisted logic. I became so bitter last year about spending all my weekends visiting him and paying for his stuff, and all of my evenings waiting by the phone so he wouldn't get sad and lonely, I wanted him to do the same for me this year. Of course that is ridiculous. Because I wasted all my time on him last year, I not only started to hate him, but I also ended up with no friends here. I even lost my bestfriend because I was too stupid to leave Drooly. So now that I have no friends etc etc, I wanted him to waste all his time on me. This of course is ridiculous, he's too logical to fall prey to my whims and fancies.

So I've grown tired of asking him to visit me. I've grown tired of asking if I can visit him. I've grown tired of asking why he doens't talk to me online etc etc etc. So chaulk it up to another fucked up relationship. This is my punishment for asking him to think of me as a REAL GIRL. I've probably cursed him, having started out with me has probably sullied his good name and no REAL GIRL will ever touch him.

Blah blah blah, Ashia sucks, blah blah, the end. I hate you all.