Entry 000120; 03.15.02

I have this tiny, sneaking suspicion that Nathan is a lying piece of shit.

Of course, since he is my friend, it is my duty to believe his word and trust him. But his actions and manner are like a bright neon sign over his head, flashing and buzzing "DICKHEAD."

I spend nights acutely aware that he not only sleeps a foot and a half away from me, but he does it with his back to me. How insulting.

It's funny...because as his friend, I'm supposed to just believe him when he says I'm not a placeholder. And I'm supposed to believe him when he says he cares about me. And I'm supposed to believe him when he says I'm his best friend here.

But how easy is it to believe all that when he won't even hang out with me? At the beginning of the year, before I was just his personal heating blanket, he used to come into my room for hours and hang out and talk to me. Now, he claims since he doesn't have homework he can read in here, he has to stay in his room. Ridiculously enough, everytime I look at him in his room, he's not doing homework on the computer, he's playing video games. Let's not even think about the fact that he never really got any reading done while he was sitting in my room talking to me, unless he's a lot more skilled than I think.

Well, I told myself, let's not be one-sided. If I want to hang out with him, I should go visit him. So I did. Amazingly, for a person who finds it impossible to not listen to conversations around him, he claims he can't even hear me when I come into his room and talk to him. So I sit there, like an idiot, talking to a person who won't even grunt in reply.

For a best friend, my presence and conversation is highly prized. I'm sick of people who throw the words around like a cheap ring out of a quarter dispenser. As a best friend, he pays close attention to how miserable this makes me. Sometimes(ok a couple of times) he even notices that I cry myself to sleep. Of course this is two times out of...an average of twice a week, but hey, he's a busy, tired boy, full of video games to play and sleep to get.

But wait. I'm being unfair. Nathan does come visit me. In fact, he spends hours in my room. Of course, he's dead asleep the entire time. I've tried catching him before he goes to sleep to talk to him, and I recieve witty, intelligent monosyllabic grunts in reply.

So indeed...how crazy of me to believe that I am nothing but a placeholder. This feeling of being a pet kept in a cage until he feels like playing with me is completely irrational, no? Wherever does this feeling of being a whore come from? Must be my imagination.