Entry 000126; 04.05.02

Erm.

I thought this would be a lot less complicated and bad than it turned out to be. If Jason had just turned out to be less than the un-attainable crush that I had envisioned, things would be ok. If he had been a heavier smoker, things would be ok. If he had been the age I thought he was, things would be OKAY.

There were a million things that should have gone wrong that didn't. There were a million things I was hoping to catch in him and use to dislike him, but the fucker didn't let any of them show. For now, at least.

Anyway, I was going to make an entry yesterday, but I forgot. I got an email from Adam yesterday, we haven't been talking that much because he's been busy with what i'll mention later, and I've been busy with work. His email made me SO HAPPY. He's been in love with this girl who is perfect for him for six months. They are best friends, they get along wonderfully, and he was pretty sure she wasn't interested in him, and he didn't want to ruin thier relationship by telling her he loved her. But he did, and she loves him back, and the last I heard, he spent a night cuddling with her and a day gazing into her eyes and I was sqealing with happy for him when I read the email. See? That's the perfect love story that turns out. That's how it should be. That's how the movies are.

Everything would have been perfect if I had just picked a different crush. Or if he had picked a different waitress to ask out. There are plenty of cute girls there, why did he pick me?! Or even if some other person was attracted to me, that would be fine too. Or if Nathan had waited another week to tell me he cared about me. I would feel no moral obligations toward anyone.

Instead, Jason asks me out the day after Nathan admits ("admit" being the key word here) that he loves me. Well jesus. If he had told me earlier, I would have kept myself from making any crushes. If he had told me afterwards, I wouldn't feel a moral obligation to ensure I don't hurt him.

I had been panicked before Nicole told me Jason was a slut. Then it was ok. I would go on one date, realize he is nothing like the imaginary Jason I had a crush on, be turned off by his chain smoking, his bad table manners, his sluttiness, or whatever else I could grab onto and blow into unreasonable proportions, and go back to my Nathan perfectly happy and content that Nathan is the best. I even figured Jason wouldn't call and we wouldn't go out at all.

But he did call, He post-poned the date and everything, just like a good jerk would do. I figured he might even just cancel. It makes sense, this being my first date ever.

So I took the extra time to go clean out my car. While I was there I fed the cats. And while I was feeding the cats, I noticed one of them was a mom-cat. So i went a-hunting for kittens in the basement. I was shaking and nervous, positive that I would find some horrible scene of stillborn kittens or dead or dying things. Instead I found two healthy little fluff-balls. I scooped them up without any trouble while the mom was eating, and ran to Sam's to call Sarah to ask where her vet was. This was, of course, after I had changed for the date. Wondering whether what I was wearing was good enough/formal enough/unformal enough was no longer something I was thinking about, and I ended up getting cat hair all over my nice black clothes.

When I got home I tried to catch the mom, failed, tried to find a surrogate mother, failed, and made an attempt at shaking the cat hair out of my clothes...and failed. Then I called the vet (which was closed..so in a way, failing) and ended up driving to petco with two kittens in a basket looking for kitten formula. The girl there told me to get a normal baby bottle for the kitten formula because the little ones don't work, but it was only after I was halfway home before I realized a baby bottle nipple would be way too big for the kittens. I ended up buying a bottle anyway just because I had no other choice, and running to the mall for another batch of clothes for tonight. I got something more formal than I was wearing earlier, which made me a little nervous, but time was a factor. I got out of the mall at 9:30. I tried to feed the kittens and get dressed and ready and somehow managed to be ready by 10. The kittens didn't eat. They still won't eat, because the fucking nipple is too big.

When I got to Sam's I felt stupid. I knew I was going to be way too dressed up. I mean, he was just coming out of work, probably covered in buffalo sauce and flour. When he showed up (it turned out he had left work at 9:45 to shower and change) man was I glad I had changed my clothes. Apparantly he had been listening closely when I said guys in dress shirts are hot. And CHRIST was he hot.

So I drove us to Vinnie Testas. My favorite restaurant. Score one grudging point for him, (added to the huge points for being ridiculously cute). I looked for bad table manners. Failed. Looked for rudeness to people. Failed. Looked for awkward silences in conversation or ANY SIGN that he was a dick. Failed. Maybe next time?

Then we played pool, which he was disgustingly good at. Then we came to my house, where he was disgustingly polite. Then we went for a walk, where he was disgustingly charming to my friends, and then disgustingly fun to talk to while we walked around Worcester and took me to see stars and made comments on what cool pictures to take.

"He's going nowhere." I kept on saying to myself. "He works as a cook at Tortilla Sam's. He doens't go to school." But it's useless. He works constantly, he wants to be a chef and he's good at it and will probably find a job soon enough. "He might move to Oregon in a few months." But the odds are null and...who cares if he's only a cook? I'm only a photographer.

I dunno. Nicole's accusations of him being a slut might still prove to be worth something. And he could be lying. Hell, he could be just wanting a quick fuck (in which case he's picked the absolutely most ridiculous target).

But I really like him. And what if he's not? Chances are both ways in both directions and when I think of the way he apologized for brushing my arm while we were walking and those looks and that hug and that kiss I missed and put on his bottom lip real quick....well I feel like bashing my head into a wall and passing out for a few hours..days..years.

I love Nathan. Oh I do. Have for a while. I've known we'd end up together since last year. And he is with the grain, whereas Jason is not anywhere in the forest. But Nathan used me once. And he took a long time to admit caring about me. And he only admitted he loved me after I spent a night crying. And I still can't figure out how we could work together, what with his prancing, and my disgust at a lot of the things he does/has done.

But I love him. And I only like Jason. Jason is a gamble. Jason is most likley to turn out to be a casual date at the most whereas I would want to be with Nathan for a while. And if I turn Jason down, that's just one of his nights wasted. If I turn Nathan down, that's Nathan's whole year wasted, and I have to live with him knowing that I've hurt him for at least the next year. I've put so much work into being with Nathan, wasted so much crying and stress and mental anguish it seems silly to just quit if some guy I only like comes along (who might even be going home to sleep with some girl right now like I'm going home to sleep with Nathan).

Then again, why did Nathan have to make me cry so much?