Entry 000130; 04.22.02
EEEERRGGGHHH.
If Jason is trying to get into my pants, which all of his background and all of my experiences suggest, he is going about it in a sickeningly complex mind-fuck way. Everytime he gets a thought in his head to do anything, he goes home. Christ. If I did the same for him, I'd never see him. I haven't done any schoolwork or gone to any classes for the past week for the following reasons, in order of degree of occupacity. Work. Kittens. Jason.
Not missing school is bad, but I still have a week to buckle down, read, write, and get ready for exams. But tonight I noticed I forgot Marcus's Birthday on Monday. His fucking birthday. I feel like the biggest piece of shit. I was the only one who was going to remember, and I was the only one who would be acknowledging it. And I forgot? Know why? Cause I was too preoccupied by pretty boys and fuzzy animals. Part of me wants to take it as a sign that I had such a wonderful day on Monday, but the other part of me feels like the biggest dick ever. Maybe this is his way of forgiving me? Saying things are ok? Maybe this is his way of saying he loves me, etc etc etc. Or maybe I'm just an asshole who is too preoccupied and self-centered to think of other people.
Speaking of other people, Nathan has been spending every moment playing Diablo II with Peter. He wants to schedule time with me. Fuck. I spent Friday talking with Liam about how I should stay away from Jason and stick with Nathan and make things work, but somehow my train of thought would always land on what a dick Nathan is. All the shit we've been though..for what? Am I to say that since we've gone through it all, it'd be stupid to waste it and not start a relationship, or am I to say we shouldn't have gone through shit in the first place?
Confusing thoughts. And it doesn't help that Jason is all the things I should stay away from, but he's everything I want. I don't know shit about him, but the little I know points to STAY THE FUCK AWAY. Mom made a good argument against him, and mom is never wrong. But christ I miss being this attracted to someone. And I miss talking to someone like I talk to him. Then again, he wouldn't have been such a slut without that pretty face, and he wouldn't have been a slut if he wasn't charming. Ugh but the logical facts are so achingly wrong. It's like a bad TV movie.
I feel an obligation to stay with Nathan though. Because I made him go through hte trouble of admitting he loved me. And because he's wasted his year on me, given up a couple of girl creatures for me...etc. Then again, he won't hang out with me, won't talk to me, and several people have pointed out that obligation is the stupidest reason in the world for staying with someone. Including Nathan, when discussing the same circumstances in different situations.
