Entry 000132; 05.03.02

At the rish of pulling an Anton, this entry is going to be nothing but complaining and discussing of various boys. I'm disgusted with myself, but it's been that kind of week.

Orgasmic left at 8:00 am Thursday morning. Right before he went to sleep I went into his room to say goodbye to him. I'll never talk to him again, and I'll never see him again. Knowing that he was once my best friend - the person I spent every living moment with - this week was very hard for me. He asked for a hug and I gave him one, and I just started crying. We apologized to each other and he admitted he still loved me. But so long after ditching me, it's too late for it to matter. It was nice though, that the old Orgasmic was there when I said bye instead of the pod-person Orgasmic that came back from Kansas in August. Nathan was gone for the week, and Jason had to go for a walk that night, I spent the night falling asleep and waking up every five minutes, remembering that my Orgasmic was under the same roof for the last time, and I'd never see him again. I still can't look into that section of the house without sobbing.

At least he's gone. No more awkward silences, no more questions and yelling and ranting at him. Soon, I'll forget all about him and it'll be like I never knew him.

Tuesday night I hung out with Nathan a little before he left Wednesday morning. We discussed the cuddling thing. I know I dragged things out wiht Drooly too long by doing that, and I ruined my friendship with Orgasmic doing that...so we decided just not to do it anymore - The next day. We had previously discussed things and figured maybe when I was older, 25ish or so, we would work better together. Not now though. There are too many bad things said that I wouldn't be able to forget about without space. So I spent Tuesday night trying to fit in six years or so worth of kisses and trying to memorize the feel of his hugs and appreciate them as much as possible while I could.

I miss him like crazy. I keep asking myself why I have decided to do such a stupid thing. We love each other, we are both around...so why are we staying apart? It seems like a stupid idea until I remember what it's like to be with him. I think if I stayed with him now, it'd ruin any serious chance, so I'll wait. And see. And if anything is supposed to happen in the far future, it will.

I spent yesterday with Jason and mom. Mom thinks he's a nice guy, but she made sure to threaten him at every possible chance. Tino was suprisingly friendly, though he did violently threaten Jason as well. I'd like to say I had a great time and everything, but my mind was too far on Nathan and how much I wished I was around him. Jason did, however, keep most of my mind off of Orgasmic, and for that I was greatful.

Jason asked mom if she would mind if he dated me, and she said it was my choice. I told him that if anything happened, it wouldn't be for a while. I'd like to at least wait until I stop wishing I was with Nathan instead. I'd like to wait until I care about him, also, know him for more than a couple of weeks. I find myself less interested as the time goes on...not just because of him, but because the fairy tale idea of someone being interested in me as a first choice wears itself off after a while. Because I miss Nathan so much, because I have a lot on my mind. But I'm not going back to Nathan, nor would I tell Nathan that I was thinking anything of the sort, he deserves better than to bestrung along on maybe's and whims. So I'll wait. And if Jason turns out to be OK, and I start to care about him, then I'll go out with him. If not, I'll just be single, which was the plan earlier this year before Nathan started sleeping with. A vacation would be nice.