Entry 000133; 05.13.02

It's occured to me that there is absolutely nothing I can do to make Nathan happy. Every five minutes, I'm doing something wrong. Repeatedly. I thought things would get better and he wouldn't find so many things that I did wrong once I stopped sleeping with him, and for a little while they did. Yet again, I still can't go a day without doing something wrong. If I do something he's already told me about, he gets even MORE angry about it, because I should KNOW not to do it. I can't even remember all the things wrong with me. Part of me wants him to make a list so I can at least keep them indexed, but imagine how horrible it feels to be presented with a comprehensive list of everything that is wrong, bad, and stupid about yourselves.

Jason has pretty much stopped talking to me. he cancels everytime we make plans to hang out. Hypothesis #1, (this one is accordng to him) is that he has a lot of things on his mind, and he says he does this to everyone when something like this happens. My response to hypothesis 1, which is the one I am going to assume is true for the sake of my own dignity, is to just leave him alone I guess. I told him to call ME when he wants to hang out, and for HIM to tell me when he wants to hang out...he did and he canceled on me anyway. Juvenile. Eiher way...how often does he get like this? And if it happens as much as I suspect it does, I really don't want to be pushed aside everytime he is feeling a little stressed. I think I deserve a little more respect than that. And again- it's juvenile.

Hypothesis #2 - the one I fear is true and makes more sense, is that since I reminded him Friday about the no sex thing, he has changed his mind about dating me. I decided to have that conversation at a very very stupid point in my brain activity. (During a fight with nathan) and I seriously regret it now. But either way -- it's just a reminder that no, no one is willing to go through any effort on my account, and no, I never really was and never will be a first choice. Resume the moping.

Hypothesis #3 is also according to Jason. Nathan's been telling people (or people have been assuming) that I've been "hooking up" with Nathan, and I'm really just "playing" both Nathan and Jason. The utter ridiculousness of the idea that I could be capable of such a feat in my position as the girl that no one wants, paired with the nonsense linguistics people are using for the elements of the conflict, make me believe this hypothesis even less. If it is true, then Jason is a dick for believing them over me, especially when I take everything he says in good faith.

Work is going ridiculous slow. I've made about two hundred dollars in tips for 30something hours of work...and this week they are giving me even less hours. I'm thinking of picking up another job, though even with the horrible pay I'm recieving now, I can't imagine I'd get paid much more doing anything else.

I tried to call Lychee to talk about how upset I was about the Jason thing. And just like Lychee, she was too busy to talk, hang out, anything. She said a couple of things along the lines of "I told you so" or "are you surprised?" which I think is a horrible thing to say to someone in my position. Again, this is the fault of my own stupidity, expecting her to be here for me when I need her.

Nathan and I went to visit mom on Saturday for a pre-mothers' day shindig. It went well, no horrible conflicts, no projectile flying objects.