Entry 000134; 05.16.02

Aha. There she is. And how fitting she's born of anger. So me.

Last night I talked to Lindsey around 3AMish. I found out that after Jason ditched me Sunday night, he called her up and went to play pool. I could hear the excuses in my head that he would come up with. Some of which might sound plausible. Some of them which he might actually believe. All of them complete lies.

I of course did the first thing that I always do. Told myself that I was a freak that no one would ever want. Told myself I took too long, told myself to regret everything I've ever done. Told myself I'm paying for sins I was too upset to remember. I felt like being swallowed up into the ground. I then did the same thing I always feel like doing when I get superbly rejected. I decided to get the fuck out of Dodge for a few hours. I ran away.

Around 4aM I got into the car with a box of tissues. I didn't even have my wallet because I had left it in Nathan's room and I didn't want to wake him up. I got all the way to the exit to I-90 off 495 south before I realized that no place I could go would offer me any solice. I couldn't run to the Northshore because there was simply nothing there. I couldn't run to Boston because I had no idea of what to do there, and all the people I would wake up at 5 in the morning would probably not greet me with open arms. I couldn't go to Norwell because I would just feel angry at Lychee for not being here for me. I thought of going back to Randolph, but what could I do but sit outside my home and feel nothing but frustration at the fact that I wasn't allowed in? No place I could go offered me any solace, but I couldn't go home. I thought of just driving west in search of empty highways and scenes that would occupy my thoughts. Anything to get me to stop feeling sorry for myself. The stupid fears of being stranded with a flat tire on a deserted road, running through towns in search of a gas station on an empty tank, worn-out batteries in a cell phone exauhsted me with the reminder that I am far too careful with everything to ever risk anything.

I took RT 9 home, defeated and sulking back home with my tail between my legs. The mundane insult of life wins again. I tried to break my sulk with thoughts of why life is worth living-what is good and what I can rely on. My brain, riddled with low-self esteem and a narrow view, came up with null. unfortuantely, I am in a much better state at the present moment, and I still can't think of anything worth living for. I have Nathan, this is true. But how long will it be before I am gently shoved aside for a girlfriend? We've discussed this, and the invevitable end result will be the immersion of his being into whomever it is he chooses to date. Nathan won't need me for long. My mother no longer needs me as a motivation to perform the daily function of living, and all of those friends who turn to me when they need help...Lychee, Davey, etc...I'm not feeling too generous towards them at the moment, as they are never there for me when I need them.

It occured to me that there was absolutely no reason to bother living. No one would ever date me. I won't have children, and the since I believe in reincarnation and a vague form of fate, the stray cats of the world would not suffer too much more if I ceased to exist.

Absurdly, I came to a conclusion that I developed years ago- why rush it? All death is ultimately certain. Life is just filler for those who wait instead of act immediately. Surprisingly, I found myself fearing death even less than previously - looking foward to it with more gusto. True, I have my own completely different reasons for looking foward to it, but this added a boost to my motivations.

of course I see the conflicts in theories - why be careful not to be in a bad situation when i had no reason for being alive? Why feel bad for myself when the thing I detest most in Jason is his juvenile angst? These and otehrs occured to me, trust me. Yet the conflicts aren't intense enough to create any change in the idea of it all.I decided halfway home to simply wait for death. The epiphany is a dull one - I admit. But the way in which it fits snugly against my tendencies toward passive rebelliousness and sloth-like laziness are so enticing.

The wish to sink into a nice deep swamp of quicksand wouldn't leave, regardless of my logical attempts to stamp it out. To counteract any irregular indecisions I might have suffered over the night, I went straight to Nathan's room when I got home and didn't leave until I was feeling less hopeless.

In the morning, I brought the kittens over to Magoo's to be sat-upon. On the way up I saw Jason in the kitchen of Sam's and figured oh hey - what the hell. The only goal I have in life is to die, so what harm could embarrassing myself further do?

I told him about finding out about Sunday. I listened to his lame excuses, the exact ones I knew he'd spew like a mid-90's AI bot, and told him if he wanted to break it off, he should tell me straight, honestly, and without cowardice. I told him his actions are juvenile and angsty. No, I did not tell him I "thought" his actions were. I told him as fact. I felt no need to buffer what I say with pleasing methods of phrasing - what would it buy me for all the effort? If he wants me, he can treat me with some decency, and he can act like an adult. If he continued to keep me in a limbo with his self centered moping, he would find my proverbial foot up his proverbial ass.

Words flowed from me like smooth ink. There was no stutter, stumble, mix up and jibe of words. And all of a sudden I realized - there she was. Sitting there coiled up like a cougar hypnotizing prey before pouncing. There was my sandstorm girl, awash with seething power and twirling coils of stinging, sharp, rusty wire around this poor fool who chose to neglect the wrong girl at the wrong time. I sort of felt sorry for him. Sort of.

She didn't stay long but oh, what a wonderful time for her to visit.

In other news...

I went to Amy's birthday party tonight with Liam. We had a good time, and it was awesome to see her again. I met Wayne, her soon-to-be kitty, and a couple of her friends. We got home early, around midnight, and I spent the rest of the night watching cartoons with Nathan and then reading while he slept. I was assaulted and reminded with an array of disgusting facts about his hygene habits that were very nice for helping me to deal with not sleeping with him anymore.

As of the present, he tells me he loves me all the time now - suddenly I've turned from a hideous Gorgeon into some kind of beautiful human thing. It's nice, but the volume alone of the complements constantly pushes the absurdity of the human mind into thought - people really only treat you nicely when they think they are losing you. How ridiculous that they would put effort into someone they think would do such a horrible thing, whereas they treat those who support them as furniture. Either way, it won't last long, he'll find a girlfriend or something to that effect, and suddenly I'll be nothing more than a strange occurance of his past.