Entry 000135; 05.24.02

I started an entry 000135 yesterday but I closed the browser before I finished it. Since I can't even remember what I wrote, i'll assume it was nothing interesting.

So to get talking about the boys overwith, i'll update the journal with the fact that Jason is speaking to me again. And yes, it is because he "pushed me away" because he was getting too close (???). And yes, he did warn me beforehand. So it was nothing I was doing wrong, it wasn't him treating me as a joke. And he gave me fair warning anyway.

Why then, is he so utterly unnattractive to me now? I find his conversation boring and his humor juvenile. Why do I spend every minute with him wondering if Nathan is sad? Nathan wouldn't think twice about me if he had another girl to hang out with. Or even a video game in front of him.

So the conclusion I fear I'm reaching is that Jason's actions are just way too angsty and juvenile. I don't care about him enough to put up with them. Doing so would be too disrespectful to myselves.

However, I worry that it's not just that, I worry that it's Nathan. If the only reason I find Jason unappealing is because I love Nathan, that's stupid. Because whether I go out with Jason or not, Nathan is now off-limits to me. Let's ignore the fact that it would be rude of me to try out another boy and once I get sick of him, to go back to Nathan. Let's focus on the fact that regardless of whether Nathan loves me or not, he wants me to change. And if what kind of love do you have for a person whom you want to change? Besides, since he refuses to exercise, he'll probably die of a heart attack in a year or two anyway.

There is also that thing about his best friend/girlfriend thing. Everytime he goes near another girl, I worry that he'll start dating her and hence replace me as a best friend. Jesus, I shouldn't be forced to worry about something like that. That's twisted. And if I did go out with him...I'd worry that he'd kill himself for not having a soulmate by whatever age it is he's decided on. Also twisted.

Anyway, i'm getting bored and sick of thinking about this. Unlike Anton, my life and who I am is not dictated by my relationship with members of the opposite sex. The only thing that keeps me from worrying about that is that it's not my 'romantic' relationship with Nathan I'm worried about, it's my friendship, which the stupid bastard has decided to tie-in with un-platonic elements. Twisted.

It's taken a goddamn long time for decent weather to show up. It's the end of may and only now showing the faint traces of becoming summer. What the hell? Not like i like summer- I hate sweating when I'm not even exerting myself. But I'm getting tired of shivering and that ouchy thing that your legs do when you shave them and then you get goose-bumps. Goddamit.

I'm gonna see if I can try and start hanging out with Amy a lot more. I try to ask Nathan if he will hang out with me on my days off and when I get out of work early, and he says sure, and then I end up waiting hours and hours for him to stop playing videogames, which he only does when Robert is asleep. Hanging out with Amy will require a noticibly more female personality, which is a little draining, but it's worth it since unlike Nathan and Jason, she doesn't make me feel like there is something wrong with me.

I'm thinking I need to start some form of exercise soon. I've been eating like a pig, and not just good-for-me stuff. For some reason I'm not getting cravings anymore, so I have no idea what my body needs. I end up just shoving food in my mouth a lot when I'm bored, and now that I don't have homework and work to do, i'm always bored.

I'm thinking of doing something special for Davey's birthday, even though we haven't spoken since he ditched me B term. He still hasn't payed me back for that stupid ticket either. The thing is I don't know whether he's at home or school, and i certainly don't want to track between the south shore and boston wearing a chicken suit, dragging balloons behind me. I'll probably just call him. I wonder why I should bother doing anything for him regardless of what day it is, but I have to keep up with the principle of the thing. I would want people to give a shit about me, so I might as well keep trying, in hopes that he learns something and does something for someone else. Eventually.