Entry 000140; 06.28.02

So I've thought about it. I think the main problem is that I just don't like who I am and what my life is like at this very moment. This never bothered me in the past, since I expected, or at least had hope for, a better life and a better situation in the future. My expectations and hopes have not changed. Well, ok maybe they've downgraded a little, but only as much as you'd expect what with the common appearance of reality as I grow older.

So the question is, why am I so miserable, given that things will undoubtedly change? Perhaps it's the growing probability that future circumstances will fare no better. Yet, the undesirable is just as likely as the desirable, perhaps even less likely if I can force myself back into a logical method of thought and existance.

Or perhaps I'm just getting sick of simply bearing the present circumstances with idle promises that things will become better. I do not remember a time when I was perfectly happy in the present. All my past mind-states have revolved around "ok let's just get through this day/month/year/period of education and once it's over it's over, and everything will be much better." This is not to say once it was over, things were not better. All those things did end. It's just that I failed to take into account that all the bad things end, only to be replaced by more bad things.

It's a viscious cycle of pessimism. One that offers little chance of hope. With the absence of such, killing yourself really does look like a good idea. When you realize that you want a divorce and you aren't married, aren't even seeing anyone - or when you are forced to serve your old slutty roomates with a painful smile on your face while they blow smoke at you, and you realize this is sadly, accurately symbollic of how the rest of your life will be - or while you are pressured into immoral things by people who are supposed to protect you and teach you right from wrong - the color just drains out of everything.

In refference to the previously mentioned immorality...I never thought of myself as impressionable or lenient in my beliefs (though certainly not staunch - oh no not ever)...yet what with my embarkment into illegally impersonating other people, cheating large, impersonal systems, and doing the base minimum in my current employment, I find I just don't give a shit about all the other immoral stuff I thought I was above. Having to work so hard for the little money I recieve makes me believe I really should start stealing and embezzling whenever I get the chance. Etc etc etc. It's quite unnerving, being so easily desensetized.

So back to reference to the hopelessness of things - I've settled on a compromise. Living really is becoming more of a bother than it's worth to sate what curiosity I have left motivating my will to live. However, I never really could force myself to do anything I couldn't backtrack on, anything I might actually regret. The compromise is to kill myself, but in one of those ambiguous ways that would not make me sound like an angsty teenager. I'll die not in some gloriously stamping way (though I do like the idea of just shutting off all the noise of life like i'd just flick a lightswitch off), but as a result of one of those things everyone does but just neglects to stop. I'd start smoking, but unfortunately I'm allergic. I am warming more and more to the idea of getting a motorcycle. This way I can remain a coward and grasp a thin strand of hope that I don't have to bother with all this nonsense for too long.