Entry 000167; 08.26.03

It's been so long since I've made a journal entry, I forgot where I keep the directory of them.

Looking at the last entry doesn't give me any idea of what was going on when I left off. Have I written about the summer job with mom? Have I written about moving in with dad (yesterday), have I written about Nathan, the kids, or any of my friends or random mumblings? Probably not.

The good part is that I loose absolutely nothing in not writing down things about these subjects, as nothing happened in respect to any of them, really, over the summer. The bad part is taht absolutely nothing happened in respect to any of them, really.

The 15th of august, Nathan and I took a plane to California to meet up with his math TA, where we would all then pile into a car and head in the most absurd route that you can do without needing to pack oficial citizenship papers and without looping, back home.

I did write a couple of longhand journal entries during the trip but quickly grew bored. The major details are these: I got to see my kids. I got to see erika. Nathan got to see Robert. We both got to see a stripper with cellulite thighs as thick as my torso.

These things make the trip sound boring, but really, once you realize that that is absolutely all that happened, nothing more, it gets rather sad.

I'm sitting here naseous with hunger and still this blue packaged cereal bar looks like the most unappetizing thing ever.

I've decided to get it all over with and actually lose the weight I've slowly gained. Since we now live with heat, I don't need to store up fat for living during the winter, and cold is a lot easier to escape when you are skinny than heat is when you are fat. That's only a side reason though. The real reason is that I'm sick of looking at tubby girls walking down the street in tube tops and tight clothing without having the right to yell "PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, FATTY." Everytime a grumble escapes my lips, I remember that they aren't any fatter than I am, so really, I have no right to feel superior.

Back to the only important subjects I mentioned earlier - the kids are great. Eip Top is as always, a porker who steamshovels food into his mouth and then falls down in a lazy lump, asleep, right next to the food dish. Pot Pie continues to destruct. I was reminiscing of the first few days when I got Pot Pie, and I was worried she was mentally retarded. Nathan sympathized with my relief seeing her as an adult - "Now we know for sure." He said, with a satisfied nod. Erika has noticed what Nathan and I realized in Pot Pie's kittenhood - she can't learn anything. No matter what type of punishment, water, pokes on the nose, stern voices, she not only continues to destroy things, she doesn't even know she's being punished. She also still does that wierd licking thing, where she will lick anything that comes into contact with her.

I'm overjoyous and relieved to say that Pot Pie, Eip Top, and Erika are a great match. She gives them the constant cuddles and attention they crave, the patience they require, and of course, the food. They, meanwhile have retained all of their most endearing characteristics - acting like pillows. I was worried I would be sobbing and screeching that I didn't want to leave them when it came time to leave Chicago, but I was so happy to realize that I perfer them with Erika, seeing how happy all three of them are together.

In other news, I like Nathan more and more every day, which seems odd. It's been completely baffling, really, how amazing every hair on his head is, and how the curve of his cheek curves in just the perfect way. I mean how does he do that? It floors me, how he can just sit there acting like he's not trying at all, and grow nails and hair and digest food in such an amazing way.

We had our first year anniversary sometime between July 7 and August 30, which is as close as I can wittle it down to. Everyone I told said the same thing "Only a year?" which seemed a stupid question to me, since the first anniversary does tend to celebrate about a year's worth of stuff. When you really think about it, though, it seems odd that we have only been together a year. Especially if you could ever consider Nathan and I "together." As much as I love him, I still can't get over writing his name and my pronoun in the same sentence without cringing a little. You have to admit I've gotten remarkably better over the year though.

Sometimes I get this wierd twighlight zone feeling. I sleep next to and cuddle and profess my love to this pale, skinny creature that once made my skin crawl. Am I under a spell? Does it matter? The point is, with all these stupid pro-individual, pro-independant ideas running around these days, I like where I am, who I'm with, and why I'm with him. How can a person keep up with "don't depend on another person" or "you should be just as happy alone" while trying to listen to "don't keep him unless he makes you happy," I used to try to keep up with all these stupid things until I met Nathan, and even though he's what makes me happy, which could be considered weak and stupid by a large majority of the population, it makes sense to me. A vital idea of this is that he makes me happy and I'm happy and woop-de-dah. The most comforting idea of it though, is that because of Nathan, I know that if Nathan left, I'd still be happy. It's a fine compromise as far as I'm concerned, especially since it eliminates most of that worry that clouds most of my life. I've had a few people warn me in those deep "I'm talking serious now here ashia" tones that a girl should never, EVER depend on a person. But who is the clouded one here when I keep saying, I'm not dependant on him, he's extra. And if you supposedly need to be alone to be independant, and independance is good, then why would anyone have love in the first place?