Collect the salt shakers from all
of the tables in the 
restaurant, and balance them in a 
tower on your table. 

Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. 

Make funny faces at other patrons,
then sneer at their 
reactions. 

Repeat every third third word you 
say say. 

Read a newspaper or book during
the meal. Ignore your 
date. 

Stare at your date's neck, and
grind your teeth audibly. 

Twitch spastically. If asked about 
it, pretend you don't 
know what they are talking about. 

Stand up every five minutes, 
circle your table with your 
arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds. 

Order a bucket of lard. 

Ask for crayons to color the placemat. 
This works very 
well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths. 

Pull out a harmonica and play 
blues songs when your date 
begins talking about themselves. 

Sacrifice French fries to the great deity, Pomme. 

When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any 
live food. 

Without asking, eat off your date's plate. 
Eat more 
from their plate than they do. 

Drool. 

Chew with your mouth open, talk 
with your mouth full 
and spray crumbs. 

Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it 
being placed in front of you. 

Excuse yourself to use the restroom. 
Go back to the head 
waiter/hostess and ask for another 
table in a different 
part of the restaurant. Order 
another meal. When your 
date finally finds you, ask him/her 
"What took you so 
long in the restroom?!?" 

Recite graphic limericks to the people 
at the table next 
to you. 

Ask the people at the neighboring 
table for food from 
their plates. 

Ask your date how much money
they have with them. 

Order for your date. Order something 
nasty. 

Communicate in mime the entire evening. 

Upon entering the restaurant, 
ask for a seat away from the 
windows, where you have a you 
have a good view of all exits, 
and where you can keep your 
back to the wall. Act nervous. 

Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs. 

Hum. Loudly. In monotone. 

Fill your pockets with sugar packets, 
as well as salt and 
pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e 
anything on the table that isn't 
bolted down. 

Hold a debate. Take both sides. 

Auction your date off for silverware. 

Slide under the table. Take your plate
with you. 

Order a baked potato for a side dish. 
When the waiter 
brings your food, hide the potato, 
wait a few minutes, 
and ask the waiter for the potato 
you "never got". When 
the waiter returns with another 
potato for you, have 
the first one back up on the plate.
Repeat later in the 
meal. 

Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it 
on tape, and use good judgment in 
editing to twist their 
words around. 

Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience. 

Speak in pig latin throughout the meal 
(Or ubber-dubber 
language, or just nonsense). 

If they are paying, order the most 
expensive thing on the 
menu. Take one bite. 

Bring 20 or so candles with you,
and during the meal get 
up and arrange them around the 
table in a circle. Chant. 

Save the bones from your meal, 
and explain that you're 
taking them home to your invalid,
senile old mother, 
because it's a lot cheaper than 
actually feeding her. 

Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt. 

Take a thermos along, and hide 
it under the table. Order 
coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking 
advantage of the free refills. 

Insist that the waiter cuts your food 
into little pieces. 
In a similar vein, insist that he take 
a bite of 
everything on the plate, to make 
sure no one poisoned it. 

Accuse your date of espionage. 

Make odd allusions to dangerous 
religious cults. 

Don't use any verbs during the 
entire meal. 

Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds 
(if any) to pay the bill. 

Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls
you've brought along. 

Bring a bucket along. Explain 
that you frequently get ill. 

Thankyou
LABLaughs.com