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If Men Are From
Mars.....


 
Have you ever wondered where "Men" really came from ?
They are a whole new species...unlike us, the females...down to earth females...
Males come equipped with a Hunting instinct,
out in the wild in the woods.. they stalk their prey.. but put them inside a house and they can't find a darn thing.
They tell us females to shut our mouths, but they never shut a cupboard door, a closet door, or drawer....
And when we can't start a car because the battery went dead.. they laugh at us..and tell us we don't know how to drive. But when they can't start it either ..they go out and get a new battery..does that mean they don't know how to drive  ?
When we cry over a sad movie, they tell us we are too emotional...Oh right..have you heard a man scream and yell watching Football ?
And it is programmed into a man at the moment he is conceived...the ability to latch on to the remote.
You can tell  the difference between an earth man and a Mars man, if he asks you if you're watching something before he changes the channel then he is an earth man ! If not send him back to his own planet !
And why don't they teach these men on Mars.. how to write letters to their parents, make important phone calls, do their own shopping ?
It must be awful quiet on Mars...
Why else would they want all these things that make noise...motorcycles..revved up to the max, power tools, power boosted speakers...
But let a cat meow  and it drives them nuts..
I am really convinced that man would never survive on earth if it wasn't for women  ...
Don't you agree ?

If Your man has any of these traits
just send him back to Mars...
"I'm going fishing." Really means...
                  "I'm going to drink myself 
dangerously stupid, and stand by a
                  stream with a stick in my hand, 
while the fish swim by in
                  complete safety."

                  "Let's take your car." Really means....
                  "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of
                  gas."

                  "Woman driver." Really means....
                  "Someone who doesn't speed, 
tailgate, swear, make obscene
                  gestures and has a better 
driving record than me."

                  "I don't care what color you 
paint the kitchen." Really means....
                  "As long as it's not blue, green, 
pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,
                  mauve, black, turquoise or 
any other color besides white."

                  "It's a guy thing." Really means....
                  "There is no rational thought 
pattern connected with it, and you
                  have no chance at all of 
making it logical."

                  "Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
                  "Why isn't it already on the table?"

                  "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or 
"Yes, dear." Really mean....
                  Absolutely nothing.  It's a 
conditioned response like Pavlov's dog
                  drooling.
 

                  "Good idea."  Really means....
                  "It'll never work.  And I'll 
spend the rest of the day gloating."

                  "Have you lost weight?" 
Really means....
                  "I've just spent our last $30 
on a cordless drill."

                  "My wife doesn't understand 
me."  Really means....
                  "She's heard all my stories 
before, and is tired of them."

                  "It would take too long to explain." Really means....
                  "I have no idea how it works."

                  "I'm getting more exercise lately." 
Really means....
                  "The batteries in the remote 
are dead."

                  "I got a lot done." 
Really means....
                  "I found 'Waldo' in almost 
every picture."

                  "We're going to be late."  Really means....
                  "Now I have a legitimate 
excuse to drive like a maniac."

                  "Hey, I've read all the classics." 
Really means....
                  "I've been subscribing to 
Playboy since 1972."

                  "You cook just like my mother 
used to."  Really means....
                  "She used the smoke detector 
as a meal timer, too."

                  "I was listening to you.  
It's just that I have things on my mind."
                  Really means....
                  "I was wondering if that 
red-head over there is wearing a bra."

                  "Take a break, honey, 
you're working too hard." Really means....
                  "I can't hear the game
over the vacuum cleaner."

                  "That's interesting, dear.
" Really means....
                  "Are you still talking?"

                  "Honey, we don't need 
material things to prove our love.
"  Really
                  means....
                  "I forgot our anniversary again."

                  "You expect too much of me.
" Really means....
                  "You want me to stay awake."

                  "It's a really good movie.
" Really means....
                  "It's got guns, knives, fast cars,
and Heather Locklear."

                  "That's women's work." Really means....
                  "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

                  "Will you marry me?
" Really means....
                  "Both my roommates have 
moved out, I can't find the washer,
                  and there is no more peanut butter."

                  "Go ask your mother." Really means....
                  "I am incapable of making a decision."

                  "You know how bad my memory is." Really means....
                  "I remember the theme song to 
'F Troop', the address of the first
                  girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every
                  car I've ever owned, but I 
forgot your birthday."

                  "I was just thinking about you, 
and got you these roses." Really
                  means....
                  "The girl selling them on 
the corner was a real babe."

                  "Football is a man's game.
" Really means....
                  "Women are generally too 
smart to play it."

                  "Oh, don't fuss.  I just cut myself,
it's no big deal." Really
                  means....
                  "I have actually severed a limb,
but will bleed to death before I
                  admit I'm hurt."

                  "I do help around the house.
"  Really means....
                  "I once put a dirty towel in the
laundry basket."

                  "Hey, I've got my reasons for
what I'm doing." Really means....
                  "And I sure hope I think of 
some pretty soon."

                  "I can't find it." Really means....
                  "It didn't fall into my 
outstretched hands, so I'm
completely
                  clueless."

                  "What did I do this time?
" Really means....
                  "What did you catch me at?"

                  "What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means....
                  "You just bought new clothes 
3 years ago."

                  "She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means....
                  "She refused to make my coffee."

                  "But I hate to go shopping.
" Really means....
                  "Because I always wind up
outside the dressing room holding
                  your purse."

                  "No, I left plenty of gas in the car.
" Really means....
                  "You may actually get it to start."

                  "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."  Really
                  means....
                  "I am planning on drinking
myself into a vegetative stupor with my
                  chest pounding, mouth breathing, evolutionary companions."

                  "I heard you." Really means....
                  "I haven't the foggiest 
clue what you just said, and am hoping
                  desperately that I can fake
it well enough so that you don't spend
                  the next 3 days yelling at me."

                  "You know I could never 
love anyone else." Really means....
                  "I am used to the way you 
yell at me, and realize it could be
                  worse."

                  "You look terrific." Really means....
                  "Oh, God, please don't try 
on one more outfit.  I'm starving."

                  "I brought you a present." Really means....
                  "It was free ice scraper 
night at the ball game."

                  "I missed you." Really means....
                  "I can't find my sock drawer,
the kids are hungry and we are out
                  of toilet paper."

                  "I'm not lost.  I know exactly
where we are." Really means....
                  "No one will ever see us alive again."

                  "We share the housework." Really means....
                  "I make the messes, she 
cleans them up."

                  "This relationship is getting too serious." Really means....
                  "I like you more than my truck."

                  "I recycle." Really means....
                  "We could pay the rent with 
the money from my empties."

                  "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means....
                  "Oh, man, what have you 
done to yourself?"

                  "It sure snowed last night.
" Really means....
                  "I suppose you're going to nag 
me about shoveling the walk now."

                  "It's good beer." Really means....
                  "It was on sale."

                  "I don't need to read the 
instructions." Really means....
                  "I am perfectly capable of 
screwing it up without printed help."

                  "I'll fix the garbage disposal later.
" Really means....
                  "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

                 

                  "I broke up with her." Really means....
                  "She dumped me."
                                                               
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