My wife and I get along just great, except that she's a 
"backseat driver" second to none. After years of putting up 
with her pestering, I finally decided I'd had enough and 
advised her that I would no longer drive with her in the 
car.
Later that day, on my way home from doing some Christmas 
shopping at the mall, I heard my cell phone ring as I was
merging onto a freeway. It was my wife calling.
By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind me.
"Honey," she said, "your turn signal is still on. And put 
on your lights;  it's starting to rain."

Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't 
run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it 
fixed, but somehow the message never sunk in.

Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When 
my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in 
the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of
sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time, 
then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, 
and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might 
as well sweep the sidewalks.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced
so they won't think something's wrong with me.
-Elaine Boosler

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for
an institution yet.
-Mae West

Out to lunch.Think it over.
-sign on the door of a marriage liscense bureau

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't got anything
to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
-Robert Frost

You know what I did before I married ?
Anything I wanted to.
-Henny Youngman

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared
for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewerly.
-Rita Rudner

Never marry a man who refers to the rehearsel dinner as the last supper.
-Diana Jordan and Paul Seaburn

I want a man who is kind and understanding,
is that too much to ask of a millionaire ?
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

Do you know what it means to come at night to a woman who'll
give you a little love, a little affection, and a little tenderness ?
It means you're in the wrong house.
-Henny Youngman

If you want to be loved the rest of your life
Be more of a woman and less of a wife.
-Susan D. Anderson

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that
perhaps they are too old to do it.
-Ann Bancroft

The male is a domestic animal who, if treated with firmness
and kindnesss, can be trained to do most things.
-Jill Cooper

A smart husband buys his wife very fine china
so she won't trust him to wash it.
-Leopold Fetchner

Husbands think we know where everything is. He asks me,
Rosanne, do we have any cheetos 
left ?
Like he can't go over to that sofa cushion and lift it himself .
-Rosanne

Nothing was happening in my marriage.
I nicknamed our bed Lake Placid.
-Phyliss Diller

My husband makes love to me almost every day...
almost  monday, almost tuesday, almost wednesday...
_Ruth Berle