Pagan Football
Heard one night on Between the Worlds Radio, WIKA...
Bob: For those of you who have just joined us, this has been one hell of a
game! The Salem Witches, led by the ferocious play of Sven Gahrinnson, a huge
Asatru defensive end, have taken a 21-14 lead over the Bethany Baptists.
Sam: That's right, Bob. Sven's a force, but Bethany's quarterback Paul
Damascus has been throwing passes with all the zeal of an evangelist passing
out tracts on Judgement Day. Leading the Baptists' Fire and Brimstone
offense, Damascus has been burning the Witches' secondary all evening.
Bob: Sam, now that was uncalled for...
Sam: Hey, if the Witches hadn't put a spell on the referees they wouldn't
even be in this game!
Bob: And if the Baptists hadn't soaked the field with holy water, the Witches
would still be able to use their running game, not to mention the third
degree burns that Salem's tight end received.
Sam: His name was Vlad! I'll bet he wasn't only a witch but a.
Bob: Don't say it!
Sam: But the Bible says...
Bob: SAM! Let's return to the action on the field.
Sam: [mumbling] Well it does...
Bob: Salem's just about to kick off with 2:35 left in the fourth quarter.
JohnPaul is on his own five yard line to receive for the Baptists. Here's the
kick... It's a beauty! Just look at the hang time!
Sam: I'd look for a penalty on that kick. Illegal summoning of air
elementals, I would think.
Bob: John Paul takes the kick... he's on the ten... the fifteen. WOW! WHAT A
HIT!! Sven just leveled JohnPaul! I'm amazed Bethany's return man could even
hold on to the ball. Uh oh... JohnPaul's not moving. The trainers are coming
out to the field.
Sam: [chanting gleefully] Threefold law! Threefold law! Sven's going to pay!
He meant to hit him hard.
Bob: Sam, this is football! You're supposed to hit them hard. Besides, Sven's
not Wiccan, he's Asatru!
Sam: [mumbling] Well, they're all going to burn in hell. They aren't
Christian, after all. The Bible says --
Bob: [cutting off Sam] It looks like JohnPaul's going to be okay. He ay not
know what time zone he's in after that hit, but at least he's on his feet.
The Witches' defense takes the field. Sven holds down the left side while
Gavin Lord leads Salem's Wild Hunt defense. Listen to them howl! The Witches'
fans are going wild, the pep band is leading a spiral dance while the
cheerleaders are drawing down the moon. I can't imagine how Bethany can even
hear the count over all this noise! Here's the snap. Damascus drops back.
Here comes Sven! Damascus is scrambling, chased by the Wild Hunt. He has
nowhere to run, not with the Hunt on his heels. Damascus throws the ball
away, stopping the clock with 2:08 left to play.
Sam: There's a flag on the play. I'll bet it's against the Witches
Bob: My guess is holding on the offense, Sam.
Sam: Yeah, right. You're just saying that 'cause you don't want the Baptists
to win.
Bob: No, I'm saying that because one of Bethany's offensive linemen is still
holding someone's kilt!
Sam: They should call that a foul. After all, the Bible says --
Bob: [cutting Sam off again] The refs have marked off the penalty and the
players are lining up again. Damascus is calling the signals. Here's the
snap. He drops back and throws. It's caught by Moses at the 30 and he's
brought down immediately. That's going to bring up the two minute warning.
Sam: Let's break for a word from our sponsor, New Jerusalem Witnessing Tracts.
Bob: Let's not. We're back! The word on JohnPaul's injury is either a slight
concussion or demon possession. The team is calling in a specialist from the
Vatican to be sure. It seems that Sven hit him hard enough that the Bethany
return man thinks he's in a past life. He keeps saying, I was really just
kidding. I like lions. Really. Good kitty! There's 1:58 left on the game
clock and from the look of things on the field, I think that Bethany's
starting to panic.
Sam: Why do you say that?
Bob: Because it looks like they're going for the Hail Mary play.
Sam: And why do you say that?
Bob: Just listen to the Baptists' fans.
Fans: Hail Mary, Mother of God... Hail Mary, Mother of God...
Bob: Here's the snap. Damascus drops back... he's under pressure... Damascus
scrambles to the right, looking for an open receiver... he reverses the
field, running to the left... Sven is right on his heals... He throws...
Touchdown!! What an immaculate reception! Touchdown Bethany!
Sam: Yes! Yes! YES!!!
Bob: Let's be a little objective here...
Sam: Time to make those sinners pay!
Bob: Bethany's going for the two point conversion. The Wild Hunt is growling,
you can hear it even over the roar of the crowd. This could be the game right
here, folks. The Baptists are pulling out all the stops. I think that's even
the Ark of the Covenant that they're parading over there. Here's the snap...
It's a quarterback sneak! Damascus dives into the heart of the Wild Hunt!
Look at that pile! Damascus is somewhere at the bottom. It's going to be a
moment before they sort this one out, folks. One of the Baptists is in Sven's
face. Uh oh... I think he's witnessing to the Asatru. Yep! There's the flag!
That'll be unsportsmanlike conduct on Bethany. Fifteen yards off the kick
off. It looks like the Baptists have made the conversion! Bethany leads 22 to
21.
Sam: That's not the only thing they converted. It looks like Sven is headed
back to Bethany's sideline.
Bob: No! Sven! You're a warrior! Come back! Come back!
Sam: Oh... is da widdle asatwoo a kwistjun now?
Bob: [ignoring Sam] Fourth quarter... 1:22 left on the clock. Bethany sends a
deep booming kick into Salem's end zone. Wait... who is that returning the
kick? Long hair... curves... It's Artemis! Those Bethany defenders don't know
who they have coming at them!
Sam: If she turns anyone into a stag and they don't call a penalty, I'll protest!
Bob: Artemis fields the ball deep in her own end zone. She's bringing it out!
She's at the five, at the ten... breaks a tackle. to the fifteen, the
twenty... she's on the sideline with room to run... Does anyone hear
trumpets? Are those angels over there? OHMIGOD WHAT WAS THAT FLASH OF
LIGHT?!?!??!
Sam: Where did all of Bethany's players go? Where are their fans?
Bob: Looks like its the Rapture... Artemis is left with a field empty of
defenders... She's at the fifty... the forty... the twenty...Touchdown!!
Salem's ahead by five with Bethany nowhere in sight!
Sam: Judgement Day... It can't be Judgement Day...
Bob: Looks like the refs are talking this one over. The clock is stopped with
fifty-eight seconds left to play. The Bethany Baptists are nowhere in sight
and the Salem Witches lead 27 - 22. Here's the official ruling...That's game!
The Bethany Baptists forfeit the game and the Salem Witches win, 27 - 22!
Sam: [still bemoaning his fate] Judgement Day... It was Judgement Day and no
one came to get me! It can't be Judgement Day! Why? Why, Bob? Why?
Bob: Don't know, Sam. It's your system of belief, not mine. You're welcome to
hang out with us Pagans.
Sam: Dear GOD! It was Judgement Day and they sent me to Hell! This is
Hell,isn't it Bob?
Bob: [thinking of being the only Pagan that Sam knows] Only for me, Sam. Only
for me.
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