1. Your ceremonial garb consists of cutoffs and a tube top.
2. You think “family tradition” is a dating club.
3. You have reached the 3rd degree, but not 3rd grade.
4. Your coven’s secret names for the God and Goddess “Cooter” and “Sweetcheeks.”
5. Your ceremonial chalice says “Budweiser.”
6. You consider chewing tobacco a sacred herb.
7. You circle dance includes the words “dosey-do.”
8. Your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
9. Your coven chose its high priest at a belching contest.
10. Your coven chose its high priestess at a wet T-shirt contest.
11. Your anointing oil smells like “Old Spice.”
12. You’ve ever filled your chalice from a tap.
13. Your outdoor circle has dead washing machines for quarter altars.
14. Your cakes and ale consists of PBR and Little Debbies.
15. Your Pantheon includes Yukon Jack, Jim Beam, and Jack Daniels.
16. You think Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture.
17. You believe that the pentagram is a Western Union sent to five people.
18. Your altar cloth says “Dew Drop Inn” or “Motel 6.”
19. Your Goddess picture says “Miss September” at the bottom.
20. Your God statue looks like Elvis.
21. You’ve ever written a spell on the back of a Denny’s menu.
22. You’ve canceled coven meetings to watch WWF on TV.
23. You cast love spells on livestock.
24. You call the God and Goddess by hollerin’ “Hey. Ya’ll! Watch me!”
25. You’ve ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed whacker.
26. Your Wand of Power is a cattle prod.
27. Your Bard plays the banjo.
28. Your favorite painting of the Goddess gives her hair like Dolly Parton.
29. Your spirit guide is a pit bull.
30. Your broom has four-wheel drive and KY plates.
31. Your covenstead is propped up on cinderblocks.
32. Your favorite Great Rite partner is your first, second AND third cousin.
33. You can play “The Burning Times” on the banjo.
34. Your favorite ritual libation is brewed in a backyard still.
35. You sacrifice pork rinds on an altar made of old oil drums.
36. You have a combined maypole Dance/Tractor Pull/Turkey Shoot for Beltane.
37. Your rites include throwing shotgun shells into the fire.
38. When your preistess says “Blessed be,” you respond with “YEEEE-HAW!”
39. You shoot guns into the air when your priestess says “The circle is open but unbroken.”
40. Your High Priestess’ hair gets caught in ceiling fans.
41. Your altar cloth is a Confederate flag.
42. You carry your ritual sword in your pickup’s gun rack.
43. Your craft name starts with Bubba.
44. Your maiden sweeps the circle with a leaf blower.
45. You’ve ever cokked roadkill stew in your cauldron.
46. Your cauldron looks like a spitoon.
47. You bought your chalice at the Piggly Wiggly and haven’t finished the grape jelly yet.
48. You’ve ever done a candle spell for your high school football team.
49. Your neighbor thinks the “Great Rite” has something to do with Jerry Falwell.
50. You’ve ever meditated to Hank Williams
51. You leave beef jerky out for Samhain.
52. Your circle dance is the two step.
53. Your familiar can point quail.
54. Your familiar keeps mice out of the barn.
55. The bell on your altar was ever worn by an animal out in a pasture.
56. Your altar has a spit cup.
57. Any part of your invocation of the South Quarter includes any line from any song by Lynyrd Skynyrd.
58. Your athame is by Bowie.
59. You smoke Salem cigarettes for the historical significance.
60. You found out your familiar was a possum- and still ate it.

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