JUNE 10
GOD I HATE ANGELFIRE!! i just wrote a whole entry in this bitch and it was all, cannot find server on my ass, and now the whole thing's down...SO GAY. but yeah, the origional passage went SOMETHING like this...
woah.
the previous weight of said depression and disasterous situation has been thankfully put to rest. the debs and i hashed it all out and i feel so much better. and i'm sorry for how everything happened, i mean, all the way back to randy and what not. but like rafiki says, "it doesn't matter, it's in the past!" so i'm getting there, to that point where you can put stuff behind you. another thing i kinda figured out is how ricardo is everything to me, and i treasure his friendship so much, and vise versa, so that i don't really think i want to jeapordize that right now with any certain confessions. i mean, if he was to come out and have mutal feelings for me, i'd be more than willing, but in the mean time i think i'm finally content with being his best friend, which is pretty good, damnit! and debs helped me realize that. she is such an awesome person, she has her faults like all of us, but thats' what makes her human! and that's what makes us love dawson's creek! so open up YOUR morning eyes!!! as for the arma and beth, they just rock as for putting up with our drama, and go in the hall o fame of super #1 best friends. and to think, i had forgotten what being this lucky felt like.
JUNE 9
i haven't been shafted like this since my 14th birthday in 8th grade. a few of my "best friends" went out with their new boyfriends instead of spending the night at my house with me. the only ones there with me were conner and bong. and we had a great time, playing phantasmagoria, sumo wrestling. and bong stabbed me in the eye with the antenna of the cordless phone. it was great. conner was the only one with me this time too. and even though we had fun, the quazi pissed off, but mostly utterly abandoned lonely hurt feeling is still there. well, i guess beth's off the hook, although in her process of infiltrating she might have been infiltrated. maybe i'll never know. maybe i'll never speak to any of them again. which is really just doing the same thing they're doing to me. and the only one i'm really concerned about is jhannie. jhannie who i thought was my Best Friend. who at the end of the day would always be there and tell me if she was sick of my bitching or whatever it was that made her not want to hang out with me, instead of just giving me the heave and leaving me out. she's the one i still want to talk to and apologize to, even though i'm not sure what i did. or if i did anything at all. or if i'm blowing all of this out of porportion. but i do know that i feel like shit and that's not an overexaggeration, so then i do have a reason to be upset. and conner felt it too, and he doesn't even know them as well as i do. what deborah said hurts the most...and i'm still consumed by this pathetic feeling. me me me. maybe that's why arma hates me. i wouldn't blame her.
so yeah, finally home, and things are weird. all this we were going to have a relationship thing between debs and connner, but it seems to be just a little bit one sided. and i know when he says, i can't believe i used to like her, i'm supposed to be happy, but i felt kinda bad for her, except it woudl be easier to feel bad if she wasn't being all semi-bitchy and weird. its' all a buntch of bullshit and arma's my only wonderful constant as usual and i don't know what i'd do without her...beth too, except i can't talk to her about the sex machine i have in austin like i can with jhannie. i mean, i'm practically agreeing to it right now as i write this. and i dont' even feel that bad about it. i guess that's the point. that i'm at this "sex is just sex get over it i want it i should get it" state. who knows what'll happen. i would NEVER want ricardo to find out though...and chances are he would, and it woudl kinda ruin all faint chances of something ever happening, which sometimes feel like are less faint, and sometimes i feel like are non-existant. who knows. arg. plus i feel bad for not hanging out with coodie. but its' his own fault damnit!!
JUNE 3
Oh Colorado rawks socks...well, not really. i miss everyone. and i mean everyone. the house my grandparents used to live in, that i anticipated as being so cool, is really just like this ever-perserved shrine to them now. its' so creepy. not fun at all. bumout to the max. its' not my fault if i can't really remember them that well. the highlight of the trip has been going to my mom's friend's house because her son built his own VW bug and it kicks so much ass. i mean, woah. plus, he has a VW bus in his backyard he's planning on "fixing up" that i'm obviously in love with. he wasn't there for the visit, i'll see him tomorrow or the next day. he's 20 and going to be a sophmore, and i haven't seen him since i was four. i'm worried he's going to be really really lame and i'll be thoughroughly dissapointed. but i figure, the car thing will make up for it? who knows...but yes, the freak out of being away from home is forever building. and that of course isn't the least bit of fun at all. but OH WELLS. must be going...back to trinidad...w00t? can't wait to get home. never thought katy could be so appealing.
MAY 29
well, here we go with the pathetic fake online journal. at least i'm not obsessed. or at least i pretend i'm not. i guess this was brought on by the inevitable pain that is loving someone and not being loved in return. and having to hear about them joke about sexing up (one of) your best friend(s). i know its pathetic, and i know i'm lame, but i can't help the way i feel and that SUCKS. not to mention the personal sex machine i have living 2 hours away from me. which i try to ignore. i really do. but it's so HARD. i guess i'm just lucky that he doesn't live 20 mins away instead of 2 hours. but still. hormones suck. why can' i feel neutral about everyone/thing and NOT CARE. and not fall in love. because it hurts too much.
ps. i'm in colorado till fri.
