This is what I call a filler fanfic. It's not my favorite, but 2 key events in it I had to have happen before I wrote the next idea in my "Series" I couldn't add them to the end of Tears of Doubt and I really don't think it would work at the beginning of the next fanfic. So they are here. Enjoy!
December 1873
My first day back to work. I was nervous and excited. It had been weeks since I’d been at the clinic. I kept thinking about all the possible illnesses I had missed. Sully assured me that Dr. Mason had been taking care of everything. But I still worried about my patients. I could only hope that I would find things in order at the clinic. I didn’t even want to think about all that could be wrong.
People could be unhappy with the way Dr. Mason treated them. He could have done something wrong and put someone in harms way. Someone could have been too stubborn to go to another doctor. Tim could have rearranged the clinic to his own liking, much like Dr. Cassidy had when I was expecting Katie.
I tried to push all my worries aside, but as I sat at the kitchen table that morning, my stomach was doing somersaults. Sully had gone outside to hitch up the wagon and I was sitting with another cup of coffee. A medical journal sat in front of me, but the words all blurred together.
There was yet another concern. One that was weighing heavily one my mind. The entire town had heard about my miscarriage. Many of them were even there while I lay in the clinic suffering. And surely they had found out why I was gone so long. Sully tried to make everyone believe that I had just taken a small vacation. But rumors spread in the town faster then wildfire. My emotional state was sure to be topic of much discussion around the supper tables.
What’s more, they would try to be sympathetic. But I didn’t want their pity. I didn’t want them all telling me how sorry they were. No one could possibly understand. To hear their warm wishes would only bring back the memories and the pain. I wished with all my heart to put the pain behind me.
True, Sully had brought me home and slowly we were working through our grief. But I don’t believe you can ever truly get over the loss of a child. Little things kept reminding me, and not only of this miscarriage, but of the first one as well. With these little triggers, all the memories came back and I was once again suffering the unending depression that threatened to consume me. If it weren’t for Sully, always by my side, it would have.
Thanksgiving was good for me. Being home with all of my children. It made me realize how lucky I really was. I was doing my best, but deep down there was still this deep stab of pain. I knew it would never go away. Just as I never forgot the first child I lost. But I was confident I would be able to move on.
I already had moved on. I came home. I celebrated a holiday with my family. And now I was going back to work. That was a good start, right?
If only I could keep away all the comments people were sure to give. I know the mean well, but it’ll only make things worse. It’ll only bring back the pain.
My whirlwind of thoughts were interrupted by Katie. “Mama rainin!”
I saw her sitting by the window, staring ever so carefully out the glass. I went to her side and looked for the rain. “No Katie, that’s snow.”
She looked up at me with her father’s blue eyes. “Snow?”
“That’s right sweetheart. It’s snowing.”
Katie was speechless as she watched the soft white flakes fall from the sky. It was the first snow of the winter, and the first winter Katie was old enough to know what was going on around her.
I left her there momentarily and went to retrieve our coats. “Come on Katie.” I said. “It’s time to go to work.”
Katie, who was still transfixed with the snow, barely heard me. But when she saw the winter coat, she panicked. Looking up only momentarily, she darted away from the window, into the kitchen, and under the table.
This was coming a daily occurrence. Katie hated clothes. I finally had her wearing her dresses but the coat was unacceptable. She wouldn’t wear it for anything. “Katie!” I called. “Come out from there. Poppy’s waiting for us.”
“No coat!”
I sighed heavily and went after her. I bent down to look under the table. Katie was sitting there with her hands wrapped around her bent knees. I offered her hand to the child. “Let’s go Katie.” I coaxed. “Time to leave now.”
“No coat mama.” Katie insisted.
“Katie you have to wear the coat. It’s freezing outside.”
“Snow?”
“Yes and snowing. You don’t want to get sick do you sweetheart?”
“Sick?” Katie continued to stare up at me from under the table, her eyes questioning my every word. I simply hoped that all the questions would lead to her putting on the coat.
“Yes sick. That’s what happens when you don’t wear your coat.”
“No sick.”
“Well then let’s get this coat on.” I suggested.
Katie reluctantly crawled out from under the table and allowed me to bundle her up. Sully came in just as I was doing the last button. “You ready?” he asked.
“We are now.” I answered.
Sully took our daughter in his arms and opened the door. “Papa snow.” Katie pointed.
“That’s right Katie.” Turning to me he added. “Hope it doesn’t get any heavier then this.”
“I’m sure it won’t. It’s just a few flakes.”
As Sully helped us into the wagon, he continued the conversation. “This may be nothing. But there will be a blizzard before the week is up.”
“You really think so?” I asked. Sully climbed in next to me and I handed him the reigns.
Sully snapped the reigns and the wagon lurched forward. “Storm’s movin in from the north. Denver was cloudin up when we were there, before Thanksgivin. I bet we left right before the snow hit.”
“You never told me about any snow.”
“There was no need.” Sully said. “You sure didn’t notice it when we were there…and we’ve been kind of…busy…since we got back.”
I blushed only slightly but quickly changed the subject. “The children missed us as well.”
Sully always knows when I’m uncomfortable. He kept with the change in topic. “Where are the kids anyway?”
“Brain and Matthew said they had business in town. They refused to elaborate. And Colleen and Andrew went to the chateau.”
“They comin to help you at the clinic today?” Sully asked innocently.
“I don’t think so. They are here on vacation. I don’t plan on making them work.”
“They would if you needed them to.”
“I know.” I told him. And I did. Truthfully, I didn’t want the help. I wanted to be alone for some part of the day. “But Andrew works so hard and Colleen deserves a break from her studies.”
“I reckon you could teach her a lot more here then she learns at school.”
I could tell he wanted to say something but he wouldn’t. He had a point to this and I wished he would just get to it. “Sully what are you getting at?”
“I just think they’d appreciate the invitation to work with you.”
“They know they can come by the clinic whenever they please.”
“But it’s still your clinic.”
“I don’t know what you mean.” And I really didn’t. Colleen and Andrew had always been more then enough help when they were around. They knew they were always welcome at the clinic.
“Colleen and Andrew don’t want to interfere in your work. Andrew especially sees the clinic as yours and he’s always been uncomfortable working there. I just think they are going to stay away unless you ask them to stop by.”
Now I was concerned. Obviously, my daughter and her husband were having discussions with my husband behind my back. But what had they said and why couldn’t they have said it to me directly? “Did they say something to you?”
“All they said was that if you needed help, they’d be happy to. But that they felt funny askin.”
“And that’s all they said?” I knew there was more he didn’t want me to know.
“More or less.”
The secret kept nagging at me. I had to know. “Tell me Sully.”
“It’s not important.”
“It is to me.”
“I shouldn’t have said anything.” Sully said. “It wasn’t my place.”
“Sully I want to know what they said to you.”
“They asked me not to tell you. I’ve already said too much.”
“So you will continue to have secret discussions with our children and not bother to inform me what they think?”
“If they wanted you to know, they’d tell ya.”
“Perhaps. But if you didn’t want me to know, you’d never have brought it up.”
By this time, Sully had pulled up in front of the clinic. I swiftly jumped down from the wagon and went inside. I didn’t even bother to take Katie or my medical bag with me.
I was so angry when we arrived at the clinic. I couldn’t believe that Colleen and Andrew were talking about me with Sully. And what’s more, they didn’t want me to know. I was sure they were talking about San Francisco. That’s all anyone talked about recently. I’d been home a week and everyone was constantly asking me about the city, or how I was feeling.
Well I was feeling miserable. All I wanted to do was forget and here everyone was reminding me. I had a half a mind to pack up and leave again. But the other half of me was saying that my family needed me. And I needed them. I was just too stubborn to admit it.
I was hurt that Sully had a secret. We weren’t supposed to keep things from one another. And it made no sense. Why would Colleen and Andrew come to him about working at the clinic? I didn’t expect them too, but if they want I’d be more then happy to have either of them at my side. What was so bad that they couldn’t say it to my face?
Sully entered the clinic shortly after I did, but I ignored him. I went to the cabinet and looked for a file. Not any particular file, I just needed something to make me look busy.
“So now you’re not talking to me?” he asked.
“Don’t see any reason.” I answered. “You won’t tell me anything.”
“That’s not true.” He came up behind me and tried to place his hands on my shoulders. I shrugged away from his touch. I didn’t want him around me now. Not when I was upset with him. “Then what did Colleen and Andrew say?”
By now, he had backed off a little. He could tell I didn’t want him to touch me. He stood near, but not too near. “They’re just worried about you Michaela.”
Of course. Everyone was worried about me. “Yes well that seems to be a popular feeling now doesn’t it?”
“Please Michaela, don’t be angry.”
“Who’s angry?”
“You are.”
“I’m not angry…I’m…I’m hurt Sully.”
I was hurt that he wouldn’t tell me. I was hurt that Colleen and Andrew didn’t feel they could talk to me. I was hurt that everyone was treating me as if I were a fragile little thing that would break with one wrong move. And in a way, I was. It’s simply unfortunate that they kept doing the things that would break me.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay there and talk to him. I didn’t know what to say. I never knew what to say anymore. I wanted to yell at everyone. Tell them to stop fretting over me. Didn’t they realize it only made things worse? No, they didn’t. They all thought they were being helpful.
I left Sully alone at the clinic. I walked right out the door and headed home. I didn’t see anyone until they all returned at the end of the day. Sully must have talked with them all, because no one said anything about my first day back. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll go back. I would go back and face them all.
***
I had decided to do it, and I’d do it. I left the homestead early so that I wouldn’t have to deal with anyone there. Yesterday it was an argument with Sully that had kept me away from work. I didn’t want that to happen again. I saddled Flash and went alone. I’d be back at work at last. I was feeling slightly more confident than I did yesterday. I wasn’t as worried about people reminding me about the baby, or about how my patients had faired. I just wanted to be back at work. Being a doctor isn’t just what I do. It’s who I am. How could I stay away from it any longer?
When I arrived at the clinic, the town seemed quite. I guess I had gotten there quite quickly. I tied Flash to the rail and went inside. Everything looked to be in order. I went to the cabinet by the window and pulled out a few patient charts. I brought them to my desk and prepared to sort through them, checking for updates since my absence.
Before I even opened the first chart, there was a knock at the door. I called for the person to enter. Loren opened it slowly and peeped inside. “So you are back.” He said, stepping fully into the room. “I saw Flash outside and just had to be sure it was you.”
“That’s right.” I said. “I’m back.”
“Good to see you’re doin better Dr. Mike.”
“Thank you Loren.”
Well that went over well. He hardly stayed five minutes. Thus far, no unwanted sympathies, only good wishes. All I could hope for was that the rest of the day would go so well. I guess it’s a matter of opinion looking at how the rest of the day really went.
Loren had been gone about an hour and I was deeply involved in review my patient charts. I didn’t even hear the knock at first, but when it came more urgently, I rushed to answer the door.
Standing on the other side, was a sight that utterly shocked me. Propped up on crutches was Hank, half of his right leg was gone and his stub appeared to be bleeding profusely. On one side of him, Jake was helping to hold him up, on the other, Loren. I had to pause a moment to regain my composure. When I did, I rushed Hank over to the examination table and began asking questions.
“What on earth happened?” was how I so calmly began.
Hank appeared to be in too much pain to respond. Loren spoke for him. “That crazy new doc you hired cut off his leg!”
“Now Loren, I’m sure that Dr. Mason had his reasons.” I said it, but I was having my own doubts. Hank was strong and healthy. There were many things that could constitute and amputation. But I remained calm and tried to determine what exactly had happened. “Hank, what did Tim say?”
“Said there was an infection and the leg had to go.” Hank answered.
“An infection?” I questioned. “What from?”
“I broke a bottle of whiskey and got a good slice down my leg.”
So Dr. Mason did have a legitimate excuse. If Hank developed an infection, it was highly possible the leg would have to be removed. Now onto more important matters. “And today?” I began to remove the bloody cloth covering the stub. “It’s bleeding so profusely.”
“I fell on some glass at the Gold Nugget.” Hank said. “Just fix it ok.”
I turned around to get some water and another bandage. When I turned around, Hanks leg was fully extended, no stub at all. I stepped back, shocked but what I was seeing. The knee was covered in what appeared to be blood. I had been tricked. “What the…how…you…” I couldn’t even formulate a complete thought. But I was smiling. “Always playing tricks aren’t you.” I laughed.
Hank, Jake and Loren burst into laughter. “You should have seen you face!” Loren cried. “We really had you fooled this time Dr. Mike.” Jake added.
“Is this going to become a ritual?” I asked, recalling a similar prank these men had pulled after my maternity leave. “You play jokes on me after long absences?”
“If you stop leavin us, we’ll stop trickin you.” Loren grinned.
I lifted my eyebrows slightly and gave them a little smirk. “I’ll have to remember that.”
The men walked to the door. Loren put his hand on my shoulder. “Glad you came back.” He said. Jake followed his lead and opened the door. “Good to have you back Dr. Mike.” He said, stepping outside. “Yea real good.” Hank agreed.
There were so many reasons I love this town, and the people in it. How could I have forgotten how wonderful they all are?
***
Colleen and Andrew came over that evening for dinner. No one was willing to refuse Colleen’s cooking over mine. We all had a wonderful meal until Brian brought up my first day back to work. I happily told of how well it went and Sully smiled warmly at me from across the table. What did not go unnoticed were the odd glances Colleen and Andrew were giving one another. When they gave a similar glimpse in Sully’s direction, I slammed my hand down on the table. “If one of you has something to say, go ahead and say it.”
Everyone at the table looked at me. I could see the surprise in their eyes. I rarely had such an outburst. I continued to urge them to speak, “Go on, say what you will.” They all remained silent. “Fine.” I said, rising from my seat. “I’ll leave so you can communicate without having to whisper.”
So I left. I only went to the front porch. But they reaction I got when I came back inside…You would have thought I went to San Francisco again. And this time, I didn’t have the excuse of hitting rock bottom. I don’t know what was said when I went outside. I didn’t want to hear, so I didn’t try. Ok truthfully, I did want to know. I knew Colleen and Andrew had gone to Sully about something. But I didn’t want to pry. I wanted them to come to me. So I sat out there for awhile, just thinking.
Have you ever been depressed, and then you start to recover…but little things send you swirling back into the black world where nothing seems like it will ever improve? And then you cry, and throw things, and wander off alone. But when you come back, you’re recovering again, looking at life through new eyes. I don’t understand it. I had been doing so well when Sully and I returned from San Francisco. Thinking about it, I was still doing well. Yet there were a few things that kept setting me off. It wasn’t really even that I was feeling depressed anymore. I wasn’t. I had recovered, as much as one can, from the miscarriage. So why did I keep feeling like my life was a mess? It wasn’t depression, it was anxiety. I was terrified of being hurt again, by anyone or anything around me.
When I finally came back inside, Brian and Katie had gone to bed. Sully, Colleen, and Andrew were still sitting at the dinner table, obviously deep in conversation. I avoided them and just headed upstairs. Sully stopped me. “Michaela, come talk to us.”
“I have nothing to say.” I said sharply. I walked over to the table anyway.
“Ma,” Colleen began. “When Andrew and I talked to Pa…”
I cut her off. “Colleen, I don’t need to know. I was being unfair.”
“No, you weren’t.” she insisted. “We should have come to you. There’s something we’d like to ask…we just weren’t sure how to do it.”
Sometimes I don’t understand people. Colleen has always been able to talk to me. What was so hard about this topic? Whatever it was. “You know you can ask me anything. I don’t understand why this is so hard.”
Colleen hesitated a little. “This…this is a little sensitive.”
“We just weren’t sure the best way to suggest it.” Andrew piped in.
“The direct approach may work best.” I suggested. I was tired of beating around the bush.
“We were talking to grace while you were gone.” Colleen said. “She should deliver any day now.”
“I know that.” I became slightly defensive, again. “She’s my patient.”
“That’s just it,” Colleen said. “We think…maybe you shouldn’t be. Maybe Andrew and I should take over, or at least Tim.”
Now that was going to far. I should treat my own patients?! I didn’t even know how to respond. “Now why would you suggest such a thing?”
Everyone could tell how upset I was at the suggestion. “Andrew thinks that it may make you feel bad.” Colleen said, “Seeing your friend have their baby, when you just lost yours.”
“You’re saying I’m jealous.”
“We’re not saying you mean to,” Andrew tried to clarify. “But with the reaction you had to the miscarriage, it is worrisome that you might have another reaction when faced with certain circumstance.”
“I cannot believe you would suggest that I would be jealous of my friend finally having the child she has been dreaming of for years. I’m fine.” I insisted. “The only problem I have is my family turning against me when I need them the most. I will take care of Grace, and deliver her child.” After that, I stormed outside, without even getting my coat. It was the middle of December, snowing quite hard, and I was going out without a coat. But did I notice, no. I saddled Flash and left.
***
Sully found me, but not as easily as he could have had there been no snow. I rode around the trail three times before he showed up. As I rounded the corner, about to make the jump, I saw him standing by the logs waiting for me. I slowed Flash as best I could, but she slid a little in the snow. When we stopped, I didn’t both to dismount. “How did you know where I was?” I asked him.
“You weren’t at the clinic and the mountain is too far. You wouldn’t have gone there in the snow. This is your other thinking spot.” It was true ever since I won the Colorado Sweepstakes, I fell in love with the trail. When I rode Flash on that ground, the same ground that had proved she could win, I felt just as powerful as the day of the race. I came here when I needed to think. Riding around these curves, through the place where Hank had knocked Matthew off, remembering each checkpoint, jumping where Sully had told me not to, crossing the area where the finish line had been. It was so exhilarating, almost as much so as the day of the race. Sully found me riding the trail one other time, after the massacre at Washita. “It clears my head.” I told him.
“I know. But you shouldn’t try this jump, especially in the snow.”
“We made it in the race, and we’ve made it every other time we’ve tried. Plus, I’ve already been around here three times. It’s not that slick.”
“It’s slick enough that you couldn’t stop just now.” Sully pointed out.
“I stopped just fine.” I lied. “Did you come out here for a reason?”
“I came to find you. We need to talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” I insisted. “You’re on their side.”
“I never said that.”
“You didn’t have to.”
“Michaela, something has changed inside of you. I know that as well as you do. And I know how you feel. But you cannot keep letting this affect you the way it is.”
“I was doing perfectly fine until tonight!” I yelled. “I went back to work, I socialized.”
“You left work the first day you went back.” Sully reminded me.
“Ok so I had a little setback. But today was wonderful. I don’t know what more you want from me.”
“Have you seen Grace at all since we got back from San Francisco?”
“What dopes that have to do with anything?
“Have you?”
“No but I…Sully I didn’t even come to town until three days ago. I’ve hardly seen anyone.”
“You’re avoiding her.”
“How can you say that?”
“Robert E. told me you turned them away this afternoon.”
“I was too busy.”
“You had no scheduled patients. I asked Dr. Mason.”
“I was getting used to the place again. I didn’t see any patients.”
“You saw Hank.”
“That was a prank.”
“And Mrs. Morales.”
“She needed me.”
“And what if Grace had?”
“She didn’t.”
“How do you know?”
“I know.”
“You didn’t even see her.”
“I don’t see how this matters at all. You all decided I was jealous long before today.”
“Today just made us more aware.”
“I’m not jealous Sully.
I didn’t talk to Sully, Colleen, or Andrew until the next evening. I avoided them at all costs. Shut the door on them when they came to the clinic. I didn’t want to hear anything they had to say. But when Robert E. brought grace to the clinic, I wanted them there more then I ever had before.
***
I was fine for a long time. I settled grace in one of the beds upstairs, checked her, let Robert E. know that it really was labor. I tended to her for hours, patting the sweat off her forward, letting her squeeze my hand when the contractions came. I was fine.
As the pain eased, Grace returned to her normal, cheery self. She started talking as if nothing was going on besides us having a friend-to-friend conversation. “Robert E. wants a little girl.” She told me. “But I know it’s a boy.”
“Sully wanted a daughter too.” I said.
“Looks like he was right.”
“Yes…Have you thought of names?”
Grace laughed. “Have been for months. We just decided for sure last week. If it’s a girl, we’re going to call her Serenity Lynn. If it’s a boy, Benjamin Edward.”
I felt my stomach lurch and my heart drop down in my chest. My chest tightened and I couldn’t breath. I had to get out of there. And I did. As fast as I could. I ran into Tim on my way down. “Stay with her.” I told him. “I have to leave.” I continued down the stairs as fast as I could. I stopped at my desk. I placed my hands palm down on the top, trying hard to make the world stop spinning.
I could hear Grace’s screams through the ceiling, but my body was frozen. My feet would not move from their place on the floor. No matter how much the doctor in me wanted to rush up the stairs and tend to my patient, the grieving mother in me wouldn’t allow it. Jealousy had made me numb. It ran through my veins, making my entire body cold and my heart without feeling.
No, I did have feeling. I felt pain over my lost child, anger that I was not the one in bed crying out it agony. All the suffering would have been worth it just to hold my child in my arms. Jealousy. That overpowering feeling that made me a person I hated. I found myself despising the way I was behaving.
As soon as I could see straight, I ran out of the clinic. I ran and ran until I couldn’t run anymore. Sully caught up to me on the road to our homestead. I had stopped by a maple tree and leaned hard into the bark. I knew Sully had been following me. He had been since he saw me run away. I needed him. By this time, my eyes were red and my cheeks were streaked with tears.
Sully took my trembling hands with his own and held them close to his heart. My entire body has shaking from the heaving sobs of pain. He guided my body into his embrace and held me close, letting me cry. I knew he was constantly wondering what had happened, but he not daring to ask. What had caused this reaction?
As I began to calm, I released herself from his tight hold. He allowed me out of his arms, but only to an extent. He kept himself near me. Now was the time to discover the source of my pain. He looked imploringly into her eyes. “Michaela what’s wrong?” he asked.
I spoke softly in return, my eyes drifting away from his. “I could do it Sully. I just couldn’t do it.”
“Do what?”
“I couldn’t be there.” He opened his mouth to ask where, but I continued before he could. “I couldn’t be at the clinic anymore. Not with her. Not ...”
“You were there for hours.” Sully said. “Things were going so well. What went wrong?”
“Things were going well.” I admitted. “I would have been fine. But…”
“But?”
I looked up into his eyes there. I wasn’t sure how he’d react to this. But I had to tell him, for both of us. “She was telling me the names they had picked out.” I started. “They want to name their son Benjamin.”
Now Sully realized my pain. As good as I was doing. As much as I had recovered. This just brought all the pain flowing back. We both became lost in the memory of the day we picked names for our lost children.
It was a few days after Thanksgiving. After the revelation I had about family, I felt there was only one more thing to do. I had to complete my grieving process. Sully suggested that we plant two trees in our yard, to make graves for our children. We sat together next to the newly planted trees. I ran my hands around in the dirt that covered their roots. “We should name them.” I suggested.
“We don’t even know if they were boys or girls.”
“The first time…it was a boy. This time, a girl.” I don’t know how I knew, I just felt it in my gut. Even though I had first felt guilty about losing another son, somewhere along the line I realized that this baby had been a girl. I just knew it. “Benjamin and Isabelle.” I said, certain that these were my children’s names.
“Benjamin and Isabelle? Where did you get those from?”
“I don’t know. They just felt right.”
“I like them. Do you have middle names?”
“You decide.”
Sully thought for a few moments, and then took my hand. “Grant and Marie.”
“Benjamin Grant and Isabelle Marie Sully.” I repeated the names. “They’re perfect.”
Coming back to the present, I snuggled closer to Sully. "I never meant for any of this to happen. I don't want to feel like this anymore Sully.”
“It’ll pass.” He assured me. “You just have to give it time. The pain will fade.”
“But it won’t ever disappear.”
“No.” Sully agreed. “But you’ll carry on with life. Because that’s all you can do.”
“I thought I had carried on. I thought the pain had faded.”
“Sometimes, it comes back. But if you don’t let it consume you, it will pass again.”
“I should get back to the clinic.”
“Will you be alright?”
“My friend needs me. I should be there.”
“Michaela you don’t have to.”
“No,” I said. “I do. I have to do this.” With that, I headed back to town, still on foot.
***
By the time I arrived at the clinic I was exhausted. Normally the walk wouldn’t be so strenuous, but between my current state of mind and all the crying I’d done….it had taken a lot out of me. But I couldn’t just stop. I walked past the crowd outside the clinic, trying to shield by tear-ridden face. I let myself in and headed upstairs. It was all too quite. Almost a worrisome quite. I stood outside the door where I had left Grace. Still no sound. I listened for a moment and then heard a small cry. I had missed it.
I knocked softly and waited for Grace to call before I entered. I went in and walked over to the bed. Grace was there, holding her child. Robert E. was sitting next to her in a rocking chair, admiring his new son. “Dr. Mike!” Grace called happily. “I’m so glad you’re here.” I did my best to smile as I sat down at her feet. “Grace…I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” she asked.
“For how I acted. It was both unprofessional and a horrible thing for a friend to do. I left when you needed me…”
"Dr. Mike,” Grace interrupted. “Truth is, I didn’t even realize you were gone for some time. I was a little preoccupied. Dr. Mason told me what happened afterwards.”
“I feel I owe you an explanation.”
“I don’t need one.” Grace insisted. “I know you had to have your reasons. It ain’t like you. But it will make you feel better, I’ll listen.”
Robert E. stood up then. “I’m gonna go tell the others how beautiful little Benjamin is.” He said. “I’ll let you ladies talk.”
When he left, I turned back to Grace. “I didn’t even ask about the baby.” I said guiltily. “You have a son.”
“Benjamin Edward.” Grace introduced. “Robert E. so proud.”
“He’s beautiful.” I said. I was silent then, not wanting to tell Grace why I had ran out so fast. I didn’t want to tell her that at the time, I had thought her son would be a constant reminder of the children I had lost. But seeing the hollow look in my eyes, Grace knew something was wrong. “Dr. Mike?” she asked cautiously. “What happened earlier?”
“It was nothing.” I insisted. “It doesn’t matter now.”
“Dr. Mike, something happened. Something made you sop upset you couldn’t be here when my son was born. I want to know.”
I took a deep breath and tried to collect myself. “Grace do you remember what we were talking about just before I left.”
“I was telling you the names we’d picked.”
“Just a few weeks ago Sully and I had a make-shift funeral for the two children we’ve lost.” I began. “I was more lost than I’ve ever been. And…I had to do something to bring some closure to my life.” I paused a moment. This was something Sully and I had wanted to keep to ourselves, but I felt Grace should know. We’d become such good friends. It didn’t feel right keeping things from her. I knew I could tell her, and Dorothy, anything. We planted two trees, one for each child. And we named them.” Grace didn’t say anything, she only sat there and listened. I knew she was genuinely concerned for me. “We named our son Benjamin.” I finally said.
“Oh Dr. Mike!” Grace said. “We had no idea. If we’d known…we can change his name. We had more to choose from. I don’t want…”
“No, no.” I said, stopping her. “I want you to use it. It’s what you chose. I was upset before, for other reasons, that just topped it all off I guess. But I’m alright now. I don’t want you to change his name on account of me.”
“But if it upsets you…”
“It doesn’t anymore.” I insisted. “This way, both our sons will have the same name. Had I not miscarried, you wouldn’t be able to use it. Now you can. It’s as if my son lives on in yours.”
“I just feel like every time you’re around him, you’ll be thinking of the baby you lost.”
“I won’t. I’ll be thinking how happy I am that one of my best friends finally has the child she’s been praying for.”
***
Colleen came by the clinic that afternoon. “I know what you’re going to say.” I told her when she came in. I continued to busy myself with folding sheets. “You’re going to tell me you were right. I couldn’t deliver Grace’s baby.”
“Ma that’s not what I was gonna say.”
I stopped folding and looked directly at her for the first time since the night at the homestead. “You weren’t?”
“I came here to apologize.” She said. “Andrew and I…every time we come home you seem to need help, but you never ask. And we don’t just want to come in here and take over. But we did when you were in San Francisco because Dr. Mason needed our help, and he asked for it.”
“Colleen, you know that you and Andrew are always welcome here.”
“But it’s your clinic.”
“And you’re hardly ever here.” I said. “A few visits during the holidays. I’m more than happy when you work by my side. You know that.”
“But things will change when I graduate medical school. Andrew and I will start our own practice in Philadelphia.”
“Is that what you want?”
“It’s what Andrew wants. He wants me to join the practice he set up there.”
“You should talk to him.” I insisted. “Tell him how you feel.”
“I will. When the time is right.”
“You know, this still doesn’t explain why you and Andrew tried to stop me from being here when Grace delivered.”
I could see that Colleen didn’t really want to talk about this, even though she had come here to apologize for it. But she told me, ever so slowly. “Ma, Andrew is a doctor…and I’m your daughter. I know you and he knows medicine. And together we both knew that you were still grieving…I don’t know why, we just thought something would happen.”
“And it did.”
“No, we were wrong. You were doing fine. Had there not been the odd coincidence of the name…”
I stopped and started at her. “How did you know about that?”
“Sully told me.” Colleen said. “Now ma, don’t be angry, he had to. Andrew was ready to get you professional help for your depression. Sully had to convince him somehow that you were going to be ok. He told us everything about today.”
“And?” I could tell there was more.
“Well…Andrew and I…we have to go back to Pennsylvania soon.”
“Before Christmas?”
“No, but our train leaves the day after.”
“We only stayed this long to watch over you.” She admitted. Watch over me? What was there to watch? “Oh ma, I don’t know how to say this, or even if I should.”
“Colleen, if you came here to tell me something, then you should tell me. You wouldn’t have come if you didn’t want to say it.”
“I guess I should just start at the beginning.” That sounded like a good idea to me. “Andrew has a patient, a young girl who was raped. She’s pregnant and it’s too late for an abortion, not that Andrew would do that anyway…but the girl’s father is the real problem. He was willing to take care of the girl, and the child, until he found out that it was a black man who fathered the baby. Now he wants nothing to do with the child. He’s threatening to kill the baby when it’s born. In the meantime, he’s kicked her out of the house, and won’t let her come back until the baby is gone.”
I was appalled by this story and willing to help anyway I could. Some people just sickened me. I allowed Colleen to continue. “We’ve convinced Maggie not to do anything rash,” she said. “At first, she was going to make herself miscarry. But we took her in and she’s willing to have the baby, if we can find it a suitable home. When we heard that you lost another baby…we though…well…”
“You thought Sully and I would take the baby.”
“Yes, but when we got here and saw how upset you were…we didn’t know if we should even suggest it. The suggestion that you not be around Grace…yes we were concerned, but we were mainly trying to gauge your reaction to other children.”
“And did you discover what you needed to?”
“Ma, Maggie’s a sweet girl, but she’s only fourteen. Andrew and I can’t take the child, and so far we’ve had no luck finding someone who will.”
“Is there something wrong with the child?” I simply couldn’t imagine people not willing to take in a child.
“Only that its father is an ex-slave. It’s been all over the news ma. Everyone knows and they want nothing to do with Maggie or her child.”
“When is she due?” I wondered.
“Nine weeks.”
“I’d have to talk to Sully.”
“Oh ma, you’d really take the baby?!” Colleen was overly excited.
“If Sully agrees, yes.”
***
I brought up the idea to Sully on Christmas Eve. After the church services and our annual reading of The Christmas Carol, the children had all gone to bed, leaving Sully and I to set out presents under the tree. “Sully,” I began. “I’ve been thinking.”
He slid a wrapped box under the tree “Bout what?”
I took his hand and spoke seriously. “I’ve pretty much excepted the fact that I may never have another child. Even more so, I don’t know that I want to try. I just couldn’t deal with losing another child.”
“Michaela we decided all that already.”
“I’m not finished.” I said. “I’ve been thinking recently that it’d be a shame not to let our family grow, if the opportunity presented itself.”
“What are you getting at?”
“What would you think about adopting a baby?” I finally asked.
Sully looked at me curiously. “You’re serious?”
“Colleen and Andrew know a girl, her father wants to kill her baby.” I further explained the entire situation, including the baby’s heritage. “Sully we could take it in. Give it a home.” I looked into his eyes, trying to gauge his reaction. “Sully?”
“Michaela, are you sure about this?”
“Sully I want another baby. I don’t care if it’s my blood or not. We’d raise it as if it were our own, just like we did with Matthew, Colleen, and Brian.”
“We would.” Sully said. “I just wonder if you’re ready. You’ve had a rough time lately.”
“I’m ready Sully. That pain is behind me now. I have to move on with my life.”
“It would be nice to have another baby around.”
“So I can tell Colleen yes?” I said excitedly.
“Yes,” Sully said. “Tell her yes.”
“Oh Sully I love you so much!”
He came closer to me and gently touched my lips. “I love you too.”
After we broke from the kiss, I looked around. It had been a whirlwind of an adventure the last two months. And the next two months were going to be a whole new adventure. The pain I’d felt after the miscarriage had come, and gone, and come again. Now, as it continued to fade, I knew that life would go on. Our family would continue to grow as long as we let it. Plans change, bad things happen. But in the end, everything works out for the best.