Tears of Doubt

November 1873

Chapter 1
“Are Colleen and Matthew coming home for Thanksgiving?” Brian asked.
Michaela sat across from him at the kitchen table. Her eyes scrolled down the list she had made of things to do for the upcoming holiday. “I wired them both a few days ago.” She answered her son. “Matthew will be returning for a few days. Colleen isn’t sure she’ll have the time. It’ll be more convenient for her to come at Christmas.”
Brian was slightly disappointed, yet glad that his brother was coming home. “We sure aren’t gonna need a big turkey this year.”
“I don’t see why not. We’re going to have just as many people as we did last year.”
“How’s that?” Brian wondered.
“Well the only people that were here last year and won’t be are Colleen, Andrew, your Grandmother, and Aunt Rebecca. And I’ve invited Geoffrey, Dr. Mason, Dorothy, and Loren to join us.”
“Oh I guess we will need a big turkey.”
“Quite possibly. Sully said he’s going to take Geoffrey hunting in a few weeks. I imagine that will be a site to see.”
“Why don’t you go with them ma.” Brian suggested.
“Oh no. I wouldn’t want to intrude.”
But Brian knew that secretly, she wanted to go. “You know you fret when pa goes away.”
“But there’s Katie…and I have patients.” Michaela avoided the suggestion.
“It won’t be for long ma. And Katie can stay with me.”
“But you…”
“I’m old enough. I watch her all the time.”
“I don’t think Sully would….”
“I’ll talk to him.”
“I don’t think that is necessary Brian.”
“I’ll talk to him.” Brian insisted.
***
You’re planning on how many people?” Robert E exclaimed.
“Well everyone in town besides the Sully’s.” Grace said. “Far as I know no one else is cookin themselves.”
“Grace you can’t be working that hard. Not with the baby so close.”
Grace slowly ran her hand over her abdomen. “I’d never do anything that would put the baby in harms way.”
“I know you wouldn’t…but maybe ya don’t realize how much a strain this is gonna be.”
“What do you want me to do Robert E? Close down the café?”
“It won’t do no harm.”
“On Thanksgivin? People depend on me. I can’t just not feed them.”
“They can feed themselves for once.”
“But why should they? I am perfectly able to fix them a wonderful Thanksgiving supper. There is no reason I can’t.”
“Except that it’ll take up all your energy and the baby needs rest.”
“I ain’t changin my mind Robert E.”
“Then I’ll just have to find someone who will.” He said, storming out of the room.
***
Michaela sat in bed, once again reviewing her list for Thanksgiving. Sully quietly entered the room and stirred the fire. Even after he washed up, she had not noticed his presence. Taking a seat next to her on the bed, he took the paper and threw it to the floor. “Ya do know Thanksgiving ain’t for three weeks.”
“Sully I have things I must prepare for. These three weeks will be over before you know it.”
“Can’t hurt to take a little break can it?” he asked moving closer to her.
“But I have to…” Sully would not let her finish. He claimed her lips and did not release them until she responded accordingly. He then knew he had her attention. “I guess a short break won’t hurt anything.” She replied breathlessly.
Michaela stood to remove her robe. “Let me.” Sully insisted. Taking the soft fabric in his hands, he slowly lowered it from her shoulders. As the cloth moved downward, more of her skin was revealed. Sully’s heart quickened with every inch of her that became exposed. He moved his hands from her neck, down her arms. Michaela leant her head back and shivered with desire.
Michaela took a small step backwards in order to assist in Sully’s undressing. With that step, her feet suddenly collapsed from under her. Sully went to catch his wife, but was instead was pulled down with her. Michaela let out a cry of pain as she hit the floor, Sully landing on top of her. He had tried to brace the fall, but instead his hand dug into his wife’s side.
Sully quickly rolled off her and went to help her up. But Michaela was doubled over in pain, gripping her abdomen. He quickly realized that he had placed pressure there when he fell. “Michaela I’m so sorry. Did I hurt you?”
“You’re hand…you fell on me…”
“I know…I’m so sorry. I was tryin to catch you.”
“I know…it’s not your fault.”
“Can you stand?”
“I...I don’t know.”
“Alright. Let me just get ya in bed.”
“Oh Sully it’s alright. I simply had excess weight…” She could tell Sully was concerned so she tried her best to reassure him. “Your weight on top of me…well our bodies aren’t made to be crushed under that.”
“Crushed?”
“But it was only momentarily. There’s no reason to be concerned.”
Sully scooped her up and placed her in bed. She was still noticeably hurting. He then took the liberty of inspecting her injury. “Looks like your getting a bruise.” He commented, running his fingers lovingly on the surface of her skin. “It still hurtin?”
“Mm…a little…”
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Sully it’s just a bruise. I’ll be fine.”
“I feel terrible for hurtin you. Maybe if I had…”
“Sully stop…I tripped…we fell…it was an unavoidable accident. And I will be fine.”
“You sure? I didn’t hurt something inside?”
“I doubt it.” Michaela smiled. “And if so, we’ll know soon enough.”
“Know?…how soon?” Sully asked apprehensively.
“Sully I was only joking. Really…everything is fine. Like I said it’s just a bruise. The tissue just had too much pressure on it and the blood rose to the surface. It’ll be back to normal in no time.”
“You’re sure?”
“Positive…now will you join me in bed?”
“Not quite the evening I was hoping for.” Sully said as he climbed under the quilt.
“All I need is to be in your arms.” Michaela claimed. “Nothing else is necessary.”
***
Sully came up behind Michaela while she was fixing breakfast. He wrapped his arms around her. As his hand brushed against her belly, she cringed slightly. Sully stepped back. “You still sore?”
“I’m a little tender yes. But that’s to be expected.”
“Maybe you should have Dr. Mason take a look at ya. Just to be sure nothing else is wrong.”
Michaela turned around to face her husband. “I don’t think that’s necessary Sully. It’s only a bruise. You know from experience that they are tender for a few days.”
“I landed on ya pretty hard though.”
Michaela let out a small sigh. “Will you feel better if Tim examined me?”
“Yes.”
“Alright. I’ll go over to the chateau later this afternoon.”
“It ain’t like you to give in so easily.”
“It seems silly to argue over something so menial.” She replied. “It won’t do any harm to have Tim take a look.”
“Is there something you’re not tellin me?”
“Of course not.” Michaela replied shaking her head. “What would I not be telling you?”
Sully eyed her suspiciously. “I don’t know. This ain’t like you.”
“Just believe that I am fine and I’m only doing this to ease your worry.” Michaela said, returning her attention to the food on the stove.
“I do love you Michaela. I hate to see you hurt.” Sully said, nuzzling her neck.”
Michaela felt chills run through her with ever touch of him against her. She was finding it hard to concentrate on breakfast. “I know.” She breathed. “And that’s why I’m so willing to go to Tim.”
“Can I be there?” Sully asked, stopping his caresses.
“If you wish.”
“He won’t mind?”
“Sully you know me better then that.”
“You’ll have your way I’m sure.”
“Here.” Michaela offered a piece of bacon from the pan in front of her. “Try this.”
Sully too the food in his mouth and let his lips linger on her greasy fingers. “Tastes good.”
Michaela pulled away from the stove, and Sully. “I better get Katie up. We’ll be late and I have patients.”
“You’re not even gonna finish feeding me?” Sully asked.
“Help yourself.” Michaela said as she left the kitchen. “But save some eggs for Katie.”
Sully curiously watched her ascended the staircase. He was worried about her. But he’d know soon enough if she was injured worse then she let on.

Chapter 2
Michaela’s day was full of patients. She hardly had a moment to sit down and eat lunch. But Sully insisted she eat since he had already allowed her to skip breakfast. After the meal, Michaela sent Sully to get Dr. Mason from the chateau. She was simply too busy to leave the clinic for so long. While he was gone, the doctor had a visit from Robert.
“What can I do for you Robert E?” she greeted.
“I’m worried about Grace.”
“Why? Is something wrong?”
“She’s insisting on cooking Thanksgiving dinner for everyone.”
“Is that such a bad thing?”
“She don’t see how much work it’ll be. She’s up before sunrise for something like this. Don’t she need to rest or something?”
“Yes rest is important at this stage in her pregnancy. But I don’t think you’re going to be able to stop her. She loves her food and more then that, she loves sharing it.”
“You think she should be doing this much work?”
“Well I’d prefer that she have some help. She shouldn’t do so much on her own. But I don’t think you should stop her from putting together a Thanksgiving meal.”
“Can’t you talk to her Dr. Mike? Let her know it’s not good to work so hard.”
“I will talk to her.”
“Thanks Dr. Mike. I’ll have her come over later today if you’re free.”
“Yes that’ll be fine.”
Michaela let the blacksmith out and closed the door behind him. No sooner had she turned toward her desk then there was a knock on her door. She let out a sigh and went to face the latest patient. But instead of a sick person, she found Dr. Mason. “Tim, good afternoon.”
“Sully said you wanted to see me?”
“Yes I did…but where is he?”
“Sully? He said he had something to do at the homestead.”
“Oh. He said he wanted to be here…but we can’t afford to wait for him.”
“What is it that seems to be the problem?” Tim asked.
“We had a little accident.” Michaela began. “I have a large bruise on my abdomen and just wanted to be sure there was nothing more seriously wrong.”
“Alright. If you’ll just.” Tim motioned to the examination table.
“Yes of course.” Michaela said. She climbed up on the table and loosed her blouse from her skirt.
Tim nervously helped her lay back and slowly moved her blouse to examine her belly. “I..umm…I need…”
Michaela knew what he needed. Her skirt was covering most of the bruise. She undid her belt and slid the material just low enough for him to continue.
“It is quite large.” Tim agreed. “Do you have an pain?”
“Only when I touch it.”
“Yes well that’s normal.”
“I know.”
Time then began pressing around, looking for internal injuries. When he neared one area, his brow furrowed. He continued to poke and prod, trying to determine if he was correct in his suspicions.
His look did not go unnoticed by Michaela. “What is it?” she worried.
“I…I’d like to do a more thorough examination.” Mason replied.
“What for…is something wrong?”
“I don’t believe so…I think you may be pregnant.”
“Pregnant?” Michaela let out a half smile. “Are you serious?”
“As I said, I need to do a more inclusive examine. But yes I think so.”
“Let me undress first.” Michaela went into the other room and changed into something more appropriate for an examination. When she returned, she retook her place on the table. Dr. Mason timidly went to work to prove his suspicions correct.
***
Michaela could not control her excitement. She hurried home as soon as Tim left. She found Sully in the barn grooming his horse. “Sully!” she called upon spotting him.
She calmed slightly as she reached his arms. She wanted to tell him the news, but she was also curious as to what had kept him away from the clinic. She placed her arms around him as he continued to brush the horse. “You didn’t return with Tim.”
“I know…I had something to do here.” Sully continued to brush the horse, completely ignoring Michaela’s sensual touches.
Michaela forced him to turn around and face her. She leant into him and looked into his eyes. “But you wanted to be there.”
“I was too worried.” Sully said, avoiding her stare.
“Worried?”
“That he’d say something was wrong with ya. I couldn’t be there for that.”
“Oh Sully…there is nothing wrong with me. Far from it.” She moved her hands up and down his arms. “Don’t worry anymore.” She pleaded.
“You seem to be in a good mood.”
Michaela beamed. “I think I have reason to be.”
“And what’s that?” Sully wanted to know.
“I…I’m pregnant.”
“Pregnant?” Sully questioned. “You’re…a baby?”
“Yes!” Michaela laughed. “In May…. just like Katie.”
“I seem to remember you telling me about her ‘round this time.”
“Thanksgiving. I’ll always remember that day.”
“Me too.” Sully agreed. “I can’t believe it.”
“I know. We’ve been trying for so long. After the miscarriage I thought…I thought I couldn’t have another child.”
“But we are.”
“Yes we are.”
“I love you Michaela.” Sully said. She offered her lips and he gladly took them with his own. “I love you too.” She sighed.
“I got a surprise for ya.”
“A surprise? Don’t you think we’ve had enough excitement for one day?”
“I don’t think this can wait.”
“Why not.”
“Cause you’ll see it soon weather I show ya or not.”
“And I didn’t notice it before?” Michaela asked as he led her out of the barn.
“Not quite done yet. Had it hidden enough you wouldn’t see when ya came home.” Sully placed his hands over her eyes and led her to the porch. “Sit here.” He instructed, leading her down onto the steps. “I gotta finish something real fast.”
Michaela heard Sully walk around the side of the house. She tried to listen carefully for each of his movements. She heard him place something down behind her. Then he was working on something, though she couldn’t tell what. He was purposefully being as quite as he could. “Was this a planned surprise?” she wondered?
“Well I know how much you’ve been wanting a place to sit on the porch.” Sully said as he continued to work. “So I decided to do something about that.”
Michaela’s interest heightened. What was it her husband had planned for her? “You almost finished?”
“Just a second.” Sully said. After finishing, he came around and led Michaela to her feet. He turned her around to face the homestead. “Alright. Now you can look.”
Michaela opened her eyes and gasped. Before her sat a hand carved swing, carefully bolted it the roof of the porch. She could see all the detail Sully had put on it. Every piece was made by hid hand. She carefully walked to it and ran her hands over the smooth wood. “You made this…for me?” she asked.
“Yea.”
“Sully it’s wonderful…and beautiful…”
Sully came to her side and took her in his arms “Wanna try it out?”
Michaela nodded excitedly. Sully took a seat on the swing and placed his legs firmly on the ground. He led Michaela to sit next to him, but she had other plans. She placed her head in his lap and curled her body to fit on the swing. Sully stroked her hair with one hand, and placed the other over her side so that he could feel her abdomen. “It’s perfect Sully.” She said.
“I thought you’d like it.”
“I love it. I wish we could stay like this forever.”
“We can.” Sully responded, running his hand over her body.
“Mmm…I don’t think so Mr. Sully.” She didn’t want to leave, but knew an eternity on the swing was impossible. Even this afternoon was impossible.
“And why not?” Sully asked.
“I have to get back to the clinic.”
“You work too hard.”
“Sometimes.” Michaela agreed. “But I left Katie there. Tim’s watching her and the clinic.”
“Then she’ll be ok for a little longer.”
Michaela sat up on the swing. “Grace is coming by later on. I need to speak with her.”
“Everything’s ok ain’t it.”
“Yes. Robert E. is just a concerned father-to-be.”
“I know what that’s like.”
“You were wonderful Sully.”
“Can’t wait to do it all again.” He smiled.
Michaela agreed “Me either.”
“I’ll come back with ya. Gotta make sure you don’t stay too long.”
“Sully I’m fine.”
“I know…but I can’t be away from ya.”
“I do love you Mr. Sully.” She said, kissing him once more. “You make me what I am.”
“Pregnant ya mean?” Sully teased.
Michaela’s face turned red. “Sully!” she exclaimed. “That’s not what I meant.”
“I know.” Sully chuckled. “I’m sorry to embarrass you.” He said, running his finger down her red cheek. “You make me what I am as well.”
“We do have something special.” Michaela sighed.
“Don’t you ever forget it.”

Chapter 3
“Robert E said you wanted to see me.” Grace said upon arriving at the clinic.
“Please Grace, sit down.” Michaela directed.
“Is something wrong Dr. Mike?” Grace asked.
“Robert E’s worried about you.”
Grace immediately became tense. “I don’t know why.”
“Because he’s about to be a father and he wants you and the baby to be safe.”
“I’m fine.”
“Yes from what I can tell, you are.” Michaela acknowledged. “But that doesn’t mean he’ll worry any less.”
“I just wish he’d leave me be for five minutes! I can’t do anything without him tryin to get me to sit down.”
“Did you ever consider listening to him?”
“Why should I? I’m doin fine on my own.
“Yes…but we need to keep it that way.”
“What do you mean Dr. Mike?”
“I mean that you can’t work as hard as you normally do.”
“I’m already closing the café after lunch.” Grace said. “What more can I do.”
“I think it might be a good idea to rethink your Thanksgiving plans.”
“Did Robert E. put you up to this?” she accused. “He’s been tryin to get me to cancel Thanksgivin dinner. But I ain’t goin to Dr, Mike. So don’t even try to talk me out of it.”
“Yes he came to me for advice, but I’m not trying to get you to cancel by any means. But I do think it may be a good idea to get some help.”
“Help?”
“You can’t pull off such a big celebration on your own.”
“Are you sayin that cause Robert E asked you to?”
“No I’m saying this because I’m your doctor and your friend. I want to be sure you and your baby are alright.”
“You mean that.”
“Yes I do.”
“I guess it can’t hurt to have a few extra hands.”
“I know what it’s like Grace…To be forced to give up what you’ve worked so hard for. But in the end…It’s worth it.”
“You didn’t like having to work shorter hours at the clinic did ya Dr. Mike.”
“I thought I could do it all…and it almost cost me my baby’s life.”
“But Katie turned out just fine.”
“Yes. But had I not slowed down, she wouldn’t have.”
“I would never do anything to harm my baby.”
“What mother would?” Michaela wondered. “Sometimes we don’t realize it.”
“I’ll slow down Dr. Mike.”
“You’ve only got about a month to go. It’ll be worth every minute you spend away from the café.”
“Thanks Dr. Mike.”
“No problem. You come back if you need anything.”
“I will.”
“And let Robert E. pamper you. He does it because he loves you. Enjoy it while you can.”
“That man’s been drivin me crazy. Waitin on me hand and foot.”
“Sully was the same way.” Michaela laughed.
“How on earth did you take it?”
“I learned to enjoy it.”
“That’s one idea.” Grace chuckled.
“Let me walk you back to the café.” Michaela offered.
“That’s not necessary Dr. Mike.”
“I know.” She grinned. “But I want to hear some of those other ideas you have.”
Both women let out childish giggles before heading to the café.
***
Sully had joined his wife in town but he stopped at the livery. While Michaela and Grace talked at the clinic, the two men had there own conversations going. “She’s working too hard Sully.” Robert knew. “And nothing I say can get her to stop.
“Grace is a strong woman. I’m sure she’ll be alright.”
“She don’t realize how much work she puts inta Thanksgivin. She’s tired all the time now and yet she wants to get up at the crack of dawn to cook?
“It’s only because she loves what she does.” Sully said from experience.
“I know she says she’s fine but I also know she can’t fix such a grand meal alone. Not in her condition.”
“Michaela will talk to her.” Sully assured.
“I don’t know…she didn’t seem too convinced that Grace was doin anything wrong.”
“Trust me Robert E. She’ll talk to her.”
“I don’t know if I can take much more of this.”
“Havin a pregnant wife?”
“Yea. She’s drivin me crazy.”
“She’s thinking the same thing about you right now.”
“Did Dr. Mike…was she so difficult when she was pregnant with Katie?”
“Yea she was. Couldn’t get her to stop working, she was always changing her mood.”
“Grace don’t stay warm or cold for more then 5 minutes. She tosses and turns all night.”
“That’s just the way women are. Sometimes bein pregnant is hard…but don’t worry it’ll be over soon…and you’ll have a beautiful baby.”
“We’ve been waitin so long for this.” Robert E. said.
“I know. You deserve another chance.”
When the women rounded the corner, the spotted Sully talking to Robert E. “What are you two laughin about?” the blacksmith wondered when he saw them in a fit of giggles.
“Oh nothing?” Michaela smiled. “Just girl talk.”
“Hmmm girl talk?” Sully said, taking his wife’s hand.
“Sometimes we have to stick together.” Michaela told them.
“Long as it ain’t another man.” Sully joked.
“Never Mr. Sully.” Michaela said with a small kiss
Grace took this opportunity to greet Robert E. “I decided to get some extra help for Thanksgivin.”
“Really?”
“Yea. I can’t do it all.”
“You know I’ll help in any way I can.”
“I know. I love you.”
“I love you too.” Robert E replied.
Michaela and Sully stood watching their friends. They were glad to be of some help. And soon they would be going through the same thing. Only this time, they assured themselves, it would be different. This time they wouldn’t carry on. Sully wouldn’t be over protective, and Michaela wouldn’t work too hard. Instead, they would enjoy the pregnancy and everything that came with it.

Chapter 4
Michaela was already asleep when Sully came to bed. He relished in the thought of the baby growing inside her. After getting undressed, he climbed in beside his wife. Slowly, as to not wake her, he slid closer and slipped his arm over her to feel her belly. Michaela stirred slightly but didn’t wake. “You are beautiful Michaela Quinn.” Sully spoke softly. “I guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to tell you though.”
“Tell me what?” Michaela asked sleepily.
“I thought you were asleep.”
“I was…but what did you want to tell me?”
“How much I love you.”
“You had to wait for that?”
“No…there’s more.”
“What? Is something wrong?” Michaela asked, becoming more awake at the thought.
“I gotta leave tomorrow…for a surveying job.”
“I see…well it’s no big deal…you’ll be back soon enough.”
“I wouldn’t go if I didn’t have to.” Sully claimed, seeing her hurt.
“I know…I just hate when you’re away.”
“When I get back, we can tell the kids about the baby.”
“You really think we should tell them so soon?”
“Sure, why not?”
“I was thinking we should wait until Thanksgiving.” Michaela smiled.
“If you want to wait, then we will wait. Thanksgiving is sure gonna be an important holiday in our family.”
“Yes it is.” Michaela agreed. “And Christmas for Grace and Robert E.”
“You sure made Robert E happy…Getting Grace to not work so hard.”
“He was worried…and he was right…she shouldn’t fix the entire meal on her own.”
“They’ve had a few disagreements.”
“I think everyone does.” Michaela laughed. “We sure did.”
“Only because you’re so stubborn.”
“Or because you were driving me crazy.”
“But I wouldn’t change a thing.”
“Neither would I.” Michaela agreed. “I love being pregnant.”
“I do have ta leave real early tomorrow.”
“Brian wanted you to take him to the Red Rocks tomorrow. He has a school project to do and hoped you’d take him and tell him what you know.”
“Of course I’ll take him. As soon as I get back.”
“I’ll tell him.”
“You get some sleep…I’ll be home in two days, before supper. I promise.” Michaela settled down into Sully’s embrace and once again succumbed to sleep.
***
Michaela stood in the doorway of the homestead waiting for Sully to come home. He said he would be home by supper. When her husband didn’t arrive by the time she put Katie to bed, Michaela began to worry. She had been standing at the door for fifteen minutes, knowing or at least hoping that any second, Sully would be riding down the road.
Michaela was beginning to feel tired, so she went inside to get a blanket. She planted herself on the new swing Sully had built for the porch. She had left the door open in case Katie woke up, but Michaela was soon drifting off to sleep. She woke a short time later to the sound of horses approaching the homestead. She quickly saw that Sully was home and Cloud Dancing was with him. She went to meet her husband and friend in the barn.
Instead of rushing to his wife, Sully quickly went into the barn, closing the door behind him. Michaela was worried that something was wrong, but before she could get into the barn, Cloud Dancing covered her eyes and led her back to the house. Michaela was at loss for why her Indian friend would do something like this, but he insisted that it was for the best.
“Would you like some tea?” Since he wasn’t about to let her out of the house or tell her why, she figured he was staying. After Cloud Dancing agreed to tea, Michaela went the kitchen to fix it.
“Isn’t Sully coming in?” she asked when she returned to the living room.
“He will be in shortly” was all he would say.
When Sully finally stepped through the door, Cloud Dancing stood to leave. Michaela insisted he stay the night, after all it was very late by then, but he claimed to have something very important to take care of. ‘Like it couldn’t wait until morning’ Michaela thought.
Once they had seen their friend off, Sully embraced his wife and kissed her. “What were you doing out there?” she asked as they broke apart.
“I brought ya a surprise.” he said.
She smiled at her husband, he loved to surprise her. “Another one?” she asked, remembering how he surprised her with the porch swing.
“Yep. But this one’s better.”
“Do I get to see it?” she asked.
“You really want to know right now?”
Michaela could not contain her curiosity, so he took her out to the barn for her surprise. When Sully opened the barn door, sitting in the hay, Michaela saw the cradle that he had made before they had Katie. Michaela felt the tears well up in her eyes.
Michaela went over to the cradle and ran her hand over the smooth wood. It had been sanded and refinished in a darker stain. Michaela was so moved that Sully had thought to surprise her like this. She was even more moved by the hand-carved bird that hung above the cradle. It was just like the one he had thrown into the fire all those years ago. Michaela knew what it meant that he had carved another.
“Sully…it’s so beautiful. I can’t believe you did this.” She went into his arms and kissed him.
“Figured we’d need a cradle for the new baby.” he said “And this was lookin a bit worn, so I fixed it up.”
Michaela stood in his arms as he ran his hands over her belly. They stood like that for a while, relishing the thought of their new child, growing safely inside its mother. When they finally went inside, Michaela went to straight to bed. It was past midnight, and she was exhausted. After locking up, Sully came to bed and wrapped his arms around his already sleeping wife.

Chapter 5
Michaela woke a short time later with a small pain in her side. Not even pain, a small cramp. She got up and ran her hand over her belly. It’s just the bruise healing, she told herself. The pain went away swiftly, and Michaela returned to bed. But every hour or so, she’d be up again, with another cramp.
Sully had gotten into the habit of waking early to fix breakfast. When Michaela would insist he didn’t have to, he would say that she deserved it. It was nice to get waited on, but Michaela missed waking with her husband beside her. But this morning, she was glad he was gone.
After dealing with mild cramps all night, she had finally fallen asleep just before dawn. Sully had let her sleep simply because he knew she needed rest. She had not told him about the cramps. She herself was denying them, telling herself they were only because she was tired or that it was morning sickness. But by the time she woke, she could not ignore what her body was telling her, though she tried to as long as she could.
The cramps had only been occurring every hour, and were not painful, only uncomfortable. Hoping they were gone, Michaela stood and began to dress for the day. She went to her closet and began searing for something to wear. She pulled a skirt out and placed it over the back of a chair.
She then felt the wetness trickle down her leg. She grabbed her robe and rushed to the privy. She was horrified when she saw the blood spotting her undergarments. She quickly cleaned herself up and returned to the bedroom. She sat down for a few minutes to calm her nerves.
When she rose, she began to make the bed. Pulling the sheets back, Michaela noticed a small amount of blood on the sheets. She didn't want to think about it. She didn't want to admit what was happening. She heard Sully approaching the bedroom door and quickly covered the spot. "You feelin alright?" he asked when he saw she was still in her nightgown.
"I'm fine." she lied "I just couldn't decide what to wear."
"Well how about this." Sully said, puling a maroon blouse out of the closet. "And it goes with that skirt." he added, indicating the one she had already laid out.
"Yes that's fine. Thank You."
"Ya want me to bring some breakfast up?"
Michaela's stomach turned at the thought. But she knew Sully would worry if she refused. "Yes a little something would be nice."
"Alright. I'll be right back."
Michaela was quick to dress. She stuffed a few clothes in her pantaloons in case the bleeding continued. She wanted to believe it would stop, but the subtle cramps she felt every now and then indicated she was wrong. Sully returned shortly with a tray of food. Michaela did her best to eat, but her worry and pain made it difficult. "I think I better get to the clinic." she said when she could take no more.
"You sure you're alright?" Sully asked.
"I'm fine."
"We could stay home today." He suggested.
"No. Brian needs you to go with him. His project is due soon."
"Alright. Don't work too hard"
"I won't" Michaela vowed.
***
Hank watched from the gold nugget as Michaela pulled her wagon in front of the clinic.
She stepped down from the buckboard and lifted Katie to the ground. But when she reached for her medical bag, he noticed her clutch her abdomen. She recovered quickly and led Katie to the clinic door. She set the child on the bench outside and went to unlock the door. Suddenly, she doubled over in pain and collapsed to the ground. Hank rushed to her side. "Michaela...what is it?"
"I'm fine,” she claimed.
"No you're not. People don't just fall down like that. You’re hurtin."
"Can you help me up?" Michaela begged.
Hank placed his shoulder under her arm and lifted her to her feet. But once she stood, another pain gripped her and she once again doubled over. "Let me get you to a bed." Hank said scooping her into his arms.
"Hank I can walk." Michaela said weakly.
"No ya can't" he was already inside the clinic.
"Katie..."
"I'll get her in a minute." Then he heard Jake outside the door. "Jake!" he called, poking his head around the side of the door. "Get the kid!"
Jake didn't know what to think. He saw Hank quickly disappear to the second level of the clinic. Michaela was nowhere to be seen, but her little girl was sitting peacefully on the bench. He rushed to her and picked her up. "What's goin on Katie?" he asked, walking into the clinic.
Hank appeared momentarily. "Send someone for that new doc." He told the barber before rushing back to Michaela’s side.
Jake immediately went over to Dorothy's. Although he knew the writer was still recovering, he figured she could watch Katie for a few minutes. After assuring the little girl was safe, Jake took off for the chateau. He and Dr. Mason arrived at the clinic as quickly as the horses would carry them.
"What's going on?" Mason asked. By now a small crowd had gathered outside the clinic.
They didn't know what was wrong, but when someone rushed out of town as quickly as Jake had, something was bound to be wrong. Everyone shook their heads. "We don't know,” someone said. A small cry was heard from one of the clinic rooms. Mason’s eyes flew to the window. "Something’s wrong with Dr. Mike." Loren informed.
Accessing he would get no further information from the crowd, Tim rushed into the clinic and up to the room from which Michaela's cries were coming. He found the doctor curled into a small ball on a bed. Hank was there holding her hand and stroking her forehead.
"What's wrong?" Mason questioned.
"Ya think I know?" Hank spat the words. "You're the doctor."
"What happened then?"
"She just doubled over outside. Been clutching her stomach and cryin out every few minutes."
"The baby..." Michaela managed to mutter.
Dr. Mason understood. "Mike, have you had any bleeding?"
"Yes...this morning..."
"Perhaps you should leave." Tim told the bartender.
"I ain’t leavin her."
"She might be more comfortable."
"Says who?"
"Someone...get Sully..." Michaela managed to ask.
"Where is he Michaela?" Hank wanted to know. He was still holding her hand. "I'll go find him."
"No...Please stay.... send someone...else."
"Alright...but ya gotta tell me where he's at."
"Red Rocks....With Brian...Ohhh" she cried as another pain took over.
"Go tell Jake." Hank instructed the doctor.
"I can't leave her." Mason insisted.
"There's....nothing...you...can do..." Michaela responded.
But Tim could not accept that. “There's got to be something. Let me check you. Perhaps we can stop the bleeding."
"It's...too...late...please Sully needs...to know"
Dr. Mason hurried out to find Jake, but once he had assured the man was off, he returned to Mike's side. He immediately began removing her skirt. The last week had made him considerable less shy around her. Michaela struggled against him, only because the pain was so intense. "Please...Tim...let me be."
"But if there is something wrong with the baby...I can help."
"I told you it was too late!" Michaela screamed. "Now leave me alone!" She didn’t want him there.
In his attempts to help, Mason had loosened the clothes that Michaela had so carefully packed in her pantaloons. He saw that they were soaked in blood and there was no sign in it stopping.
"Michaela I need to try and stop the bleeding."
"You can't..."
"But you'll bleed to death."
Michaela struggled against the pain to teach the young doctor a small lesson." You must wait...until the tissue...is expelled...."
"But..."
"Tim I know what I'm talking about...”
"So do I.” Tim said, but Michaela would not give in. “Will you at least let me check you?"
“I’m losing the baby and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it. Please let me do this alone."
“No. I won’t let you suffer.”
Michaela tried her best to convey what she wanted. She suffered through every minute of pain but had to get him away. “Tim…have you ever…been there when…someone…had a miscarriage?”
“Well no …but I’m a doctor.”
“So I am…and I know…from experience, that there...ohh…is nothing…nothing…you can do to ease…my suffering.”
“You simply want me to sit by and let your baby die?”
“It’s already…da...da…dead”
“I can stay and help.” Mason insisted.
"No...I'll know when it's over...I’ll call for you then."
“You’re letting him stay?” Mason asked with a motion towards Hank who was still holding Michaela’s hand.
“He does what…he wants…” Michaela responded.
“Very well. I’ll be outside if you need me.”

Chapter 6
When Dr. Mason was finished cleaning up, he told Michaela to rest. "I'll check on you soon. You know if you experience further cramping that it's normal. But if it worsens in any way, let me know."
"I will." Michaela responded half-heartedly.
“Hank is waiting outside. I can have him leave if you want.”
"No...let him in if he wants."
"Jake went to find Sully. I'm sure they'll be back soon."
“Thank you Tim."
Leaving the door partly open, the young doctor left him college in peace. Soon, Hank returned. "You didn't have to stay." Michaela told him
"You shouldn’t be alone."
Michaela tried her best to be strong. "I'll be alright."
"If you want me to leave..."
"No!...I mean... stay if you like"
"I just wanna make sure you're ok..." Hank said, not wanting to show his caring too much.
"I wanted to...Thank you...for helping me."
"I don't know much about medical stuff."
"That doesn’t matter. You were a great comfort."
"I had no idea what was goin on."
"But you did what you could."
"So you were pregnant."
Michaela felt a lump form in her throat "Yes... I was."
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to..."
"No it's alright. I've got to face the truth."
"I know this happened before...I'm sorry."
"There’s nothing to be sorry about Hank."
"But...loosin a child...it's gotta be hard."
"There’s nothing to be done."
"You don't have to be so strong all the time Michaela. You can talk to me."
"You wouldn't understand."
"I know what it's like to lose someone ya love. You loved that baby already…I know it. Don’t see much difference."
Michaela felt the tears welling up in her eyes. She had lost her child. Another baby that she'd never know. Hank could tell she wanted to cry, but she couldn't, not in front of him. "Michaela...I know that sometimes I ain't been the perfect gentleman around ya...heck I've been horrible to you at times...but I've always cared for you. I just ain't good at showin it."
Michaela felt his sincerity. While chocking back tears, she tried to convey her feelings. "I haven't...always been...kind to you either Hank."
"That’s just who you are."
"That’s no excuse. I've always been one to not judge unfairly. And I think...I think that there are times when I've done so...and I'm sorry..."
Hank noticed a single tear slip down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away, hoping he did not see. "You can cry around me ya know."
Those were the only words she needed to hear. Before she new it. She was weeping uncontrollably. Hank was unsure what to do or say. He took a seat on her bed and lured her to his arms. Softly stroking her hair, he tried to comfort her the best he could. But no words seemed right for the occasion. “I’m here Michaela…it’ll all be ok…you can talk to me…” He kept repeating those words over and over until he noticed her crying was beginning to ebb.
“I…I don’t know…what to do…” she told him.
“You carry on…just like ya did last time.”
“But it’s so different…Sully…he’s going to be devastated…I don’t know what to say to him.”
“What did you say last time?”
"I told him that I’d lost our baby..."
"And what did he say?"
"He was worried about me...wanted to be assured I was alright..."
"And what makes ya think this time will be different."
"That’s just it...after he knew I was alright, he disappeared. I couldn’t find him...he was so lost...I don't want that to happen again."
"I’m sure it'll be fine...Sully loves you."
"I...I'm not sure I can tell him..."
"Dr. Mason will do it...if not I will."
"You?"
"Yea...no need you worryin over it."
"I don't know if I can face him."
"I told ya...Sully loves you..."
"What if that's not enough?"
"What are you gettin at?"
"I can't give him a son...what if...what if he can't accept that?"
"You are the most beautiful woman in Colorado Michaela Quinn...Sully'd be a fool to let anything keep you apart."
"With the last miscarriage...he wasn't there...I recovered on my own..."
“Won’t it be easier to heal with Sully around?”
“I don’t know…I needed him so much back then…and he wasn’t here…I…I had to learn…to carry on without him…”
“But it was hard on ya.” Hank sensed.
“I wanted to crawl in bed and never get up.” Michaela revealed.
"Does Sully know that?"
"I couldn’t ever tell him...it was heard enough to tell him about the baby...but what I went through...I couldn't go into too many details."
"And you're afraid of him seein ya weak?"
"Yes."
"You gotta face him sometime....he knows you're heart... you can't hide."
"I don't know how to tell him what I feel."
"Just talk to him...like you're talking to me."
"I don't know if I can."
"Of course you can...and if you need someone else, you can always come to me."
"Thank you Hank."
"You think you can get some rest?"
"Will you stay?"
"If you want me to."
“Yes…stay.”
"Then I'll stay...Now get some sleep" Michaela snuggled down into the soft comfort of the blankets. Hank took her hand and held it tight until she drifted off to sleep.
***
Sully rushed upstairs. He didn't know what was going on, only that Michaela was ill. He burst into the first room on the right. No one was there. He was about to run into the next room when Tim steeped out, closing the door quietly behind him. "Michaela...where is she" Sully asked. "What’s wrong?"
Dr. Mason wasn't sure what to say. As gently as he could he broke the news to Sully. "I'm afraid... Michaela had a miscarriage."
Sully felt his heart drop. Another baby lost. And again he wasn't there. "Is she alright." he managed to ask. His mouth was dry and the words were barely audible.
"She’s resting now. She should recover just fine but she was in a lot of pain. I think now, it's mostly emotional...she was asking for you."
Sully wanted to crawl in a cave and die. He hated to hear of her pain, and he couldn't help but think this was his fault. He was the one who fell on her. He caused her pain that night and now she had lost their baby. the whirlwind of emotions swirled around him. But he managed to guide his feet to her door. But what he saw when he stepped in did not make his pain lesson.
Sully entered the room and found Hank sitting in a chair next to his wife, her hand was held tightly between his. Sully was sickened by the site. His wife needed him and instead Hank was the one there with her. "I think you should leave" Sully said.
"Shhh...don't wake her up."
"I don't think that's your concern."
"I think it is. I'm the one helped her through this. While you were off in the woods."
"I would have been here if I’d have known."
"Yes just like ya would’ve been here last time too."
"I couldn't help that."
"She needed you Sully! You didn't see what she went through today. And I bet she never told ya what it was like last time."
"She told me what she could."
"Yea well that ain't nothin. I was here. I know what shew as goin through. And I ain't leavin her."
Sully's heart was breaking apart. He knew Hank was right, he wasn't there, he didn't know. But he knew what he felt. He understood what it was like to lose a child. "Hank I asked you to leave. And I suggest you do so before I make you."
"Oh so now you're threatin me?"
"No just warnin ya."
"I'll leave...but when she wakes up and asks for me, you sure as heck better find me."
"She won't."
"Just you wait." Michaela stirred at the sound of the door slamming behind the bartender. "mmm....Wha...."
"Shh Michaela I'm here." Sully soothed, taking her hand.
"Sully?"
"Yes it's me."
"Where’s...Hank?"
Sully cringed. "He had to get back to the saloon." Sully lied.
"He said...he'd stay..."
"And he did...for a long time....but I'm here now."
"Sully...the baby..."
"Shh...I already know...Tim told me."
"I'm sorry..."
"No I'm sorry...I should have been here..."
"No...it's alright."
"It’s not. I wasn’t here again."
"You were with Brian...he needed you."
"You needed me more."
"You didn't know"
"I would have stayed with you."
"I know."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't think I can."
Sully could tell she was fighting tears. Sully went to her and pulled her into his embrace. “It’s ok Michaela. Everything’s gonna be alright.” He tried to reassure her, yet at the same time, he was felling her pain.
“It’s not…ok Sully…” Michaela said through her tears. “I lost…our…baby!”
“It’s alright. We can try again.”
Now that she had admitted the truth to herself and to Sully, she couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down her face “No Sully. I will not… do this again. I can’t… lose …another child…It’s just too hard…I’m sorry…I just can’t…”
“Shh…you don’t gotta do anything you don’t want. Now lets just get you felling better ok?”
Michaela snuggled in her husband arms and they cried together. “Just get some sleep. You need your rest."
"Yes..."Michaela closed her eyes and tried to sleep. But it was no use. She couldn’t sleep in his arms. "Sully?" she implored.
"Yea?"
"Can you ask Hank to come back later?"
"Why?"
"I just...want to thank him..."
"As soon as I know you're resting good, I'll find him." He assured, stroking her hair.
The thought comforted her. Michaela finally drifted off to sleep, but Sully continued to hold her. He was not so peaceful. Why did she want Hank? What could he do?

Chapter 7
The following day, Michaela insisted on going home. She couldn’t remain in bed any more. She hated being sick and would not let everyone feel sorry for her. Most of all, she would not feel sorry for herself. She had to go on with life. As the days passed, Michaela went deeper and deeper into depression. Yet she continued to pretend. To act as if nothing was wrong. Everyone in town was glad she was doing so well. Grace and Dorothy commented how much better she was doing compared to the last miscarriage she suffered through.
Sully was the only one to notice how distant she was becoming. Around family and friends, she pretended to be recovering fine. But no one else saw the pain in her eyes. He knew that look. He knew her pain. He was feeling it as well. And knowing that he couldn’t talk to the one person who would understand made it that much worse. But what could he do to stop it?
One night, she was sitting by the fire, reading Katie a story. But like most thing lately, Michaela soon lost interest. She set the book down and asked Sully to continue.
Katie cried for her mother to return, but her tears where not heard. Sully tried to sooth the little girl, and soon she was once again interested in the story. Sully read slowly, all the while watching his wife. She had gone into the kitchen momentarily, but now was outside sitting on the swing.
Sully could see her outline from the window. She wasn't doing anything except sitting. Sitting and starring into the nothingness of the night sky. Her starless atmosphere matched her empty heart. He prayed the little girl would fall asleep so that he could go to his wife. He. Michaela was closing off her heart to everything. knew if they didn’t talk soon, it would be too late.
Michaela spent many a night out on the swing. The November atmosphere somehow matched how she was feeling. Dark and cold, with no change of weather in site. She sat outdoors for long hours. She wept for her child and for herself.
She began weeping for Sully. In her eyes, she would never be able to give Sully the one thing he wanted…a son. She was a failure. She would never have another child, even if the doctor insisted she could. To her, life as a mother was over. Michaela couldn’t even see that Katie needed her. All she could see was her failure as Sully’s wife.
But the next day, things would change. Michaela went to work as usual. Although everyone had tried to get her to rest for a few days, she returned to work only two day days after the miscarriage. She felt it was best that she keep busy. Everyone assumed it was because she was doing better, but really it was to hide.
Sully stayed home that day with Katie. He intended to get caught up on the housework that had been neglected since they lost the baby. Sitting Katie in the dirt with a few toys, Sully gathered the laundry and began to wash. Once he was done with everything from the rest of the house, he went inside to gather the basket from his and Michaela’s bedroom.
Sully scrubbed each shirt over and over again. He threw Michaela’s blouse in the hot water and scrubbed. Looking down at Katie, he suddenly felt his heart twist. He thanked god every day for his little girl. But now, just looking at her play, he was reminded of the child they just lost. Sully’s pain ripped through him as he continued to do the laundry. He scrubbed with all his might, hoping to release his grief with the energy he spent.
Nearing the bottom of the heap, Sully pulled a bed sheet from the basket. It was wadded up in a tight ball. When sully placed it in the water, he watched the fabric expand and flow out in the tub. Then he saw it, the red, rising to the surface. He watched it for a moment before pulling the sheet out of the water. He began to inspect every inch of it. He ran his hands over the clean whiteness until he found it. An area of red amongst the white. Sully examined it further. Blood. He knew it. But from what?
Sully held the sheet in his hands and thought long and hard. Then it hit him. The baby. That had to be it. He hadn’t been hurt, and besides that unfortunate day, neither had Michaela. He scrunched the linen in his fist and cried out. He wasn’t sure what it meant, but he knew one thing. The miscarriage had started long before Michaela went to the clinic that day. She had known, yet she went to work. And worst of all…she didn’t tell him.
When Michaela returned from the clinic that day, Sully was on the porch swing waiting for her. He had asked Brian to take Katie fishing as soon as the boy came home from school. Since then, Sully had been sitting on the swing, the bed sheet on his lap, rocking back and forth. Michael rode up and tied Flash to the corral post. As she approached the homestead, she noticed Sully was waiting for her. She smiled at him, as an attempt to show she was ok. But Sully knew it was false. His anger bubbled as she came nearer. “What are you doing out here?” she asked innocently.
In a monotone voice Sully responded. “Waiting for you.”
“Is something wrong?”
Sully held up the sheet, which she had not yet seen. Sure to make the red stain visible, he flung it at her. “What’s this?!”
Michaela saw the blood and gasped. She desperately tried to take a breath, but her chest was tightening. She hadn’t seen that sheet in days. Not since she hid it the morning of the miscarriage. She wanted to forget it. But here, in her hands, were the remnants of her child. Michaela let out a scream and threw the sheet to the ground. Taking her skirt in her hands, she ran off the porch and into the barn.
Sully would not let her get away so easily. He rushed after her, grabbing the sheet on his way. “You can’t run away anymore Michaela.”
“Go away!” she yelled.
“I’m not leavin. I want answers.”
“Answers? What for? What do want to know Sully?”
“I wanna know what this is all about.” He said, again showing the sheet.
“It’s a bed sheet Sully.”
“I can see it’s a bed sheet…why does it have blood on it?”
“I don’t know.”
“Don’t lie to me!”
“I was bleeding.” Michael admitted.
“From what? Were you hurt?” he needed to hear the words from her.
“Do you really need me to say?”
“Yes.”
“It was our baby Sully. I was losing our baby and bled on the sheets.”
Sully was about to lose it. He was trying his best to stay calm, but every word he said was through clenched teeth. “You knew you were having a miscarriage…and you still went to work.”
“I thought I could stop it.” Michaela lied. “If I went to the clinic.”
“But you didn’t tell me! You let me go off with Brian…when you knew!”
“There was nothing you could do!”
“I could have been there with you.”
“What for?”
“Because I love you.”
“No you don’t.”
“Why would you say that?”
“I can’t give you a son.” Michaela sobbed.
Sully’s anger momentarily faded when he saw his wife’s pain. “That don’t mean anything to me.”
“Yes it does…I see you…I see that hollow look in your eyes every day. I know you’re in pain and it’s all my fault.”
“None of this is your fault.” Sully assured.
“How can you say that? Moments ago…you were angry with me…Well don’t try to pretend Sully…don’t act like you aren’t angry.”
“Michaela…I’m sorry…I’m not angry with you…I’m angry that our child was taken from us. I was looking to blame someone and you gave me the chance.”
“Just admit it! You’re angry! Now please, leave me alone.”
“No, I won’t. I wasn’t here last time to help you through this. I won’t leave now.”
“Leave Sully!” Michaela screamed. “Leave or I will.”
Sully was afraid of what either of them might say if he stayed. He slowly left the barn and retook his place on the porch swing. Why wouldn’t she let him help her? Why couldn’t they work together to heal? He knew that was what was best. But she was closing him out. Nothing he said got through to her. She could not be convinced of anything outside her realm of belief.

Chapter 8
When Brian returned with Katie, Sully was still rocking on the swing and Michaela was still in the barn. “Poppy! Poppy!” Katie called, running up the stair to her father. “We catch…f.f.fish!”
“That’s great Katie.” Sully said. “Why don’t we go cook em up for supper?”
Sully led the little girl into the house and to the kitchen. Brian followed with the bucket of fish. “Where’s ma? He wondered.
Sully wasn’t sure weather to tell the boy the truth or to make up a lie. Knowing Brian was smart, and growing up, he didn’t lie. “She’s in the barn.”
“What’s she doin out there?”
“Staying away from me.”
“Why? What happened?”
She’s just angry and hurttin.”
“Is it about the baby?” Brian assumed.
“Yea.”
“I remember what it was like last time.”
“Tell me about it?” Sully pleaded.
“Well…she didn’t tell us when it happened so I don’t know a lot. But we were havin a meetin about what to put in the time capsule…and grace said something about ma expectin…and she said ‘no I’m not.’ That’s when Matthew and I found out…For the next few days, she stayed in bed and dried a lot…That’s really all I know Sully.”
“That’s fine Brian…all I needed to know.”
“Ma’s gonna be alright ain’t she?”
“I don’t know Brian. She won’t listen to what I say.”
“Last time, Matthew made the comment that he wished you were there…don’t seem to be doin any good. She’s worse then last time. Everyone in town is sayin how good she’s doin. But I can tell she’s hurtin”
“You’re right Brian. But she won’t let me help her.”
“What’s wrong exactly? I mean…I know it’s terrible…losin the baby and all…but there’s somthin else going on…”
“She thinks I’m angry with her.” Sully confessed.
“That’s crazy…you’re not angry are you Sully.”
“I was…but not at her…”
“Then why does she think that?”
“She believes I only care about having a son. A son she can’t give me.”
At the moment Michaela burst through the door. She had decided to come inside, but had opened the door just in time to hear Sully. “I only care about having a son!” she yelled. “A son she can’t give me!” she had only heard the last part of the conversation. “I knew it all along…but how can you say something like that to Brian?”
“Michaela I…”
“I don’t want to hear it! You blame me for not giving you the son you’ve always wanted! You’ve admitted that now! But Sully this was not my fault! You know very well our baby would be fine if it weren’t for you!”
Sully was taken aback. He had thought it. Over and over he considered the fact that he was to blame. He had crushed her when he fell. She said it herself. “You want to blame me?” he spat. “Then go ahead.”
“I do blame you. You killed our baby!”
Brian watched the exchange from the kitchen. Katie came up and peeked out from behind the table where she was hiding. “Brian…scared” she whispered.
Brian went to the child and took her in his arms. “Shh…it’s gonna be ok Katie.”
But the fighting did not stop. Michaela and Sully continued to fling harsh words at one another. “And you weren’t even there to face it!” Michaela screamed. “You weren’t even there to hold my hand as our child slipped away.”
“That’s your fault, not mine.” Sully shot back. “You could have told me, but instead you sent me off.”
“Don’t try to turn this back on me Byron Sully.”
“Stop it!” Brian called. He came around from the kitchen, Katie fearfully clinging to him, her hands over her ears. “Listen to what you’re sayin!” he continued. “Scaring Katie with all the yellin…it only makes things worse…you gotta talk together or you’ll never get through this.”
Michaela and Sully were silent. But nothing would be changed that night. Michaela stormed off to her bedroom, tears once again brimming in her eyes. Sully and Brian feed Katie and themselves and went to bed early. Everyone was hurting, and no one could heal.
Michaela had hit rock bottom. Her feelings of failure as a wife and mother took over. She could see the look of disgust every time someone in her family looked at her. It was as if they were saying “You failed us. We don’t need you anymore.” So she packed some clothes and some food and left. She wasn’t sure where she was headed, she simply got on Flash and rode away.
Michaela had been hiding her feelings from everyone. She smiled and laughed as if not one bad thought ever crossed her mind. Every one of her friends and family members though that she was fine. They were so glad that she was handling the miscarriage well.
The day Dr. Mike left Sully had taken Brian and Katie fishing. Wanting to spend the rest of the day with his wife, he dropped the kids off at the clinic and headed home with a picnic lunch from Grace’s. he was determined to make up with her and to get her to see there love was still strong.
At the homestead, Sully found the note that Michaela had left. It said:

Dear Sully,
I can’t push aside my feelings any more. I can’t continue to live with the constant reminders of my failures. I have caused noting put pain in your life. I can’t do that to you anymore. I love you too much to see you suffer. I hope that one day, you will see that I never meant any of it. I tried to be a good wife, but ultimately, I failed, just as I have failed as a mother, I know that since the miscarriage you have seen me as a failure. The one thing you wanted in life, a son, was the one thing I couldn’t give you. I’m sorry that I have failed as a wife and mother. I’m leaving you so that you can find another wife who will be able to have your children. Take care of Katie and tell her I’m sorry. I’ve failed her too. I know you won’t come after me. I haven’t seen that look of love in your eyes since we lost the baby. All I see is the resentment. The desire for me to be gone. Now you get your wish. I will leave and won’t come back…ever. You’ll be better off without me. That’s what everyone has been thinking these last few days. Life will be better if I’m not there. Please understand that I never meant to hurt you. But now that I have, I must leave. I must live my life alone, without anyone to hurt.
I will always love you, I only wish you loved me back.
Michaela

As Sully read these words, tears stung his eyes. How could his wife fell like this? He loved her more than life itself. Yes, he was hurt that they had lost another child, but that never changed the way he felt about her. He would love her even if they never had any children. He knew he should have talked to her after they argued. He had let her go to bed angry and now she was gone.
Sully had an idea where Michaela had gone. She had gone to Hank, he was almost sure of it. He was the one person she would talk to nowadays. Sully quickly saddled his horse and rode into town. Bursting through the doors of the Gold Nugget, he went immediately to Hank. Taking the man’s shirt in his hands Sully asked. “Where is she?”
“Whoa Sully calm down. Where’s who?”
“Michaela.”
“She ain’t here.”
“Don’t lie to me Hank.”
“I’m not lyin Sully. Why would ya think she’s here? She went home hours ago.”
“She’s gone.” Sully said, throwing the letter in the bartenders face. “And you’re the only one she’ll talk to!” Sully spat. “I wanna know where she is.”
“She’s not here Sully. I’m telling the truth. She didn’t even come by here. But we gotta find her.”
“I’ll find her.” Sully sid.
“Not by yourself you won’t.”
“Stay out of it Hank.” Sully threatened. “I’ll find her on my own.”
Sully quickly left the saloon and decided that he had to go after his wife. Somehow, he would find her and make her realize that nothing has changed. That she had not failed anyone and that he still loved her. He went straight o the train station. Horace insisted that Dr. Mike hadn’t bought a train ticket. He hadn’t seen her at all that day.
After making sure that Dorothy and Brian would watch Katie and Grace and Robert E. would help, Sully went back to the homestead to look for clues as to where Michaela had gone. In the barn, he discovered that Flash was gone. Outside he found horse prints in the mud. He began to follow Flash’s prints. Sully thanked God that the ground was soft, leaving perfect tracks to follow.

Chapter 9
Sully caught up with Michaela when she stopped for the night near the base of Pike’s Peak. She sat by a fire she had made and stared into the flames. It was as if her mind was gone. Sully approached her carefully “Michaela…”
She jumped up, surprised to see anyone, let alone Sully. “What are you doing here?” she asked.
“I came ta bring ya home. Michaela I love you.”
“No you don’t. You don’t love me and you don’t need me. Please just leave me. You’ll be better off.”
“I do love you…please…we’ve been through something terrible…but we’ve got to get through this together.”
“You’re the one who came to me with a bloody sheet full of rage!” Michaela yelled. “How can that help me heal?”
“I didn’t mean it…I’m sorry Michaela.”
“No you’re not.”
He argued with her for awhile, but it was obvious that she would not be convinced of his love that easily. He left, but not without a plan. He was scared to leave her alone, so he stayed camped nearby where she wouldn’t know he was there. He wrote her a letter. When Michaela was asleep, he placed it in her saddle bag. He thought that if she saw how much he loved her, she would snap out of it and come home.
When Michaela woke the next morning, she quickly packed up. She was determined to get as far from Colorado as possible, as quickly as possible. When she went to place the matches in her saddle bag, she found the letter from Sully. It said;

To my loving wife Michaela,
I must be crazy now. Maybe I dream too much. But when I think of you, I long to feel your touch. I want to whisper in your ear words that are as old as time, words only you would hear. I will love you all of my days. That is a promise I made to you, and I will never take back that promise. Michaela, I love you. Please come home and say you love me too.
Love, Sully

For a moment, Michaela wanted to find Sully and run into his arms. But then her mind returned to those felling of failure. She remembered them fighting, all the words he had spoken. She assumed that Sully was still around, but she couldn’t see him, asleep in the woods.
“Let me let go!” she cried. “This is for the best! Why are you still in my heart, still in my soul?! Let me let go, please!” She saddled Flash and was off again.
By the time Sully woke, Michaela was gone. He cursed himself for over sleeping. He immediately began searching for prints, but couldn’t find any. Wolf couldn’t even pick up her scent. Knowing that he wasn’t getting anywhere, Sully headed back to town. He sent a wire to every train station around. He figured that Michaela couldn’t ride forever. She would eventually get a train to wherever she was going. He assumed that she would go to Boston, so he sent word to Rebecca about what had happened. He didn’t want Mrs. Quinn worrying, so he asked her to keep quiet. Sully knew that Rebecca could be trusted.
Sully couldn’t think of anything else to do. There was no way he could find her, not knowing which direction to go. It would impossible to search everywhere. Instead he waited for someone to spot her at a station. He hated giving up, not going out himself, but he knew it was for the best.
After two days, Sully knew that he couldn’t just sit and wait. He had to do something to find his wife. He began searching every train station and hospital from Colorado to Massachusetts. Everyday he would wire home to check for word.
One day a telegram came from Michaela’s friend Miriam. It said:

Dear Mr. Sully,
I do not know if you remember me, but I am an old friend of Michaela. I was certainly surprised to see her on my doorstep a few days ago. She never told me why she came, but I was glad to have her hear. I couldn’t write to ask why she came, but I need you to come to San Francisco. Unfortunately Michaela got sick this morning. The doctor says it is nothing serious but that she cannot travel home by herself. I would of course love to accompany her, but I am unable to do so at this time. Please let me know if you can make this trip. I think that she needs to return home soon.
Miriam Tilison

As soon as Brian got word to Sully, who was in St, Louis at the time, Sully caught the very next train to San Francisco. When he arrived at Miriam’s house, he found out that Michaela had an infection. The doctor said it was most likely from the miscarriage. With medicine, she would be fine. He wanted someone to travel with her incase she had a reaction to the medicine.
Sully went to Michaela’s room. He knocked softly on the door. “Come in.” she called through the still closed door. When she saw that Sully was there, she became upset. She told him to leave. Then turned away and pretended to be asleep. Sully didn’t want her upset, so he left. But first her left a letter on the nightstand. “I love you Michaela.” He whispered before he closed the door.
Michaela sat up once he left. She was upset that he had come, but also angry that Miriam had told him she was there. Then she noticed Sully letter. It said:

My Sweet Michaela,
Hard times have fallin on you. Even when I see you smile, I see the hurt come through. And I know it feels like its never gonna end. I’ve been there Michaela. I know what it fells like to lose a child. I’m going through the same thing you are, even if you don’t realize it.
I see the tears in your eyes as you read my letters. Tears of doubt flow down your face. You doubt yourself and you doubt me. But there is nothing to doubt. I only hope that after reading this you will realize how strong my love is.
I apologize if I never told you what you are in my eyes. So let me tell you now. Every day looked sweeter knowing you’d be there beside me. How can you say that’s not enough?
Everything my heart desires is in you. Morning sun and midnight fires. Someone there to share my dreams. With you, I had everything. If I could re-win your heart, if you’d let me back in your heart, I’d be so happy. Just for you to be back in my arms. There’s nothing in this world I won’t try, no limit to what I’d do, to make you mine again. I’d climb right up to the sky. I’d take down the stars, just to have you in my arms. I’d go and capture the moon, just to hear you say that you love me.
Better days are commin around. I know you fell like the whole world’s gone and let you down. Better days are commin. I know they will because I’ll be right there makin sure they do.
And if your sky ain’t lookin the fairest, there ain’t no reason to be embarrassed. Ain’t nobody in the world ain’t felt the rain from time to time. Just when you think its all over and done, the nights get easier, one by one. Give me a chance, and I show you that nothing has changed.
I know what its like to have to face the fight, but I won’t let you stand alone .Wipe those tears of doubt away. Believe my words and come back to me.
I will love you with all my heart until the end of time.
Love Sully

Michaela read this letter, and all her uncertainty disappeared. She didn’t know why this one letter reached her and the first one didn’t, but something inside changed as she read Sully’s words. Maybe it was the time that they had already spent apart. She finally felt his love again and returned it wholeheartedly. She felt horrible for feeling the way she did. She wrote Sully back, knowing she could never say what she felt to his face. She couldn’t even write without crying. If she tried to talk, the words wouldn’t be able to break through her tears. She wrote:

Dear Sully,
I don’t know where to start. I’m so sorry for what I have done these last few weeks. I was not right in my mind. I couldn’t see past my own delusional thoughts. I hope this explains how I feel and that you can forgive me.
When the world was cold and I needed a friend to hold, you gave me love. And when my hope was gone, and I felt I couldn’t go on, you gave me love.
I know now that your love for me will never die, and me love for you is stronger than ever. In fact, not a single minute passes without you in i. Your voice, your touch, memories of your love are with me all the time. I was just too lost to see them. You are still in my heart, still the second half to my soul. But I’m scared.
Where do we go from here? This isn’t where we intended to be. We had it all, you believed in me, I believed in you. Certainty disappeared. What do we do for our dreams to survive? How do we keep all our passions alive, as we used to do? Deep in my heart, I’m concealing, things that I’m longing to say. Scared to confess what I’m felling. Frightened you’ll slip away. You must love me.
I believe that I can come home, but it will take a lot of work. I still can’t forgive myself. I love you and hope that your love will continue to heal me. Please forgive me.
I love you,
Michaela

Sully read her letter, and wept. It broke his heart to see his wife so hurt. He immediately went to her room to take her home. When Michaela opened her door and saw Sully there, she fell into his embrace. “I’m so sorry Sully…. I’m sorry I doubted you… I sorry I left…. I sorry I…. lost our baby. Please forgive me.”

Chapter 10
Sully continued to hold her as she wept. “There’s nothin to forgive Michaela. You were hurt and your mind was playin tricks on ya. Ya just had ta realize that it was the pain making ya think like that. I know that you didn’t mean it.”
“It’s still…my fault…our baby is…gone.” She cried.
“No it ain’t.” he reassured her. “Cloud Dancing told me that when a child dies, it’s because its soul ain’t ready to be on Earth. We gotta believe that our babies will be with us when they’re ready.”
“I don’t think I could go through this again Sully. I don’t know if I want to try for another child. I don’t want another heartbreak. I don’t need another turn to cry.”
“Then we won’t.” he said. “I told ya once that if we don’t have any children, I’d still love ya. We got a beautiful little girl together, plus Matthew, Colleen, and Brian. I’ve got more than I could ever ask for. You’ve got ta believe that not having another baby doesn’t change anything.”
“I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know how to carry on.” She cried.
Sully led her to the bed and held her close. “I’m gonna tell ya a story.” Sully began. “You may think I don’t know what you’re going through…but I do…I’ve been so depressed that I wanted to die…But Cloud Dancing saved me from that. And I’m gonna save you.”
“But how Sully? How will I ever feel happy again?”
“Just listen. Cloud Dancing told me this when he found me. The Cheyenne believe that we are all born with a box of matches inside. But we can not light them ourselves. We need oxygen and a candle. They say that the oxygen has to come from a lover’s breath. But the candle… the candle can be anything…A melody…a word…a sound…a caress. Anything that pulls that trigger and sets off one of the matches. Everyone has to discover what will pull his trigger to enable him to live… because it’s the explosive flare of the match that feeds our souls. If there’s nothing to trigger the explosion… our box of matches becomes damp and then we’ll never be able to light any of them.”
“Michaela sat quietly, trying to absorb the words her husband had spoken. “Ya see Michaela, “he said. “You’re match box is damp…but there are many ways to dry a damp match box…We just gotta dry you out and find your candle again.”
“Oh Sully…You are my oxygen…I cannot live without you…and you are my candle as well…I don’t need anything else.” Being in Sully’s arms, Michaela realized that everything would be ok. As long as she had him, her life was complete.
Sully held her close and she played with the hair on his chest. “I know…and you are mine…you just had to realize it yourself.” While lying together, they talked for hours about heir love. Both knew that nothing could break them apart. They talked about every part of their relationship, starting with when they first met. “In Loren’s store.” Michaela smiled. “I almost fainted when you threw your tomahawk.”
“That don’t really count as meetin.” Sully joked. “That wasn’t until I offered you the homestead.
“Oh and that counts as meeting?” Michaela accused. “I had to have Charlotte tell me your name.”
“Ok then, when did we meet?” Sully wondered.
“I..I don’t know.” Michaela laughed. “Does it matter?”
“Nope…” Sully agreed. He wanted to continue their discussion. Michaela was coming back to him. “How about our first kiss?”
“My birthday…the best gift I got.”
“As I remember…that wasn’t our first kiss.” Sully said.
“Oh it wasn’t? Was there some kiss I missed?”
“Yep.” Sully grinned. “When you were sick with the influenza.”
“You kissed me?”
“Only on the forehead.”
“But we…”
“I know…But I loved ya already.”
“Oh Sully…”
“Just took me awhile longer to admit it.” He added, recalling the trip to Boston.
“I was so foolish. I let Boston win my heart when it was already here in Colorado.”
“But you name back.”
“I’ll always remember the words we spoke on that train.”
“Hmm I may need help remembering.” Sully teased.
Michaela sat up and looked into his eyes. “What are you doing?” she asked, but this time, her words were of love.
“That’s obvious.” Sully responded.
“You’re just leaving?” Michaela continued.
“Nothing to stay for.”
“Without even saying goodbye?”
“Goodbye.”
“I thought you said you forgot.” Michaela teased.
“I may need a little more help.” Sully responded.
Michaela went on. “Why did you even come here?”
“I told ya.”
“What’s the real reason?”
“What do you care?”
“I care!” Michaela couldn’t help but laughing.
“You’re not supposed to laugh.” Sully remained.
“I can’t help it.” “
We can stop.” Sully suggested.
“No go on…it’s your turn.” Sully began again. “Well it sure didn’t look like it back there at that meetin.”
“I asked you a question.” Michaela said, this time with no laugh.
“Why did I come?”
“Yes why?”
“Because…”
“Because?” Michaela smiled and bite her bottom lip in anticipation of the following line
“Because I love you!” But this time, there was no train lurch. Instead, Michaela flung herself at Sully, placing her hands just as they had landed so many years ago. “I love you too.” She said, placing her lips to his.
The memories continued to fill the evening. They talked about their courting and the wedding. Michaela began to weep when they recalled Katie’s birth. But her tears were no longer tears of doubt. They were joyful tears, tears of love. A love greater than any force on Earth. “I remember telling you I was pregnant…Thanksgiving was going to be special this year.” She said.
Sully noticed a tear about to fall from her eye. “It still can be.”
“How? Why?”
“We should be thankful for what we do have…remember…” Sully then quoted the words of that blessed Thanksgiving. “Even if we don’t have our own baby…You’re still the luckiest woman in the world.”
Michaela smiled. “But we did have our baby…You’re right…we should think about what we have…not what we’ve lost.”
“We can still make it home.” Sully thought.
“There’s no place I’d rather be.”

Chapter 11
It took some doing, but Sully managed to get tickets for the first train the next morning. For days they traveled with no private car. Finally on the last night, they were given a sleeper car. Michaela quickly settled under the blankets. She was exhausted from the medication and from everything that had happened as of late. Sully joined her shortly. “Remember our first train ride as man and wife?” he asked.
“How could I forget?” Michaela wondered rubbing her hand across his chest. “I wouldn’t mind you helping me remember better though…Things are a little fuzzy.”
“You forgettin our wedding night Mrs. Sully?”
“Mm…maybe a little.”
“Tell me what you remember.” Sully said, taking her hand.
“It’s getting darker…” Michaela replied in a sensuous voice.
“That all?”
“Yes.” Michaela lied.
“Well then I will have to help you remember.”
Sully slowly brought her body up from the bed and began undressing her. He did everything as he had that day…the day they finally came together as man and wife. When they were undressed, they took their places on the bed. With the rhythm of the train beneath them, they were joined once again. Sully released himself from her and lay back on the bed. Michaela let out a small sigh as he pulled her close to him “Remember now?” he asked softly.
“Yes…Thank you Sully…for loving me…”
“The only thing I ever wanna do.”
They arrived in Colorado Springs Thanksgiving morning. Sully felt Michaela tense as they stepped off the train. But he had her hand in his, and was not about to let go. He squeezed it and together, they departed the train car.
No one was there to greet them. Michaela had wanted it that way. She was ashamed of her behavior and would rather everyone believe she had gone to visit a friend. On their way through town, they Saw Grace sitting by her stove, five other women awaiting her instruction. Robert E was close by, keeping watch over the situation. “We’d better get home and start cooking as well.” Michaela said.
“The kids will be waiting.” Sully knew. He had sent Brian a telegram telling him they were on there way home.
When Michaela and Sully arrived at the homestead, they were greeted immediately by Katie, running across the yard to the corral. “Mama, Poppy! She cried.
Soon, Matthew and Brian came rushing after her. “Katie!” they called. Then, seeing Michaela and Sully, they stopped.
The child reached her parents and Sully lifter her in tis arms and awung her around. “Katie girl! I missed you.”
Michaela took the child and held her close. “I love you so much Katie.” She whispered in the child’s ear. “Never forget that sweetheart.”
Seeing it was safe, Matthew and Brain approached. “Matthew.” Michaela smiled. “When did you get back?”
“A few days ago.” Matthew told them. “Glad to see you’re doing better ma.”
“Thank you Matthew. I needed my family is all.” Sully wrapped his arm around her, and Brian did the same on the other side. Matthew took his pace beside Brian.
“Dorothy, Loren, and Dr. Mason said they’d be here alter this after noon.” Brian informed as the family walked to the house., linked with love..
“What about Geoffrey?” Sully asked.
“He’s already here” Brian said. “Has been since ya left.
Sully entered the house first, and went to his brother. “Thanks for watchin over things.” He said.
“Geoffrey stood and the siblings shared a hug. “That’s what family is for.” Geoffrey responded. “It was no trouble.”
“I better start cooking.” Michaela said.
“No Ma, we already did.” Brian said. “Well we didn’t…”
With Brian’s wink towards the staircase, everyone turned to look. Coming down the stair were Colleen and Andrew. Michaela’s face lit up. “Colleen!” She ran to her daughter and gave her a hug. “I’m so glad you made it!”
“Brian wrote me…about the baby…I’m so sorry ma.” Colleen spoke.
“It’s alright now…I’m doing well.”
“I wish I would have been here.” The young woman said.
“You’re here now…I thought you weren’t going to make it.”
“I took my exams early…I’m here until the next semester begins in January…I couldn’t miss Thanksgiving now could I?”
“Oh Colleen!” Michaela exclaimed, once again hugging her daughter. “You don’t know what this means to me.”
“I know.” Colleen assured. “You needed your family…now here we are.”
The afternoon carried on with joyous conversation. Dorothy had brought Loren over early so that she could help with the food. While the women worked in the kitchen, the men played checkers and tried to entertain Katie. When the food was ready, everyone took their seats at the table.
Michaela began the meal with a prayer.

“Count your blessings instead of your crosses;
Count your gains instead of your losses.
Count your joys instead of your woes;
Count your friends instead of your foes.
Count your smiles instead of your tears;
Count your courage instead of your fears.
Count your full years instead of your lean;
Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.
Count your health instead of your wealth;
Count on God instead of yourself.
God in heaven, we thank you for all you have given us. Especially this year, we thank you for our families. They sustain us through the bad times and make the good times that much better. We offer this meal to you in praise and thanksgiving.
Amen”

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