One beautiful summer morning, three friends decided to go on a fishing trip together. They rented a small boat and enjoyed the breeze as the boat floated gently through the sea. All at once, the sky grew dark and the trio realized that a violent tempest was brewing. They hastily pulled in their fishing lines and headed for shore. But to their chagrin, the storm broke out before they were able to get back. They held on for dear life as waves crashed against their little boat and showered them with torrents of water. A monstrous wave swept through the boat and all went black. After a few moments, two of the men heard a scream of terror. The third man had been swept overboard. They paddled with all their might against the current and after a few minutes were able to catch up with him as he struggled violently to stay afloat. One of the men leaned over the boat and called out to his friend, "Quick, give me your hand!" To his utter dismay the man in the water stared at him with bewilderment. As he began to drift away, the man on the boat called out to him again, "Here, just give me your hand and we’ll pull you in." But the man continued to stare at him like he was from another planet. With one last surge of his hand he cried out in a state of panic, "Give me your hand or we are going to lose you!" But the man continued to stare with a glazed look as he drifted into the oblivion of the sea.
    Sadly the two men returned to shore and broke the news to their friend’s wife. She screamed in anguish, "How did it happen?" When they told her how they called out to him and told him to give them his hand, she cried "Don’t you understand? My husband has never given anybody anything in his life."
    Yaakov Avinu was forced to flee the wrath of Eisav and he sought protection in the home of his deceptive uncle, Lavan. Yaakov was overwhelmed by the purity of Rachel and asked Lavan if he could marry her. Lavan agreed on condition that Yaakov worked for him for seven years. Yaakov agreed and worked faithfully for Lavan in the worst conditions for seven years. The pasuk says a most perplexing statement, (29:20) "Vya’avod Yaakov b’Rochel sheva shonim vayih’yu b’aynov k’yamim achadim b’ahavaso osah- Yaakov worked for seven years for Rachel and they seemed to him as a few days because of his love for her." Normally when a person anticipates something unique and special, he can hardly contain his excitement. The days seem to pass extremely slowly and the minutes drag on unnervingly. This is certainly true about a Chosson and Kallah who eagerly await their wedding. If so how can the pasuk say that the seven years passed quickly because of Yaakov’s vast love for Rachel, if anything it should have dragged on for a seeming eternity?
    Rabbi Elya Lopian zt’l explains that our definition of love is distorted and therefore it is very difficult for us to relate to the love Yaakov felt for Rochel. He continues by telling a parable about a man who walked into a restaurant and sat down at a table. A waiter walked over to him and asked him what he would like to eat. The man looked up at the waiter and smiled, "You know, I love fish." The waiter nodded knowingly and disappeared into the kitchen only to return with a beautiful fish on a plate. The waiter watched as the man skewered the fish and devoured it hungrily. When the man finished the waiter said, "My friend, is this how you treat something you love? You take it and cut it into little bits and roast it on a fire and douse it in sauce?"
    The point is that we don’t actually love foods but we do love ourselves. When we are devouring those foods, our taste buds are enriched with a sensation that we enjoy. Therefore we say we love the food, but truthfully it is our own selves that we love. The same holds true when one claims to love a car. Can one honestly feel a genuine love to a compilation of metal and plastic? He may think he does, but in reality he really loves himself and he feels "cool" or special when he is seen driving in that car.
    True love is completely unadulterated. Such a love is selfless and completely for the inner being and essence of the component or person being loved. When one performs a mitzvah due to love of G-d, he does not love the actual object of the mitzvah but what it represents. When one shakes a lulav and esrog he doesn’t actually love the esrog he is holding per se, but he loves the essence of G-d that is completely good and loving and whom he is serving with the performance of this mitzvah. Rav Elya utilizes this idea to explain that the love Yaakov possessed for Rochel was absolutely spiritual. When he first met her at the well, he kissed her because he recognized an incredible aura of greatness that shone from her face. The pasuk says Yaakov cried after he kissed her and Rashi explains that Yaakov was afraid that people would misunderstand his kissing a complete stranger and think it was not based on completely pure motives. NOBODY can boast an understanding of such a lofty level and therefore we can never think we can act as Yaakov did here. The seven-year period of Yaakov’s waiting for Rochel was a completely spiritual experience and the preparation and waiting for an untainted spiritual love does not cause anxiety and impatience. Rav Elya compares Yaakov’s love to one who is forced to manufacture his own tefillin. Although he anxiously awaits its completion when he can perform the mitzvah, every moment that he is working to create the tefillin is also dear to him and he enjoys the entire experience.
    Truth be told, when I read Rav Elya’s words I did not really understand what he was saying. In fact even after I asked my Rebbi for assistance I still had a hard time grappling with the aforementioned idea. My Rebbi explained that the idea is so foreign to us that we can hardly relate to it and therefore it’s difficult for us to relate to the notion of a completely spiritual love, but Yaakov on his awesome spiritual level attained it. I quote whose words here to bring out the fundamental point that he commences with: One must be wary of the difference between true love and what is merely labeled love.
    Rabbi Akiva Tatz in his work, "The thinking teenager’s guide to life" develops this idea beautifully: "Romance is certainly one of the major elements in the culture that surrounds us. Much, if not most, of its literature and entertainment revolves around this experience. What is it exactly? "The heady swirl of emotion experienced at the beginning of a relationship is the hallmark of romance. There is no Hebrew word for this idea: Hebrew certainly has a word for love, ahava, which at its core denotes giving. "What is the difference between love and romance? Love is the result of genuine giving (not of taking, as is the mistaken belief in modern society). Real giving, giving of the self, generates love, and that love is real. You love where you give, not where you take. When you give, and particularly when you give yourself, you love. When you give yourself to someone intensely, totally, you will love that person. Parents always love their children more than children love their parents; the reason is that parents give to their children, they give life itself, and that is how their love comes to be. That is the direction of the giving, and that is the direction of love. "This is one of the most important things to understand, particularly in an age of self-gratification where love is confused with the good feeling of receiving. When you receive from someone and that makes you feel good, you do not necessarily love that person; on the contrary, if you think about it you will see that what you really love in those situations is yourself! You love what the person does for you, you love the good feeling, in fact, you love yourself! No; real love is where you give, not where you receive. "But romance has nothing to do with giving. It is the experience of newness, the quick infatuation which is generated by superficial appearance, and it is illusory. It lasts only long enough to convince you that it will last forever; in fact that is exactly when it collapses! Of course it has a purpose, and that purpose is to inspire, to begin a relationship with energy and hope. In that sense it is a gift; but relative to genuine love it has no name. "Modern society confuses love with romance. Romance is advertised and sold as love, and of course, when romance dies, as it must, there is nothing left but pain and disillusionment. No one has taught this generation that real relationships are built by the very hard work of giving, and therefore when the taking begins to wear thin, the relationship dies. "Romance comes at the beginning of a relationship, love comes later. And the height of the romantic notion is, "Love at first sight", the clearest contradiction imaginable. Love is not possible at first sight; there has not yet been any giving. First sight only reveals the superficial, and only a superficial illusion of love can result."
    The love Yaakov possessed for Rochel was pure. His motives were holy and there was not even a hint to physical gratification. Though we can hardly fathom such greatness (never mind trying to imitate it), we can understand the meaning of real love that is rooted in giving and genuine caring. President Kennedy had the right idea in mind when he stated, "Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country." All relationships must be built on that premise: Ask not what is in the relationship for you to gain, but rather ask what you can devote to the relationship and that will ensure its success.