Revolutions (Caesar)
Helplessness. Numbness. Darkness. That's basically all I experience most of the time now. I don't even know what day it is right now. And I don't really care. They're all the same anyway. I would say this is torture, but at least people who are actually being tortured experience some sensation. It's my fault though, my fault for being stupid. My fault for thinking I could actually change something. My life has been one giant circle of failures, each one coming back around to bite me in the ass. Why did I even bother leaving my family? Why did I come to this place? To wind up like this? Unable to do anything for myself, let alone anyone else? Why do I care about anyone else? Why do I feel like I always need to fix all the wrongs in the world? I could question all day and not come up with any answer.
Look at what I've accomplished here. Everyone who's life I've gotten involved in is worse for wear. Everyone I've cared about is only hurting. I ruined Morgan's relationship with Dylan. I thought she deserved better but sometimes…I don't think she feels that way. I wonder if she'd be happier with him. Brogan is…I don't know what's going on with her but she's sick. I'm afraid something is going to happen to her. And Alicorne, well, she may be trying to hide it sometimes but I know the simple fact that Scythe is out there is driving her up the wall. I care about all three and can't do anything to help them. Then there's Gavin, Gervaise, Kylie, even my brother…all would be so much better off if Scythe wasn't here, and he's here because of me. Because I was stupid and insisted on coming here. But ironically, I probably wouldn't be here if it weren't for him, either.
When I stop to think about it, it's rather odd. It's almost as if Scythe and I were cast in these two roles, and doomed to play the same few scenes out over and over again. Me as the hero who never succeeds, and he as the villain who never dies. That's why it never ends. But…can the villain exist without the hero? Maybe that's what I've been failing to realize. My brother was right. It's time to stop playing these roles. It's time to find out who I really am, and stop acting. It's time to wake up, Nicholas. For the both of us.
Back
