Neon'z Cracking Realm
8.10.2k3 On th 8th of this month Ken sent me email and request me t be his friend on fiendster. At times I just keep looking at it. Realizing..Wow?? He's trying oprove a point to me. His life is better knowing that I'm not around him any more. And then yesterday approximately 11.23 Pm estern which would mean in kali it would be 9.23pm western time. He had Aol instant message me. It took me a while to get over him. NOt to think about him. THen he comes and do this to me!!! WHY??? WHY??? The feelings I had towards him when I saw his AIM box. WAS shocked.....then all the pain just started comng back. I didn't even know how to react. At times I think he just wants to shove it in my face that he's with someone else and thats the only reason why..he would contact me. So that I can see how happy he is. I don't want to see all of that. I don't know if could handle seeing that. He is my first love and will always be. The feelings will always be there. Even though I got treated Sh*tty at the end. But then it gave me reason to rethink why? He took me off his friendster because I had a new boyfriend. Yes, the legacy of Neon. I can never be single. Someone is always going to ask me out in the end. Just that they know they can't when I'm ina relationship i stay tru to the one I'm with. Gosh..Y...Y...I even asked why he would Instant message me. He took it as bluntly rude why and exit me. What does that boy want me to feel? Tortured...I can't keep drawing back to those emotions. I never asked him for much..only to love and showed that he cared for me. But I guess thats a lot to give me when he stopped having those feelings. I've been going out a lot lately. My life just seems more excitinng. Its kinda kewl. Home....everything is a disaster.Lets not talk about why.. U can always love someone but you can't b N Love with them..sad huh? I'm learning to love my new man lil by lil each day. Tru he really does treaat me better..he really does..
8.2.2k3 I think its kinda funny how everyone I know now a days have has a kid. It's like I'm the only one that doesn't have one yet. Cuz I'm blinded by love. I was searching around aa n ran to old peeps i used to hang out with pages. Its kinda weird how I don't talk to them anymore and how much they change. Wow, I guess being with my man had its benefits. I ain't pregnant. I was just reading peoples pages about love. All girls get hurt, I just finish talking to David. He was telling me how he was blind.How he could never see how his grl was treating him. I keep thinking about mine. Cuz I'll always be there for him and I want him to know that. I will always love him, it drives me crazy at times when I can't talk to him. I just want to talk to him. I'm getting to clingy and I'm scared I'm scaring him away. I don't know. I'm going to keep trying. Love is endless even when it hurts, u love the person who they are and what they become.No matter wats a stake. And I love him no matter what. Even when he does the evil hex things. I could just always leave him and find someone else thats better. But I couldn't imagine my life without him. It just hurts cuz once I came back to Va all these dudes kept hitting on me and ish. I changed my passwerd to a lot of things. I dont know why..at one point all I wanted to do was hurt him and make him suffer the pain I went through. But I didnt have the heart to. I just Love him...loving him no matter what he's become. And I'm going to do my own thang and let him do his own thang.that just how life is.
8.1.2k3 I haven't wrote in this diary or a while. I've been away in daygo for quite a bit now. Omg. I just keep thinking about the horrible time i had there. Ken changed so much it just hurts. It just seems like he doesn't feel the same way for me like he used it. Its kind of funny how when I was there he never went anywhere. Well let me take that back..He did...I thought that we would be so happy seeing each other again. Most of the time he was being secretive around me. I keep spilling myself all over him ya know. If i was happy when i was over there maybe i might of been my perky lil self there. I just felt so out of place. I really don't belong there. I can see how much his family and friends mean to him. I think at a different level. Maybe allt he things I ever wanted was just to be with him but I can't. It just seems like there's no need for a relationship between us. I just wanted to take care of him. AT times I can't believe I still even try. Maybe I should just let it go. Our phone converstaion now a dys arent even a Convo more like a Hi and Bye. He talks to his friends more then he talks to me. I guess cuz i'm such a big B*tch..I don't blame him. He wan'ts to be cool and be able to smoke and drink and do all the party things cuz he's still young and want to do all of the screwy things in life. But me, I have taken responsibility cuz i was forced into it since the day I was born. I rememba how i could always run to him and talk to him about my problems but now i can't. Cuz he has oompany over or he's on the phone with Sharon or Downing from Korea. I Just keep thinking 20th months. I waited for him 363 dayz. I'm dumb..I just feel stupid, I wish that things are the way they are. I can't even feel or see his emotions any more. He used to cry and express his feelings to me. Now theres this big wall that he put up btw me and him. Some how I feel that I can never break it down. I feel like its best jus to let him go. I wouldn't mind waiting for him at all. Cuz he'll be the only person I'll ever love tis much. At time when I call him dorky I was just playing around. I should of got punch or that one huh? EAst coast jokes are taken offensively in the West Side. I keep thinking what my cousin was saying. She came over *I hate asian people* werd. I need to go hang with my white crowd. gosh myfriends are soooooo wonderful! I mean this pain is killing me inside sooo bad. Ken is SOO MEAN and RUDE to me now. I still rememba how he used to tell me that i was his world. He promise to never hurt me he promise that we will get married. I still rememba that. BuT u know what??? He swore he never broke a promise in his life. But with me he has broken all the promises he made with me. Life is a B8tcH
7.17.2k3 I finally decided to update this page for once. Its been taking me ages and having the sign under construction. I already have the format left for the shoutoutz. But still thinking about what kind of bg to make for the shoutoutz. I wanted it to be something different. With everyones pix to a side. Ish and have everyones names running in the 3rd column. Ish I'm so crafty with these pages but just lazy. all the picuters are uploaded and I need to put the story about me and ken on the page to and thats it..Be done with the page then. But I like the beginning of the main page. It's tight. Shows people how much i care. hehehe k payce. I'm boutz to be in kali..ish hopefully on SAT. AitEZ payCE~!
5.29.2k3 Ish ya know its one moe month til my kenny poo is back.Sigh figures its been a long time since we last seen each other. He's so accident prone. Now I hear that some car bump him and he got a brace on his knee now.Jess is kewl on sunday was the worst day ever for my manager Keisha.It was suppose to be her bday weekend but peeps didnt show up.I wanted to take her out but we ended up at VIP at 12 and the admission was $20. We were short so we ended up driving her home.WEll i did since it was just me and her. But i guess we have to do this some other time.Ish I feel really really bad for her but at least me and Jess got 2 presents for her.I know she's happy. heheheheh..wells today i work so ish i wonder who i closed with today.We caught that stupid bish ashley stealing my sale. On monday omg i was soooo red in the face..I wanted to hit her! I hate the idea of competition for hours by SPH. Cuz people steal your sales! ish..i hope things don't go that way in kali. Muah..i miss my babe it's getting near to our 2 year anniversary
4.1.2k3 I was talking to Ken the other day and I found out that he had about $2000 worth of things stolen from him when he return home back from the field. It just shocked me. I can't believe that something like that would happen in the army. Wow...is it really that dangerous. Ish well ne hoots he's about to return back home and I got my phone back online. Ish I can't wait to get out of this stupid skewl. Only 2 credits i need and those are the classes i care most about. BUt i totally bomb this third quarter because I started not caring at all. Now I need to get up and moving during the 4th quarter. Ish aites let me dip.. my Geosystems teach is hella nice and I appreciate for the sincerity of her hard working in puttin her efforts to deal with this class.. I look forward to the things what we will be learning through out the rest of the year 51 days left of skewl. Ish..muah!
3.24.2k3 yadda yadda...freking peeps out now adayz my baby bouts to come bak from the field now..yea!! But ish yesterday I made him cry cuz he couldnt handle the news i past out of joining the coast guard. Sigh...yea we're probably going to get our marriage license but have our big fancy wedding later...ish...together for eternity...ish its final...i'm going..my mom doesnt like the idea of me dying out there. tsk tsk..the country is on call for us to defend our nation..ish i sound like the freaking commercial huh?? hahahhaha
p.s. b4 i forget check it out..my first official picture when i'm 18!! heheh
3.23.2k3 ish my parents gave me another option of what to do with my life. I'm still thinking....If I stay here they will pay for my college and buy me a car but the thing is...I can't be with my baby and live with him. I'm in a dilemma of the things that surrounds me. I want to be with him forever I love him dearly and even much more. It sickens me to think that someday that he might be gone and that'll never be there for him. NOw I'm thinking about joining the military myself. Even though my baby doesnt want that at all. But for my sake and to get away from everything. At least I will be able to travel and not worry about expenses..K its final i'm going to militaryd
3.21.2k3 sigh..we're finally declared war on Iraq..I'm shivering inside thinking about whats going to happen to all my love ones in the military...yes I'm proud to say that almost every dude I know including my baby is in the military and serving. But it scares me to know that some are in Kuwait and going to Kuwait to fight for our country. Hopefully this ends pretty soon but we all know that in the time of warfare nothing ends. Both sides are always getting hurt and I feel that in the process that Washington D.C. and New York are the 2 best targets for the Iraqi's to hit. Its sad to see that we have to inforce ourselve's for SUddam to overcome himself and stop his massive building of his weaponary and his secretcy of hiding things from the UN. I have a big decision to make of my life ahead. To stay here in Va or go to Ca. Sadly I feel the urge of staying here. BUt I want to get away from everything and escape reality at times i feel the urge to wanting to die. But I have someone to live for..Ken.....I can't go now because I cant let go of something here on earth. I don't kow how I"m feeling inside...Ken is my everything and i miss him dearly..its been so long since I've last seen him July 20,2002.was the last time...It's nearly been a year..since we've been apart...He's having dreams..terrible dreams about me...I don't know what to do....I keep thinking in cheery ways about the things that surrounds me..when reality smacks me in the face I really don't want to accep it. Ya know...I dont know what to say or feel at the moment..its intense confusion...wow...ya know..yesterday was a bad day for me..I hate my job..they make me feel like I have this Obligation that I have to work when they need me...when its my day off...IT"S NOT MY OBLIGATION..its a choice if i wanted to or not...I feel that its wrong for them to make me feel that way and I can't wait to leave...I can't believe they did that to me..I don't work at wet seal...I work for Contempo..ya know...When I need for someone to come and fill in for my shift no one can..I don't even have my car tooo....They don't pay me enought to be riding the bus and taxi back and forth..a day's work for me is the whole fair for the taxi cab coming back and forth to work and home!!! Yea right..I'm not gonna work for no $24 in a day! Sheesh..give me double pay and i will
sheeezz..ya know...FEEEL ME!
2.5.2k3 ErrK..frustrated yet a nother day in skewl. Going over and over had free time today and as of rite now..the teach is sitting at the side looking at our comps to see what we're going...but I'm so tired and ish ya know. Its sad about the things that goes on about life. I need a raise. Complaining to my district manager how i'm the best. Can you belive that everybody gets paid more then me! oMG! at times i wonder is it really worth it..I need to find myself a new job..I want to quit....its a wonder how these girls get paid so much and barely do there work. They stand around and socialize..that ticks me off...i'm sorry..I need a raise. Pay me as much that i'm worth to be paid...I need some LOVE!!!!!
1.22.2k3 Blah! Yea today I showed up in skewl and like my friends BIeinna..had a bloody eyeball..its looked soo bad!!HOrriFIC!! It ends up her sister hit her in the eye with the tennis ball! TENNIS IS A DEADLY GAME!
1.20.2k3 OMg I got soo messed up yesterday..I went out to some party with Si..Amara...Vichy...VK..haha it was soo gay..it wasn't even a party yo..so wrong..i ended up paying for everyting! Yo that aint rite i can't believe that i did that! But it was alright i gueses i kept trying to make it fun..but the funny part was that the dog was humping my leg. The VErsace Model dog was loving my leg! hehehe...tight!
1.17.2k3 Sigh in class right now..Can't believe they made me come into skewl today!! waht the heck!! its snowing outside!!!erkk..blah at least i get paid today!1 its pay day!!!! OMG my teacher made me take a test!!ahh!! I was trying to avoid that junkz!Blah
1.*16*.2k3 AHHHit started snowing when i was working.I got thirsty that night so i stroll up to 7-11 my car got stuck in the snow so i step on the accelerator then i slowed down. OMG...when I turned onto my street the wheels didnt turn !!1 ahhhhh!! I freaked out i hit the curb on the sidewalk and thought i had fucked up the car but i didnt....eekkks! that was sooo scary!! stupid snow! errkk I hit my chest on the steering wheel and it hurts sooo baD!!!
1.15.2k3 Hmmm... Sigh things are getting hectic around the household...family keeps tripping about things..OMg my car..the battery died!! omg it was sooo cold!! things are happening to me I'm CURSED!! ahhhhh!LUcky thing my friend took me back home..sigh....I got issues..locking my key in my car..oh wells ^_~
1.13.2k3 Thanks baby for all the messages. =)
EVWWW look at these ugly chicks!!Who the hell told them they could be imports??? SO sad...hehe I make a better import then they do!! hehe maybe i should apply! *smiles*
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