Invading the Fellowship

Part Ten

 

"Sleepy, sleepy…" Saruman rolled over in his bed, sucking his thumb and clutching his teddy bear. "Ring…"

"Dude, ya hear that?" #3 looked at #6.

"Yeah, dude, that was loud," #7 yawned. "Go back to sleep, guys."

"Yeah, thems Powerpuff Girls come back tomorrow," Larry grumbled.

"Great," #8 said. "We'll get rid of you and hire Vincent Valentine."

"…He's not dead though." #2 blinked.

"So?" #1 snorted. "He's a creepy hot guy. Like us!"

"True…hey, #4…wake up, you're snoring!"

Suddenly, all the wraiths heard noises coming from the next room.

"Merry! Merry!" some orcs were chanting.

"What are you doing up?" #4, awake now, grumbled. "And get away from Saruman's big black ball thingy."

"We're watching this chic and guy fight," an orc replied.

"OOOOOOO! Girls!" one of them said excitedly. "Let's capture some!"

"Sure…" one of the Uruk-Hai blinked. "Who's Merry?"

"That halfling there supervising the fight."

"Oh."

"Back to BED!" they eye of Sauron screamed.

"Damn, right when it was getting interesting," some random orc muttered.

"How can he talk if he's just an eye anyways?" Larry asked.

"Larry?"

"Yes'm?"

"…Shut up."

 

***

 

"Ten carrots on Merry!" Pippin shouted.

"All my highlighters on Katie!" Megan held up her highlighters.

"Any more bets?" Boromir asked.

"Thou shall not gamble!" Aragorn preached, but no one was paying attention, as usual. "Oh, poo."

"Er…why's it hailing snails?" Sami looked at the sky. "Ew."

"…And the river just turned to Jello…" Megan noticed. "That's creepy."

"It's the Apocalypse!" Renee shrieked. Out of nowhere, a bright light flashed. Landing on the ground, a girl dressed in punk clothing and a Ryoga shirt appeared.

"Moshi Moshi!" she grinned. "I'm Li, Katie's sister!"

"What the din are you doing here?" Katie growled at her. "Go home!"

"As supreme protector of Katie and Link's relationship, I gotta fix this before the world blows up!"

"The supreme protector of what?" Megan looked at Sami and Renee, who both shrugged.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Oliver and Ewan were busy laughing their heads off.

"Hahahahahahaha!" Legolas joined in.

"Shut up." Ewan looked at him. "You don't get the joke."

"Oh, you're so mean!" Legolas started crying.

"I can fix this myself. Go away." Katie waved her hand at her sister.

"Oh, fine!" Li stomped her foot, causing an earthquake.

"EEE!" Legolas fell out the window and landed in a bramble patch. "OW!" He ran around screaming and covered in thorns.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Oliver and Ewan started up again.

"This is confusing." Frodo looked at Sami. "Did I miss something?"

"I dunno, I'm lost too…"

"Look!" Megan pointed to the sky. The clouds swirled and a large Gandalf head appeared in the sky.

"Aly, what did you do?" it said, then it and Li disappeared.

"That was…um…interesting." Renee blinked.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" They were still at it.

"Will you two shut up?" Megan bopped them on the head with the Sam-bat.

"Ow…" Oliver rubbed his head, then looked around. "Hey, dude, where's my broom?"

"I dunno." Ewan shrugged. "Hey, dude where's your broom?"

"I dunno. Dude, where's my broom?"

"I d—"

"AHHH!" Sami screamed, tugging at her hair. "STOP IT!"

"Oh, fine." Megan pulled Oliver's broom out of her backpack. "Here's your stupid broom."

"Thanks," Oliver said, grabbing the broom and taking off.

"Dammit," Megan swore. "I knew there was a reason why I had that."

"I want my Oliver back!" Renee sobbed.

"Hey! He's my Oliver, remember?" Megan grabbed the Sam-bat and bonked Renee with it.

Meanwhile, Legolas tied a piece of rope to an arrow and shot it at Oliver's broom. "Pull on this," he told everybody.

"Oww!" exclaimed Oliver as he hit the ground.

"Are you all right?" Megan and Renee asked. Megan beat Renee through, and stuck her tongue out at her while covering Oliver with Harry Potter™ Band-Aids™.

"Here." Sami handed Renee the Sam-Bat™, and she stomped off to some nearby woods, dragging Sam behind her.

"Ya know, that's gonna break eventually," Katie commented.

"That's why I brought extras."

"Oh."

"Argh, where's the popcorn?" Gimli asked.

"Here." Katie pulled a bag out of her backpack. "Oh, damn, that's the last."

Aragorn grabbed the popcorn. "In the name of Gondor, multiply and be plentiful!"

"Unlimited popcorn! Wooo!"

Legolas looked sadly at the popcorn.

"What's the matter?" Sami asked him with a full mouth.

"Popcorn's greasy," he replied. " 'Tis bad for my perfect Elven complexion."

"Ha, ha!" Link taunted him. "I can have popcorn and you can't!"

Legolas glared murderously at Link. "Have this popcorn! And this! And this!" he yelled, hurling handfuls of the popcorn at Link.

"Oh, yeah, popcorn, now that's really gonna hurt!" Renee commented sarcastically, emerging from the woods.

"Hey!" Pippin cried indignantly. "Stop wasting the popcorn!"

"What for? We have loads," Sami pointed out.

Pippin glanced around, seeing the hundreds of bags. "Oh, yeah. Good point."

"And if we run out, we can just make Aragorn make more," Katie added.

"GO LINK!" Megan cheered.

"No way! Kick some ass, Legolas!" Renee shouted.

Link picked up a few kernels that Legolas had tossed. He threw them straight at Legolas's face.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Legolas screamed. "AAHHHHH! Grease! Oil! Salt on my lovely, perfect complexion!!" He dashed to the bathroom, picking up his special Elven cleansing facial wash on the way.

"Yay! Go Link!" Boromir applauded. "Er, I mean…"

"Anyway," Oliver cleared his throat. "Aren't we supposed to be leaving?"

"Awwwwwwwwww," chorused Sami, Renee, Megan, Katie, Merry, Pippin, Frodo, Boromir and Link. "Do we have to?"

Celeborn suddenly appeared. "Yes. Now get out."

Everyone was transported to the riverbank, with five boats and a large pile of stuff next to them.

"OoOoOoOoOoO!!!" the four girls exclaimed. "Presents!!" They dove at the pile.

Aragorn stepped in front of them. He picked up a parcel from the top of the pile and read, "For Katie," off of the tag. He tossed it to here, and she opened it.

"Cool!" she exclaimed. A…a…what is this?" She pulled a long black stick out of the package.

Sami picked the tag up off the ground and flipped it over. "A new Sam-Bat™ made from Elven-wood. And it also doubles as a tracking device. Insert a blood sample at the top and press the red button. You get an instant location of anything you wish.

"SWEET!" Renee exclaimed.

Katie had tackled Link to the ground and was now trying to poke him with a needle. "Come on, it's just a little blood! It won't hurt! Hold still! Stop squirming!!"

Aragorn cleared his throat. "Yeah, this one's for Megan."

He passed her a small box. She opened it, and a big black swirly hole popped out. She looked on the inside cover of the box. "Portable plothole-in-a-box. Nifty-spiff!" She started to reach into it, but Renee grabbed the box and pulled the plothole back into it.

"No more characters," she told Megan sternly. "Or we won't be able to fit in the boats!"

Megan stuck out her lower lip. "Pweez?" she asked with big shining eyes. "I just wanna pull Dra—"

"No."

"Not even if he's wearing leather?"

"Hmmm…I mean, NO!!"

"Fine…"

Aragorn continued to distribute gifts.

"Sort of like a cross between Jesus and Santa Clause now, eh?" Sami whispered to Katie.

"O.o That's weird," Katie said. "Ew. Imagine him in a Santa Clause suit."

"Bleargh."

Aragorn received a sheath for Andúril and a green and silver brooch called Elessar. Boromir was given a golden belt. For Merry and Pippin, Galadriel had sent little silver belts. Legolas got a bow like that of Galadhrim and some arrows.

"Like he needs that," Link muttered. "All he does is flounce around and look 'pretty.' "

"Sam Gamgee." Aragorn gave him a little box with a "G" engraved on it. Inside was…soil.

"Dirt?" snickered Katie. "She gave you a box of dirt?"

"Not just any 'dirt,' Katie-sama," Haldir said. "It is from Lady Galadriel's orchard."

"But still," Megan pointed out, "it is rather amusing. A box of dirt!"

Sam sighed.  "And I really needed a new pitchfork too," he grumbled, glaring at Katie and Megan.

"To Sami," Aragorn announced.

"Woohoo!" she exclaimed. "A Guide to Elvish!" She opened the book. "Amin mela lle…hmmm…Amin mela lle, Ewan!!!"

"Er…'kay," he replied. "What?" he asked, as Aragorn tapped him on the shoulder.

"This is for you," said Aragorn, shoving a box at him. Inside was a typewriter and a bottle of absinthe.

"Huh?" Ewan asked, confused.

"OoOoO!!" Sami tried to reach the absinthe. "I wanna be the Green Fairy!!"

"Ummmmmmmm…no. You're underage, remember?" Megan reminded her.

"Oh. Yeah. Damn."

"For Renee, an Elven camera. It takes moving pictures like wizard film, but putting the name 'Elven' on it just makes it sound better."

"Sweet!" Renee said as Aragorn handed her the camera. She began clicking away. She took pictures of Oliver, the sky, Legolas, Oliver, the river, Oliver, the boats, Ewan, Oliver, the trees, Oliver again…

"HEY!" Megan cried, who had noticed this. "He's MINE!" She snatched Oliver and hugged him tightly. "Go take pictures of…" She let go of Oliver long enough to whisper a suggestion in Renee's ear.

"Ooh! Okay!" she dashed away.

"Okay, Oliver," Megan said, turning back to him. He was gone. "Oliver? Ollie-chan?"

"Wooooooooo!" he called from up above. "Now I see why Potter loved this thing so much!!"

Megan turned and looked questioningly at Sami and Katie.

"He got a Firebolt," Katie explained.

"Great…now I have two brooms I have to keep away from him?"

"Hey, Haldir, this one's yours." The package was rather small. As soon as Haldir opened it, though, something very large emerged.

"A collapsible, remote-control X.tra-Super-Power Sam-Bat 5000™," Katie read from over Haldir's shoulder. "Wow, I never thought Galadriel could be so cool!"

"Gimli, you get three hairs from Galadriel." Aragorn gave him a tiny box.

"…that's what *I* wanted…" Link said, his eyes growing wide and tearful.

"Oh, boy," Renee muttered.

"You get this book, Link."

Link took the book from Aragorn. "101 Legolas jokes. Compiled by Celeborn and Elrond." He opened it to the first page. "How many times does Legolas laugh at a joke?" Link asked.

"I dunno. How many?" Merry said.

"Three—once when you tell it to him, once when you explain it, and once when he finally understands it."

This sent the Fellowship into peals of laughter except for Legolas, and Megan.

"That's my tuba joke!" she said. "Joke-stealers!! Grrrrr…."

"I don’t get it," Legolas said.

"Never mind," Katie told him.

"For Gollum. A fishstick and a brand-new M-16."

"OoOoOoOoO…preciousssssssssss…" he cooed, taking the gun and aiming it at Sam. Sam ran away to hide behind Frodo.

"Lastly, but definitely not least…for the Ringbearer…a crystal phial of light form Eärendil's star. She sends this message: 'May it be a light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out.' "

"Aw, it's just a little container with light," complained Frodo. "How come you guys get all the interesting presents?" He sniffled.

"Oh, suck it up," Sami said, who was still in a rather sour mood because she didn't get to be the Green Fairy.

"Hey, and I have to say, the light is more interesting than Sam's box of dirt," Renee said. "And Aragorn? I need you to multiply my film." She was sitting on the ground surrounded by photos of Oliver, other various Fellowship members, some scenery, and…Legolas's butt.

"Megan's idea!" she exclaimed when Sami asked about it.

"Hey, can you blame me?" Megan asked. "Anyway, here are the boat arrangements. Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, Boat One. In Boat Two are Boromir, Merry, and Pippin. Legolas, Gimli, and Renee are in Boat Three."

"You stuck me with Gimli?" Renee sighed.

"Yeah, sorry, didn't know where else to put you. Katie, Haldir, Gollum, and Link are Boat Four's passengers, and Ewan, Sami, Oliver, and I are riding in Boat Five."

"Aye-aye!" Everyone climbed into their respective boats (Renee though rather reluctantly).

"You do realize that our boat is probably going to sink, right?" Sami commented. "We have no original Fellowship members."

"Yeah, well if we get into trouble, we can always get some lifejackets out of my plothole. Hey!! I wonder if I can pull the Titanic outta here!"

"Don’t even try," Sami warned. "At least not until we get back to Waterhole. If we get there."

"Oh, all right," Megan sulked.

"Come on, let's go!" Katie announced from Boat Four. "To Mordor!"