Invading the Fellowship

Part Twelve

 

***

"If you're happy and you know it…" #4 began to sing loudly as they traipsed through some trees. All of the wraiths were skipping down a path and wearing hardhats with lights in them.

"Clap your hands!" #2, 6, and 7 joined in. Everyone clapped except Vincent.

"Dude." #1 looked at him. "You're like…supposed to clap!"

"Oh…yeah…sorry." Vincent clapped his hands twice. All the lights went out.

"Okay, which idiot set the clapper on four times?" #6 grumbled. "I can't see a darn thing now…ow!" he stumbled into #3.

"I'm scared of the dark!" #2 whimpered.

#8 clapped four more times, and the lights came back on. "Buncha geniuses you all are…" he muttered.

#7 looked around. "Are you sure we're going the right way?"

"Positive," #5 replied. "Come on, we gotta keep going."

"All right…"

***

 

"I'm tired." Legolas took one step into the desert. "I wanna go home!"

"God, Legolas, you complain more than Katie complains about gym class," Renee mumbled.

"I do not complain in gym class!" Katie crossed her arms and pouted.

"I feel ignored." Frodo blinked.

"…Yeah, we have been ignoring him lately, eh?" Merry thought for a minute. "Sorry about that."

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Megan shrieked suddenly. She stuck her arm in her backpack and, after fishing through it a bit, retrieved her Plothole-in-a-Box. She opened it up and started to reach inside.

"NO MORE PEOPLE!" Renee tried to grab the box. Too late.

"Draco Malfoy!" Megan grinned. "I'll just trade in Oliver—"

"NO!" Renee attached herself to Oliver. "You can't take him!"

"You can't have three guys!" Sami pouted. "If you get Oliver, I get Legolas!"

"That's not fair! If she takes Oliver, then I'll only have one!" Megan pointed out.

"What about Frodo?" Katie shoved the Ringbearer at Megan.

"…I still want Oliver!" she whined.

"I want Oliver!" Renee demanded. While this was going on, Draco was busy inquiring the Fellowship.

"And what might you be?" Draco looked down at Merry. "A Dwarf?"

"No." Merry pointed to Gimli. "That's a Dwarf. I'm a hobbit!"

"I see…" Draco moved on down the line. "So you're the Dwarf?"

"Argh," Gimli grunted. "Meat loaf."

"Yeah…you must be Elves," Draco glanced at Link, Legolas, and Haldir. "The last one seems to be wearing something decent, buy why are you two wearing skirts?"

"They're tunics," Legolas huffed.

"You still look like girls."

"Yeah, buy I'll bet you scream like one." Link cracked his knuckles.

"Don't start nothing," Katie said, holding him back.

"I didn't; he did!" Link grumbled.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Legolas laughed.

"And what is that? Another hobbit?" Draco looked at Katie.

"Wha?? I'M NOT A HOBBIT!!" Katie pouted.

"You're right, I'm sorry…I meant Dwarf."

"Grrrr…" Katie growled, but stopped when she saw the look on Draco's face. "What? I didn't do anything yet…"

"Sméagol!" Gollum was pointing his gun at Draco. "Youses be nices!" he warned. He cocked the gun and added, "Or elses!"

"Yeah!" Sam pointed his pitchfork at Draco. "No one picks on her but me!"

"Sam, go away." Katie blinked. Sam pointed the pitchfork at her and she ran behind Haldir.

"You're afraid of a…hobbit?" Draco smirked.

"Be nice to me or I'll tell Snape!"

"…Whatever." Draco walked over to Ewan and Oliver.

"Dude, what does mine say?" Oliver turned around, showing Ewan his tattoo.

"Lisse'! What does mine say?" Ewan turned his back, showing off his.

"Edan! What does mine say?"

"Lisse'! What does mine say?"

"Edan! What does mine say?"

"Lisse'! WHAT DOES MINE SAY?"

"Huh?" Sami, Renee, and Megan quit complaining and turned to watch.

"WHAT DOES MINE SAY?" Oliver was screaming, the two of them trying to beat each other up.

"Enough!" Haldir stood up. "Yours says 'lisse' ' and yours says 'edan.' Okay?"

"Yano we're never gonna get anywhere fighting like this," Frodo told the Fellowship.

"Let's head out," Aragorn said again.

"Which way?" Draco crossed his arms. "You better not get us lost or I'll tell Snape and it'll be fifty points from all of your houses. And we'd better find shade soon. I'm frying in these robes."

"Yeah, um…" Oliver blinked. "Here." He chucked a bag of clothes at Draco. "Go over there…someplace…and change."

"Humph…" Draco marched off.

"YES!!" Renee and Megan chased after him, but Aragorn stopped them.

"HALT!" he commanded.

"Aw, poo."

 

***

 

"We're going through the desert, guys," #3 put on his shades. "Don't forget your sunblock."

"Dude, we'll get like…good tans." #7 grinned.

"…I…have to go." Vincent turned and walked off.

#1 shrugged. "Maybe he burns easily…"

"Aw, damn, not again!" #5 groaned, pointing.

"Hey, y'all!" Larry came back wearing overalls and a plaid shirt. "Thems Powerpuff Girls are outta commission for some time…"

"Why oh WHY did Sauron ever make you a wraith…" #8 sighed and shook his head, following the rest of the Ringwraiths into the desert.

 

***

 

"Oneses, twoses, threeses, fourses…" Gollum counted out loud. He was wearing an Arabian hat thing, and he had his machine gun in his hand. "Marches!"

"-_- I'm really tired." Sami dragged her feet on the ground. "We've been marching for two hours!"

"You get used to it," Megan assured her. "But I guess two hours straight is a bit much."

"Marches!" Gollum called back.

"Oneses, twoses…blar," Sami grumbled. "This is why I'm in pit…what does he think this is, anyways? Desert Storm?"

"^o^ He was in it!" Katie pointed out.

"Why do the hobbits get to ride the brooms?" Renee asked Haldir.

"The desert sand burns their feet."

"^σ^ Roast hobbit!" Katie danced about.

"¬.¬ Katie, it's too hot!" Sami said miserably, collapsing onto the ground.

"Breakses!" Gollum announced.

"Finally," Renee sat down, pulling out her canteen. "Uh-oh…"

"…Did anyone bring any water?" Frodo asked.

"…We thought Gimli did." Merry looked at Gimli, Pippin nodding.

"Argh," Gimli grunted. "I drank it all."

"Oh that's just great!" Renee cried. "We're going to die of dehydration!"

"I have a plothole!" Megan pulled it out. Reaching around inside, all she could find was a gum wrapper, a wad of Boromir's hair, and the 101 Legolas Jokes book.

"Hey!" Link snatched the book away. "I've been looking for that!"

"What is it?" Draco took it and flipped through the pages.

"Crap…gotta recharge the plothole!" Megan hooked it up to the portable battery charger.

"Guys…Frodo's dying again…" Renee pointed to the green-looking hobbit."

"Nooooo!" Gimli cried on Boromir's shoulder.

"I shoulda paid more attention in Potions…" Oliver grumbled.

"But we never learned to make water…" Draco said, pulling out his wand. "Hmmm…"

"What, you know how to make it rain?" Megan raised an eyebrow.

"Make it rain?" Katie blinked.

"Yeah."

"^σ^ Why didn't you say so?" Katie grinned. "Link, get out your Ocarina and play the Song of Storms!"

"NOOOOOOO!" Legolas howled. "SPLIT END!!" he shrieked. He began to cry once again. "THE HEAT IS MURDER! PLAY THE FLUTE OR DIE!" he shouted at Link.

"Okay, okay! Sheesh!" Link played the Song of Storms.

"Yay!" the happy hobbits pranced about in the rain.

"Dude…" Oliver looked at Ewan. "Is it me or do we look even sexier when we're wet?"

"I guess…" Ewan shrugged. They unbuttoned their shirts and stood there looking hot.

"OoOoOoOoO!" Sami, Renee, and Megan all ran over to them.

"Sméagol!" Gollum stood up.

"We shall march in the rain!" Aragorn pronounced, leading the way.

"x.x Yano I gotta play this constantly to keep the rain up," Link pointed out.

"So keep playing!" Renee called back to him. "It's only three hours to the nearest cliff. Then you can rest your chops."

"As part of your training, you shall carry Frodo to learn balance." Haldir said to Renee, putting the hobbit on her back.

"WHAT?!"

"Would you rather carry Sam?"

"No, Haldir-sama…"