Invading the Fellowship

Part Nineteen

 

***

 

“Halt,” Aragorn said. “We shall rest here tonight.”

“Thank you Gondor. My butt hurts so bad!” Legolas collapsed to the ground.

“Just over this hill lies Midgar. We’ll stop there for the night,” Ewan looked at a map.

“O.o Midgar isn’t in Middle Earth. It’s from some Final Fantasy place!” Link screamed, clutching his head.

“Dude, chill,” Oliver sat teasing Dew with his finger. “Haha, you’re too slow!” Dew gave him a nasty look. CLAMP! “Ow!” Oliver ran around screaming, Dew attached to his finger. “Get it off! Get it off!”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Ewan laughed.

“Hold still,” Sami pinched Dew’s jaws, forcing her to let go.

“Asshole!” Dew spat, flying off to Haldir and Orli.

“Evil blue thing,” Oliver mumbled.

“C’mon guys, let’s get going.” Orli slugged Sami’s backpack over his shoulder.

“Link and Katie, outta the woods,” Ewan called.

“Aww,” They grumbled, following the group up the hill.

“Hey, you smell something, Ewan?” Oliver held his nose.

“Yeah, it smells like something rotting. Gimli, did you rip one?” Gimli stopped on the hills, turning around to look at Ewan.

“Believe me, Ewan, if that were me, you’d be dead.” Gimli grunted.

“…Yano, he’s gotta point,” Sami grinned.

“Come, Midgar is right there.” Aragorn floated over the hill.

 

***

 

“Ok, let’s see what you got,” #1 chucked a surfboard at Dennis. Dennis stood there, getting hit with the surfboard.

“Ow!” Dennis rubbed his head. “Why’d ya do that?”

“Oh for the love of Sauron…” #3 rubbed his temples. “You were supposed to catch it!”

“How was I supposed to know? oOo a crab!”  Dennis poked a crab.

“Hey…wait…ULAIRE DORKUS!…HEY MORON!”

“Wuh?” Dennis looked up, the crab in his mouth.

“…I can’t handle this. I’ll be in my room…” #7 grumbled, heading back to the castle.

 

***

 

“This place looks deserted,” Frodo looked around. The only sound heard was the water rushing under the boats and oars.

“I’ll bet it’s crawling with enemies.” Draco whipped out his wand. “Like…Harry!”

“Hi!”

“GAH!” Draco fell out of the boat.

“Dork.” A talking Harry Potter head appeared. “Listen, just go straight on this river, turn left at the dead Pikachu tree, then take Interstate 44 south to Mordor.”

“Okay! Thanks talking Harry Potter head!” Megan waved, the Harry head disappearing.

“Interstate?” Sam blinked.

“¯o¯ I’ve seen them before. Not much to look at.” Draco pulled his boat up next to the shore. When everyone was out, they headed down the rocky plain to find the dead Pikachu tree. All of the sudden, a loud growl filled the air.

“AHHHHHHHH!” Everyone screamed.

“Sorry,” Sam blushed. “Just my stomach…”

“Come to think of it, I’m hungry too,” Frodo looked at Megan, “We have any food babe?”

“Yeah, actually,” Megan reached in her plot hole and pulled out her microwave/tanning bed/cloning machine/foreign accent-adder/Pokémon-transformer/gender-changer/warper and a box of fishsticks.

“oOo fishsticksss…” Gollum attacked the box, stroking it.

 

***

 

“Where are we?” Sami looked around, “There’s junk everywhere!”

“We’re heading into the slums of Midgar,” Katie jumped over a fire. “Hey look! Isn’t that Renee?”

“She’s heading towards Sector 6 in the Don’s wagon…” Link began, but stopped. “That’s bad.”

“Yeah. We’d better hurry to the slums to save Renee,” Legolas darted into the city.

“Whoa, there,” Oliver held him back. “Going into a city like that you’ll need new clothes. Sami, get us some street clothes.”

“Okay.” Sami pulled out clothes from her plot hole and handed them out, everyone running off to change.

 

***

 

“I’m bored,” Pippin crossed his arms.

“You said that 20 times already,” Merry laid on his back in the middle of the cage reading “Hobbit Weekly.”

“…Why are you reading a woman’s magazine?” Pippin blinked.

“I’M BORED!” Merry sat up. “Geez!…hey cool! 20 things to do to an orc!”

“Lemme see!” Pippin looked over Merry’s shoulder.

“The sooner the battle comes, the better,” Ivan sighed, thinking to himself and watching the hobbits bother the ocs.

 

***

 

“Wow…”Legolas looked around. “This place is weird…”

“Heh…we look like bouncers,” Ewan grinned at Oliver.

“I think there’s a club around here,” Oliver suggested.

“¬-¬ Well, there’s also a place called the Honey Bee Inn—“ Link began, but Katie finished.

“Of which you won’t be going to,” Katie glared at him.

“I was joking!”

“Yeah…”

“Hey look!” Gimli pointed. “It’s Gandalf in that bar!” the fellowshipped rushed inside.

“Hum…” Gandalf sat smoking pipeweed with some fat dude.

“Gandalf!” Aragorn walked up to him. “We thought you were dead!”

“Really? That’s just peachy!” Gandalf fell of his chair, unconscious.

“I’ve gotta take a shit. Uhhhhh…” Gimli grunted, waddling over to the bathroom.

“Hey, isn’t this the bar with the guy that never comes out?” Link raised an eyebrow.

“Uhhhhh…I’ve got enough crap to choke a donkey! Whew, I’m getting all emotional about it…” Gimli grunted again.

“C’mon guys, let’s head to the clothed shop before something nasty happens,” Sami dragged everyone out, leaving Gimli back in the bar.

 

***

“Gollum, that’s quite enough. The plot hole can’t be used just to get you more fishsticks,” Megan chastised Gollum.

“Megan?”

“Yes, Frodo?”

“We still haven’t got anything to eat, as Gollum stole all the fishsticks.”

“Oh yeah, “ Megan said. She pulled out her plothole and grabbed two bags of McDonalds.

“Here, dig in,” she said, starting to eat a cheeseburger.

“But, what’s this?” Draco asked.

“Uh…McDonalds,” Megan informed him.

“But I’m not touching that,” he stuck his nose in the air.
            “Fine. Starve.” She said simply.

He looked at her, mouth open. The he looked at Frodo and Sam, who were snarfing down French fries. He reluctantly picked up a chicken sandwich.

“And this is safe?” he asked, looking dubiously at it.

“YES DRAO JUST EAT!” Megan screamed.

“Ugh, fine.” He started eating.

 

***

“Ok, so here’s the plan. We buy dresses and act like we’ve going in for an interview. We’ll maul the Don, save Renee, and get outta here,” Katie explained to Sami.

“I don’t like the sound of this,” Aragorn looked a bit nervous.

“Hey, either we goin', or they goin',” Katie pointed to Link and Legolas.

“They’ll go,” Aragorn secretly smiled to himself.

“WHAT?” Link’s eyes went wide.

“Hehe, I get to wear a dress!” Legolas clasped his hands together.

“¬-¬ Oh for the love of Naryu…” Link mumbled.

“Here,” Katie shoved dresses at them and pointed to the dressing room. Five minutes later, Legolas walked out.

“♥o♥ Oh, I look so PRETTY!” Legolas flounced about in a skimpy dress.

“x.x You look disturbing.” Orli covered his eyes.

“Hey Link! You coming out or what?”
            “NO!”

“Please?”

“NO WAY! I’M NOT DOING THIS!”

“Oh fine.” Sami walked over and ripped off the curtain.

“HAHAHAHAHA!” Oliver and Ewan were rolling on the floor with laughter, nearly in tears.

“x.x I hate this…” Link folded his arms.

“…I’m prettier,” Legolas fluffed his hair.

“Shut up!” Link spat miserably.

“I do like Legolas’s dress more though,” Sami said,

“Katiiiiiiieeeee,” Link cried, “help me!”

“Hey, you said you wanted to go to the Honey Bee Inn,” she smiled.

“Not like this! Please, get me out of here!”

“Nope, you go save Renee, bye-bye!” They kicked Link n’ Legolas out of the shop.

“Damn,” Link mumbled.

“Ohh! Let’s go! This will be fun!” Legolas screamed dragging Link behind him.

 

***

 

“Oh, you so bonita,” The Don said to Renee.

“You said that to the fat 300-pound girl over there too,” she replied miserably.

“That’s okay, you’ll be mine tonight.”

“You do realize that I’m going to kill you tonight?” she asked.

“¿Por qué?”

“Because I hate you, you tried to touch me with your big ugly hands, you don’t speak English, you’re ugly, and you have bought Gondor knows how many other girls and done this to them. Is that enough reasons?” she said in one breath.

“Oh, my little love bird,” he replied. “Now come on, let’s be reasonable.” He put his hand on her leg.

In an instant, she whipped out her sword and placed it to his throat. “Move any further, and you die.”

“…Now let’s lay nice, mi novia.”

“Um…let me see…NO!”

He tried to kiss her, but at that moment, two blonde women walked into the room.

“Hmm…” The Don said when he saw the two blondes. “I’ll save you for later, little love bird.” He smiled at Renee. “I like las rubias better anyway.”

“Then I’m going to occupy myself and sign a song while I wait for you.” She began singing, “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you,” over and over again.

The Don walked up to the blondes. “Ah, my good ladies, how may I help you?” he asked.

“We want to have an interview with you…” one said, then looked over at Renee.

Renee instantly realized who it really was, and started laughing. Link shot her a dirty look.

“What’s so funny?” Don asked.

"Oh, nada, nada." She smiled.

"Well, why don’t you two come in back and we'll see what we can do…" Don ushered Link and Legolas into the back.