Invading the Fellowship

Part Twenty

 

Another Disclaimer: Scene belongs to Monty Python. Not to us. To them. Don't sue. Please.

 

***

 

"Is anything interesting ever going to happen?" Merry asked.

"Whoa!" Pippin exclaimed.

"What?" Ivan and Merry asked, looking over at him.

"I found out how to get the door open to this cage!" he said excitedly.

"Sweet," Ivan said.

"Can we go now? Come on!" Merry tried to get past the door.

"No, we should wait until nightfall!" Ivan said sternly, grabbing him by the arm.

"But—" Merry started.

"Tonight!"

"…Okay," Merry reluctantly agreed.

 

***

 

"Okay, now that we're refreshed, we should be going," Megan said.

"Yeah, let's just take the boats," said Draco.

"Urgh," Sam grumbled.

"What?"

"I don't like the boats!" he replied.

"And we should care…why?" Draco asked.

"Well, I don't know how to swim. Which means I don't like water, which means I don't like boats," Sam explained.

"Okay…well…your opinion doesn't really matter here, so let's just get in the boat and go."

"Mr. Frodo, can I ride with you? I'm scared," Sam huddled near Frodo.

"Dude, I'm with Megan now, leave me alone!"

"Hehehe…come on, Frodo, hon, let's go." Megan smiled sweetly.

"Gotcha," he replied, as they rowed offshore.

 

***

 

"Okay, Dorkus," #3 said to Dennis, "let's see how sexily you can put your sunblock on."

"Uh…okay." Dennis took the bottle and started rubbing it on his nose quickly.

"NO, NO, NO!!" #8 screamed. "Like this!" He took his robe off, squeezed some sunblock in his hands, and started rubbing his chest, smiling at the sun.

"Dude, that's the best one yet!" #1 called over.

#2 picked up the stereo, and "I'm Too Sexy" began to play.

"I'm too sexy for my robe, too sexy for my robe, so sexy it hurts!" #8 sang along loudly.

"Oh. My. God." Dennis gaped, astonished. "Someone help me!"

"Oh, yeah, work it #8!" #5 yelled. "Flex those pipes!"

"You know it!" #8 said.

 

***

 

"Dude, Katie, I forgot what happens next in the book!" Sami said.

"¯o¯ Don't ask me, I haven't read it yet," she replied.

"Shit," Sami mumbled. "Hey, wait! I can pull it out of the plothole!" She whipped out her plothole, pulled a copy of The Two Towers out, and started flipping through it.

"Okay…" she said after a moment. "We should be heading for Fangorn."

"Uh, 'kay, where's that?" Katie asked.

"I dunno…we'll find out sometime." Sami shrugged.

Gandalf, Gimli, Oliver, Orli, Ewan, and Haldir were in the back of the room playing poker again.

"YOU KEEP RIGGING THE DECK!" Orli shouted at Gandalf.

"Are you accusing a wizard of cheating?!" Lightning flashed outside.

"Er…no." Orli backed down. "Good Gandalf…nice Gandalf…"

"Argh, Gandalf the Grey sounds better than Gandalf the White," Gimli grunted for no particular reason.

"Eh, whatever." Gandalf shrugged.

"So, Gandalf, where have you been?" Haldir asked.

Gandalf stared out into space for a bit, thinking of all the things that had happened.

"Well," he began, "I escaped the Balrog, climbed an eternity of stairs to the top of the Moria Mountain, called to my eagle-friend Gwaihir, who took me to Lothlórien, and then went barhopping and ended up here," he finished.

Everyone looked at him.

"What's a Balrog?" Ewan asked.

 

***

 

"Okay, ladies, let's see what you've got. Take off the dress, come one, don’t be shy…" the Don tried to coax Link and Legolas out of their clothes.

"What?!" Link shouted.

"You said you wanted an interview, now come on, buena chica…" The Don was getting rather impatient.

"No way, uh-uh." Link shook his head. He looked pleadingly at Legolas.

"Um…do you want me to do your hair?" Legolas asked. Link rolled his eyes.

"No. Now take your dresses off!" Don yelled.

"No," Link said.

The Don launched himself at Link.

"AH! LEGOLAS! HELP!" Link cried.

Legolas took out his dagger and sliced off the Don's arm.

"Ahh, okay, I'm okay…get back here, lass!" He went after Link again.

"But I just cut your arm off." Legolas looked at him.

"What?"

"Your arm."

"Oh, that? That's nothing! AHH!" He charged toward Link.

Legolas darted past him and cut his leg off.

"Eh, it's just a leg, come on! Get back here, you coward!" he called out.

Legolas cut off the Don's other arm.

"I can still fight!" He hopped over and tried to headbutt Legolas, who successfully cut the Don's other leg off.

"Oh, come on, it's-a but a flesh wound!" he yelled to Legolas and Link.

"C'mon, let's go," Link said.

"Yeah, this guy's psycho."

They motioned Renee over, and the three of them walked to the door.

"Get back here, you yellow-bellied cowards! I'll bite your kneecaps off."

They left the bloody stump behind, closed the door, and walked off.

 

***

 

"Okay, we need a distraction," Ivan said.

"Well…I know!" Merry exclaimed. "Okay, no I don't."

"Hey, what's that?" Pippin pointed to the dust cloud in the distance.

"Oh no! Not them!" Some Orc cried out. "The Riders of Pokémon!"

"Charge!" Ash cried, his sword in the air. The Riders of Pokémon, a bunch of trainers riding on Rapidashes, charged into battle against the orcs.

"Who knew Pokémon trainers could be so vicious?" Merry's eyes went wide as he watched Misty brutally hack at an orc, body parts flying.

"Come on! We've got to go now!" Ivan quickly opened the cage and dashed out, Merry and Pippin close behind.

"Hey! I lost my magazine!" Merry stopped.

"We'll get you a new one later!" Ivan yelled. "Keep going!"

"Oh, all right." Merry followed Pippin and Ivan into the woods.

"Sir! The prisoners of the orcs escaped!" Tracey rode up to Ash.

"Damn. We'll find them later. Ritchie, what are the casualties?"

"90% of the orcs, and 18% of our troops sir!" Ritchie read off.

"All right then." Ash sheathed his sword and motioned the Pokémon Riders. "Move out!"

 

***

 

"I can't stand this…" Draco grumbled, watching Gollum paddle up front in the other boat while Megan and Frodo cuddled in the back of it.

"Grrrrr…" Sam growled, his eyes glowing red.

"Easy, Sam. We'll get our revenge, don’t worry," Draco said slyly.

"Yes, Mr. Draco." Sam began to paddle again.

"I'm starting to think they're plotting something against us." Frodo looked at Megan and took a sip of his martini.

"Now, now. You're getting over-excited, dear."

"Perhaps you are right, my love." Frodo said, and he and Megan laughed like rich people.

"Oh, Gollum, will you please sing us a song in Italian?" Megan clapped her hands twice.

"Sméagol…" Gollum sighed, then in a deep Italian voice began to sing, "The SUN, is a bright red golden cherry…"

"x.x oh GOD…" Draco covered his ears. Megan and Frodo only smiled.

 

***

 

"So, how did it go?" Katie smiled sweetly at Link.

">/ That is the last time I'm wearing a dress, or doing you any more favors for a long time!" Link sat pouting at the bar. Legolas, on the other hand, was still flouncing about in his pink dress.

"Legolas…go change…please," Renee set down her cup of Sake. "You're getting Gandalf all riled up." She pointed to Gandalf who was standing on a table.

"Keep yer clothes on, buddy!" Dew slammed into Gandalf, knocking him off the table.

"Lisse'!" Oliver grinned, and then looked over at the people sitting next to him and Ewan, giving them a "What's up?" headshake. The couple did the same, only the guy wrapped his arm around the girl.

Oliver and Ewan looked at each other and shrugged. Oliver put his arm around Ewan, looking back at the couple. The two people had begun to make out. Oliver and Ewan glanced at each other a bit disgustedly, but started to make out anyway.

"EWAN!" Sami shrieked.

"OLIVER!" Renee cried, equally shocked.

"What?" They looked at Sami and Renee. Sickened, the couple at the other table left.

"Just what do you think you were doing?!" Sami put her hands on her hips.

"Oh, give 'em a break. Can we head up to the plate above us? I gotta go kill somebody." Katie sat spinning on a barstool.

"Well…all right." Aragorn floated out the door.

"Guys, I promised the others I'd meet up with them and Treebeard." Renee stood up.

"Aww…" Sami sighed.

"Be sure to pick up a plothole at the shop. Oh, and make sure it's Cingular Wireless. No long distance or roaming fees," Link quickly added.

"Will do! Later!" Renee waved, heading out the door.

 

***

Dennis sat there with his arms folded. "I'm not putting on sunblock like that," he said stubbornly.

"Dude, come on," said #3. "You can have the bottle of blue sunblock."

Dennis thought for a moment. "Pink."

"Okay, fine." #6 dug out the bottle of pink sunblock and tossed it to Dennis.

"Yay!" he exclaimed, shedding his robes and squirting the pink sunblock all over himself.

"Uh,no." #1 had his hands on his hips, watching Dennis. "Your style is all wrong. Think…seductive."

"O.o…I dunno what that means."

"That's because you're STUPID!" #5 yelled suddenly. "Er…sorry."

"Who're you callin' stupid?" Dennis glared at the Ringwraith.

"Uh, you, duh."

"Oh, okay. Just checking." Dennis went back to work on his sunblock application.

"Now you're getting the hang of it," #8 said approvingly. "We'll make a wraith of you yet."

"At least he'll be better than Larry," #7 muttered.