Invading the Fellowship

Part Twenty-Two

 

"I'm tired!" Legolas started to cry.

"Dude, it's only been five minutes." Ewan was busy riding around on a broom with Oliver.

"Yeah, but it's hot, we have no water, we're once again in a desert, AND MERRY STOLE MY OCARINA SO I CAN'T PLAY THE DAMN SONG TO EVEN GET SOME FRICKIN' WATER!!" Link screeched, falling to the ground.

"Sami, plothole, now!" Katie ordered.

"'Kay." Sami opened her plothole and dumped out two cases of bottled water.

"Yay!" Legolas cheered.

"This is drinking water only," Aragorn preached. "Thou shall not wash thy hair with it."

"'Bout time we got commandment #6." Katie opened a bottle and knelt down next to Link. "Sip it, don't gulp it."

"Argh, I'm hot." Gimli took off his shirt.

"EEEEEEEWWW!!" everyone shrieked.

"Has thee forgotten thy faith? THOU SHALL NOT STRIP!" Aragorn thundered.

"Argh." Gimli put his shirt back on. "I'm dead sexy and yer crap."

"GRASS!" Legolas rolled on the grass. "T.T I never wanna see sand again!!"

"Sure, but that small patch there is poison grass, love," Orli pointed out.

"T.T WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Poor Legolas…" Sami rummaged around her plothole for some ointment.

"Hmm…this will help." Gandalf poured some sort of Elven alcohol on Legolas. Legolas only screamed louder. "Oh. Must have been the wrong stuff. Let's try this…"

"No, no." Sami snatched it away. "Just give him some water and he'll be fine."

"Hey, there's a town up ahead!" Katie looked at the map Oliver was holding. "Let's get some pizza!"

 

***

 

Faramir listened patiently while Frodo talked; Sam and Megan cut in whenever assistance was needed. Finally, after telling the whole story, they rested.

"And why, may I ask, is a lady traveling with you?" Faramir asked Frodo.

"Well, sh—" Frodo began, but Megan cut him off.

"I didn’t want to let poor Frodo be stuck here with these…things, so I kept him company."

"Well, it is rather unusual to ever see a lady travel, except with a large company," he replied.

"Well, get used to it," she muttered.

Meanwhile, Draco sat in the corner. He was hungry and was trying to scrounge some food up. Then Sam plopped down beside him.

"I don't like that lady," he said.

"That's because she doesn't like you. Come to think of it, I don't like you either," Draco told him.

"Oh well. But I want Mr. Frodo back!"

"Well, I want Megan back, but get used to it, pal."

They were interrupted by Gollum. "Aw, how cuteses." He pointed to Megan and Frodo cuddling.

"x.x Uf," Draco mumbled.

 

***

 

"Here, look," Renee pointed at the hobbit prints on the ground.

"Yes, they're still fresh. We must be getting close," Haldir replied.

"FOOOOOOOOOD!" Dew yelled.

Haldir and Renee looked at her.

"A—I'm hungry. B—I wanted to hear the echo. And C—If you don't give me something to eat right NOW, I'll hurt you!" Dew screamed.

"We shall eat when we find the hobbits," Haldir said.

"Aww, come on Haldir," Renee whined, "just a bit?"

"No. Now, let's follow these tracks…" he said.

And they started off again.

 

***

 

"Dude…this is so sweet!" #4 pulled on the reins of his hippogriff.

"I know, man!" #7 replied.

"Hey…where's the new guy?" #1 piped up.

All of the wraiths looked around for Dennis.

"Oh boy…" #6 rolled his eyes. "Come on, let's go back." They turned their hippogriffs around and headed back for Mordor.

 

***

 

"Well…here's the town," Oliver said, holding a map. The minimized Fellowship looked up at a broken sign hanging from one corner. In faded letters it read HOGSMEADE.

"This should be fun," Katie said sarcastically. "This is why you never let a guy read a map!" She yanked it out of Oliver's hands.

"T.T Ow! Papercut!" he griped.

"How did we get to Hogsmeade?!" Sami demanded. "It's not in Middle-Earth! It's not even supposed to be in regular Earth!"

"Hogsmeade is one of those places that belongs to all worlds, but is part of none," Legolas said wisely.

Link blinked. "Er wha?"

Legolas shrugged. "I dunno, but it sounded good."

"Come on, I know where a good nightclub is!" Oliver whispered to Ewan.

"Cool!" Ewan whispered back.

"THOU SHALT NOT OGLE TOPLESS WITCHES!" Aragorn thundered.

"We can't?" Gandalf asked.

"No."

"Damn."

Meanwhile, Katie had snuck off behind the Three Broomsticks.

"Got any clarinet reeds?" she asked.

Harry looked at her disgustedly. "No! I only sell drugs. And stolen Pokémon cards."

"Drugs and Pokémon cards?" Katie blinked in surprise. "Who would want those?"

A stoned Hufflepuff staggered up to them. "Dude, gimme some meth and a holofoil Exeggutor."

"O.o Well, okay…" Katie said.

"Look, if you don't want anything, then go away," Harry told her irritably. "I have actual customers to attend to."

A group of Ravenclaws walked up. "Acid and all the Charizards you've got. Now," the leader demanded of Katie, pulling out a handful of Sickles.

"But I'm not the dealer. He is!" Katie pointed to Harry, but he was gone. "Um…"

"Listen, we were told that we could get our acid and Charizards here any time of the day…you don't got it…we take you instead." The Ravenclaw advanced on Katie.

"Hi-YAH!" she screamed, delivering a swift kick to the worst place for this Ravenclaw.

He fell, whimpering incoherently, to the ground. However, his six companions slowly encircled Katie.

"LIIIIIIIINK! HEEEEEEEELP!" she shrieked.

Link appeared as hero music began to play. He pulled out his bow and shot all of the Ravenclaws.

"OWWWWW! X.X" They ran away crying.

"Link! My hero!!" Katie kissed him.

"^—^ Dah…dar?" Link grinned stupidly.

"Hey you guys, get back in here!" Sami yelled at them. "We're going to go to Honeydukes!"

"oOo! Candy!" Link ran up, dragging Katie behind her. "Hurry!"

"All right, all right!" Katie adjusted her shirt sleeve, which Link had stretched to twice its normal size.

"Let's go!" Link urged.

"Okay, Oliver and Ewan ended up sneaking off to the nightclub anyway, Gimli, Aragorn, and Gandalf followed them, and you guys, Orli, Legolas, and me are going to buy some candy! ^^" Sami informed them. "Oh, and Renee contacted us via plothole," she added. "They haven't found Merry, Pippin, and Ivan yet."

Katie glared. "I want Ivan back NOW!"

"Yeah, we hear ya," Link said. "Now can we go? CANDYcandyCANDYcandyCANDY!!"

"'Kay, yeah, let's go."