Day One: I cannot stand another day with these unholy souls! I shall enlighten them with the sacred “Word of Gondor.” Told Legolas sermon about inner beauty today.

Day Three:
Legolas walked off yesterday. He’s too consumed in his beauty. Have felt that I have failed to save him…Fishsticks are actually quite good though, once you have gotten used to them at least.

Later
Boromir swooning over Elf-woman from the woods. Must go talk to him. Must chastise him and forgive his sins.

Later than that
Boromir quite hard to catch. The Gondor sense of smell must be faltering. Thought I was on the trail of Boromir, but somehow wound up at a stream and found Arwen bathing. I apologized profusely, but she smiled, laughed, and beckoned me over. Ran away. Hope Gondor forgives me.

Day Six:
Have not been able to write, as have been in a field, asking Gondor for the hobbits’ forgiveness. They do not know of their wrongdoings. Nor, obviously of my secret stash of carrots under the hay in the second room. (Gondor does not know about this.)

Later
Please Gondor, forgive Gandalf of his pipeweed.

And Boromir. Adultery is a SIN. Those wood-Elves are the DEVIL.

And Elrond. Being a tranvestite=morally wrong.

Day Seven:
Now must save Samwise, another sinner. After the hobbit Frodo. Although, maybe can see why, as he’s quite attractive…NO! Oh, Gondor, I fall onto my knees and beg your forgiveness! I repent in your name!

Later
DAMMIT! I knew someone was peeking at my journal! Merry and Pippin have fallen into oblivion…AND MY CARROTS ARE GONE! There is only half of one left. Tried a fishstick, but sadly is just not the same. I am sorry, Gondor…

Day Eight:
Spent this morning in the flower garden. Such a beautiful day. Gandalf offered me something this morning. Cannot quite remember what it was, but I feel…cheerful.

Later
My head feels quite strange. Been asking for more forgiveness. Not for me, of course. But for Galadriel. She tried to seduce Frodo. And for Gollum. He is littering on the land the Lord created. Fishstick boxes are everywhere!

Even Later HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL THEM? IT’S PRINCE OF THE PONIES! Not horses, not unicorns, ponies!

Day Nine:
Elrond has nice new haircut, given to him by Arwen. Fairly attractive. I mean…no…urgh. Off to pray for mercy.

Later
Attempted to go to my sacred field, but have trodden on beheaded fishsticks. Must wash feet. I wonder where Gimli is now…?

Day Ten:
Hair becoming unmanageable. However, Princess Arwen has surrendered to me her Necklace of Immortality. Hahahahaha! Perhaps I shall make her my Princess of the Ponies.

Gondor, forgive me for being power-hungry.

Later
Must get through to Gandalf on the moral issues of drug use. This is quite difficult, as since he is always on them, he never remembers what anyone tells him.

Even Later
No! Arwen has succumbed to Gandalf’s evil ways. She has smoked the pipeweed. Lord, she knows not of the iniquity of the wizard.

Day Eleven:
Frodo has convinced Gollum into trading his “precious” for a smiley-face fishstick. Need to have talk with this hobbit. He must realize that Gollum’s precious is the Devil!

Later Elrond’s hair has made a miraculous recovery. Arwen accusing him of raiding her hair extensions. Arwen is high again. Gandalf of course, is always high. FORGIVE THEM, GONDOR!

Day Twelve:
Must pray for Gollum. Used very foul language. Called Gimli something I will not repeat, as not to anger Gondor. Gollum needs forgiveness. He also threw Gimli off of the cliff. Must go in field and pray…

Later
Found strange flower…smelled it…nice…white powder…very weird sensations. Going to ask Gondor about it.

Even Later
Got to field…could not remember what I was going to pray about. So prayed about little Samwise. Couldn’t help but notice he is sitting closer and closer to Frodo each day. Arwen quite pretty. Kept talking to me today, telling me she’d give up something “important” to me. I told her she need not give up her clothes for me…she smiled and leaned on my shoulder. I then distinctly heard snickering, and saw a log move. Wonder…

Day Fifteen:
Been thinking for three days now, and still know nothing of the strange disembodied voice that was near me before. Going to pray for guidance.

Later
Elrond, Gondor made you the way you are for a reason. Taking pleasure in Arwen’s clothing, though, is unethical. Pray, dear Elrond, pray!

Even Later
Must take these wretched wood-Elves away! No more adultery on this island when I’m through! And I’m taking Gandalf’s pipeweed too! Passing it on to poor, innocent hobbits now. Must ask for their redemption.

Day Sixteen:
Gandalf and his profound drugs. He is angering even me. No doubt Gondor is in bad spirits. Please forgive him, he can no longer help himself. Going to give speech about right and wrong to people here.

Later Yet
Frodo keeps disappearing on me. Trying to keep an eye on him to protect him from Samwise, Gandalf, and Galadriel. Think some Devil work is going on here. Must go investigate.

Day Seventeen:
Gondor must indeed be angry. Been raining for two days now. Gollum is fishing and Sam is watching. Oh no! Sam has fallen in! Must help him in the name of Gondor!

Later
Gondor sure works in mysterious ways. Helped me to walk on water to save the wretched sinner Samwise. May be because the puddle wasn’t that deep. No! Must not doubt the ways of Gondor…

Even Later
Praying for poor Frodo. Fellow seems very upset. I kept hearing him say, “Yes, I’ll do that. Take this precious and sh—” Well, the rest is too horrible to record. Praying for absolution.

Day Eighteen:
Gandalf has disappeared now. Frodo went to find him. Must follow. I’m thinking these fools are up to no good.

Later
Yes, yes. Too many sins. Gandalf has recovered his pip and is now wearing Elvish bathing suit. Gondor, shall I crucify myself to these people? Gandalf has now fallen off the cliff. Tried to fly while under the influence of his drugs. Gondor, help these people!

Even Later
Have drowned sorrows in water. Though it’s very strange water. Has a sweet taste to it. Now have funny feeling in head. Sam looking at me funny too…though may just be his regular face…uh oh…has pitchfork behind his back…must run…ouch…running makes head feel funnier…

Day Nineteen:
Ugh…hangover. Finally figured out that water must have been turned to wine. Hmmm…strange new power? May come in handy. Sam’s attempt to kill me was unsuccessful. Have tried to save him, but now will only watch him burn in hell. Gollum calling to everyone…is going to put on fishstick puppet show…oh, Gondor…

Later
Sam now crying because of fishstick show. Told his to shut up or else I would make him wear a crown of fishsticks. Threatened to kill me. Told him I would watch him burn in hell. He said he’d save me a seat. Haha…wait…

Galadriel and Arwen fighting some more. Dumped water on them to baptize them. Then they started chasing me. Oh, for the love of Gondor…

Even Later
Finally got pushy Elf-ladies off my back. Sam burned dinner. Now must forage for food, as Gollum has stolen all of the fishsticks.

Day Twenty:
Have been walking in field all morning, but no food to be seen. Found Gollum by the river. Said something about being needed back at the hut. Went back. Saved Samwise from the Devil’s Puddle again.

Later
They’ve come for me! Gondor’s Messengers! The angels in white. Have had brief discussion with them. Gondor needs me! Must be off.

Have trusty Helmet of Gondor back. Must leave. Goodbye, poor, despondent sinners! I will pray for you!

Day Twenty-One:
Elf voices quite shrill. Arwen yelling she wanted to speak with me. Could hear her all the way from the island. Brought her up here. She began punching me, demanding her necklace back. Ow.