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Arwen’s Account
Day One:
This land is barren and empty. No source of fresh, purified water! Thank goodness I brought my own six-month supply. And my full collection of assorted shampoos, conditioners, mousses, and gels. Also, of course, my extension kit.
Later
*sigh*…this place is so…boring. And so unclean. Off to wash my hair again.
Ha! Legolas asked if he could use my brush. Like I’d let him. There’s no way he’s getting his coarse blond hair stuck in my brush.
Even Later
Legolas thinks he’s the prettiest. Laughed when I heard that. As if.
Aragorn is trying to tell Legolas something about beauty. Must be breaking the news to him that he’s not the prettiest. Aw…I knew he loved me.
Day Two:
Legolas left! Yay! No more superficial, self-centered, fake-haired, prissy, blonde Elves on this island! Said he had a split end. That is why I have my excellence extra-strength repairing conditioner.
Later
Hmm. The door to my room is closed. I wonder what is going on in there. Well, I will have to check later. I have to shampoo and condition again.
Even Later
Aragorn used to be so charming and handsome. Now, though, he needs a desperate hair wash and all he talks about is Gondor this, Gondor that, Gondor will save you. Blah.
Day Three:
Aragorn is out in the field praying again. Galadriel has suddenly become Frodo’s bitch. I can’t believe she is actually fetching him fishsticks. I suppose that means I can go after Celeborn as soon as I get off this wretched plain…
Later
Boromir found the wood-Elves. That’s got him out of this competition. I know what always happens with them. They have fun with their new toys, then not a month later, they’re in the trash. Rather saddening…not.
Even Later
Gimli keeps saying he knew we should have gone through the Mines of Moria. Yeah, right. Whatever. Gandalf flipped him off. It shut Gimli up real fast. Must have been the pointy hat? I’ve witnessed it first hand…
Day Four:
DAMN Legolas! He used my hair supplies! And where in Gondor is my purple pen? I’ll chase his ass down the Undying Lands and back before he gets away…
Later
So, Galadriel is going after all the rings, eh? Chasing my poor father. I’ll kick her ass, too! As long as I don’t break a nail, that is.
Speaking of chasing, there go Merry and Pippin followed by Gimli. Dwarves are bad news. Should have known better than to allow one here.
*Sigh* Why is Aragorn still out in the field?
Later than Later
Have surrendered. Ate a fishstick. Not so bad after all. Just don’t tell anyone I said that.
Day Five:
Aragorn won’t come back! He is just sitting out there chanting and meditating and praying and—gah! The young Frodo Baggins has given Gollum a fishstick with a happy face. What a waste of a perfectly good fishstick.
Later
Merry and Pippin so cannot sing! There are getting annoying with their constant song! Whoever heard of there being pipeweed on the wall, anyway?
Even Later
Gandalf has blown colored smoke rings all over the place. …Wonder if he can make a rainbow…
Boromir keeps going on about his Horn of Gondor. Honestly, it’s not that impressive.
Day Six:
*SHRIEK* My hair is completely knotted with Galadriel's! My beautiful, silky tresses…completely ruined. Whoever is responsible for this is in BIG TROUBLE. Must go find extension kit. Ah! Aragorn is back!
Later
If Merry and Pippin don't leave soon, I think I'll kick them off. Have splitting headache due to repeated loud clanging noises. *sigh* I need some aspirin.
Still Later
Hm. Frodo just came running out of my room! What was he doing in there? Well, I will have to investigate later. Must go find my Prince of the Ponies.
Day Seven:
Merry and Pippin—GONE! Finally. I'll get a decent beauty sleep now. However, Aragorn has disappeared again. He's off moping about something. And Gimli is pining for Merry. Or Pippin. Or both…ew.
Noon
Aragorn still playing hide-and-seek. I hate seeking. Maybe I should go find Boromir and show him what a real Elf is like. Stupid wannabe whores in the woods. *pout*
Later Than Before
What's Galadriel got that I don't? Frodo has her, Gimli wants her—why don't they try to steal me away? I'm not technically with Aragorn, since he has no idea how he should be treating his Elf princess. I swear, if he doesn't get his hide back here soon, I'm just leaving.
Day Eight:
Damn! I get all dressed up and pretty especially for Aragorn, and what does he do? He's high on that cursed pipeweed! Drat that Gandalf!
Later
…I think I've changed my mind. I want a hobbit. Maybe…is Sam available? No, wait. Taken by Frodo. Gimli is sort of hobbit-sized…maybe? No…no, Arwen. I need to talk to Aragorn.
Much Later
I think I made Aragorn mad…we were being all romantic, speaking Elvish, and I said, "You are the Prince of the Unicorn's heir, not the Prince of Unicorns himself." Hey, I was trying to get some on short notice. Anyway, he gets all huffy and grumbles about it being ponies, not unicorns.
Same difference. Honestly.
Day Nine:
*rolls eyes* Daddy is so not using my shampoo. Gondor! And then he had the nerve to ask me for one of my dresses! No way! I took his stupid fake wig and *snip snip snip* Hehehe. Take that, Daddy! I really do need some self-control…*giggle* not.
Later
Now where the din did I put that extension kit?'
Even Later
*growl* DADDY! He is so dead! He took all--ALL--of my extensions! What am I to do? I need my credit card.
Day Ten:
Finally spent time with Aragorn today. Gondor, he is to hot. I told him some BS about my necklace and immortality and such. Guys swallow that up. As if I'd ever get into that serious of a relationship with him.
A Bit Later
Whoa…I feel…different. Cannot remember…what? Hehe! Ooh! Floating credit cards! And pretty birdy! Ooh! Birdy!
Day Twelve:
Er. Still cannot remember. Feel very tired and groggy. I have not washed my hair in a day! And my robes smell of smoke. Curses…this only means one thing…
Later
It was Gandalf! He got me high! And now Aragorn is ignoring me! He did it too! It's not all my fault!
On the bright side, Gimli is now gone. But am not sure of backup plan for Aragorn, now…
Later Than Later
Thinking Aragorn is "under the influence" again. Tried talking to him. Gondor, he can be so incredibly dim. I told him I would give it up to him, and he thought I meant my clothes. Yeah, right. Well, then a log moved, which was weird. *shrug* Must have been a rabbit.
Day Thirteen:
*glare* If Daddy doesn't stop using MY hair extensions, then he is going to PAY very, very dearly. Grrr…
Later
Hmm…he has mysteriously disappeared. I will hunt him down. He will not escape…
Day Fifteen:
Have hired Frodo to spy on Daddy for me. I want to know what he is up to. It's very suspicious…
Later
!!! That insufferable, stupid, half-Elf WANKER! He put a HOLE, a HOLE, dammit! IN MY DRESS! So pissed off! I'm going to open a can of Slim-Fast on his sorry ass!
Even Later
Feel ever so much better. Throwing Daddy off the cliff was such a stress reliever. Now I can move on to everything else I need to do, i.e. manicures, pedicures, perfecting grace and minimizing lip size. Ahh, it's wonderful to be free.
Day Seventeen:
Aragorn! I'm so fed up! Just because he can walk across water to save the fat hobbit, he thinks he's too good for me! Him too good for me? Psh. Right.
Later
Oh, great. Now he's praying for me. Just because I threw my father off. He so deserved it, anyway. When I told Aragorn that, he looked at me, tears in his eyes, and started trying to bless me. Took his ring to make him stop, but then he started crying and told me he'd nark to Gondor if I didn't give it back. Baby. Threw it at him and kicked him in the shins. His fault.*sulk*
Day Eighteen:
Aragorn. Drunk. Another power. Am I ever going to get the pleasure that I so truly deserve from this mere mortal? Thinking of going back to Legolas. We did, after all, date in the First Age. Wasn't the best, but it was better than NOTHING. And he has good taste in jewelry.
Later
Yes! I am so going to win this. Gandalf gone! Flew off in a bathing suit. I think I have a bathing suit like that. Rather old, though, so incredibly last age. Least he could have done is fly off in style.
Even Later
Honestly, how many licks does it take to get to a Ranger? He still won't come on to me! Damn, he's oblivious!
Day Nineteen:
Attemped to make fishstick castle out of sheer boredom. Gollum came up and knocked it all over. Emotional little halfling. It took a long time to make, too.
Later
Ohh! Fishstick puppet show! How neat!
Even Later
Worst. Night. Of. My. Life. Galadriel and I got into it. She so started it, though. Just because I said her ring looked like a cheap Dwarf knock-off. Suspecting she's begun PMS-ing. I swear. Just recommended that she find something of better quality, and she flew off the freaking hook.
Am even more pissed at Aragorn. Got my extensions wet. Oh well, though. Have put Elvish spell on him to make his beard fall out, his roots turn blond, and his thighs grow two inches in diameter. Only used for extreme circumstances, of course.
Day Twenty:
Ah. Best morning of my life. Boromir! That Man can satisfy me in ways Aragorn never knew how.
Later
Gah! Little hobbit walked in on us! We threw Gollum's pottery at him. Gollum showed up out of nowhere and said, "These are ancient artifacts from the First Age! Highly valuable and extremely brittle, and LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" Then he stopped, looked around and hissed, "Wait, I mean…fissssshstickssssss…"
Weird.
Later
ARAGORN! Now I'm REALLY going to kill him! He floated off with some Gondor whores dressed all in white. And it's after Labor Day! *rolls eyes*
Day Twenty-One:
Called Aragorn trying to get my necklace back. There isn't any way I'm breaking up with him without my necklace. He did look kind of sexy, though, dressed up like Gondor's—ow…I mean…wait…no…
Later
Oh my gosh! I just heard! Heavenly Boutique is having an incredible SALE! Forget this! I'm so there. *dashes off*
