Day One:
We have been placed in a small hut on this plain (or whatever you want to call it). There are thirteen of us here: four elves, four hobbits, two humans, one dwarf, one wizard, one Gollum, and enough fishsticks to last an eternity here. I am beginning to find this quite hideous.

Later
OK. After spending three hours with these people, I WANT OUT! Legolas, the stupid prat, has been whining for hours on end about how he didn’t bring his brush. Asked Arwen if he could use hers and she said, ‘Absolutely not, I don’t want long blonde hair in my brush!’ He tried in vain to explain that he doesn’t shed, but she just walked off brushing her hair. I suppose that angered him. Also, Sam is sitting unusually close. Am going to tell him to back off soon, considering he is practically in my lap now.

Even Later
If Gollum says “My precioussssssssss…” one more goddamned time…

Day Two:
Thank you God! Legolas walked right out of the arena. He claimed he had a split end and needed to go home to nourish his hair. Am actually quite delighted to see him go…knew Arwen was going to be good for something.

Later
Walked in on Elrond trying on one of Arwen’s dresses. When he saw me, he tripped and ripped a hole in it. If Arwen finds it, she’ll kill him. Merry and Pippin complaining loudly about being bored and seeing too many fishsticks. You know, they are actually quite tasty.

Even Later
Stupid Gollum, woke me up again. I’m going to take his precious and throw it off the freaking cliff…hey…he might go after it, and then I’d win! Wish Aragorn would stop preaching the “Word of Gondor” to us. Keeps going on about why he should be King. He was destined for it, he’s Isildur’s heir, blah blah blah blah…who cares? Help me, please.

Day Three:
Rather uneventful, though I have made Galadriel my little elf bitch! Haha, she doesn’t seem too happy and keeps complaining that she should be the beautiful dark queen ruling over me. Yeah, yeah. So I made her go get me some fishsticks.

Later
Am suspecting that Gimli isn’t too happy here. He keeps saying, “I told you we should have gone through Moria.” Gandalf gave him the bird and he shut up pretty fast. I guess he didn’t want to see the “wrath” of Gandalf. Or face the pointy hat. Though it would have been funny to see Gimli’s chunky ass flying all over the place.

Even Later
Boromir spotted the wood elves today. His tongue was nearly on the ground. Sam keeps asking me, “More fishsticks, Mr. Frodo?” But I say no. (That is what Galadriel is for.) Sam is becoming a bit too friendly. Also, Gollum has found the source of the fishstick supply. Now he strokes them, cooing, “My precioussssssssss…” the whole damn night.

Day Four:
Woke up to Arwen complaining loudly. Apparently, before Legolas left, he used her hairbrush and special conditioner. Something about a purple pen, too? I wish Legolas were here now, actually. Would have rather liked to see Arwen beat down his immortality. Gimli is also getting frisky. Keeps chasing Merry and Pippin around saying things like, “Let me braid your hair!” or “I’ll show you my vegetable!” Merry and Pippin rather fond of vegetables, and almost stopped them there. But they kept running, luckily. Did not want to witness what Gimli was actually planning. Do not want to witness what may have arisen. Like Gimli naked.

Later
Galadriel started hitting on Elrond. She kept saying he could be her dark king and she would show him a good time if he gave up his “super ring.” Galadriel rather ambitious. Better watch out, Elrond only just goy away. I wonder where Galadriel has gotten to, though. I need more fishsticks.

Later, later, later
Gollum shouting. Sounds like he’s lost his fishstick. Hard to tell, as it is only, “My precious…precious…preciousssssssssssssssss…” I’ll bet Merry and Pippin took it again. How many times will they try before they realize fishsticks just don’t work as well as carrots… Had to push Sam off before going back to sleep.

Day Five:
Aragorn has been sitting in a field for two days now, chanting and praying. Whenever anyone goes up to him, all’s they hear is, “Yes, Lord, I know I should be king. I know I need a razor.” Over and over and over and over and—…Gollum still not over his fishstick. Couldn’t understand why he doesn’t just get another one. Finally decided to help him. Took a Magic Marker and drew a smiley face on a one. (God knows we have enough.) Threw it to him. Who knew he said more than “My precious?” He now is stuck on saying, “Nice Baggins…” and “Good Mr. Frodo.” Sam looks ready to gouge his eyes out with spoons.

Later
Freaking colorful smoke rings everywhere! Gandalf has taken out the pipeweed again. He went up to Elrond and asked if he would like to go visit Narnia with him. When Elrond looked puzzled, Gandalf just cracked up and walked off towards the hut.

Yep…must be the pipeweed.

Much Later
Boromir frolicking with elves again. He keeps asking if they want to see his special battle horn, though I have no idea what that means.

Day Six:
Gollum’s fishstick gone again. Merry and Pippin must be bored. After they tripped Gimli, tangled Arwen’s and Galadriel’s hair together while they were sleeping (Note to self: Stay far away from them until long, long, after they have woken up and discovered this.), stole Gandalf’s pipeweed, smoked it, and started tickling Sam in obscene places, you’d have thought they would have something to do. Now, they have pots on their head and are running into each other to see how loud of a noise they can make. Driving me insane.

Later
Elrond really needs to start locking his door. I walked in on him strutting around in Arwen’s dress and Elvish makeup. Arwen seems to be having Elvish P.M.S. right now, which ordinarily lasts for…three hundred years. Oh boy. I wouldn’t be nancing about in her third-favorite dress if I were Elrond.

Still Later
Aragorn finally came back. I think talking with God made him nuts. He was wearing a flower crown and insisting we refer to him as “Prince of the Ponies…” Yeah.

Day Seven:
Woke up to find Sam rubbing my feet. Was rather bewildered until I heard a scream, then laughing. I walked outside to find that Gandalf was on the ground, laughing so hard he had pissed himself. When I asked about it, he only said, “Merry…*giggle*…Pippin…” and pointed over the edge of the cliff. I guess that’s farewell to them. Looks like Gandalf still has his pipeweed though.

Later
Boromir was sitting in my chair when I got in. I told him to move, but he said to me, “Don’t tell a man what to do.” I said, “Who’s the man here?” He pointed at himself. “Says who?” I asked. He stated, “My friend, has anyone ever explained to you what ‘blowing the Horn of Gondor’ really means?

Later Still
Um…well…erm…I can see why Boromir’s happy.

Eheh…

Day Eight:
Three down. This is becoming gruesome. I am writing this after watching Ara—I mean, *Prince of the Ponies* frolicking in the flowers. Gandalf was sitting next to the garden. When I asked him what was wrong, with Aragorn, he only said, “This is the best pipeweed. Aragorn believes so too.” I asked for some, but he said no, I needed to be a man to do it.

Later
Sick of not being able to do anything since I am not a man. Asked Galadriel to make me a man. She smiled and started unbuttoning my shirt and rubbing my feet. Rather disturbing to tell you the truth. I wanted her to make me a man…when I told her that, she asked, “Well, what the hell do you think I’m doing?” I said, “I…er…um…well…” She stalked off quite angrily. Women…especially Elvish women…

Anon
Angry screams from Gimli. Seems Gollum has left empty fishstick boxes on his bed. Gimli claims “Gollum will pay for that!” Hmmm…sounds interesting.

Day Nine:
Stupid Elrond. He tried to sneak some hair care products out of Arwen’s bag. Well, Arwen—having Elvish P.M.S., still (of course)—told him to leave her the hell alone. When he asked if he could at least borrow a dress, she attacked him with scissors…not sure what happened from there…

Later
Elrond looks incredibly foolish. Not even an orc would date him now. Arwen did a nice job. Don’t think he’ll be trying on her clothes anymore anytime soon.

After before
A trail of Gollum’s fishsticks has been strewn throughout the plain. The this is, they were all beheaded (if you can behead a fishstick). Gollum cried out if misery before he disappeared. I could only hear the sobs of “My preciousssss…my poor, pooooooor preciousssssssss….” Must find out exactly how many preciouses he has.

Day Ten:
Boromir tried to hit on Galadriel again. She went all demon on him and he finally gave it up. I told my bitch to get me more fishsticks, and she had the nerve to go demon on me! In the end, I had her walking away mumbling, “Would you like tartar sauce with that, Mr. Frodo?” Hahaha.

Later
Aragorn back to himself. Or as much as himself as he can be. I swear, that man is dirtier than Gimli. His hair is absolutely horrifying, though Arwen seems to dig it. She gave up that phony necklace of hers after bowing and saying, “I surrender to you, Prince of the Ponies.

Even Later
Gandalf gave some pipeweed to Arwen. So that’s why she likes him. I mean, come on, what’s he got that I don’t? (Besides the pointy hat.) Though pipeweed does have a longer effect on Elves than humans, wizards, or hobbits. (Hell, everything has a longer effect on Elves.) Arwen is going to be extremely Elvishly pissed off when she comes to.

Day Eleven:
I asked Gollum exactly what his precious was. He would only say, “My precioussss…” and finger a little golden ring. Don’t know what the hell that means. So, considering he had no more fishsticks, I decided to take advantage of this. I told Galadriel I needed more fishsticks. When she returned, I drew another Magic Marker smiley face on one and told Gollum I would trade it to him for his precious. He looked rather reluctant, but in the end, he gave it up. He went and moped in a corner saying, “My new precioussss.” Honestly, he needs to widen his vocabulary.

Later
Elrond’s hair is back. Arwen yelled at him, insisting that he got into her hair extension kit. In the end, Gandalf blew some pipeweed smoke into her face and she shut up with her eyes wide looking lovingly at him. Y’know, for a lanky old wizard, he sure can run fast.

Later than later
Sam claims he was looking for the light. I think I should be scared.

Day Twelve:
Woke up to more screaming. When I went out, I say Gollum and Gimli going at it.

Gollum: My precious, preciousssss, pre-pre-precious!
Gimli: Haha, stupid rat thing…stuff…
Gollum: Hairy asshole!

Wow. Where did that come from? Anyways, in the end, Gimli went flying off the cliff. Kind of neat if you ask me.

Later
Aragorn keeps talking to himself. I think he’s planning something. Hopefully does not involve the Word of Gondor again. Please let it not…

Even Later, of course
Well, Gollum’s little “precious” turns out to be quite handy. I spied on Arwen and Aragorn for a while, because the thing makes me freaking invisible! But that was like watching two retards in love, so I followed Boromir for a bit. Those wood elves really aren’t that bad looking. Better than Sam, but…at least you can tell what sex Sam is…erm…I think he’s male, anyways. He’s moved up from my feet and…keeps feeling my legs now.

Day Fifteen:
Gollum stole my journal yesterday. Stupid wench. He said if I gave him another fishstick, he would give it back. Told my bitch to go get him another fishstick. Suspecting she is getting rather fed up with me…

Later
Freaking Elrond! My god! Arwen is going to lay the smack-down if she ever catches him. Walked in on him trying on Elvish-women undergarments. Must…go…wash…eyes…

Even Later
Gandalf says he may give me a taste of pipeweed soon! Yay! Though Sam keeps eyeing him suspiciously. Boromir keeps nancing about with the elves. Gollum is, well, Gollum. I swear I am going to shove his precious up the Horn of Gondor and…yeah. Hehehe. Well, enough of that.

Day Sixteen:
I actually wish Legolas were here. He would at least be a change. With Gandalf getting high everyday, Aragorn bitching and praying, and Galadriel standing up to me….well, eventful. Suspecting Galadriel is starting Elvish P.M.S. soon too…

Later
Haha! Stupid Elrond was finally caught. Arwen walked in on him trying on her dresses. Then she commanded that he take it off. After he did, she found the hole in it and it was almost an Elvish catfight. So, in a nutshell, bye-bye Elrond!

Even Later Still
Slipped on the “precious” again today. Was tickling Galadriel and it was quite amusing. She couldn’t figure out who it was, though she did keep saying, “Oh Boromir, you’re silly!” Suspecting there’s more to this elf than meets the eye…

Day Seventeen:
Rained last night. Now there’s a big puddle in the ground. Right outside the cottage. Arwen and Galadriel won’t come out as they’re afraid they might ruin their dresses. Stupid elves…

Gollum tried fishing in the puddle. This sad attempt cost him 12 prized fishsticks. Sam slipped and fell in puddle. Would have drowned if Aragorn hadn’t “walked across the water”—as he puts it—to save him.

Later, now
Ran out of fishsticks again. Called but Galadriel was nowhere to be found. I might actually have to get up to get my own fishsticks. I searched for an hour before I checked the hut. Walked in on Galadriel and Gandalf doped up on pipeweed. Suspect Galadriel is starting to cheat on me with Gandalf the Gay. Gollum stole pretty blue pen. Am stuck with pencil. Am sad.

Later, Later
Got bored watching Boromir chase elf-girls (at least, I think they are girls) around. Aragorn stopped and started preaching to him. Something about “chastity.” Boromir said he didn’t care and ran away to go chase more elves.

What’s “chastity?”

Day Eighteen:
Galadriel seemed pretty upset. Said Gandalf was going up to the cliff to try and fly. Decided to go find Gandalf considering I was bored. Gollum tagged along, stepping on every twig and leaf imaginable.

Later
Found Gandalf wearing an Elvish bathing suit. And I thought MY feet were hairy. Asked what he was doing. He said he was going to fly. He started flapping his arms like crazy and fell off the cliff. Was actually quite amusing even if there is no more Gandalf or his pipeweed. I never got to try any…

Even Later
Heh. Gandalf forgot some of his pipeweed!! He took five pounds over the cliff with him, though. Oh well—999, 995 left for me! Traded some to Boromir for elf-whore as I was getting quite bored with Galadriel. Well, Galadriel got pissed. Aragorn got drunk on water he had turned into wine and pinched me in the butt! This caused a huge fight with Sam who tried to kill him. Gollum lost another fishstick.

Day Nineteen:
Gollum decided to put on a fishstick puppet show. Decided to watch because of nothing else to do. Sam cried in the end. Said it was a beautiful show. Saw Aragorn and then he threatened to kill him. Aragorn told Sam he would go to hell if he did. Sam said he’d save him a seat…

Later
Got pretty blue pen back! Now watching Elvish cat fight between Galadriel and Arwen. Hair everywhere. Sam tried to break it up and only got clobbered in the process. Aragorn dumped a bunch of water on them and said they were forgiven. Only pissed them off more. Now watching elves chase Aragorn—ow—fell off my recliner…

Even Later
Sam burned dinner. Very hungry. Gollum seems to have disappeared along with his fishstick cult. Evil P.M.S’ing elf ladies quit griping and chasing Aragorn. Wish 300 years was over…

Day Twenty:
Walked in on Arwen, Boromir, and Galadriel. Got pottery chucked at my head. Noticed Sam was trying to go skinny-dipping in the puddle. Nearly drowned again. Stupid. Have to go find Aragorn to save Sam…nah, I’m staying here. Made Gollum do it.

Later
Gollum hasn’t come back. Probably got lost or forgot what he was doing. Aragorn showed up and saved Sam anyway. Weird people in white clothing then appeared. Had a short chat with Aragorn. Aragorn gave a short speech and then floated away on that little cheesy helmet thing with wings he always wears. Eh, so much for him.

Even Later! Sam tried to go in the puddle again. This time was saved by Gollum on fishstick raft. Gollum then tied Sam to a pole and tried to cook him over a fire. Attempt failed…

Day Twenty-Six
Gollum threw my journal in the puddle because I saved Sam from him. Had to wait for it to dry. Boromir was chased off the island (?) thing by angry elf-whores and Galadriel. I think she left me…oh well. Recording what happened.

Five Days Ago:
Arwen hit me and screamed some swears at me in Elven. Then she FINALLY realized that Aragorn was gone. So I told her about the weird people in white and how he floated off. More Elvish curse words. Arwen started screaming at the sky and somehow she just floated off. Better stop with the pipeweed for a while…

Four Days Ago:
Um. Nothing happened.

Three Days Ago:
Sam tried to crawl on top of me. Claimed he was just sleep-walking. Wonder if he can get help for that.

Yesterday:
Gollum tried another fishstick show. Was touching. Sam collapsed into tears, moaning about how he wishes he could have a happy ending. Wanted a comfort hug. Am hiding under the bed right now.

Past Later
Just me, Sam, and Gollum. Realize how quiet it is without bitchy elf ladies and everyone else. Elf-whores still here though. I’m starting the first ever hobbit nightclub.

Day Twenty-Seven:
Business going well. Making lots of money. Gollum opened “Fishstick Casino” next door. I think he may have stolen my idea…

Later
Business went down when Sam started dancing. Elf-ladies ran next-door and work for Gollum now. Suspect he is making more money. Got phone call from I.R.S. They want their money or else they’ll close me down.

Even later
Gave Gollum fishsticks in trade for cash. Paid I.R.S. after Sam attacked them. Sam found some of Arwen’s nail polish. Looks rather queer with sparkly pink nails.

Night Time
Night club shut down. Cold. Hungry. On the streets. Begged Gollum to take us in. He said no. Stupid Gollum, always knew he was useless…

Day Twenty-Eight:
Saw shiny penny of ground just past the plain’s borders. Could buy food with penny…have two days left…must…resist…

Later
Tried telling Sam to get me the penny. Sam says penny is too far away. Stupid penny. No food for two days…not good….need….food…

Midnight
No food all day. Penny very tempting. No must wait…two days…aw, what the heck.

Day Twenty-Nine:
Out of the game, but I have my pretty penny! Yay! Sam woke up and joined Gollum’s casino after he found that I had walked off the cliff. Traitor. So, I took the water jug and chucked it on the plain. Sam slipped and fell off when he came by to talk to me. Haha, Sam out too…wait…

Day Thirty:
Thanks to me, Gollum won. He gets five million dollars and a paid vacation to the Bahamas!!! Can you imagine his crusty self on a beach?? Everybody was now taken to a weird building. Now have Galadriel and Arwen chasing me because I apparently “let Gollum win.” Yeah right. I’m never doing this stuff again. This is all too weird. Just heard Legolas yell, “You know how many hair care products I could buy with five million dollars?!? I could even afford a new outfit!” Stupid elves. Stupid show.