Day One:
Took a wrong turn past Chahadras and ended up here. Knew we should have gone through the Mines of Moria. Rather interesting here though. Plenty of attractive people. Though I think only Legolas looks better than I do. Argh. Little hobbits give me funny feeling inside…

Later
Aragorn trying to be Jesus again. Chanting and praying, praying and chanting, blahdy-blah-blah-blah. He says we should repent all of our wrongdoing. But I've nothing to repent for, I'm perfect!

Even Later
Offered to bathe Legolas (extremely sexy elf there)…even showed him peach soap. He refused, though I could tell rather reluctantly. Muttered something about strawberries. Guess he's allergic to peaches. He wouldn't even let me braid his hair. Those Elves really need braiding lessons, though. Argh! Stupid fishstick boxes!

Day Two:
Legolas gone. He didn't even give me another chance to persuade him into a bath. Going to miss sexy Elf body.

Later
CANNOT FIND MY BLOODY HELMET! OR MY SOAP! ARGH! Wait…I bet it was Merry and Pippin! Sly dogs…must be flirtin' with me…hmmm…have idea how to get it back…

Even Later
Gollum saying, "My precioussssssssss…" over and over! He woke Frodo up. Perhaps I should go keep him company.

Day Three:
Ha! Frodo thought I was Samwise! Went over to him…he said, "Not now Sam, I'm busy. Later." Hmmm…maybe more to Sam and Frodo than people know.

Still think we should have gone through Moria. Said so this morning. Gandalf got all defensive…gave me the finger…I shut up because I think Gandalf is one of those men who likes to be in charge…didn't want to ruin his fantasies about me…

Later
Wandered around this hellhole a bit. Saw Gandalf chasing birds and blowing colored smoke rings everywhere. Saw Merry and Pippin (those sexy hobbits!) running around and around the hut. Think they were racing. Not sure how many laps they did, but guessing 46,708,911 times. Ah, who's counting? Don't know who won, but they said they'd continue tomorrow. Must see if they'll let me join.

Even Later
Was spying on Arwen bathing at the stream, when Aragorn showed up. Thought things might get interesting. Sadly disappointed. Aragorn just pretended to have taken a wrong turn and that he didn't know where he was. Cunning fox…haha…

Day Four:
So Legolas didn't like my peach soap—he used Arwen's conditioner before leaving. How do I know? How else? She's been yelling about it for…three hours, fifty-two minutes, and thirty-seven seconds.

Later
Had a go at catching Merry and Pippin as they were running around Aragorn (who was sitting in a field, praying). Thought they liked me!! They ran away. Tried to tempt them with vegetables. Almost worked. But they kept running. Am disappointed.

Later after Later
Galadriel is on Elrond right now. Funny, I thought she was Frodo's bitch. Unfair either way. Gollum is screeching about his precious again. Precious fishstick…I'm gonna shove it up his………does Gollum have a Horn of Gondor?

Day Five:
Aragorn doing more praying. Tried to talk to him, but he just blathered on, something about needing a razor. Odd. But quite true. Am annoyed with the fishstick boxes strewn all about the hut. Gollum's fault, of course.

Later
Big smoke rings floating about. Must be Gandalf. Boromir was off in the forest…after Elf-whores. Still trying "Horn of Gondor" pickup line…hey! Amazingly…works…off to try!

Even Later
What has Boromir got that I don't?

Not fair.

Day Six:
Got tripped by Merry and Pippin early this morning. Then proceeded to watch them tangle the Elf-bitches' hair together, smoke pipeweed, and go after Samwise. What does he have that I don't?

Later
Frodo walked in on Elrond trying on Arwen's dresses. I was hiding behind the wardrobe. Purple flatters Elrond rather nicely. Merry and Pippin running into each other with pots on their heads…potheads, haha! [***BANG***] Am getting headache.

Always Later
Aragorn returned from field. Insisting upon being called "Prince of the Ponies." Asked him if Princes of the Ponies were friends with the Princes of the Unicorns. Got angry with me for some reason.

Day Seven:
Apparently, Merry and Pippin ran off the cliff today. Rather sad. Never got a shag. Aragorn moping about something. Bet Merry and Pippin took his carrots I saw Aragorn hide under the hay before they left. And he preaches to us about sin.

Later Missing the sexy hobbits like crazy. Don't know what to do. Aragorn yapping on about sins again. How can we get him to shut his trap?

Even Later
Quite uneventful. Tried to steal Galadriel from Frodo. She said no. Went all demonic on me. What has that little hairy hobbit got that I don't?

Day Eight:
Aragorn got high today. Cannot believe almighty-worshipper used drugs. Amusing yet. He's prancing around doing faerie leaps in the flower garden now.

Later
Argh. Gollum is being bothersome. May have to do something about him. Maybe should set Arwen on him.

Later than the Later before…
Elrond looks so pretty in green…aaaaaargh!! Tried to sit on bed, but THERE ARE MORE FISHSTICK BOXES ON IT! I'M GOING TO KILL GOLLUM! HE'S GOING TO PAY! ……Hahaha…I know how to get him back…

Day Nine:
Aww…Elrond pissed off Arwen, and she cut off his hair…now I can't braid it…sad…don't know what to do…

Later
Hahahaha…putting Operation No Fishstick into action. My revenge on Gollum will be sweet.

Later than that
HA! That will take care of him…I'll have him sobbing for days now…have left trail of fishsticks for everyone to trod on…all throughout the field…to the forest…back again…AND THEY'RE ALL BEHEADED! HAHAHAHAHAHA! My intelligence amazes even me sometimes…

Day Ten:
Aragorn, that Princess of My Little Ponies, is high again. Must ask Gandalf for some soon. Wouldn't let the cute little hobbits have some though. That's a shame, as he would be fun while he's high.

Later
Gandalf now being lectured by Aragorn on how wrong drugs are. Rather silly, as 1) Gandalf is on them now, so he probably won't even remember Aragorn talking about it, and 2) Aragorn himself is getting high every morning…who understands those prophets anyways…

Watched cute little hobbit for awhile. Galadriel was hitting on him. He must have a Horn of Gondor too…

Even Later
Arwen on pipeweed now too. Gandalf gave her some. WHY IN BLOODY HELL WON'T HE LET ME HAVE SOME TOO? What does she have that I don't? Arwen very alluring while high. Off to see if I can get a fondle.

Day Eleven:
Someone is messing with me. Probably Arwen. It is, after all, quite hard to resist me, I know. I keep feeling someone tap on my helmet. Then when I look there's no one there…Arwen, you sly, sly temptresss!

Later
Yay! Elrond's hair is back! Must find way to get close so I can braid those precious Elven locks…ooh…

Even Later
GODDAMN FISHSTICK BOXES! In the name of Gloin, I will do away with that……Gollum!

Day Twelve:
Gollum the fag! He called me a hairy asshole! Do not know why, as I keep it waxy smooth, thank you very much. Surprisingly strong for a little thing like that, though. Threw some more fishsticks over the cliff…and he threw me off the cliff. Ah…those people up there are going to miss me…how are they going to get any action?