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Funny stuff
Corny Jokes
High light under question to see the answer
1.What did the acorn say when it grew up?
2.Why was 6 afraid of 7?
3.Why was the house so warm in the winter?
4.What kind of dust cleaner do schools use?
5.Why was Cinderella thrown off the baseball team?
6.Why is a river always rich?
7.Who has eight guns and creates fear throughout the ocean?
8. Why couldn't the 12 year old get into the pirate movie?
9.What did the judge say to the racket?
10.What kind of teeth can you buy with a dollar?
The ABC's of ex-girlfriends...
Things you'll never hear a man say
1.Here honey, you use the remote.
Things you'll never hear a women say
1.Ohh, this diamond is way too big!
1.Hi, you've reached __'s answering machine. ___ isn't home right now,
but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. We're VERY close
and we tell each other everything.
2.You have reached the number which you have dialled.
3.Hi, this is you know who and I'm not you know where, so please leave a
message after you know what.
4.You've reached the home of the greatest psychic on earth. Since I
already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up after
the beep tone.
5.Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a
second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click
off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK,
sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...
(wait for a few seconds so the person calling will keep talking) well
listen you're talking to a machine, don't you feel stupid now!Hahahaha.
Just leave a message.
6.Just put on a recording of a busy signal.
Geometry(say it outloud, gee,I'm a tree?Get it, hahaha)
Because 7 8 9(seven ate nine, hahaha)
Because the painter put on 2 coats(2 coats of paint..there ya go, ya got it)
Pledge of Alligance(Pledge)
She ran away from the ball(you know, the story, she had to leave at 12, haha)
Has a bank on each side(you know...)
Billy the Squid(like Billy the kid)
Because the movie was rated RRRRRRRRRRRR(Get it? pirates do that noise, huh?huh?)
We will send you to court(racket, on a tennis court)
Buck teeth
A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.
D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K stands for Kill.
L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, becauseshe lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
2.You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
3.While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
4.Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just like to be held.
5.We never talk anymore.
2.And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
3.Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being
"just friends".
4.Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out
how to get there.
5.I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer
dress.
Answering Machine Messages
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