Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!
Funny Stuff 2

Go Back Next Page

Deep thoughts

  • Did you know you can lick your elbow? Try it with all yours friends!
  • If a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?
  • After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
  • What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
  • Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
  • If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  • Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
  • Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
  • Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
  • Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
  • War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
  • How can there be self-help "groups"?
  • Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
  • Why do when you send something on a ship it is called 'cargo' and if it is sent in a car it is 'shipment'?
  • If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in a mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
  • Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage person.
  • I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground and the fish pulls a worm out ot the ground. Now that's a documentary
  • If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act supprized. 'Wait a minute! I thought we won!
  • I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
  • The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. but then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. 'Uh-oh,' he thought. 'This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.
  • I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later when you might think you're having a good idea but it is just eggs hatching.
  • To me it is a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says,'Hey, can you give me a hand?' You can say, 'Sorry, I got these sacks.'

  • 118 things you never say to a cop...
  • Can you hand me your gun?
  • So, what's a good bribe go for around here?
  • Okay, so I was speeding and I let you catch me - how about best of three?
  • If I had known you were there I would never have been going that fast!
  • When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
  • When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
  • Touch him.
  • Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
  • Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
  • When he says no, cry.
  • If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
  • When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first."
  • When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
  • Trip and fall into him.
  • Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
  • Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
  • Act like you are retarded.
  • Course I'm pissed officer, you'd think I'd drive like this if I was sober.
  • Officer, if I weren't so drunk right now i'd get out of this truck and kick your ass.
  • You look a little slow today, what, one too many doughnuts?
  • Bad cop! No donut!
  • Didn't I see you get your butt kicked last week on "COPS"?
  • You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
  • When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder.
  • Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

  • blond jokes
  • Inventions by Blondes
  • =--=
  • -- The water-proof towel
  • -- Glow in the dark sunglasses
  • -- Solar powered flashlights
  • -- Submarine screen doors
  • -- A book on how to read
  • -- Inflatable dart boards
  • -- A dictionary index
  • -- Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
  • -- Powdered water
  • -- Pedal-powered wheel chairs
  • -- Waterproof tea bags
  • -- Watermelon seed sorter
  • -- Zero proof alcohol
  • -- Reuseable ice cubes
  • -- See-through toilet tissue
  • -- Skinless bananas
  • -- Do-it-yourself road map
  • -- Turnip ice cream
  • -- Toe implants
  • -- An all white flag
  • -- Rolls Royce pickup truck
  • What do smart Blondes and UFO's have in common?
  • You always hear about them but you never see them.
  • Why can't Blondes dial 911?
  • They can't find the eleven on the phone!
  • Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
  • You have to hollow out the head.
  • Q: What did the blonde say when the docotor told her that she was pregnant?
  • A: Is it mine?
  • Q: Why did the blonde's belly button hurt?
  • A: 'Cause her boyfriends were all blondes too.
  • Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
  • A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
  • What is the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
  • When you smack the mosquito, it stops sucking.
  • How do you confuse a blonde?
  • You put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
  • How does she confuse you?
  • She comes and tells you she's found one.
  • Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
  • A: Because red means stop

    Grandma Got Ran Over By A BroomStick


    *(chorus)


    Grandma got run over by a broomstick,
    Walking home from our house Halloween.
    Now you can say there's no such thing as witch's,
    But as for me and Grandpa, we beleive.


    She'd consumed too many spirits,
    And we begged her not to go.
    But she'd forgot her Belladonna,
    So when she sacheted out the door, we didn't know.

    *


    When they found her the next morning,
    At the scene of the attack.
    She had bristles on her forhead,
    And incriminating brush marks on her back.

    *


    Now we're all so proud of Grandpa,
    He's been taking it so well.
    See him in there watching wrestling,
    Drinking wine and dancing skyclad with cousin Nell.


    It's not Samhain with out Grandma,
    She's the one with the big hat.
    And we just can't help but wonder,
    Should we divy up her candy, or send it back.

    *


    Now the punch is on the table,
    And the pumpkin, it's so big.
    And the black and silver candles,
    That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.


    I've warned all my friends and neighbors,
    Better watch out for yoursleves.
    They should never give a license,
    To a gal who flies a broomstick deosil.

    Do you know Jack Schitt? For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, one of the twins, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Meanwhile, the second twin, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

    Go Back Next Page