Does this happen often?

Getting harassed? What would you do if some dude asked you for 2 dollars? Give it to him? He was a creepy guy, just staring at me, while I struggled with the ticket machine. I DON'T HAVE TWO DOLLARS. I NEED THE TWO DOLLARS TO GET HOME. And plus, if he had said it POLITELY and maybe not just sticking your hand out and saying "Give me two dollars", maybe I WOULD HAVE CONSIDERED.

But geez, did I do something wrong? What is up with today?

Why has this day only been a constant reminder of how much my life sucks?

I think I need to cry.

I can't concentrate.

Nothing. No motivation whatsoever.

But I need this. I need my 4 A's.

It's so stupid that I'm still wishing for them. Even though there's a fair chance that I won't.

I can't do this to my life anymore.

I can't keep letting myself down time after time after time.

But it seems like this is something I cannot control. I can't control myself.

They always said life wasn't going to be easy. But they never said that it was going to be this hard either.

I'm trying. I'm trying not to think of unhappy things. I'm trying not to die.

I need to block everything out. Everything. So I can think, straight.

I can't make myself do this. I keep giving up halfway. It's so stupid and naive of me to let myself give up. But I can't bring myself to hold up a book and read it. To absorb it's information.

Because we learn, to pass exams, to learn another whole set of information to pass more exams. Is there more to life than the exams and learning?

What, like we're supposed to enjoy this journey of learning and examinations? Everything in between? All the laughs, admist all the backstabbing and the hating?

This life doesn't get any harder. The happy times will be cut down short. Love plays only a minor role, but in the end we'll get hurt. Only to be healed again by someone else who might break our hearts.

"In the end, everything is going to be okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

I really want the end to come. Now. Now. NOW. I have to wait until the 6th of June. I don't know if I can wait that long.

My grades are slipping and this is my only chance to pull them up again. I want to, I really do.

And if I really do. Then I should be able to have the strength to make myself.

But I'm too weak for that.

Do you see it? Do you see the freaking cycle here?
When does it end???? WHEN DOES IT END???

Will someone please, please tell me where she is?

I'm so worried. It couldn't have happened. Not now.

I just want to know what happened. I want to be there for her. And not be the person who's the last to know or read it from someone elses blog.

Maybe I'm just crying over nothing. Everything's perfectly fine and she was just caught up in something small. Nothing to be afraid of.

It's okay. It's going to be okay.

6103 W1 Biology
Yeah. So I failed it.

I checked back on my answers and well, I just got almost everything I wrote wrong. I didn't even know what to write, I didn't even know what they were talkng about.

It is my fault, as I will keep telling myself that. But I don't know when I am actually going to wake up and realise that it's ME that has to change in order to make my results change. I was too busy studying for the other topics that I thought were more important because it would be "common sense" for the other ones. But noo.. BOTH, not one, but BOTH questions were based on the "common sense" topic.

Am I sad that I didn't do as well as I would hoped?
Of course. There's always room for improvement. In my case, there's room for anything. I don't understand how I can get by in life. My morals are completely different to what I am actually doing in real life. I can't believe I'm still alive.

I think I'm still in denial.

Does this affect the way I look at exams soon coming?
Yeah, it does. I now have less confidence. I have less confidence that I'll be able to answer these questions with the best of my ability. I thought the Biology exam sucked. But that doesn't change the fact that I failed it. It just gives me the impression that almost all my other exams are going to be the same. They will suck and I will fail in all of them.

It's just the way my mind works. It's stupid. I'm stupid.

Will I try and do something different for my other exams?
I like my mojo. Although it has some serious flaws. I like and dislike change in a way. I don't know how I'm going to change. I don't know what I can do to change. Do more studying? That didn't seem to help. I have these mentality that whatever I do I will screw up in. Yes, I have self-esteem problems. Major ones. It's my problem and that's why I'm writing it here. So now one will have to suffer with me.

I'm superstitious to an extent. I like to do things the same way if they turned out alright the first time round. I wore a particular purple pair of shorts on one day and this guy died. I tried on the same pair a few months later and this woman died. Am I ever going to try the pants on again? Probably not. The thing is, it might not have been the shorts. It could've been my tshirt or my shoes or my bag. But I've worn all those before and nothing happened.

I have to accept the consequences of my actions. I guess I have. And then numbed them out. I can't think properly. I can't feel. I feel so inhuman. Like I'm just typing this stuff without any actual feelings. They're just coming out with so much emotion but I have not one single tear in my eye.

I've lost it. I've lost me. I feel like I'm lost. Where did I go?

Next up: Geography Skills.
I have to learn how to get more confidence. More self-esteem. Not every exam you go into you'll fail. This is just one out of the other 10 I'll have. We'll just have to see how this goes.
Nothing is going right.

Entitlement
I am entitled to be sad.
I am entitled to be mad.
I am entitled to have a little cry by myself.
I am entitled to not have to tell you everything that is bothering me.
I am entitled to keep my mouth shut.
I am entitled to do as I please. Even if it means hurting myself.
I am entitled to learn from my mistakes.
I am entitled to be mad at you when I am watching TV and you just decide to start talking to me.
I am entitled to be pissed off at everything in the world.
I am entitled to be a little bit emo from time to time.
I am entitled to love someone.
I am entitled to have a crush on someone.
I am entitled to make typos and not correct them.
I am entitled to behave as I please.
I am entitled to contradict myself.
I am entitled to make lists.
I am entitled to repeat myself.
I am entitled to write this.
I am entitled to cry.
I am entitled to feel depressed.
I am entitled to feel like crap after trying on 4 tshirts that don't fit me.
I am entitled to be cranky when someone has just told me that my legs look big.
I am entitled to be mad when someone actually says I'm fat.
I am entitled to feel like crap when I get used.
I am entitled to wake up whenever I want.
I am entitled to let these tears fall.
I am entitled to stop them.
I am entitled to keep my feelings locked up.
I am entitled to be alone.
I am entitled to feel sad when I am lonely.
I am entitled to not update my Xanga with pictures just for you.
I am entitled to be as mysterious as possible.
I am entitled to not always be happy.
I am entitled to lose my memory almost all the time.
I am entitled to do something stupid.
I am entitled to feel like utter crap when people laugh at me for doing something.
I am entitled to have low self-esteem.
I am entitled to feel deflated when people do better than me.
I am entitled to repeat words because I can't find any other adjectives.
I am entitled to feel this way.
I am entitled to not do what you say.
I am entitled to some happiness even if it's because I've temporarily forgotten about everything bad in my life.
I am entitled to think my life sucks.
I am entitled to believe it.
I am entitled to worry.
I am entitled to worry about nothing.
I am entitled to be paranoid.
I am entitled to not care.
I am entitled to deny.
I am entitled to hate everything single thing on this planet right now.
I am entitled to love it again tomorrow morning.
I am entitled to kill a mosquito if it bites me.
I am entitled to frown even if it gives me wrinkles.
I am entitled to a little piece of quiet.
I am entitled to many things.
I am entitled to be fat but do something about it.
I am entitled to not want your sympathy.
I am entitled to not want to buy stuff from Wellcome even if you give me the money.
I am entitled to be a little self-centered sometimes.
I am entitled to not always be nice.
I am entitled to punch something.
I am entitled to care about someone.
I am entitled to give a damn.
I am entitled to not give a damn.
I am entitled being able to be me.

WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR YOU TO COMPREHEND?!

I think this is how it feels like to die
Or I'm coming down with a cold.

My head. Has been killing me since lunch. Pulsing and pulsing. Right at the side of my head. Pulsing, pulsing.

STOP IT.

And my eyes, they hurt. So much.

And my back. Is in such a bad position. This chair, cannot contain me. It's too old. It's too worn down. I'd actually rather sit on a hard stool than this because this just feels so uncomfortable.

So much for being cheap.

MY HEAD. IT HURTS. STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

Am I dumb?
Do I look dumb?

When people see me, do they instantly assume they must talk a little slower?

Because. I'm feeling dumb because of the way people are treating me.

I know I should explain but it's stupid.

I just hope I'm not perceived as dumb. But I think my Biology teacher probably thinks I am.

--

Yea, well. I'm procrastinating again.

I know it's not good. But I still do it anyway.

My brain is now going to vomit. All my thoughts, scrambled and confused will go here. Incoherent. Sad. Confusing. Weird. Self-explanatory. Selfish. Random. Anything. All of it:

Don't people find it rude to not reply emails? I'm not talking about those random strangers online when you comment on their diary/journal/whatever and expect them to reply (although sometimes I anticipate a response) to your reply to their comment or something. I'm talking about relatives, friends. Do they not think it's important? Do they not think I'm important? Granted, they may be incredibly busy to listen to my rantings and may not even have a response to it. But I don't like it when you've written a long email. Expressing your concern or whatever. Expecting a reply. And within months, weeks, (alright fine it's only been) days without a reply? Are they dead? What happened? I like to reply my emails. As swiftly as possible. But I'll admit, if I find nothing to say, I might ignore it. But then I'll feel bad and actually think of something to say.

Am I being used? I feel like I am but I'm still letting it happen.

Am I not allowed to feel sad?

Why do I have such a short memory? I think of something to write here and make a mental note. I come back, sit in front of this computer and there's nothing flowing out of my fingertips. It sucks, really it sucks. How am I supposed to ace my exams with such crap memory????????

WHY AM I ALIVE?

I'm so fat.

I hate it when my hands get sweaty when I think of holding someones hands. It sucks. And it's disgusting. To the person anyway, I think. But if you're dating a guy. And the guy likes you, will he mind? That your hand is sweaty that is. Do you avoid holding his hand and resort to linking arms?

Why am I so confused about life?

I hate the fact that this day is about to end and I haven't finish my assignment.

I'm so very freaking tired.

Why am I so anal about everything? Do I want to be seen as perfect when I'm obviously not? I need to watch my TV shows in a cronological order. I have to write everything in my diary in the same colour, same brand, same pen. Because I have to, well the writing in the diary part, or else I'll forget. I dunno about the pen thing though.

Am I funny? Do people only laugh because they are scared they might offend me? Sure, there have been times when people have only given me a *stare* and well, yea, I guess it feels ugly to be *stared* at when you think you've just made a really, incredibly funny joke.

I wish I was quick on my toes at thinking. Especially at responding to those times when someone says something and then you say something and then everyone laughs, especially without offending the person who spoke first.

Why is life so hard?

I'm so obsessive. An example would be, I like a song. It just came out. And I MUST MUST MUST tell the world that I love it. Just so that they know that I said it first. Just so that they don't think I'm a follower and a conformist and that people are following me instead. Why do I want people to know that I found that particular thing first? Like, I was the first person in my school to like this cartoon. I put it on my blog and now everyone likes it. I want them to credit me for introducing it to them. I want them to go "Wow, thanks (insert my name here) for telling me about this site. It's great!" or whatever. SOMETHING.

Maybe I just want recognition.

Why do I always think about dying when I cross the road? That's not healthy right?

I look at my wrists and they're not cut. I wonder why they aren't. Can I not handle the pain? Do I not have access to a blade? Or am I just too chicken? Or am I already content with my horrible life that I'm used to the horrible-ness and that it doesn't seem as horrible now even though it is and that I know it's horrible but I've gotten used to it.

WHY DO I GO IN CIRCLES WHEN I THINK?

Why do I tend to repeat myself? Do I think people haven't heard what I said the first time when the world pretty much heard it? Do I really, really want a response from them?

Am I ready to be a chef? Do I even want to be a chef? What the hell. What do I want to be?

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

I like this song.

Why are all these questions. QUESTIONS. UNANSWERABLE QUESTIONS.

I stopped going online and yet I've wasted my time by writing here. What's the difference.

I think I should stop. I'll do another brain vomit later. See how my thoughts have changed.

Just let me
Fight it out for 8 more days okay?

8 more school days until it's the exams. I need these 24 hours.

I'm not going to care about myself. I'm going to keep going. If I feel weak I'll just forget about it, I'll busy myself until I forget about it.

8 more days. 8 more school days. That's not a lot. And I have exams and coursework to do. So, just let me fight it out.

Why do emotions have to exist? Why do we have to feel? I don't want to feel tired, if I didn't feel tired I'd be able to finish my coursework.

That's why I need to fight it. Busy myself so I don't feel tired.

On another note, I look 14. Great. That's just excellent. 14. Goddamn 14. I guess it might be a good thing that I look younger than I actually am. But it does have it's drawbacks. For example: you can't go to the gym, because you look 14. I'd like to express my feelings towards this but I have an assignment to complete.

OHMYEFFINGGOD
Geez! One thing I hate is being used. Some people can hide it relatively well but some? JUST GO AWAY. GO AWAY.

I GOT THE IDEA TO PICK HER UP AT THE AIRPORT. AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT I CAN "COME ALONG"?!

What the hell.

Maybe I'm being completely out of line here but I don't give. I need to vent. No one reads this. Who cares about MY feelings right?

It just infuriates me. INFURIATES ME.

I have this pent up anger inside of me that I will need to vent from time to time.

Yesterday it was pizza. Today. Today was fine until I got THAT email.

And the thing that gets me as well, is that no one knows AT ALL that it was my idea, sure maybe they had planned to meet up but GEEZ phrasing it like that would make ANYONE pissed off.

Maybe not you or the person next to you. But it INFURIATES ME.

I am SO PISSED.

SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSSOSO PISSED.

I find different ways to vent these feelings. I cry. I hate. I get pissed. I am short tempered. I KNOW THAT.

I just want to shout at them right now. MY IDEA. DON'T TELL ME TO TAG ALONG WHEN I THOUGHT OF IT AND I INVITED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.

OHMYGOD.

F
I've failed at many things in life.

I just don't want to fail life.

But it's so hard when everything is just shoved into your face and you're meant to deal with it like it's a piece of cake. Because it's not, it's so hard to take things as they come at such a fast rate.

How am I supposed to do my best at things that I don't have a chance of even finishing??

Life isn't easy. No one said it was fair.

But I just want. To slow down for a bit. Like, extend my 24 hour a day life. Make it maybe 30 hours? That might help. But even only a little bit.