Fencing with Phil:
For People Who Have No Idea What They're Doing,
By People Who Have No Idea What They're Doing
Follow along with our easy step-by-step fencing demonstrations as shown by Phil the smiley face and his assistants.
Warm-ups:
First, do this in order to deeply focus your concentration:
Stances (A.K.A. Cool Poses):
Stance 1: The I am Cool and Ready for You Pose
To do this stance, simply stand there with your sword out. Don't forget to have a stupid look on your face. This will intimidate all foes.
Stance 2: The Squatting Porcipine
This stance was used thousands of years ago for meditation by the Celtic and Sumu tribes of northeast Indonesia. These people worshipped the porcipine gods who lived on Mount Olympus. To perform this stance, first close your eyes and picture a porcipine. Now, become the porcipine. YOU ARE THIS PORCIPINE! Hold your sword in front of your face and jump up into the air, pretending you are a bird-like porcipine. Remember: You are the porcipine!! Land from your jump in a squat, striking downwards with your blade, imitating a downwards-striking porcipine quill. Finally, hold the sword out to your left, and hold it there for hours, representing the patience of the porcipine. Repeat until you found your true inner porcipine.
Attack Techniques:
Attack 1: Pointy Sword Jab
The most basic attack in fencing is the pointy sword jab. Simply shoot your sword arm outwards and hope your opponent hasn't learned any of the defense techniques listed below!
Attack 2: The Traditional Charging "I am Duck" Attack:
For this simple attack, charge at your opponent, waving your sword back and forth in a horizontal motion, destroying everything in your path. While doing so, shout: "I am Duck!" This may lead to your gaining of psychic powers. Make sure you say "I am Duck," and not "I am a Duck," because this technique originated in Japan, and the Japanese have no word for "a."
Attack 3: The Glowing Green Brownie-Seeking Charge
Jab your sword out in front of you towards your opponent. Keep your mouth wide open, just in case any brownies happen to fly your way. When done properly, your hand will begin to glow green.
Defense Techniques:
Defense 1: Run!
Now an important thing to remember, is if you ever meet someone who actually knows what they're doing (they must have learned this from this website, clear indicators include a perfect Squatting Porcipine stance where they actually transform into a real porcipine), drop your sword and RUN! This ancient technique was used by... just about everybody at some point. I use it a lot.
Defense 2: The Overhead Block:
In the Overhead Block, you must hold your sword way over your head. Use this defense against an overhead strike or any sword coming down at you from the sky.
Defense 3: The Downwards Block
Opposite to the Overhead Block, hold your swords way down low. This can be used to block low attacks or just normal attacks made by really short people.
Defense 4: Double Defense:
If multiple people are on the same side/team, why not work together? Two are better than one (usually)! You are encouraged to have each person guard against attacks from a different direction. Alternatively, you could all face the same way, that way if something sneaks up behind you, you'll both be surprised. This may seem like foolish tactics, but it has proven superior countless times. If you don't get it, you never will. (See below)
Defense 5: If All Else Fails...
If all else fails and your opponent is truly better than you, offer to form an alliance so that you can observe him and steal his secret fencing techniques! Never admit that he's superior though.
Sparring Practice:
Now, grab a partner and practice the techniques you have learned so far!
To win a fencing bout, score 15 points, a point for each legal touch. If you want to simulate actual fencing, use a foil, epee, or sabre as your weapon.
Below are images of actual fencing swords. We recommend you use the wrong kind of sword, just to be cool. This will be especially useful in deceiving your opponent.
If you don't care about the rules, feel free to use crazy katanas, broadswords, daggers, ninja-tos, rapiers, cutlasses, scimitars, whatever! (see pictures below for some of these weapons) - Please note that these are not actually legal in fencing... if you actually care, then why are you learning from Phil (he's a smiley face!)?
What to do Next:
Once you have mastered the above stances, attacks, and defenses, it's time to move on. Advanced techniques will be discussed at a later time, but for now, try practicing the same moves only with two swords at once!
Top Ten Important Fencing Tips:
Now that you know what you're doing, be sure to remember these ten important tips!
10. Make sure you know which is the right sword for you:
9. Don't underestimate the power of small swords!
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2. If you don't look cool doing it, it's probably not right.
1. And the #1 most important fencing tip:
Always make sure your sword has batteries!
Important Fencing Terms:
EPEE: A fencing sword (see about image) that is heavier than the light foil (see next term below).
FOIL: A flexible fencing sword (see above image) - To tell the difference between a foil and an epee, try bending it in half. If it breaks, it's probably an epee. If it doesn't break, chances are, you're not bending it far enough.
SABRE: A cutting as well as thrusting sword (see above image). It is similar to cavalry swords, so if you want to fence on horseback (or if you want to joust, but have no lances handy), use this sword.
BLADE: The sharp part of the sword. Hit yourself with it. If it hurts, it's probably the blade side.
POINT: The end of the blade (see above if you have forgotten what the blade is) which scores hits.
GUARD: This is the part of the sword between the sword and the handle.
HILT: This is what the handle is actually called.
GRIP: This is an alternate name for the hilt or handle, though comparatively, not as cool-sounding.
MASK: Where this on your face so it won't be poked by a sword. If you don't care about being poked in the face, then don't wear one. Phil doesn't, after all! (but then again, Phil's way cooler than you)
GLOVES: For the hands, if you only have one (why would you have one?) then wear it on the hand holding the sword. If you only have one hand, then only one glove will be necessary.
CHEST GUARD: This is like body armor.
PISTE: This is what the playing field is called if you are in France. Phil likes to call it a piste, while others refer to it as a "strip."
