My friend Tonya was throwing a New Year's Eve party a year or two ago. Something like that; I think I was seventeen at the time. I brought my friend, Vanessa, as a guest. She'd just moved into town, but I'd known her before cause she lived in the same town as my grandma and I saw her a lot at Vacation Bible School each summer I spent there. Vanessa was something else. We'd sit around and she'd spin stories out of thin air about the weirdest stuff. I could sit and listen to her for hours. I did. Who needed other friends when she could just make them up for us?
She was my best summer friend, so I was really glad when her family moved to my town. But at home I already had a group of good friends. She was intimidated by them and their close ties to each other. I probably should have done something different to make her some better friends, but I didn't think of it at the time. That's why she never seemed to form lasting bonds to them like I had.
Anyway, I took her to this party on New Year's. It was a small party, only about twelve people. My boyfriend Brian was there, along with the mixed company of our clique. Vanessa and I got there about 8 o'clock, a while before Tonya's parents were to leave for another party.
At the door I left Vanessa's side to be with Brian, whom I hadn't seen in a week. Several of my friends stood around and talked to Vanessa out of courtesy and curiosity. She knew a few of them faintly; I think she went to school with one girl. She got friendly real fast with a guy named Jimmy. He was short, with long dark hair, pale skin, a skinny frame, and a dark outfit. Vanessa, with my cosmetic expertise, was dressed up nicely for the party and felt self-confident enough to do some shy, subtle flirting with Jimmy. I watched her for a minute as I stood with Brian. Finally I pulled Vanessa over to one side. "His girlfriend's out of town and they just had a fight, so be careful with him . . . he might be, y'know, out to boost his own ego tonight," I whispered. Vanessa nodded, keeping her eyes unmoving and averted, and retreated behind a veil of deep thought before we were called to eat.
Tonya's mom made us all some dinner, sort of a buffet, with lots of appetizers and just a little substantial food. I was running on adrenaline, though, so I didn't eat much. Vanessa picked at her food and tried to ignore Jimmy not noticing her, I think. Jimmy was talking about his girlfriend, Monica, getting angry all over again about the argument they'd had. Other than that, we ate quickly, then left the dishes in the sink to sit until the next day. Tonya's mom said, "Ah, who wants to wash dishes on New Year's Eve, anyway?"
Tonya's parents left about 9:30, warning "these party people had better be gone by the time we get back at 3." I swear, I couldn't lie nearly as well as Tonya if I had to. I'd have cracked a grin or something if I'd had to tell her mom we wouldn't be playing any juvenile games or doing anything they'd disapprove of at the party.
Tonya cranked the music--Marilyn Manson, a lovely soundtrack for the end of anything--and we danced ridiculously in the living room. Tonya brought out some party favors for the forthcoming midnight festival. My friend Bridget and I, unable to wait until 12, took the streamers and wrapped Brian in them. He tried to dance like that, nearly losing his balance before crashing into Jimmy. The two started into all these 1980's dances, eventually slipping into the Macarena when Brian wriggled free of the streamers. I died laughing and began to waltz with Bridget. Everyone was having a real good time.
Well, except Vanessa.
She sat in the eye of the storm, observing the laughter, the wild dancing. She was a stranger to the crowd; she only knew me well enough to act up around. I was sorry I'd brought her for a while, but then thought she'd become more fun if we lowered her inhibitions some.
Tonya's parents enjoyed a bit of alcohol now and again. So did Tonya. She got into the liquor cabinet and brought out a bottle of--well, something, I don't remember what. The bottle got passed around the room. Some people took big swigs, some just tasted, and some refused the proffered item. I drank a mouthful or two and then marched over to Vanessa.
"Here, have some," I urged, knowing she'd never taken a sip in her life. She wavered, then shook her head. "C'mon."
"Well--" she said, looking around.
Jimmy stumbled over. "I want some more when Vanessa's through." His speech was slurred, though the remaining contents of the one bottle weren't enough to get one out of twelve people drunk.
"What the heck," Vanessa said. She poured some in her mouth, splashing some on her white shirt, and shoved the bottle over to Jimmy. He grinned, then grooved with the music to the other side of the room. She just stood there, thinking again.
"So, what'd you think? About the liquor?" I asked. Maybe the breaking of one of her strongest personal taboos would encourage her to have more fun, mix better with my friends.
"It tasted all right, I guess," she murmured. It was probably just to make me feel better. "Makes my stomach warm."
"You'll be more fun now, okay?" I said.
"Whatever," Vanessa shrugged, sitting again on the couch, chin in both hands.
After we'd consumed the contents of the bottle of alcohol, we cleared a space on the hardwood floor. I pulled Vanessa down beside me. "Hey, nothing like a good game of spin-the-bottle to make a party fun, right?" She looked like she was about to back out, so I said, "Now you promised you'd have fun at this party."
She looked straight ahead, eyes half-closed, her elbows propped up on her bent knees. "I don't know. Since when did slobbering on an acquaintance officially fall under the category of fun?" I nudged her in the side. "Oh all right," she finally said, her resolve broken. She turned to me with a grudging smile; I knew then she'd try to pretend to be happy she was there, for my sake.
"Yes, now my goal in life is complete," I lightly mused.
"Profound," she replied. We caught each other's eyes and laughed sweetly. Just then it felt like we were back under the shade tree in front of my grandma's house in the country, and I'd only convinced her to share my bottle of Dr. Pepper, and I'd just invited her to join me in a game of tag.
"I've never been kissed, either," Vanessa said quietly to me as people began to join us on the floor.
"A night of firsts, huh," I said. She suddenly didn't find me that funny anymore and clammed up.
"Okay," Tonya said, "here's the rules. No hands, but kiss however you want to. Boys and boys, girls and girls--only allowed if both parties agree. Um, I'll spin it to see who goes first." She spun the bottle. I watched it eagerly. I hadn't kissed Brian in over a week, either. Vanessa merely looked on the bottle in veiled dread, like she just knew she'd end up kissing some girl in her homeroom if she spun.
It landed on Tonya's boyfriend. He spun and it landed on me. Not wanting to offend Tonya, we didn't kiss seriously, just a quick peck for the technicality of it. Next I spun and it landed on Brian. Oh, joy.
Vanessa had an increased sense of dread every time the bottle's neck whirled close towards her. I liked to think of spin-the-bottle as a more fun version of roulette. She considered it Russian roulette, judging by the relief visible when the bottle landed on someone else.
I was thinking about my next turn when Jimmy got kissed on the cheek by a rather uptight boy next to him. "All right, which one of you lucky ladies is next?" he asked. Vanessa was tracing patterns on the floor. I could tell she really hoped it wouldn't land on her. I hoped it would.
The empty liquor bottle slid around and around, slowing down and down. It stopped almost exactly between Vanessa and me. I heard her softly utter a swear word. "I think it landed on Sheryl," she said.
"No, it's on you," I insisted.
"Hey, I'll kiss you both," said Jimmy teasingly. He had some nerve, I thought.
"Whatever," I said. He leaned over and planted one on my lips. Then he turned to Vanessa.
"Hey, I thought you were kidding," she said quickly. It was impossible not to watch, as she just sat there, like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car. I shut my eyes at the last second, as I did when I hit my first rabbit. When I looked up, it was over. She sat for a second, then blindly turned the bottle around. It landed on me. She got up and left. I really wanted to follow her just then, but after a moment or two it seemed like she'd spoiled a little bit of fun for us, so I just gave the bottle a twist again. The game continued, the players not really any further concerned with Vanessa.
We grew tired of that game. Someone suggested dragging out the old Twister pad, but it was too close to midnight. We had the TV tuned to MTV, catching the top 100 video countdown. Vanessa was sitting on the steps to the porch, just outside the room of the house we were in. I disentangled myself from both Brian's attentions and the study of some TV alterna-god's long hair to see her there. I could see her breath rise and dissipate, although it was warm enough outside to keep the door open.
"Hey," I said softly, coming over to greet her. She murmured something in response. She wouldn't look at me. "What's up." I sat beside her.
She looked up at the sky. No stars anywhere, she commented. I could tell she missed the starry view from my grandmother's country back yard. At Tonya's city address, the light of nearby streetlamps clouded the vision. Above us, moist rainclouds discouraged us from stargazing while keeping the weather unseasonably warm.
We sat for a minute before I spoke. I asked, "Are you mad at me?"
She was quiet for a moment. But she was always quiet. "No," she finally said. "I feel sort of gypped. I'd been looking forward to this party--y'know, trying new things, having fun with new people. But your friends don't seem to care if I'm dead or alive. And all these new experiences--the alcohol, and that stupid game--just make me feel worse. It's like, I have to do things to myself, alter myself, just to be equal with them. I don't have a boyfriend in this crowd, I don't know these people very well, but they're your good friends and so I came to try to have fun. I'd heard about how great they were from you, but I--I don't know. I expected them to be different." She looked up. "They're the same as all the other people I know. If I don't do what they're doing, then I'm doing something wrong. I'm not as good as them. I've got to drink with them and compromise my principles, just to be an acquaintance. Just to hang out. Hate to see what it'd take to be a full-fledged friend."
I was a little surprised, a little stunned at this attack on my friends. I sat quietly for a minute, trying to see it through her eyes. And I have to admit, it felt like an attack on me too, cause they were my friends, after all. I was a part of almost everything they did. It hurt me to know she felt this way. But I saw, too, where she was coming from.
"Am I like that too?" I asked after a few minutes of strangeness weighed on the air.
"I don't know. I don't think so. You never were before." She said each statement with a little less certainty. Vanessa continued, "Once I thought you were my friend. I guess you still are, but I wish you hadn't brought me here. When you're around your friends, you become like them." A tear slid off her eyelashes, down her cheek, dripping onto her shirt.
I pondered her statement for a moment. "Maybe that's why I was such a good friend when I was around you." The swirling voices from inside the room told me the time was near for the old year to pass away.
"Ten . . . nine . . . eight . . . ."
Vanessa looked at me. She wiped away a tear, and bent and kissed my cheek.
"Five . . . four . . . three . . . ."
"Thanks," I said.
"Love you," she said.
"Love you, too," I said. And we knew it was the love of the closest sisters, the strongest bond we could ever forge. Even though she couldn't accept my rowdy friends, she could accept me the way I was, selfishness and cross temper and all. And I knew I'd never try again to change her into something she wasn't.
It was a happy new year.