"My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell you the truth, there's hardly any difference."
Harry Truman
"It isn't the things that happen to us, it's the things we think are going to happen to us that drive us almost crazy."
Kathleen Norris
"There is a certain danger in not having to reach final conclusions: it's all too easy to be satisfied with glimmers of intuition, rather than sound, coherent reasoning."
Tarkovsky
"I want to live... I just want to live in pain... but i don't know why."
Kate
"It's like living in a Jane Austen novel without all the romance."
Eve on recent events
"Everybody's got a center."
Margo Kamel
"You have the rest of your life to be clean. College is all about being dirty and drinking beer."
Jim Spencer
"Kiss me, my bovine woman!"
An anonymous Romeo
"LOOSE TART PIE!"
'Nia
"It's nice I can protect myself from my own tongue."
Brad
"How do you tell someone you don't love them anymore?"
Cowboy Mouth
SPECIAL OSCAR PARTY QUOTES SECTION:
Susan: Who's that?
Rosemary: That's Chad Lowe from Life Goes On, Corky's sister's boyfriend, the AIDS guy... DUH!
"That's one of those one-named guys... like, Slab."
Eve
Brad: When I make my movie, I'll get [the costume designer from Topsy Turvy] to design my costumes 'cause she gives good speeches.
Susan: What about me? You see what I wear, I'd be perfect!
Brad: Yeah, if I want to wear curtains.
Morgan Freeman: (on TV) ... thank [somebody] for turning a diverse, multi-cultural planet--
Eve: --Into McDonalds.
"Look, she's got two new friends!"
Steve, about Vanessa Williams' chest
"Don't pay attention to anything going on below my knees."
Cher
Eve: "The Wildest Show in the South" - that's in 304 Trez!
Susan: Ha ha! ... Who lives there?
Eve: You do!
"Ya, go see my movie, Jingle All The Way."
someone imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger
"I love this movie!"
Seth imitating Ray Charles
"The best thing about Warren Beatty as president: Vice President Jack Nicholson."
Billy Crystal
"I wish I had a tail to wag!"
Roberto Begnini
"This is the highlight of my day. It's all downhill from here."
Kevin Spacey, putting a new twist on his words from American Beauty in his Best Actor acceptance speech
* * *
"If life is a trip, then why aren't I high, and why do I just have the shakes?"
Brian
"Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense."
Helen Rowland
"The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart."
Holland
"I have a deep and meaningless relationship with Sartre's writing...."
Eve
"Finding new and preferably disgusting ways to degrade a friend's mother was always held in high regard."
Stand By Me
"Boys are like sea urchins. They're neat to look at, but when you get close to them--they go, bleupthp."
'Nia
"There's this serial killer in Pakistan who's been sentenced to death for killing 100 children. [Like his victims] He's going to be strangled, then dismembered, and have his body thrown into acid, and all the parents of the kids he killed are going to watch... I wonder whether they're going to use a professional strangler. I think it'd be kinda funny if they got an amateur... And this coming from a country that has twelve nuclear warheads."
Eric
"This next song is about an armadillo... a jackal... and a guy in a car, trying to hit them."
Mellick
"If I could eat one candy for the rest of my life, I guess it would be by definition the Everlasting Gobstopper."
John
"My saturation point is higher now that I'm not saturated all the time."
Shannon
As my friend Erick rambled: "So... I had a crush on this dancer all last year. Went to these recitals all the time. Then she started liking me back, and I asked, What the f@*# is wrong with her? and I stopped going to recitals."
Jeannette
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
Dorothy Parker
"Dr Bloom is bisexually abnormal. He has recently escaped from Dr Eustace's private asylum for demented gentlemen. Born out of bedlock hereditary epilepsy is present, the consequence of unbridled lust. Traces of elephantiasis have been discovered among his ascendants. There are marked symptoms of chronic exhibitionism. Ambidexterity is also latent. He is prematurely bald from selfabuse, perversely idealistic in consequence, a reformed rake, and has metal teeth. In consequence of a family complex he has temporarily lost his memory and I believe him to be more sinned against than sinning. I have made a pervaginal examination and, after application of the acid test to 5427 anal, axillary, pectoral and pubic hairs, I declare him to be virgo intacta."
James Joyce, Ulysses
"Life made me a whore and now I make the world a brothel."
The Senegali film Hyena
"What a great parking job! I should back into things more often!"
Susan
"Nobody realized that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."
Albert Camus
"Ballet: it separates the men from the boys."
-
"Is there a circus next door or something?"
-
"In Russia [in the late 1800's], homosexuality was treated with DEATH."
Professor Mosby
Eve: (draws an ear)
Nia: (draws person climbing into ear with following caption)
"Climbing into an ear... a difficult feat!"
Eve: (adds caption) "All the wax makes it slick!"
Nia: (trying not to laugh)
Eve: (another caption) "Luckily there are lots of piercings to hold on to!"
(draws earrings all along the ear)
Nia: (loud laughter in class)
"FRIEND EVE,
YOU ARE SO VERY WEIRD AND FUNNY. NOW WE WILL GO SWIM.
<3 FRIEND MOMMY"
Eve's mommy
"It's impossible to be totally objective, it's just not human. Not to say [for example] Only bears are objective or whatever, though."
Eve's brilliant 4am philosophical statements
"I fear your wrath less than I fear your pity."
Verdi's Aida
"Life can be tough as nails
When your friends thinks your a guy who eats snails."
"Arthur"
"Someone could paint Elvis on you!"
Seth in reference to my velvety black outfit
One dark evening he came back to all his dear families, and he coiled up his trunk and said, "How do you do?" They were very glad to see him, and immediately said, "Come here and be spanked for your [in]'satiable curiosity."
"Pooh," said the Elephant's Child. "I don't think you peoples know anything about spanking, but I do, and I'll show you."
Then he uncurled his trunk and knocked two of his dear brothers head over heels.
"O Bananas!" said they, "where did you learn that trick, and what have you done to your nose?" [The Elephant's Child's nose was the first to be stretched to the present-day trunk length by a Crocodile earlier in the story.]
"I got a new one from the Crocodile on the banks of the great grey-green, greasy Limpopo River," said the Elephant's Child. "I asked him what he had for dinner, and he gave me this to keep."
"It looks very ugly," said his hairy uncle, the Baboon.
"It does," said the Elephant's Child. "But it's very useful," and he picked up his hairy uncle, the Baboon, by one hairy leg, and hove him into a hornet's nest.
Rudyard Kipling, Just So Stories, "The Elephant's Child"