"Society is now one polished horde,
Formed by two mighty tribes: Bores and Bored."
Lord Byron
"Those who complain most are those who are most complained of."
Matthew Henry
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such."
Homer Simpson
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
Katherine Hepburn
"What scares me about Rhodes is that the same kids coasting along on their excellent participation grades (performed through asking some of the most obnoxious, vacuous questions I've never dreamed of asking because the answers are found with any common-sensical observation of the world), saying asinine things about the environment which produced them ("I'm the diamond in the rough, tee hee!"), and turning intellectual/creative mediocrity into pure gpa gold by following the rules to the letter--the only thing they have been programmed to do through their entire lives--are going to be our bosses, our politicians, and our co-workers. May some higher power grant me a job doing manual labor under the protection of a union, or an altruistic position on another continent, or the power to kill these people before they start breeding."
my stupid-people rant
"I'm sorry... I'm not the kind of person to go down on anyone, much less someone I know."
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"I need examples of 'badly hung' and 'well hung' before I can make a value judgement."
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"That's what I'm going to do when I grow up, get my tits airbrushed."
anonymous
"I am SO not sewing a feather boa on a naked Eve!"
Susan
"I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves."
Ludwig Wittgenstein
"Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him."
Romain Gary
Note scribbled on the door:
"Went out to get drugs."
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"Not to say that all men are dogs. There are some nice men. Too bad they're gay."
Jennifer
On the 1998 film version of "Lolita":
Eve: Cate Blanchett would have made a better Mrs. Haze than Melanie Griffith.
Cameron: Hell, Liberace would done a better job.
My former roommate is voting for Bush. Why?
Shannon: "Bush's policies can be controlled."
Eve: "So can Bush. With nipple clips."
My dad is voting for Bush as well. Why?
"Most people don't understand that if Gore's in the White House, that means if he dies, a Jew will be the president, and I just can't vote a Jew into the presidency."
(A 20 minute speech on "How the Jews Killed Jesus" followed.)
Jennifer: Did Ralph Nader get your vote, Kalman?
Kalman: Yeah, if vote is a four letter word for penis.
"Woo-ooo. You a hot little daddy.... ten years old and you already got two women!""
Waitress to a short fellow of my acquaintence
"Go to hell. Take your friend."
"The Practice"
"Are you a leftie or a rightie?... My boyfriend is a
switch-hitter."
Catherine on her boyfriend's masturbatory preferences
"The plot starts to breed in the bright broth of a rain puddle."
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"Paronomasia is a kind of verbal plague, a contagious sickness in the world of words; no wonder they are monstrously and ineptly distorted in Padukgrad, where everybody is merely an anagram of everybody else."
Vladimir Nabokov, Bend Sinister
"Yeah, go tell everyone that today’s dinner conversation centered around female pubic hair."
Skip
"You look at National Geographic and see the naked women from Guinea with breasts down to their knees, and when you’re twelve you’re just like, wow. It prepares you for when you get a subscription to Playboy, and then you’re like, oh, so that’s what they’re supposed to look like."
Chester
"I’m a lyrical gangsta!"
Mark, inexplicably, while writing Russian words phonetically
"Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined That Listening to This Album May Cause High Butt Pleasures."
"Booty’s Rubber Band" album cover (it’s George Clinton... need I say more?)
"It’s like a Hitchcock movie: They throw you in a rubber bag and put you in the trunk... and you find people."
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"It’s a Zen thing. It’s like, ‘How many babies fit in the tire?’"
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"Showbiz people, y’know, they gotta have another life."
"Waiting for Guffman"
From Contingency, Irony, and Solidarity:
"Ironists are people put into ‘position which Sartre called meta-stable’: never quite able to take themselves seriously because always aware that the terms in which they describe themselves are subject to change, always aware of the contingency an fragility of their final vocabularies, and thus of themselves."
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"Beauty, depending as it does on giving shape to a multiplicity, is notoriously transitory, because it is likely to be destroyed when new elements are added to that multiplicity. Beauty requires a frame, and death will provide that frame."
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From a 1998 interview in the "Atlantic Monthly":
"Well, I tried to do this in an article in The Nation a while back. The things I listed were campaign financing, health care, and local financing of primary and secondary education. But that's a fairly arbitrary choice. My feeling is that as long as you pay the legislators salaries that are minute in comparison to what their peers are earning in business and law, and require them to raise 25 million bucks for TV ads to get re-elected, the country will in effect be on sale. The level of bribery at this point has become so ridiculous and so accepted that unless that breaks there's just not much hope for democratic government. I think this is very widely believed among the electorate. But I don't think either party intends to do a damn thing about it."
Richard Rorty, my hero
’Nia: The R.A.’s don’t check the Voorhies chapel because they think it’s really scary.
Jennifer: Yeah, so don’t go die in there.
CK’s quotes!
"You’re telling me that a girl can have sex with you and not laugh the whole time?"
Brad
Kalman: She was the one deflowered... Boys don’t have petals!
Jennifer: Why do you always say things like that when I have something in my mouth?!?
Brad: (to Susan) Just hold still, it won’t hurt.
Jennifer: Yeah well that’s what they all say.
On the ranking with letters of stars according to temperature:
"Make up your own acronym! This is called self-empowerment! Try to keep it clean; it’s nice to be able to use this in polite company."
Professor McQueen
"When interests are retarded, we call them 'special' interests. The gun lobby is a well-known example of such a thing."
thespark.com
"Three schoolteachers were killed in a car wreck in Auburn yesterday. That leaves an opening for your mom."
Unk, probably perfectly serious, looking on the bright side of my mom's teaching job search
"The most important question is not, 'Why am I ill?' but, 'Now that I am ill, how can I use this illness to become more self-aware, more compassionate, and more oriented towards service?'"
my E-mazing horoscope
"I'm not chewing up anything for my grandma!"
Mary Evelyn
Mary Evelyn: "I'd be a great grandmother!"
Catherine: "Yeah, instead of giving them cookies, you'll give them crack!"
"One of these days I am gonna tie you down."
Bryan, meaning several things, scarily enough
"I wish your name were Richard."
Susan, inscrutably, to Eve
At the drive-thru:
Taco Bell: Would you like to try a Chalupa?
Catherine: YES I WOULD!!!
Catherine: You're corrupting Robert and trying to make him kiss Eve!
Perryn: He has this look about him like a plucked chicken!