"How about the 100 Least-Asked FAQ?"
Eve
Brad's Horrible Joke Corner:
What did the blind, dumb, deaf paraplegic get for Christmas?
Cancer.
***
A priest, a rabbi, a nun and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
"Damn everything but the circus."
Corlita Kent
"If it weren't for the fact that he's a Baroque painter, we'd call him a Renaissance
man."
Prof. Coonin
"My brothers and I all have the same sex drive. For instance, my older brother
doesn't control his; he'll do anything that moves! And my younger brother..."
Prof. Shade, mercifully cut off by class ending and the sounds of fleeing
sophomores
"No is just like the opposite of Yes."
Prof. Mutzi patiently explaining things to stupid freshman in Italian
class
"Say I'm addicted to heroin and I have to decide whether to shoot up this time."
Prof. Lacy, world's driest man
"We are all formed of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly--that is the first law of nature."
Voltaire
"He felt small and weak. When would he be like the fellows in Poetry and
Rhetoric? They had big voices and big boots and they studied trigonometry."
***
"His fingers trembled as he undressed himself in the dormitory. He told his
fingers to hurry up. He had to undress and then kneel and say his own prayers
and be in bed before the gas was lowered so that he might not go to hell when
he died."
***
"No, it was best to hide out of the way because when you were small and young
you could often escape that way."
James Joyce, Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
"But listen you, i should get out of here before AOL shuts me down again, makes me pissed, sorry to be an American online and all that."
Art to Rez
"It was a miracle I even got out of Lumlord alive,
This town full of men with big mouths and no guts.
I mean can you just picture it:
The whole third floor of the hotel gutted by the blast,
And the street below showered in shards of broken glass;
And all the drunks pourin' out of the dance halls starin' up at the smoke and
the flames;
And the blind pencil seller wavin' his stick shoutin' for his dog that lay dead
by the side of the road;
And me, if you can believe this,
at the wheel of the car, closin' my eyes and actually prayin',
not to God above, but to you...."
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
"God takes care of old folks and fools,
while the devil takes care of all the rules."
Public Enemy, "He Got Game"
"Fools are my theme, let satire be my song."
Lord Byron
"Once blasphemy against God was the greatest blasphemy; but God died, and
therewith also those blasphemers. To blaspheme the earth is now the
dreadfulest sin, and to rate the heart of the unknowable higher than the meaning
of the earth."
***
"Verily, a polluted stream is man. One must be a sea, to receive a polluted
stream without becoming impure."
***
"A little poison now and then: that maketh pleasant dreams. And much poison at
last for a pleasant death."
Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spake Zaranthustra
"I just wanna play on my my handpipes
I just wanna drink me some wine
As soon as you're born you start dying,
So you might as well have a good time."
Cake
"...The tomato is disposed to produce the appropriate kind of colour-experience
in the relevant class of observers in the relevant sorts of condition."
John Foster, The Immaterial Self
(who says metaphysics isn't funny?)
"...my roommate's boyfriend gave her a fishtank to maintain her little goldfish,
who swims around like a crazed, lonely beast in his empire of room-temperature
water. the light illuminating the tank at night shines through the liquid. my bed
is down the fish tank's wall of the room, with the head in the middle of the room
and my eyes seeing that wall before i sleep. my wardrobe juts out in front of the
fish's dresser. after studying my baroque art one night and closing my eyes, i
noticed a caravaggio effect on the room--the warm white light cutting in browns
through the darkness and casting firm rays towards the window. i expect to look
up one night to see a figure from the new testament backlit while checking his or
her email on shannon's computer, and a little netherlandish man behind me
holding a palette, clinking his enduring brush gently against the sides of a glass
jar of turpentine. gosh i love painting."
Eve in email to Jennifer & Michelle
"I do not give you posterity as a pattern to imitate, but as an example to deter."
Junius
"He is not only dull himself, but the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson, reminding me of quite a few people