When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like
"data input" and "beta version." They confused
me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about,
what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.
Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few
years, I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share
my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief,
handy glossary:
Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first
step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't
work."
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before
it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer
was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British
scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolph Hitler, Duffy disguised
himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to
the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolph
became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format"
error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's
death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's
engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a
tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil
if the machine is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on
speed if it's a 486.
Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory
is where all files that you need disappear to.
Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers
to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable
name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file
cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet
gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related
object that can be kicked or battered.
Help. The feature that assists in generating more
questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are
able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where
they started from without learning anything.
Input/Output. Information is input from the keyboard
as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable
junk.
Interim Release. A programmer's feeble attempt at
repentance.
Memory. Of computer components, the most generous
in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists
of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the
blinking red light.
Programmers. Computer avengers. Once members of that
group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played
Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires
who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on
whoever gave them noogies.
Reference Manual. Object that raises the monitor
to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date. A carefully calculated date
determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting
six months from it.
User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device
or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.