[This story is about a "Seattle Care Package" of various
caffine- loaded foodstuffs sent from the Microsoft Bellevue product
support site to their sister sites in Texas and North Carolina...]
The ABU support team in Bellevue recently sent care packages of
Starbuck's coffee, chocolate covered coffee beans, and Frangos
to the North Carolina and Texas ABU teams. This is one NC engineer's
[brilliant] account of how it was received....
Bruce,
I say, the care package you sent was a big hit here, thanks! Below
is a chronological description of the care package consumption:
Sometime before Friday: The Care package arrives. I resist all
temptation to open the package and consume an entire box of Frangos.
Very impressive.
Friday 9:45 AM: I arrive early to work and open the care package
that was hidden under my desk. I 'm amazed at all the good stuff
in side, but somewhat disappointed to find that there were two
boxes of Frango (or what ever they are calling them now) chocolate
mints: I could have eaten a box and nobody would have known.
Oh well. I make a pot of coffee using the robust Yukon blend,
and eat three or four chocolate covered expresso beans. I send
a message to the group announcing the goodies.
10:00 AM: The pot of coffee is gone and Erika, my manager, makes
another, which of course I have to sample. All the items are
a big hit with everybody so far, except the chocolate covered
expresso beans, which are only popular with the real coffee fans
(who absolutely love them). Not letting a good thing go to waste,
I have a couple more, a mint or two, and start on my second cup
of coffee. I notice Erika actually drank two cups from this pot,
and I start to wonder how I could approach my manager about making
sure she leaves enough coffee for the rest of the queue.
10:10 AM: The pot of coffee is out again so Harvey makes another.
I of course must sample the Cafe Verona blend and indulge in
a few more chocolate covered expresso beans. Erika again drinks
two more cups of coffee. I frown but say nothing and in my depression
eat another Frango chocolate mint.
10:30 AM: There has been a single cup of coffee left for some
time, and not to let it go to waste, I drink it.
11:00 AM: Kevin sees the empty coffee pot so he makes another,
and then fills my cup under protest. Erika again drops by and
fills her mug, and pilfers some chocolate covered espresso beans.
For some strange reason, my typing speed has increased from,
say, 25 WPM to 60 WPM,
11:45 AM: For some (unknown) reason, I feel agitated. To bleed
of all the excess energy coming from nowhere, I do 92 pushups
while helping a University of Oregon grad student with Excel.
Out the window I notice Erika is on her second lap running around
the building. After all that exercise, I feel thirsty, so I drink
another cup of coffee and for a snack down a few more chocolate
covered expresso beans.
12:10 PM: I now notice that there are people dropping by my cube
that usually don't, in fact, I've seen the entire queue come by
and sample some goodies. I try to chat, but for some reason people
seem interested in just sampling the various yummy Frangos and
the chocolate-almond mocha's. Erika stops by for more coffee
and we exchange unpleasantries. I don't recall the exact conversation,
but I do remember the phrases "useless stingy middle-manager"
and "whinny engineer". For therapy I eat a few more
chocolate covered expresso beans and try to look up how to make
a car bomb on Internet's rec.pursuits.anarchy.
1:00 PM: I skip lunch, but do drink another cup of coffee and
make another pot by request. Getting bored, I pick up the Charlotte
phone book and start dialing people at random, asking if they
need any help with Excel. Erika comes by for another cup of coffee.
I miss her with the stapler, but she wings me a good one with
one of those cube coat hooks.
2:00 PM: The entire queue, I believe, is wired with caffeine
and sugar. I, being a Seattle native, am immune to these effects.
Mike is 10 minutes into teaching his 2nd impromptu aerobics class.
It is very interesting to watch engineers do jumping jacks while
holding their Aspect phones.
3:00 PM: Harvey has built a small shrine for the coffee pot in
the empty cube next to me, and the low humming has started to
get on my nerves: "Huummmmm <sip> Hummmm <sip>
Hummmmm <sip>." Some people, I swear.
3:30 PM: The Starbucks Guatemalan blend has been polished off,
and a fight has ensued in the hallway on whether to ration the
chocolate covered expresso beans for later or continue with the
consumption. Hastily, I build a laser pistol out of my MS Mouse
card and the power supply from my Mac II CI, and the fight quickly
ends. Mike shows up and drags the unconscious rebels back to
their desks.
4:00 PM: If I could just talk to the cleaning people into lending
me some Drain-O, I can complete the car bomb before Erika goes
home. The coffee pot is empty again so of course I make another.
Nice guy that I am, I drink a cup to sample the brew and deem
it Most Excellent. I have a couple of Frango mints to compensate
for skipping lunch.
5:00 PM: Kevin informs me that Erika has been slipping by in
camouflage spandex to siphon off coffee with a long straw. I
thank him for this valuable intelligence information. In a time-honored
Seattle Male Bonding Ritual, we eat 5 chocolate covered expresso
beans each.
6:15 PM: I send mail to the entire queue announcing a fresh pot
of coffee (after drinking a cup first) and await Erika to sneak
by with glee.
6:20 PM: I caught Erika red-handed. I dodge the pen she tried
to stab me with, and landed a good blow to her left kidney. As
she is crawling back to her desk I hear her mumble something about
"time to write a review".
6:25 PM I panic and in desperation, log on to the mail server
with a VTP connection. I hack my way into Erika's Xenix mail spool
file and quickly write, in the Xenix Borne C Shell, a program
that will send an email message every 30 seconds using Erika's
email name. I address it to the only people on campus at the
time, Corporate Security, and title the message, "I Want
Bill Gate's Love Child!". I "cc" ingate!ALL@ibm.com
and ingate!JScully@apple.com just for giggles and grins.
7:30 PM: Two security guards show up, one drags Erika away and
the other starts packing her desk. I laugh hideously at her shrieks
of protest, and in celebration jump in my girl friend's sports
car and drive around the Charlotte Coliseum several times at 120
MPH.
8:00 PM: I'm feeling really tired. Kevin points out that there
still an entire box of chocolate covered expresso beans left.
Not wanting them to go to waste, we each eat half a box.
9:00 PM After successfully typing my 3rd impromptu novel while helping Betty from Orlando with a data consolidation, Mike announces that the queue has been shut off. After the phone call I drink 14 complementary beers, and for some unknown reason, still couldn't get to sleep that night.