The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently
been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers".
Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to
become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may
request the service of a proxy father - a government employee
who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the
wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father
is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm
off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later
a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell................
Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but
I've come to....."
Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of
babies, especially twins."
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please
come in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the
idea?"
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both
agree this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in
the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spreadout."
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't
worked for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good
one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from
six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.
In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease
and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes,
but you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just
look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of
a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins
in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her
down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked
under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around
four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited
she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd.
I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of
men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and
I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on
my equipment I just packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh..,
equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work.
I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my
patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the
front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my
tripod so that we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!