WebWank Extensions to HTML!

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W E B W A N K I N T E R N A T I O N A L

"SGML? WHO NEEDS IT?!"

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p r e s e n t s

WebWank Extensions to HTML!

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WebWank International is proud to present its latest extensions to the HTML language. Even though the W3O refuses to make mention of us except in dirty scrawlings on the bathroom stalls at MIT, we're working very, very, very closely with them to make sure that OUR extensions to HTML make it into HTML 3.0. Forget style sheets -- they're too hard! We know you'd *much* rather spend oodles of time working in a half-baked language for hours on end trying to achieve that "perfect" effect -- only to find that WebWank for TI-99/4 computers makes it look totally different!

Oh, and don't forget -- when you have a document created with WebWank Extensions, we'll give you the legal right and privilege to display a 16x16 copy of our logo on your page!

And now, without any further ado, WebWank International is proud to present our glorious extensions to HTML (which have, of course, been carefully designed not to screw up people with inferior browsers):

THE TAGS

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<WANK>

This tag, perhaps our finest, *automatically* inserts the following sentence into your document:

This page looks best with WebWank 4.5.1Q, and if you don't have it, you can download it by clicking (because we know that the only people worthy of using the Web are those who can do it with a mouse) HERE!

(Note: We expect, as WebWank Extensions take momentum, that other browsers will automatically absorb the <WANK> tag.)

<ROLLING>

Inserting your text between <ROLLING>...</ROLLING> renders it in 3-D and makes it spin around and around, creating a wonderful effect that all your readers are sure to like! (We strongly suggest you also include the <BARFBAG> tag, which creates a button at the bottom which signals your local WebWank International office to ship your reader a barf-bag for future sessions. We are only too happy to provide this service.)

<FLY PATTERN=LOOP|FIGURE_EIGHT|FALL|HOVER|ZIP>

You say your text doesn't move people like it used to? Well, you can make them move -- their eyes at least -- with this all new tag! Text inserted between <FLY>...</FLY> tags lifts off right off the page, floating around your desktop like a swarm of flies! (Note: We expect to include a <FLYSWATTER> tag in a future revision of WebWank.)

<AUTOPRINT>

Jealous of those people in direct-mail advertising who always have their documents lying around their target audience's desk for months? Well, with this tag, you can have that same influence! Won't your users be surprised when their printer starts spitting out pages after pages of your product literature, or political ideas? For an example of how well this works, drop by our home page, and get a free copy of "War and Peace", set in 20-point Times Roman for the visually impaired!

<HEY!>

The <HEY!> tag creates a little button for all those users who would complain that they can't read your pages because they're using an inferior browser! They think they're getting to you, but instead, you can use the mailing list it generates to tell them all about your products!

THE ATTRIBUTES

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<HTML AUTOPRINT>

Works just like the <AUTOPRINT> tag, but instead of the enclosed text, this nifty little attribute prints your whole HTML document!

<HTML SUPER-SECURE>

Our method uses a 65,536-bit key, unlike those woosy little 128-bit keys used by our competition! Your readers will sleep safely at night knowing that their credit card information can only be cracked by a Cray II (which we absolutely *know* no U.C.-Berkeley students can get their hands on)! (Note: due to the extreme length of the key, decoding will take about an hour on a Pentium-133.)

<BODY UNREADABLE>

This attribute to the BODY tag saves you the trouble of coming up with bad color and background choices that make your pages unreadable on anything but a 1280x1024, 24-bit color system! For added effect, you can use multiple <BODY> tags (unlike our unmentionable competitor, whose latest product introduced a bug that won't let you), along with the WAITFORIT attribute, that gives your reader a five-second glimpse of what the page really says -- then takes it away from them! Look at the following code sample:

Your readers will squeal with delight, reloading your page again and again! After all, if the Web wasn't created for fun, what was it created for?

<BODY BLINKON=time BLINKOFF=time>

Not satisfied with just a plain old header blinking? Make your whole document stand out with these all-new attributes! The BLINKON and BLINKOFF specify times that your document is visible and not visible!

<IMG ALIGN=...>

Well, now that (an unmentionable undergraduate student) has royally screwed up the IMG ALIGN attribute, we've decided to specify our whole new list of ALIGN values:

absmiddledent Aligns the absolute middle of your image with the middle of the dent on the lowercase letter "r".

absbottomtail Aligns the bottom of your image with the tip of the tail on the uppercase letter "Q".

ulcorner urcorner llcorner lrcorner No matter where you put the IMG tag, the -corner tags make sure that your image shows up in the appropriate corner of your document! Great for company logos, when you're just too lazy to get them in the right place!

desktop If you're not satisfied with your image being the background to your document, you can replace your reader's desktop pattern with the image you specify! Long after you've closed your copy of WebWank, your readers will remember their visit to your page! (Note: will not work on computers without a desktop.)

Needless to say, WebWank Extensions are the way to go on the Web now! We hope that using them gives your page the extra pizazz it needs to stand out from the documents full of only boring words. We know that the future of the 'net isn't as a global library of information, but rather, a gigantic mall and playground, where you can forget about the real world.

See you on our Web!

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freely -- but without modification. Flames will be cheerfully ignored (unless

they're really stupid, then I reserve the right to flame you back.)

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