"The Satellite of 'Dite,

the Fanfic of Riffing Other Fanfics"

By: Jaimielée Rocket and Maelstrom

EMAIL: jaimielee_rocket@hotmail.com

Disclaimer I: To whom this concerns, it belongs to you!

Smut: Uh~ debated

Violence: Hm~ debated

Episode Nine: All That Matters,

Kasey Thanks Binky For His Assistance"

Disclaimer II: Jessica and Cleo belong to me, Kasey belongs to Maelstrom and Angie belongs to She-wolf or Bardokmegami. "All That Matters" is owned by icecube/Verna (who's from CANADA and not BRITAIN ^_^) Oh, and all the bad guys, Rob-tachi, sort of belong to me, the idea of them torturing us. But Professor Prime and so on ARE mine, so stay away!!!! Rob, I suppose, would belong to himself, but that's confusing for me to figure out so let's just continue.

A Big Thanks: Thank you, Verna! This is the second of three 'fics you sent me and you have the kind of story telling where you'll write about anything you damn well please, bulimia and homosexuality, (ahem, I have a story from her about that ^_^;;), and Meowth humping lasers, and not care what others think. I like this story 'coz of the horse named "Binky" (lol) and when Meowth shouted "You're DEAD! D-E-D, dead!" It reminded me of this thing from Lunatics: A Love Story, so that's where that riff is from. Might I suggest that, Ted Raimi's in it, for Joxer fans, B, Romantic/Comedy movie. It's about a man who sees pretty scary things like needles, who chances a meeting with this paranoid woman who thinks she's bad luck. Fall in love, and he risks going out into the real world to find her after she left. A real acting breakthrough for Raimi-san in his pre-Xena days, (in my "high" opinion). Look for the part where Good Ted bends over, for the lady's, and the tin foil armor is funny! Ooops, went off track . . .

Review Crew: Who shall be the people for today? Kasey, hmmmm, the ever-tortured Vegeta and . . . let's put Shampoo and Mousse back in. See, I TOLD you they'd be back. (Mostly because I can't think of anyone else to put in there . . .)

~*~*~*~*~*~

At the Captain's Counter in Room 7, sat Kasey, James and Cleo. Only Cleo was crying because she and James figured something out. They would take shifts, one of them crying while the other takes a break and replenishes their body with water and energy. It was Cleo's turn to sob for the missing Jessica, so James held a pleasant conversation with Miss Kasey.

The redhead held out a corner of her red flannel. "What kind of flannel shirt do you think I look good in? What plaid pattern?"

James thought for a moment, then answered, "I'd say the red and brown that you got on now. It matches your reddish-orangish hair. Plus, you like to wear black T-shirts a lot, and that matches perfectly with the red, better than with the green and brown pattern."

Kasey nodded. "I always thought so, too. I thought I'd nearly die when the elbow got ripped while I was fighting Cassidy's Raticate. Maybe next time I battle I should use my OWN Pokémon. . . . What about my pants? What do you think looks better with the flannel?"

"Well, that's the good thing about that, just about anything can go with it. Blue jeans, black jeans, khakis, but I'd stay away from something like purple corduroys."

Kasey grimaced as James did at the thought. "I would never have anyway." She pulled back her long hair. "What about my hair? My mom always wanted to cut it short, but I'd put up the greatest hissy fit you'd ever seen when she suggested that, so it was never cut except for spilt ends. But lately, I've been wondering what it'd look like cut as short as, say, yours?"

"Nah." he answered, frowning. "It would hang listlessly . . . like Nabiki's"

"Eww! Well, I mean, it looks fine on HER but ME? Ech!"

"Yeah."

There was a pause as Kasey thought of what to say next. When she decided to talk about her glasses, she saw James' light green eyes widen in surprise. "What's the matter, James?"

"Jessie, don't!" he shouted fearfully.

But whatever he was trying to warn against wasn't quick enough, and Kasey felt something wet and extremely COLD pour onto her back. She shrieked and leapt to her feet, shaking her shirt out to make all the ice cubes fall out that had slipped in. "What in the world IS this?!" she demanded as she spun around.

Standing behind her chair was Jessie, Vegeta and a giggling chibi-Goku on Kin-To'un. Between the three of them they held a large drink container, like the kind you see at football games at the teams' bench with the logo "Gatorade" on it. They were all laughing heartily at Kasey's expense, and all three wore padded shoulder guards and black grease paint under their eyes, and Jessie and Vegeta wore shin guards.

"What? Why did you DO that for!" the Captain hollered, wringing out her flannel.

Jessie stepped forward to explain, leaving the two Saiyjins to hold the Gatorade jug. "Well, it's simple! The Pokémon people were really bored with battling, so we got together to think of something. Except for James, since it was his turn to cry during that moment of time." She shot him a glare and he stuck out his tongue. "Anyway, after arguing and fighting for a bit, we finally decided to try a team effort and we made up this really neat, new sport! We call it 'Fast Throw'!"

Vegeta told chibi-Goku to take the jug as he continued the explanation. "They came and told the rest of us about it and we thought it sounded quite fun. You take a Voltorb, piss it off, and throw it around while trying to get to your goal. If the Voltorb explodes in your hands, you hafta heal it, then go back to the center yard line and start again! You can also tackle people to make the Voltorb explode while they hold it. Thus the gear," he patted the shoulder guards. "The men also hafta wear cups 'coz we discovered that Jessie likes to kick somewhere where she shouldn't be kicking."

She shrugged. "It makes them grip the Voltorb harder and makes it explode."

"So, it's like a mix of Hot Potato and football!" James offered, pleased that he had made that comparison.

"Basically," Jessie nodded.

"Ooo!" He jumped to his feet and pressed his hands together. "I wanna play!"

"Oh, did you guys win, so you dumped Gatorade on me in celebration?" Kasey asked, now all sticky and smelling of strawberry.

"No," Jessie answered. "We were just so happy that we had finally found something new to do on the satellite that we just HAD to pour Gatorade on someone!"

"Then how did you find out that Jessie liked to kick a guy in the jewels while holding the Voltorb?"

"Poor Ranma and Tenchi had been innocently holding the Voltorb and Jessie suddenly ran up and kicked them," Vegeta replied.

The girl shrugged again. "It's really fun to watch them squirm and then get blown up!"

"Well, I wanna play!" Kasey announced happily.

"But just then, a voice said, "Sorry, but you can't today, Captain, dear!"

All four of them, (Cleo still crying as all this went on), turned to the Comm Port. It had been ringing but no one had paid it any heed, so Camhapry had clicked it on without an order from anyone. It was, of course, Rob Tapert.

Vegeta groaned. "It's fanfic time, isn't it?"

"Yup," Rob simply answered. "I'm bored. We're still lost, the festival will start soon and we won't be there on time because my stupid Primeape can't navigate!"

Professor Prime stepped up and protested loudly to this. "I told you that we Primapes don't have a good sense of direction! That's why we sometimes wander into cities, or into volcanoes."

"I thought it was because you were stupid," Rob muttered. "Look, leave me alone and go play with Persian." Off screen, there was a loud howl of objection from the classy cat as Prime went stomping over in that direction, giggling. "I need something to cheer me up. I've taken care of Jessica's fanfic, and Angie's, now it's your turn." He picked up a disk and stared ar it dully while leaning on his arm. "This one is called 'All That Matters', written by icecube, otherwise known as Verna. Angie had the pleasure of reading one of her stories, now it's your turn. icecube is a gal who thinks she's British, but I guess since she lives in British Columbia . . . anyway, James cheats death . . . at the festival that I'm trying to get to!" He began to sob. He slid the disk into his laptop and began to type a few buttons while crying in despair of never finding civilization ever again. "Enjoy!"

As he pressed "enter", Prime ran up and began to holler in a Primeapish way. "Boss! Boss! Persian and I were fishing with your tackle, and-and, I caught something on my line, and I thought it was another Magikarp, but I caught a- uh- a Gyarados."

"Ooo," James and Jessie flinched, feeling a very little bit sorry for them.

Off to the side, came another howl from Persian and a loud roar. "How'd you catch a GYARADOS!" Rob shrieked.

"I dunno! I just did, and he's pissed!"

There was a shatter and the ship began to tilt to one side. "What happened now?" the man groaned, grabbing onto his precious laptop.

His Persian scampered up the deck, digging his claws into the wood to keep from sliding down. "Persian purrr, persian!"

"He said Gyarados got free of the line and smashed in the side of the ship using Water Gun," Professor prime translated helpfully.

Rob sighed and began to search for a life raft. He then remembered the SoD, and he said, "Don't think you'll get out of reading the fanfic for this, because you won't! Once that sign goes off, go in the theater. If four of you don't, you'll regret it!" Having said that, he clicked off the Comm Port.

"Poor guy," James muttered. "He'll probably die in the shipwreck."

"Oh, how sad," Vegeta replied with mock concern in his voice.

"Yeah, it will be," the blue-haired boy continued. "Because if he dies, we'll never be able to get home."

Everyone was silent for a moment, then they shook off that thought. "I'm sure Rob will survive," Kasey told them reasonably. "Besides, if he does die, he'll find a way to come back alive . . . just like he did on 'Xena' for recurring characters. Now, let's play some Fast Throw!"

They all cheered and they ran to the group of characters that were standing in the middle of a makeshift field with the hastily constructed bleachers from Episode 6 surrounding it. Kasey and Vegeta joined in the line-up, standing next to Shampoo and Mousse at the end of the line. But just as Jessie and James, the two self-appointed team captains, were about to pick, the fanfic sign began to go off. Kasey shouted something not repeatable. "Who wants to go in with me?" she called.

Everyone backed away from her, except for Vegeta, (and that was because she had a firm grip on his arm), and Shampoo and Mousse, and that was because Mousse had been glomping on the poor girl/cat, and she had been busy trying to pry him off. "Okay, good! Come on, you three brave souls." She dragged the struggling Vegeta and the confused Shampoo and Mousse off into the theater. "Hold the game until we come out!" she called behind her before entering the theater hallway.

~*~*~*~*~*~

(all enter, Kasey sits in the first seat, Shampoo and Mousse in the second and third seats, then Vegeta in the last seat. Everyone's gear can be seen in the shadow, even Shampoo's helmet that she hadn't bothered to remove.)

SHAMPOO: Sigh~ So what Shampoo read now, Cap'n?

KASEY: All That Matters.

MOUSSE: All that matters is that I get out of the theater!

(He stands and dashes out the theater door before anyone can stop him)

VEGETAL Oh, great. Rob's gonna shoot him now.

KASEY: Nah, he won't even make it past the theater hallway.

SHAMPOO: Why Kasey say that?

KASEY: You'll see.

(Mousse re-enters, gasping and holding his throat. He collapses in his chair)

MOUSSE: Did you know that Rob removes all the oxygen from the hallway once we enter the theater?!

KASEY: Yes.

MOUSSE: Why didn't you warn me?

KASEY: Morons need examples to teach them.

MOUSSE: You're a sucky Cap'n, you know that.

KASEY: I don't care.

Pokémon story and characters not mine but uhm... Nintendo's.

KASEY: And don't forget about Satan!

"Death" belongs to Pratchett, not me.

MOUSSE: *Nurse* Pratchett?

VEGETA: No, she means Sussan L. Pratchett from Utah. She bought the rights to Death.

SHAMPOO: Great, now when Shampoo die, Shampoo must pay someone?

Using 'em for my own amusement (and amusement of others)

KASEY: I always find it amusing when someone dies.

I am, and not in any way do I intend to make money out of this, so-- please don't sue.

MOUSSE: (author) Hehehehe . . . suckers, I'm actually getting billions offa this.

(Author's note)

VEGETA: But I didn't bring a pen and paper to take notes with!

Now listen closely...

SHAMPOO: (stands and pressed ear against the screen) This close enough?

What would

SHAMPOO: Ack! (backs away holding head) That loud!

happen if the Ghost at Maiden's Peak had actually lured James off the cliff and he had drowned?

KASEY: (author) And what would happen if I stick my head inside a gas stove when it is on?

This is sort-of my alternate universe ending vignette. Whee.

ALL: Huzzah.

Let the story begin:

MOUSSE: Now, let the story end.

All That Matters

VEGETA: All that matters is if my sleeping pills work-- 'coz I took some before entering the theater.

SHAMPOO: That unfair! Shampoo want some!

VEGETA: Don't worry. I think they were Smarties instead of sleeping pills.

Come to me, my love.

KASEY: Isn't that a song?

MOUSSE: Sung by the Backstreet Boys?

KASEY: NEVER mention their name in my presence again!

The Maiden called to them, her voice full of longing.

VEGETA: *Is* this a Pokémon 'fic?

SHAMPOO: It Maid Mariam! She want Robin.

KASEY: She must find the one with the key.

She wanted her love, wanted to be free of the burden that she had carried for so long.

VEGETA: The burden of the cross that he gave to her. He- he- he ought to know.

MOUSSE: I wonder if he feels it when she scratches her nails down someone's back. Does he feel it?

She wanted him, the One that would go with her to Heaven, that she may finally have her Soul's rest.

I've waited so long.... Come to me.

KASEY: (ghost) I've been waiting for my pizza for fifty fricken minutes!

"Nooo!" Wept James. "I don't want to go! I don't want to gooooo!"

MOUSSE: He doesn't want to go to grandma's house.

VEGETA: I don't blame him, she smells funny.

He held on to the railing.

"You mean you don't want to go to her?" Jessie's voice betrayed her amazement. "I thought you loved her?" Earlier on that day, both James and Brock had professed their mutal love for the Ghost of Maiden's Peak.

SHAMPOO: . . . while making lewd gesture.

KASEY: I guess I would profess my love for a ghost if he let me grope him.

"Noo!" James cried,

VEGETA: (James) She had hard candy! I love hard candy! You misunderstood!

clasping his hands together in a prayer-like formation.

MOUSSE: (James) O sweet holy God of Pokémon, save me from this wrath.

SHAMPOO: All Mighty Pikachu descended upon him.

KASEY: (James) Oh, great. Well, I'm screwed.

"I don't want to go, I don't wanna!" He started floating away.

VEGETA: Love is lifting him off where he belongs, even if he doesn't want to go.

Yes.

SHAMPOO: (ghost) Me like pudding. Yes.

I've been waiting for so long.

SHAMPOO: (ghost) . . . for some pudding.

Come to me-now, hurry. Before the sun comes

SHAMPOO: (ghost) . . . and hardens the pudding.

KASEY: That's enough of the pudding jokes.

and we are forever parted.

"Yes mistress...." Brock drooled.

"Aiiiee!

MOUSSE: (dully) Aiiiee . . .

NO, Brock-you can't!" Misty held onto his legs as Ash held onto her with one hand,

SHAMPOO: Hentai! No there, Ash!

and the door with another.

"Misty! I'm gonna try an' pull you guys inside now!" The baseball-capped kid yelled. "Just hold onta Brock real tight!"

KASEY: (Ash) No, wait! Just lemme throw a barrel at it, Doc!

"I am, I am!"

"James! Come back!"

MOUSSE: Narration! Come back!

"I don' wanna go-I don't wannaaaa...." James landed on the very edge of the peak, beside the stone figure of the Maiden. "Huh?"

This step you must take yourself. You must be strong enough to come to me.

VEGETA: Every boy must take this step to finally become a man.

The Maiden appeared before him, arms outstretched.

KASEY: (ghost) The pain you will feel will be THIS much.

She looked so radiant, so beautiful-illuminated in the moonlight, sweet tendrils of phosphorescent hair playing in the wind as she laughed daintily.

SHAMPOO: She a fiber optic music box!

I am so glad that you came. Come to me.

James backed away a few steps. "No! I don't want to!" He spat.

MOUSSE: (James) Oh, sorry. A bug flew in there. Ptew.

"You can't have me!"

VEGETA: (James) But once you've had the best, you don't want to try the rest. Sorry, babe.

The maiden dissolved,

KASEY: Who knew that ghosts melt from water like the Wicked Witch of the West!

and something else took her place.

We'll see about that.

James's legs seemed to be moving of their own accord. He squealed in horror and fought against every step. "No, no no! I don't want to go! Jessie! Meowth! Help! Helllllp!"

He stepped off the cliff.

Jessie screamed.

SHAMPOO: (Jessie) My NAIIIIIL! Me break it!!!

Waves crashed against rocks.

MOUSSE: A tiger attacked.

VEGETA: A meteor crashed.

KASEY: And the fanfic ended.

The ghastly was laughing at him but he was too busy falling to feel anger.

SHAMPOO: "The ghastly"?

MOUSSE: The ghastly, the gruesome, the sickeningly cuteness, it can mean only one thing. It's time for Pokémon.

There was a warning spray of water against his face and then he hit the water.

VEGETA: Ouch. He was sprayed with pepper spray.

SHAMPOO: Ocean tired of being taken for grant, decide to fight back.

MOUSSE: (ocean) Take THAT you stupid oil riggers!

KASEY: (ocean) And you, too, damn nudists!

The breath he'd taken would last a minute or so but he couldn't control which way he was swimming.

VEGETA: If only he hadn't smoked so much in his life.

James felt himself being propelled backwards into the rocks.

SHAMPOO: It called "waves", baka.

Bubbles burst in large frothy clouds in front of him.

MOUSSE: Bubbles from the Power Puff Girls? Omigod, the humanity!

KASEY: I see a bunny in the clouds. And there's a firetruck.

He felt something sharp and hard connect with his leg, and then he had the air knocked out of him.

VEGETA: Someone deflated the stunt dummy with a needle!

Jessie was running back and forth along the cliff's edge.

SHAMPOO: She mourn by howling at moon.

KASEY: (howling) The Moo-oo-oo-oon! The moo-oo-oo-oon!

"James!" She called out. "Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light? James!"

"It's too late." Brock peeled off a sticker

VEGETA: He decided he was too old to wear a fake sheriff's badge sticker, so he finally took it off.

and pointed to the east. "It's over now. Look."

SHAMPOO: (Brock, deep voice, sings) The sun is arisin'!

KASEY: (sun) Nothing says morning like two scoops of raisins.

He couldn't help but feel a bit guilty because of the way that the Maiden had taken James and not him.

MOUSSE: Aw, hell, he didn't feel guilty, he felt jealous. Why did fem boy get all the good looking girls?

James hadn't really wanted to go,

VEGETA: . . . he was scared of ponies, but they made him ride anyway.

but at the time, Brock had. In a way he still did. It didn't seem right that James was the one who had to pay....

SHAMPOO: It BROCK'S library fine, but he threaten James into paying.

Then again, Team Rocket *was* evil.

VEGETA: THEY ARE NOT EVIL!!!

KASEY: Well, that proves it. The heroes truly are sadistic and cruel.

The sun rose.

MOUSSE: (deep voice, sings) And again, the sun is arisin'!

***

KASEY: The sun rose, then the stars came out.

James blinked. Everything was wavy and blurry. He sat up, and at once began to experience what could only be described as a terrible lightness-like he didn't weigh anything at all.

SHAMPOO: He free falling!

It was... unreal.

VEGETA: Then he remembered the two doses of LSD he had tried . . .

He was on a beach somewhere-

MOUSSE: Maybe he had been on the Orinco Flow.

KASEY: Well, Anywhere Is, you know.

there was sand seeping into his boots but he couldn't feel it.

VEGETA: That's because the sand seeping into his pants distracted him from that.

He heard waves, too, but they were far off. Everything seemed dim and unimportant now-it was like he was looking for something.... or someone.

A man dressed all in black was waiting a few paces away.

SHAMPOO: Oh no, it crossover with Men In Black!

ALL: groan~

It was hard to make out his features, but for some reason James didn't find that important.

MOUSSE: Darkman is coming for a visit.

His brain felt like it was going at the speed of a Slowbro.

The man spoke.

YOUR NAMES IS JAMES, IS THAT CORRECT?

ALL: Ouch!

KASEY: Well, that hurts the retnas.

VEGETA: Did icecube want to make sure that we read what this man spoke?

James grinned. He was famous! Being in Team Rocket for all those years must have finally paid off! Jessie and Meowth would be so jealous. "But of course! Naturally, you recognized me for the world-reknowned genius that I am!"

SO. YOU THINK OF YOURSELF AS POPULAR.

"Popular? Women worship me! Men too!"

ALL: Augh!

MOUSSE: Now is icecube insinuating something?

SHAMPOO: (James) Dogs, too! And earth worms!

AND WHY WOULD ANY HUMAN DO THAT?

KASEY: (James) Maybe 'coz I take pictures of them in compromising positions . . .

"Isn't it obvious?" Who did this imbusile think he was, insulting him?

VEGETA: Any given human that he ever met?

"I'm the evil genius, James!

VEGETA: You are not evil. Let alone a genius. You're not even an "I'm", just shut up and end.

From Team Rocket! The handsome one!"

I HAVE SEEN TRUE EVIL.

MOUSSE: (man) It lives in my toilet. I really need someone to come clean it. Will you?

"And I care because...?"

YOU ARE NOT IT.

VEGETA" Thank you! Finally, someone with a brain!

"What?" James blanched. "I'm bad! I'm rotten!

SHAMPOO: (James) Me past expiration date!

I'm as awful as they come!"

MOUSSE: Awfully stupid as they come, you mean.

KNOWING WHAT I KNOW,

KASEY: Which isn't much.

AND BEING WHO I AM,

KASEY: Which isn't that important.

I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.

"I *am* evil!" James protested. How dare the man insult him so? He was from Team Rocket. It was a name that all should fear! In fact, he should do The Speech right then and there to show the man who he was up against.

ARE NOT.

"Am too!"

ARE NOT.

"I am too!"

YOU ARE NOT.

VEGETA: Argh! Shut up and shoot him already!

MOUSSE: I forgot what they were arguing about.

SHAMPOO: Shampoo think James said he Evil Kenevil or something.

KASEY: Oh, I thought he had said he was Dr. Evil.

"Oh yeah, well... you need a new tailor!" James shrieked when he saw a skeletal hand point his way.

VEGETA: James spies a skeletal hand and decides to insult this man further? He's evil as in that he's so dumb that he should be killed to spare the rest.

AND YOU NEED TO LEARN TO RESPECT YOUR ELDERS.

For a moment, the fog cleared in James's brain.

KASEY: (imitates fog horn)

MOUSSE: I see, the fog in his brain clouded his brain's vision, so it crashed into the rocky banks of his head.

He looked around. "Where... where's Jessie?"

SHAMPOO: (man) Me AM Jessie! Bwahahahahhahah!

The black-robed man seemed unimpressed.

VEGETA: (man) I was unimpressed by your stuttering question. Try harder.

I HAVE MET A GREAT MANY MEN WHO HAVE CLAIMED TO BE EVIL. MORE OFTEN THAN NOT IT TURNS OUT TO BE MERELY A CASE OF SELF-DELUSION ON HIS PART. FOR INSTANCE, HAVE YOU EVER KILLED ANYONE?

MOUSSE: Why would anyone claim to be evil while facing DEATH? Isn't that asking to go to Hell first class?

"Uh...." The fog returned. Kill someone? Threaten, sure. Steal? No problem. But actually physically hurt someone? James wasn't sure. But he didn't want the voice to win, either.

KASEY: (James) I squished a butterfly once in cold blood, does that count?

"Yeah. Of course I have! What do you take me for?"

SHAMPOO: A dope who dress in drag? But that guess.

VERY WELL. WHAT METHODS DID YOU USE, THEN? The man's voice was so deep and imposing, it seemed to reverberate throughout James' entire body. It seemed to know who he was and what his answer would be.

MOUSSE: (James) Are you Darth Vader?

VEGETA: If that turns out to be who it is, I think I'll send a mail bomb to this icecube girl.

It was deep and controlling, cool and devoid of emotion, strong and efficient. He was definetly older than James, and he could guess that the mysterious man was older than his parents too.

"Huh?"

KASEY: Geez, this fanfic takes so long to get to the point that I forgot what the original question was!

MOUSSE: I think it was what swimming stroke did James use.

AS IN, DID YOU STRANGLE, MAIM, THROW THEM OFF A CLIFF? HURRY UP, MAN, I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY. YOU AREN'T THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS TO DIE TODAY.

SHAMPOO: Nikita really let 'self go.

"Uh... all of them?" James wasn't expecting to have to show any proof. Lying to the voice was getting harder by the minute.

VEGETA: So instead he decides to make a complete ass of himself and jump through proverbial hoops!

It was like something in him wanted to tell the truth.

KASEY: But then his other side would beat the snot out of that side and he would feel better.

"Wait a minute-what's all this about dying?"

MOUSSE: I dunno, I'm as lost as you are.

The man seemed to be losing patience. LISTEN, he said. I HAVE SEEN TRUE EVIL.

SHAMPOO: And his name is Ken Starr!

ALL: -shudder!-

I HAVE CONFRONTED THE TYPES OF BEINGS THAT WOULD MAKETH MERE MORTALS SOIL THEMSELVES TO LOOK UPON.

VEGETA: (man) So, shut-ith up-ith and stop being-ith an apish motely-minded bull's pizzle!

ALL: Huzzah!

KASEY: I see, he is one of the warriors that say "Ni!"

SO I WILL ASK YOU AGAIN-

MOUSSE: (man) Beef or pork?!

SHAMPOO: (James) F-fish!

DO YOU THINK YOURSELF EVIL?

Something clicked in James' brain. "Eeee! You're Death, aren't you?"

VEGETA: And the million dollar answer is . . .?

The black-robed figure turned about and felt around in a satchel of some sort. Attached to the satchel was an abnormally-coloured Rapidash. Its flames were as white as the rest of it.

KASEY: So, is that a yes or a no? C'mon, pick up the pace!

"Eee! That horse pokémon is FLOATING!" James squealed.

MOUSSE: Aho, it's hooked onto a satchel!

SHAMPOO: (man) Me a little school boy. Help with math?

If he could steal it, The Boss

ALL: Booo!

would give him a raise for sure!

VEGETA: Maybe he could finally eat after ten days of not being able to!

It was just the rare kind of pokémon that Team Rocket specialized in pilfering!

KASEY: They were also experts at purloining and filching!

WHAT? Death turned around. OH. THAT'S JUST BINKY.

ALL: BINKY!?

MOUSSE: It's all going too fast! This hurts!

VEGETA: Death turned Binky the Clown into a Rapidash!

SHAMPOO: Thank God!

KASEY: Binky? Binky. I'm gonna be sick.

"Binky? What kind of name is that for Death's horse?" If he was Death, he'd name his horse something flashy, like Moonlight or Bloodstreak or Hellhorse, or maybe even James, after the most handsome Team Rocket member ever.

KASEY: When James talks in this 'fic I am strangely reminded of Jessica.

MOUSSE: Maybe because she is one of the most egotistical people on the SoD?

KASEY: That could be it . . .

But Binky...?

VEGETA: Maybe Death misses his pacifier.

AND WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS JAMES FOR AN EVIL MURDERER?

SHAMPOO: If you put nifty nickname in front, maybe it work.

KASEY: Mangler, Head-bashing James!

MOUSSE: Baby Slapper, Woman Pincher James!

VEGETA: Head Splitter, Groin Crushing James!

Death pulled the satchel off the rapidash and cursed. THAT'S ODD. IT SHOULD BE IN HERE. DAMN.

SHAMPOO: It okay if he say that. He Death.

KASEY: I just pray to God that Joe Estevez doesn't come onto the scene.

The black-robed entity turned around to look in Binky's other saddlebag.

ALL: Binky . . .

James crept up to the bag that Death had left on the beach and picked it up. Underneath, there was something made of shiny glass that glinted in the sunlight. He picked it up. The sand in it was bright gold, a deeper yellow than the sand beneath his boots.

It was embossed

MOUSSE: Embossed? Is that even a word?

VEGETA: I don't have my dictionary.

KASEY: SOMEONE'S been using the thesaurus.

here and there with odd symbols and emblems, and frequently he could make out something that resembled his family's crest.

SHAMPOO: A chicken with head about be cut off.

Tied around the middle with a piece of brown twine

MOUSSE: Little brown packages wrapped with string, that is one of my favorite things.

was a name tag that read "James" in big swirly handwriting.

There wasn't very much sand left in the top. (Oh dear, this doesn't look good at all.) James grimaced.

KASEY: (James) I'm gonna miss brunch, and I haven't eaten since breakfast!

(I must hide it, before it is too late!)

Death looked up. YOU HAVEN'T HAPPENED TO FIND AN HOURGLASS WITH THE NAME "JAMES" WRITTEN ON IT, HAVE YOU? James laughed. "Hourglass? What hourglass?

SHAMPOO: (Death) The thing in your hand.

I'm sorry but I can't help you, I don't even know what one looks like!"

MOUSSE: Strangely, that doesn't surprise me.

He crossed his fingers and kept the precious item hidden behind his back.

Death looked down again.

VEGETA: (Death) I knew I should have worn my trunks to the beach.

OH.

KASEY: Oh, how sad! He must have loved that hourglass.

The bony old man kept on searching in his satchel.

(I can't die! I'm too young and handsome!) The blue-haired teenager noticed a nearby rock and started edging towards it. (Hee hee hee! I'm never going to die now! Whee!)

ALL: Huzzah!

James hid his lifetimer behind the rock,

SHAMPOO: He secretly big Lifetime fan. He hide membership to club.

MOUSSE: (James) New Attitudes and Oh, Baby! are my favorite shows.

but noticed that it still stood out against the sand. He peeled a baby Star-U

ALL: STARYU!

off of a rock and placed it over the hourglass. (I'm such a genius!) He congratulated himself. (Immortality, here I come! World domination, you're next!)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?

VEGETA: (James) Oh, uh, just a second. (imitates sound of zipper going up)

James froze. "I... I need to go to the bathroom!" He whined.

VEGETA: Hey, cool, I was close.

OH. WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU AREN'T GOING TO DIE TODAY.

KASEY: (James) Oh, darn! Maybe tomorrow then?

SHAMPOO: (Death) It date!

"Well that's just too bad. Nice meeting you. Bye now!" James ran off and hid behind a tree beyond the beach.

Death materialized behind him and tapped the Team Rocket member on the shoulder.

"AhhhhhHH!" James shrieked as the cold touch of death raked across his shoulder. It hurt like the hottest water, or the coldest fire.

MOUSSE: Care to throw in more vague comments?

SORRY.

James turned around. Did he know? But everything had been working out so well! It wasn't fair, he didn't want to die!

I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU--

"That I'm supposed to die, I know." James hung his head and held out his hands. "Alright. Let's go, then."

VEGETA: (Death) I think you're really cute, wanna go for a pizza or something?

KASEY: That's one good way to get on Death's good side.

-TO GET BACK IN YOUR BODY.

"My... body?" He looked down at the ground. He was floating a few inches above it. "Aiiiee!

ALL: (dully) Aiiiee . . .

I'm floating! I'm a ghost!" He paused, vanity overriding his sense of self-preservation. "I wonder if this means I've lost weight?"

FOLLOW ME.

KASEY: To the ends of the Earth. To the ends of the Earth.

They left the forest's edge and went back to the place where James had first woken up, on the beach. At first he didn't see anything, but then he could make it out- someone in a white Team Rocket uniform. "Oh my god-Jessie?"

SHAMPOO: What a coincidence! His best friend God! That should be good afterlife.

He ran towards the prone figure, only to find...

...himself, pale-faced and blue-lipped.

MOUSSE: (James) Gasp! Someone put clown white and blue lipstick on me! How tacky!

He looked completely still, and utterly inanimate.

VEGETA: His animator had better get off his lazy ass and keep up the pace!

He looked... he looked.... "I look dead!" YOU ARE NOT ALIVE AT THE MOMENT. Death raised a skeletal finger to hush him.

KASEY: Thanks for shutting yourself up, Death. You do talk too much.

BUT YOU ARE NOT DEAD, EITHER.

SHAMPOO: Ahh, more vague comment.

MOUSSE: You are not here, yet you are everywhere. You are silent, yet you scream loud. You are ugly, yet radiant . . .

"But I'm not alive?" James seemed confused.

YES.

"But I don't want to be dead! Tell me how to go back? Please, I want to go back!" James started to cry.

THEN GO BACK.

"You... won't stop me?"

VEGETA: (Death) I decided that you are too annoying to be in the realm of the dead.

I ALREADY TOLD YOU-OH, FORGET IT, MAN.

KASEY: Death musta been a junkie when he was alive.

JUST CLIMB BACK INTO YOUR BODY LIKE A GOOD MORTAL. AND TRY YOUR VERY BEST TO FORGET THIS EVER HAPPENED.

MOUSSE: (Death) Bash your head in with a blunt object once or twice.

And with that, the black-robed figure climbed back onto Binky and rode off into the sky.

SHAMPOO: (James) Me never saw him again. And deep inside, a hole there.

VEGETA: (sings) Inside there was a hole in the shape of you.

KASEY: (sings) And since the day you left, I had tried my best--

VEGETA: (sings) To live on without me being two.

KASEY: (sings) And I learned that love was a hard test.

BOTH: (sings) Forever, without you! (normal) Thank you! Off the tops of our heads, ladies and gentlemen!

MOUSSE & SHAMPOO: Huzzah!

James watched Death become a tiny black dot, and then flash out of existence. "Wheee!

MOUSSE: (James) The merry-go-round is fun!

SHAMPOO: James *is* C-ko.

I'm never going to die! Ha ha ha ha ha!" He ran behind the bush and picked the hourglass up. The grains were running out. "Eee!

KASEY: He sure knows his letter "E"!

I don't have any time left!"

VEGETA: (James) Awe, hell, does this mean I'm gonna die anyway? What a screw off!

He panicked. "What am I going to do? I don't want to die!

MOUSSE: (James) I have yet to find the perfect pair of pantyhose!

I'll never see Jessie or Meowth or Wheezing or Growlie or Arboc again!

SHAMPOO: "Arboc" Arabic "Arbok".

I'll never be able to steal any more pokémon! I'm too handsome to die! The world needs my beauty!"

MOUSSE: First they should kill his ego, then come back for James a few years later.

KASEY: Why am I oddly reminded of a Johnny Bravo episode now?

Then it hit him.

ALL: Whap!

He could just... turn the hourglass over, couldn't he? No one would ever know. Who would tell on him, anyways?

SHAMPOO: Oh, Shampoo know! The Staryu.

It was Death's fault for being so careless.

VEGETA: If I had known it was THIS easy to cheat Death, I never would have wasted my time trying to steal those DragonBalls!

James looked at the hourglass again. "It's almost run out! I'd better do it now, or there won't be a me to do anything!"

MOUSSE: (James) I'm about to evolve into a being of pure energy!

He took a deep breath.

And turned the thing over.

***

SHAMPOO: Staryu's friends attack, tell Death. Death mad. Kills everyone on Earth.

KASEY: That was oddly dark for you, Shampoo.

SHAMPOO: It better than "Critics give 'fic THREE stars! No way!"

KASEY: True.

"This is not happening. This is NOT happening. This is NOT--"

VEGETA: (Jessie) They can't cut my card! No! They said this couldn't happen!

Jessie paced back and forth across the clearing. Why couldn't she breathe properly?

MOUSSE: (Jessie) Oh, great, first James dies now I have asthma! Geez, I'm having a bad day!

It was that stupid ghost's fault. She hated those pathetic little whiny cry-baby lost Maidens, poor little souls, destined forever to sit and wait for their man to return to them, all because they were used to being followed around like they were their little puppy-dogs.

SHAMPOO: She hate being fawned over by men? Okay . . .

Pathetic.

KASEY: That's what she was, she was going to have to face it sometime or other.

VEGETA: Jessie, there's a cliff right there, why don't you just end your misery and ours?

And then they cry... at the thought of their men leaving them...

MOUSSE: . . . taking their children and all their money. Those women were just pathetic!

because they can't accept life without them they hurl themselves off cliffs and stand around for thousands of years, waiting...

SHAMPOO: But girls find it hard to stand and wait when jump off cliff.

yeah... she really hated that.

KASEY: She really hated that, when Arctic Circle gave her a double bacon cheese burger instead of a double cheese burger.

And now she was so angry, so angry at what that stupid ghost had done to her James,

VEGETA: The ghost said it had taken beauty school, but James' new make-over was terrible!

that she was having trouble taking slow breaths. Maybe she was hyperventilating, she didn't know. She felt like she was on a rollercoaster all over again, and couldn't get off.

MOUSSE: Like she had drank fifteen lattés and she couldn't stop!

Either way, it was that stupid Maiden's fault. And Meowth-Meowth wasn't helping any. Not at all.

SHAMPOO: It also tree's fault, and that rock, and moon! The moon no help!

Two hours ago they had found James' corpse washed ashore on the beach.

KASEY: Then they had a lovely picnic.

They were a few miles down from where the Festival had been taking place, and the forest fringe was a couple of steps away from the beach.

They didn't know how his body had gotten so far ashore,

VEGETA: Maybe the high tide carried it there, they didn't know.

but they did know that James was dead. He wasn't breathing and his lips and ears were bluer than his hair. The teenager's skin was chalk-white and cold and clammy to the touch.

MOUSSE: Maybe some neighborhood children had magic markered James' lips and ears blue and crushed chalk all over his body.

Jessie just couldn't accept it.

SHAMPOO: It wasn't her birthday! She no accept gift.

She'd yelled at first, at James for not getting up, and then at Meowth.

KASEY: Then she kicked James' body until it was mangled. No one understood her!

And then she'd started pacing and talking to herself nonstop.

"Face it goil, the guy's dead. We'll just hafta tell the Boss that he died in the line o' duty. Don't sweat it, toots.

ALL: (snicker)

SHAMPOO: *Toots*?

VEGETA: (Meowth, heavy Jersey accent) Ya 'ill get o'er it, babydoll, now stop with th' waterworks an' dry yer peepers an' we'll go fer some ice cream.

KASEY: (Brooklyn accent) No, parfait!

You'll get a new partner." Meowth didn't see what all the fuss was about. Humans died all the time. So did pokémon. "People die, it happens. Live wit' it.

MOUSSE: (Meowth) Face it, "sh-it" happens.

Me-owth!" The cat pokémon started grooming a dirty paw. "Ya ta tee... da da da dum...." He noticed a passing Crabby. "Ooo!"

ALL: KRABBY.

SHAMPOO: (Meowth) Maybe me go provide comedy relief.

He tackled it and got a great big pinch on the nose. "Mee-owwwch!"

SHAMPOO: (Meowth) There! Comedy relief! Hahahahah!

ALL: (bland) . . . hah . . .

The crabby crawled over James' legs and under his shirt.

KASEY: (Krabby) What the-- this lady doesn't have any breasts!

VEGETA: Perverted Krabby's *do* exist.

It tickled.

James blinked awake. "Mmmh?" He opened his eyes. He could make out Jessie's voice, but he couldn't tell what she was saying. The words were all garbled.

MOUSSE: Something about taking all his money and moving to Costa Rica . . .?

"But he's DEAD!" Jessie wailed pathetically. "He'll never say the Team Rocket motto, or steal pokémon with me, or dress up like a woman so I can laugh at him, or eat all the jelly doughnuts in the box, or steal my toothbrush--ever again!

SHAMPOO: (Jessie) Never pick teeth with credit card again. Never clean ear with Jeep key, ever again!

And it's all my fault! I should have done more-I should have paid for those anti-ghost stickers! But I didn't! I used freebies on him and they didn't work

KASEY: (Jessie) Maybe I should have checked them and made sure that they were true evil-begon scrolls and not meaningless scribbles! My fault!

and now he's... he's... WAHHH!"

VEGETA: Wah? What's "wah"?

MOUSSE: Maybe it's Yittish for "dead".

She knelt down beside the dripping wet body and began to shake it. "James, get up! This is enough! I can't take it! You can't die, I didn't say you could! I'm not letting you, dammit!"

SHAMPOO: (Jessie) At least pay five bucks you owe!

James closed his eyes and bit his tongue.

KASEY: (James) Ow! Why the hell did I do THAT for?

Part of him was taking great pleasure in seeing her like this.

VEGETA: He's a sick, sick man!

MOUSSE: Ech, I just saw a vision of him gaining TOO much pleasure from this.

SHAMPOO: Mousse! (snacks him upside the head)

MOUSSE: Ouch Geez, I'm sorry!

(Oh, this is too good. She's acting so... so... different! I'm going to lord this over her for weeks! Hee hee hee hee!)

KASEY: (James) Then I'm going to make her pay outrageous amounts of taxes!

Meowth sweatdropped. "Ueh... toots, dat's not gonna woik."

Another part of James was upset. (I'm causing her pain! I should get up, I don't want to make her sad!) But keeping his eyes closed was easier,

VEGETA: Sort of like how watching TV is easier than actual THINKING.

and he didn't want to get up just yet....

"I don't CARE! James, don't leave me! I don't want to do everything alone! I need you!"

MOUSSE: (Jessie) I need you to clean the loo! YOU used it last!

It was too much for him to stay quiet and keep from laughing. James sat up with a smirk on his face. "Why, Jessie, I didn't know you cared. But now I see you do-HAHAHA! You DO care!" He got up and did a little dance. "You do care, you do care-wheee!"

SHAMPOO: Is Shampoo only one disturbed by this?

OTHERS: No.

KASEY: Maybe he did the fox trot.

"Aiiiee!"

ALL: Aiiiee . . .

The redhead sprang away from her newly-ressurected partner and crabby-walked a few paces towards the forest. "GHOST!"

VEGETA: Maybe she needs to worship him now.

MOUSSE: Oh, great, is this the second coming of Christ?

SHAMPOO: "Jamesianity".

KASEY: Maybe Binky is one of the four Rapidashes of the Apocalypse.

"Yahhh!" Meowth hissed at James. "You can't be aloive!

VEGETA: He can't be in love? Why not?

We took yer pulse an' everything! You were dead! D-E-D!

KASEY: (Hank Stone) Me? I'm the man who's gonna kick your ass.

MOUSSE: What was THAT?

KASEY: You have to see that dumb movie to understand it.

Like a rat caught in Death's trap!"

SHAMPOO: (Meowth) Like a fly caught on Death's flystrip!

"Hahahah! Well, this rat always comes back!

VEGETA: And so does the cat. The very next day.

And as for Death, I'm not afraid of him-I can out-dress that bony old man any day!"

KASEY: (James) He's a puss and we should spread the word.

Tears welled up in Jessie's eyes.

MOUSSE: (Jessie) Damn. I was truly happy that he WAS dead!

"Oh James, I thought you were dead! I'll never take you for granted again ever!" She ran and gave him a hug.

SHAMPOO: (Jessie) Now go fetch food and facial products!

"Well, I...." James stopped. Something seemed wrong.

KASEY: What was this odd sensation he was feeling in his pants?

VEGETA: Our most perverted joke yet for this 'fic.

Jessie blinked and pulled away. "You're too cold." It was a statement.

MOUSSE: Her own personal James-cicle!

James uh-oh'd and brought the hourglass up to eye-level. He'd been holding it all the time, it seemed. There was no sand left in the top. "But... I turned it over."

SHAMPOO: (James) Omelet burned! Me thought me turned it over!

His partner began to get worried. "James... what's that?"

Meowth padded over. "See? He is dead! Pokémon can sense these things! He's evil, Jessie, get away from him!"

KASEY: (Meowth) I'll go call Ash, toots.

VEGETA: (Jessie) Ash Ketchum?

KASEY: (Meowth) No! the Deadite killer!

James was indignant. "Of course I'm evil." He turned the hourglass over. There was a flash of bright light, and the sand appeared mystically on the bottom of the jar.

ALL: Ooooooo~

The top remained empty.

"James, what is that thing? Let me see." Jessie went to grab the thing away from him,

MOUSSE: (Jessie) Hourglasses are EVIL! Evil evil evil! Drop the hourglass, James! Drop!

but her hand went right through it. "What? That's impossible!" She tried again and again with the same results. "This is impossible."

SHAMPOO: (Jessie) Neat tricks, James! Show 'nother!

"Team Rocket doesn't know the meaning of impossible."

KASEY: We do know the meaning for "unfesible", however.

Something dark passed across James' face that made him look even more rotten than she'd ever seen him look.

VEGETA: (Jessie) Hold on, James, a Zubat landed on your face.

"That's why we're the best." He turned away and put the hourglass in his pocket.

"Uh... yeah." Jessie brightened. "And now that you're back, we'll show that Ash who the real geniuses are!"

"Yeah...." James smiled,

MOUSSE: (James) . . . but how are we going to bring Einstein and Newton back from the dead?

but it seemed wrong. Like he had to think about it.

SHAMPOO: He hafta think to breathe, no big deal!

"So... let's go!" The redhead pointed vaguely off to the right. "To the Rocketmobile!"

"She means the balloon, right?"

Meowth shrugged. "Ac'tually, we kinda panicked, and sorta... borrowed the Boss' car to come and look for yuz...."

KASEY: So Giovanni/Rob has a side job of being a superhero?

"Oh... kay." James nodded and started shuffling in the direction that Jessie had pointed in.

"Well... he's back."

VEGETA: (Meowth) He's also GOT back.

"Yeah." Jessie looked worried. "But not to normal."

***

"Stop frettin' goil, he's alive, an' dat's all dat matters, right?"

MOUSSE: 'Specially since that's the title of this fanfic.

Both Jessie and Meowth were alone in the sitting room of the cabin that they'd rented a few paces from the place of the festival.

Well, rented was a nice way of saying it. Figured out that the owners were on vacation and broken in was a bit more of an honest way at looking at it. Not that it mattered to the likes of them. They were, of course-the bad guys.

KASEY: They found a recorder and some professor was speaking Latin.

SHAMPOO: That be fun crossover!

VEGETA: James battles the Deadites with a chainsaw for a hand.

MOUSSE: Ash Ketchum tried, but he didn't like it when they called him "Ashley".

Jessie wrung her gloves in her hands. "It's not that, Meowth... he's just... it's like he's not the James I once knew!

SHAMPOO: (Jessie) He smarter, no more eat a lot, he a gentleman!

KASEY: What's she complainin' about?

VEGETA: Maybe he stands in the corner all day saying he's a glass of orange juice and he'll spill if he moves.

He's all cold and strange and he doesn't eat doughnuts or laugh or anything! It's like he's still...."

"...dead?"

Meowth and Jessie jumped.

"It's the old woman!!" Meowth exclaimed.

"The Maiden took your young man, made him dead!

MOUSSE: I like how she talks. It's like she's an Indian. "Dead for three moons, she made him, coyote cry."

KASEY: Either that or Yoda.

VEGETA: (Yoda from "Thumb Wars) Puppet I am, man control me from beneath floor, yeeees.

That's why he seems so distant and so cold! I predict that in order for you to bring your friend back to life-"

"-Wait a minute, you old hag!" Jessie interrupted. "WHY should we listen to YOU? You've never helped us before!"

"I gave you those freebies!" The old woman protested.

SHAMPOO: (Jessie) You say you never talk about that *freebie* ever again!

"Yeh! And then they didn't woik! An' James fell offa dat cliff an' now he's all weird!"

"Who's all weird?" James came in.

KASEY: Speaking of the devil . . .

He looked even worse than he had the day previous. His face was even pastier-there wasn't even a trace of the beautiful tan tint that his skin used to have. In fact, his skin was a few shades lighter than Jessie's. His eyes were dull and glassy, and his movements were stiff and mechanical.

VEGETA: He's turning into an Observer!

MOUSSE: Plus he carried his brain in a pan, and that wasn't very normal either.

"Me-owth! We were talkin' to the old woman!"

"Dear me... it's time that I left!" The old woman evaporated, quite suddenly.

SHAMPOO: Old ladies dissolve in water, provide family fun for hours!

"Old... woman?" Anger froze on James's face. "That thing will pay."

"What do you mean, James?" Jessie laughed and put an arm around her partner, ignoring the coldness. She led him to a couch where he could sit so she didn't have to stare at the way he could stand perfectly still, like he didn't even need to breathe anymore.

KASEY: So no one cares that the old lady just evaporated in front of their eyes? That's a smack in the face, ain't it?

VEGETA: So, is James becoming a zombie? That'd be so cool if he ate Jessie's brains.

"The last few moments... before I fell." James explained. "I saw the Maiden... she was a Ghastly. I pieced it together from there, or maybe it showed me to taunt me. The Ghastly was the Maiden and the Old Woman. That's why the stickers didn't work. Just like turning my lifetimer over didn't work."

"Lifetimer?"

"This."

MOUSSE: (Jessie) James, you idiot, that's an EGGtimer, of course it does nothing if you turn it over!

Jessie stared at the hourglass. "That's the thing you had when we found you. The thing I couldn't touch."

"Yes."

SHAMPOO: (James) Me no want fingerprints on it.

She frowned. "All the sand's run out. What does that mean?"

"It means that I should be dead." Silence filled the room.

Meowth broke it. "SEE? What did I tell ya? He's DEAD! I told yuz! Didn't I tell ya?"

The redhead blinked.

KASEY: (Jessie) Hey, if we chuck this at Meowth really hard, he'll be dead, too!

"That... that's impossible, James. You have to be wrong. You're not dead. You're right here."

VEGETA: (James as Oxnard) Remember, Jessie, anything's possible . . . if it happens.

A thread of danger crept into her tone. "You're here with me now, and nothing is changing that."

James shrugged. He didn't know what to say. He wanted to stay with Jessie, but he didn't seem to be... there anymore. It upset him-nothing brought him any joy. Stealing, eating, dressing up, playing around with people's minds-none of it seemed important anymore.

"I just want peace." He said at last. "I'm sorry. I wanted to stay here... be with you. But I can't now."

MOUSSE: (James as Jan in the pan) Please, let me DIE! Let me DIE! Let me DIE!

Jessie stood up suddenly. "It's all that BITCH'S fault, isn't it?"

"What?" Meowth interceded. "Woi, there-back up the information train, sista, I think you went one way and I went anotha."

SHAMPOO: That no Brooklyn accent! icecube make Meowth uneducated black woman from 1930's!

KASEY: How mean! Either that, or some rapper.

VEGETA: (Meowth) Talk to the paw, 'coz the face ain't listenin', sista, hm-mm!

"That ghost! She took James away and now he's supposed to be dead and it's all her fault!"

"No, Jessie, you don't understand." James's tone was bland and matter-of-fact. "It was the Ghastly. The ghost pokémon was just playing a prank."

MOUSSE: How many times must he pound that into her brain?

KASEY: One more good smack and she'll be a zombie right along with him.

SHAMPOO: How immortality look now, monkey-man?

VEGETA: I refrain from any comments at this moment of time.

"It's not a prank, it's that eretheral skank! And I'm going to make her walk the plank!"

Meowth joined in. "It's because of hoi dat we have a dead James to thank!"

MOUSSE: It's not every day that a dead man is thanked for being dead.

KASEY: (Kitty) Just be nicer to God.

"So let's find her and get our James back!"

"And then we'll at least have a LIVE pain in the neck!"

James stared into space. "Oh, do whatever you like. I'm not going to stop you."

Jessie facefaulted. "Jammeesss...." she wheedled. "This is the part where we come up with a plan, and you either take all the credit or you whine about how it's going to fail because we're such losers...?"

"Mm... yes, I suppose I would, normally. When I was alive." He lay back into the couch and sagged. "It's awful. I don't feel anything anymore."

SHAMPOO: (James) 'Least me can sew and not fear being pricked by needle.

"But you aren't. Dead that is."

"But I'm not alive either."

"Yes you are, you just need... a little sunshine, that's all! We need to improve your complexion!"

VEGETA: (Jessie) Maybe we should let you fly a kite during a lightning storm, that should liven you up.

"Forget it sista, yer boyfriend's a vampiya."

"He's NOT my boyfriend!"

"No, I'm just dead." James sighed. "I didn't understand at first. I wanted to live forever, and cheat death. But now I see. I need to die."

"No, you're NOT! Don't say that!" Jessie ran from the room in a fit of anger.

"NOW lookit what yuh've done!"

James stared ahead, not caring. He couldn't care. Feeling emotion was getting harder and harder for him. It was like part of him was missing, and he needed desperately to join up with it again.

MOUSSE: Plus he just couldn't understand Meowth through his thick accent.

KASEY: Now I know what Meowth sounds like, Bunny from Sonic the Hedgehog.

OTHERS: Ahh, yes.

"I'm sorry."

"No you're not, mistah! And dat's yer problem!"

"You're right. I don't care. I don't care about anything anymore." And he didn't, which was the scary thing. If he could feel fear.

But all he felt was regret. He should have gone with Death when he had had the chance. Now he'd never die. Never dying meant that you couldn't live either. He saw that now.

SHAMPOO: Maybe Death in phone book, he can try calling for appointment.

"Don't you care about nothin' no more?"

"Being dead means not having an opinion."

VEGETA: That's why you never see a letter to the editor from a zombie in the newspapers.

"I was right. You are dead." Meowth left the room.

James sat on the couch, stock still.

He wasn't breathing.

He didn't need to.

***

MOUSSE: But then he began to see stars, so he supposed he DID need to breathe after all.

KASEY: James is overreacting. He's not dead, his hay fever acting up, that's all.

Jessie stomped to the Boss' car, and got in. Of course she'd never bothered to get a licence, but that wasn't going to keep her from driving. She and James drove all sorts of fun things without a licence-helicopters, hot-air balloons, giant underground drills, 50-foot mehcanical khengaskhans, you name it. So driving a mere car was a snap for her.

"Stupid ghost bitch- you want a soul? I'll give you a soul!" She turned the keys in the ignition. "I'm going to track down that old lady and get to the bottom of this!"

SHAMPOO: She going to force ghost to go to church.

She drove recklessly, almost running over a sandshrew, two digglets, a rattata, and barely dodging a pidgie.

MOUSSE: Boy, those wild Pokémon sure are dumb for sitting out in the middle of the road.

KASEY: (Jessie like George Costanza) We have a deal! We drive, the animals get out of the way!

VEGETA: She drove recklessly, which, of course, had nothing to do with her not going to driver's ed.

"GET OUT OF THE WAY!" She honked her horn louder than necessary.

SHAMPOO: (laughs) Austin Power flashback.

KASEY: (St. Peter) Now, why should you get into Heaven? You lied, stole, cheated--

MOUSSE: (boy) Because I voted for MARK CHENEY!

VEGETA: That was VERY obscure.

KASEY: Aw, who gives a damn, let the readers mull it over for a bit.

When she got to the Maiden's temple, she screeched to a halt, leaving skid-marks on the meticulously tended grass.

"Excuse-a me Miss, but I don't believe that parking is permitted in the Temple area-" a tour guide stopped her.

Jessie ignored the tour guide's advice. "I'm looking for the old woman." She growled. "Either you direct me to her, or get outta my way."

The old woman appeared in the distance. "There! That's her!" She pushed the tour guide out of the way to start running in the old lady's direction-

SHAMPOO: Shampoo thought Gastly go away after festival?

MOUSSE: His schedule is free from other hauntings, so he thought he'd hang out for awhile.

-and noticed that her hand was stuck. "What the....?"

A ghastly held her arm tight in its grasp. For some reason this ghastly had arms.

The ghastly transformed into a machoke.

"Uhh...." She tugged at her arm.

The machoke tugged back just as hard, nearly ripping the arm out of its socket.

ALL: Yuck!

SHAMPOO: Nnnn~ if it snap, me puke.

VEGETA: Well, now it's getting moderately interesting.

KASEY: I still think it should turn into a Evil Dead crossover.

This wasn't going at all in the way that she had planned.

"Hey, leave the lady alone!"

It was Brock.

ALL: (chanting) Brock! Brock! Brock!

"Vulpix, I choose you!"

ALL: (chanting, louder) Vulpix! Vulpix! Vulpix! If they can't do it, no one can!

The Ghastly laughed. "Oh, dear, I am ever so frightened!" He conjured up an Arboc. "Snakes eat rodents, and canines too! How's that?"

MOUSSE: The Gastly made that up! I have never seen a cobra eat a fox.

KASEY: Besides, Vulpix's tails might get caught in its throat.

"Oh yeah? Well, then take this! Bulbasaur, I choose you! Squirtle, go!"

SHAMPOO: When Brock get those?

VEGETA: And godboy shows up, and all is well.

"I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!" Jessie didn't want to be saved by the good guys! That was the last thing she wanted. She'd rather that the ghastly killed her so then maybe she could be dead with James.

At least it was a less-embarrasing alternative.

"Ah... how sweet. The good guys are helping the poor evil confused girl. Ah-hah hah hah hah." The ghastly laughed condescendingly. "To battle with your bulbasaur and your squirtle I will use my powers of illusion to create Ivysaur and Blastoise, combining them to make Ivytoise! (sp)

ALL: SMASHING PUMPKINS!

SHAMPOO: Shampoo love them! When they show up!?

Jessie noticed the machoke's grip was weakening the more things that the Ghastly conjured up. She kneed the thing in a place that she knew would hurt any human and make a break for it.

MOUSSE: Unfortunately for her, this Machoke was neutered.

"Look, Jessie got free! That must mean that the more illusions Ghastly has to maintain, the weaker they get!" Ash pointed out.

KASEY: Oh, yes, that makes perfect sense right off the bat.

VEGETA: Well, this IS the hero of the TV show, so of course he would know that.

SHAMPOO: What happen to Brock? Arbok eat him?

"Sounds like you've been studying Ash. I'm impressed." Misty turned to the Ghost pokémon. "Hey, Ghastly! Bet you can't conjure up a Charizard and a Grimer! And another Ash!

MOUSSE: Why would the Gastly want to do THAT?

And an evil Brock!"

"I can so! Watch!"

Before everyone's eyes appeared a Charizard and a Grimer. The second Ash was transparent like smoke, though, and the evil Brock never took shape.

"Where's the evil Brock? I don't see one!" Misty taunted it.

"Grr... I'm working on it, you annoying little girl!"

Jessie backed away from the fray and hid behind the car.

KASEY: (Jessie) Err~ sure it's embarrassing, but I think I'll just let THEM take care of this-- RUN AWAY!

She knew that she had to do something, but what? She knew that somehow the Ghastly was the key to this entire mess. She had to make it so that James never dies, and that means that the Maiden never seduces him off the cliff. So how was she to manage that?

Something poofed into existence in the distance. It had hair like Brock's but it was wearing a stained green t-shirt and jeans. And he had a beard.

VEGETA: It's Saddam Huisein!

SHAMPOO: What you know! It evil Brock!

"Hi." It said. "My name's Trent. I... uh, play the guitar."

ALL: (stunned silence)

KASEY: Oh . . .my. . .GOD! Do I believe what I just read!!!! (starts crying)

MOUSSE: You have to admit, he does sort of look like Brock.

SHAMPOO: That no evil!

VEGETA: Naw, just a sarcastic punk.

KASEY: (sniffles into silence)

"Aiiee! It's my evil half-brother!" Brock fainted.

The evil Brock (aka Trent) sat down on the ground and started tuning his instrument. "Hey, woah, nice hair." He nodded to Misty. "It looks... alternative."

Misty blushed.

The Ghastly sighed. "Oh, dear. I do hate this awful mess that I've gotten myself into...."

MOUSSE: (Gastly) I so dreadfully hate it when I create a time paradox.

"And you're powerless to change it, aren't you?" Jessie stepped out from behind the car. "Look at all of the useless things that you've done here today-"

"-USELESS?" The ghost pokémon screamed. "My powers are anything but useless!"

KASEY: (Gastly) I can conjure up a ham hoagie in half a second! Useless, you say . . .

"I bet you couldn't even put things back the way they were *before*!"

The ghastly paused. "Before what?" She could detect the curiosity in its voice.

The redhead made a few all-encompassing arm-movements. "Look at all these people who know what you are now! Your plan is ruined forever! Nobody is going to fall for that tired old trick *twice*!"

VEGETA: (Jessie) At least WE four people won't fall for the same trick twice! Oh, I did something dumb again, didn't I?

She laughed cruelly. "And you can't alter reality so you're stuck here just like any one of us."

"I most certainly could."

Jessie crossed her arms. "But I bet that you're too weak and pathetic to go back and change time and...." she trailed off.

"Name it. I will be capable of it!"

Jessie gave the creature her back and began walking away.

SHAMPOO: Shampoo no know it possible to walk without back!

MOUSSE: The Gastly was in desperate need of a spine.

"Forget I ever said anything. It's too difficult for the likes of you."

"I'LL DO IT!" The thing bellowed.

The redhead spun around and smiled. "Alright. But are you sure you'd be up to it?"

"Name the task and I will be more than capable."

The evil Brock and the other illusions dissapeared.

KASEY: (quietly) Bye, Trent. Say hi to Daria for me . . .

OTHERS: (Beavis and Butthead) Diarrhea, Diarrhea, chachacha!

Jessie looked skeptical. "Well, I was wondering if you'd be able to go back in time and stop that foolish blue-haired man from walking off the cliff...."

"...thereby cheating Death himself!"

VEGETA: It's not that hard. If you tell him to look up, he'll do so and you can run away giggling.

The pokémon chuckled. "How ingenious! It is indeed a task worth a Ghastly of my canny nature!"

"...but I doubt you could do it." Jessie gave it her cruellest smirk. Her insides quailed. If this didn't work, the ghastly could rip her apart and James would stay a zombie.

But she didn't need to prod any longer. The ghost pokémon was hooked. "You're talking about the blue-haired man that walked off the cliff last night? Earlier this day, rather? The really gay-looking one?

SHAMPOO: Gay jokes are fun.

The man dressed in the clothes that you're wearing, with the big red R on his front?"

"Yeah... that's him."

SHAMPOO: (Jessie) Yeah... REALLY gay one.

The ghastly closed his eyes and then opened them. "It is done." "Wha-"

MOUSSE: "-t" I believe is the letter you are looking for, Jessie.

***

"I don't WANT to go, I don't WANT to GO!"

"You mean you don't want to go with her?"

KASEY: (James) No! She said I was gay-looking!

"NO, I don't! I don't WANT to go!"

Jessie ran forward and caught James around the legs. "Help me, Meowth!"

"Oi'm helpin', Oi'm helpin'!"

Ash used his pokédex. "Pokémon Identified. Ghastly. Little is known about this ghost pokémon other than it has the ability to dissapear."

VEGETA: This isn't how the original show went! Oh, well~ whatever floats icecube's boat.

A battle ensued, and it played out pretty much in the same manner as it had before. Jessie found herself muttering along with what people said.

Then the sun came, and the Ghastly had to go. It gave Jessie an angry look. "You tricked me."

And then it left.

SHAMPOO: So, it no occur to Gastly that he can change time AGAIN?

MOUSSE: Shampoo, shush, the fanfic's almost over.

SHAMPOO: Oh, okay. It make perfect sense to me! (flashes a "V" sign)

James looked up at her with adoring eyes. "You DO care!"

"It's not you I was caring about, I was just protecting you for the sake of the team. It's the professional thing to do." She could taste it in her mouth-the acid metallic flavor of a lie.

KASEY: The acid metallic in the mouth thing was also a torture device used in ancient times.

OTHERS: Ooh, ahh.

But it was better this way. He was alive, and that was all that mattered.

VEGETA: And again, it's also the name of the fanfic.

She'd rather have him happy and oblivious as opposed to dead and zombie-like.

***

Somewhere, up above the world of man, across the universe and then some, a dark-robed figure shuffled across the floor to a table.

A lifetimer appeared on it. Tied to the hourglass was a label. It read: "James".

I WAS WONDERING WHEN YOU WOULD COME BACK.

SHAMPOO: (Death) Me *really* miss you, REALLY miss.

He said to the thing.

He picked it up and placed it in its designated spot on one of the many shelves that lined the lifetimer room. There was more sand in the top than he'd remembered seeing last time he'd checked. It was almost full.

KASEY: (Death) Oh, poopie, was I cheated again? Oh, well, just as long as God doesn't find out, my ass is safe.

THAT'S ODD.

Behind it, a lifetimer popped out of existence. Beside it, another, smaller one popped into existence.

THEY ALL COME BACK, IN THE END. He observed sagely. THE SAME SOULS, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. IT'S ALL PROPORTIONATE.

MOUSSE: (Death) Dammit, how many times will the blasted Sailor Senshi be reincarnated?

Death passed through the door (he'd never gotten the hang of doorknobs) and glided in the direction of the study.

THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE TO TAKE LIFE AS IT COMES, he noted. OTHERWISE IT MIGHT JUST PASS ME BY.

VEGETA: Which wouldn't be an overall BAD thing.

***

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

KASEY: (grabbing chest) Omigod, my heart! My heart!

James and Jessie pounded away at the drums.

KASEY: Oh, shew! For a second there I thought I was passing a ham through my left ventricle.

The festival was in full-throttle, and the two had decided to give up scheming for the night and get caught up in the atmosophere.

For James, it was old hat.

MOUSSE: O_o? Hmmm~ icecube is from a place not of our own.

VEGETA: For James, it was RANDY!

For Jessie, it was a welcome reprieve from two stressful days of events.

"We're sure banging up a storm, James!" She laughed inwardly at the implications of that comment. She observed the rippling of his muscles under his drummer's outfit. Gay-looking one? What did that stupid Ghastly know about anything, anyways?

SHAMPOO: Maybe he know lots, Jessie. Maybe he know lots.

KASEY: (dully) How cryptic.

"We sure are, Jessie." He was flesh-coloured and happy. Happy James. Doughnut-eating toothbrush-stealing James.

"Mee-owth. We should be spendin' our time stealin' pokémon!" Meowth whined. "All 'dis drummin's makin' me nauseous!"

"Oh, Meowth. Shut up."

MOUSSE: (Jessie) Go blow a flute.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

KASEY: Argh! (grabs chest again)

The End

KASEY: Oh my god! The end of me?! No! . . . wait a minute, according to this story, it's not hard to cheat Death. Phew, I'm safe.

VEGETA: You've been acting weird lately.

KASEY: I'm just making up for the loss of Jessica and Angie. A hard job, I tell you what.

(Author's note, additional: wheeee....

ALL: Huzzah.

wasn't that just horribly out of character?

SHAMPOO: Iie, more like "out of episode".

I can't write Jessie.

MOUSSE: Of course you can't write to her, she's not real.

Oh well. Now it's um, 2:00 a.m. and I should really go to bed because I have school tommorow.

KASEY: Well, I'm glad to see I'M not the only high schooler with no life.

Wow. I actually... finished a fic. I usually sort-of just start them and then they... sit around and get too old for me to finish. Woi. I... finished a fic. Finished, man. Woi... flames? comments? bribes? send to leitis@bigfoot.com

VEGETA: That last paragraph hurt! A lot.

Keep in mind the fact that I'm sensitive, and prone to cry if you're too mean. I'm like James in that aspect. Really pathetic. I'm a follower, too, but I won't get into that. Um. Team Rocket Forever! Yes.)

SHAMPOO: icecube nut, a nut with extra salt!

MOUSSE: That was kinda a depressing story.

VEGETA: Happy ending, blech.

KASEY: I know what'll cheer us up! Fast Throw! We still have yet to start the game!

(all exeunt, whooping and cheering)

~*~*~*~*~*~

"So, are all our teams chosen?" Jessie asked to everyone, to which they responded with an excited cheer. "Okay! Let's begin!"

People in the bleachers cheered wildly, holding signs that said things like "Go Jessie's team!" or "Go James' Team!" Or they all held certain people signs, like Minako held up a sign that read, "Go Bardok-kun!"

They decided on ten people per team, and eight would be on the field per play. Kasey and Vegeta were chosen for Jessie's team, along with the SoD's pet Ponyta "Para," Kuno, Mihoshi and Kiyone, and Karigari who was forced to play by Marie, who was on James' team. But no one wanted to be on Jessie's team, since she had certain expectations for her mates. But everyone were so wound up to play the first game of Fast Throw ever that no one cared that she made her people wear uniforms.

Except, maybe, for Vegeta.

"I refuse to play like this!" he screamed at Jessie on the front line. "And if anyone tosses that Voltorb before I get my say, I'll blast them to Kingdom Come!" Everyone but Jessie backed away from the Pokémon.

"Vegeta-sama!" the Rocket Member shouted back, not at all phased by this all-powerful alien being. "There is nothing wrong with these uniforms! They're pretty and fashionable, now get to right field!"

Vegeta growled and said, "I'm wearing YOUR uniform design!"

And that he was, and so was everyone of Jessie's team. She forced them to wear her black undershirt, the white top, the miniskirt and the gloves and boots. She even made the guys wear them. Kuno and Karigari didn't seem to mind as much, and even Para, a blasted horse, didn't even mind. But Vegeta's bulk was nearly making the clothes burst at the seams, and he had difficulty breathing.

Kasey ran up flinging her arms about madly. "Let's just play, Vegeta-sama!" She made a pose that was actually more feminine than everyone had ever seen her make as she hollered, "I'm not too fond of the uniform either, but I wanna play the game!"

"No!" He stalked over to the Voltorb and stood over it with his arms crossed, giving everyone the evil eye. "You can't expect me to play like this!" People in the bleachers began to boo and the other teammates began to jeer and insult him. "I want pants, I want to be able to at least BREATHE!"

Jessie sighed and glanced sidelong at Kasey. "I really hate him."

Kasey merely rolled her eyes.

When there wasn't any response from anyone but insults, Vegeta began to sputter angrily, and he began to glow a rather bright shade of blue. Kasey shielded her eyes and swore. "He's serious about this! If he doesn't stop, his muscle will expand and the clothes will rip offa him . . . and I don't really want to see a naked Vegeta."

Jessie grimaced. "It'll traumatize all the little children. We'd better stop him, or he'll go super Saiyjin."

"If I can get Goku, or Ryoga or something, that could--"

LET ME HANDLE THIS.

"Ack!" Jessie and Kasey shrieked from surprise.

"Who are you!" Jessie asked, as everyone became silently, except for the groaning Vegeta.

Suddenly, a creature swooped from above and landed beside the man. "It's a white Rapidash!" Kasey murmured in awe. Then she held up a Pokéball with a silly grin on her face. "I'm gonna catch it!"

As she was about to throw the ball, Jessie grasped her arm and told her to be quiet. "No! It's the legendary BINKY!"

The Captain fell to the floor from shock. From down there, she muttered, "You're telling me Binky is a true thing in the Pokéworld?" Jessie only nodded and stared in wonderment.

Everyone stared with the same gaze in their eyes, and they watched as the Rapidash approached Vegeta, glowing with a bright white light to match his blue. As Binky was receiving a magnificent air of grace and beauty, despite his name, he abruptly gave a terrible scream, then swung his head forward at Vegeta's back. Vegeta never knew what hit him, and he fell to the floor, collapsing on the Voltorb-- which then exploded, tossing him to the feet of a stunned Marie.

Kasey ran forward and stared at the unmoving Vegeta. She glanced back at Binky. "Did you KILL him?"

NO, a voice mysteriously boomed, I DIDN'T. I COULD HAVE, BUT I ONLY PLACED HIM IN A TEMPORARY STATE OF DEATH.

"Whatever." She rushed to the Rapidash. "Can you do it to me?"

NO.

"Oh, well. So, you're real?"

YES.

"Uh, odd. How's Death?"

HE'S AT HOME, EATING BONBONS AND WATCHING "I LOVE LUCY."

"Oh. Well, so, you take care of the death thing?"

YES. DEATH IS AN INCOMPETENT LOSER, I TAKE CARE OF ALL THE DEATHS. IN MY DIMENSION OF COURSE, HE WAS JUST A SPECIAL CASE, SINCE HE WAS THREATENING THE SAFETY SOME OF THOSE FROM MY DIMENSION WITH HIS IRRELEVANT ANGER.

"Oh. Gee, thanks. Uhm, can I ask you another question?"

SURE.

"Do you know if a man by the name of Rob Tapert, or Giovanni, and a Persian and a Primeape named Prime are alive?"

HM, UHM, ER, I HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY WORD YET IF THEY HAVE. WHY?

"Oh, well, our very lives depend on this man. Only he can get us back home, so, if he's dead, we're stuck here."

OH, HOW SAD.

"Uh, yes it is. Uhm, can you please leave? You're boring and you're freaking everyone out."

SURE, I WILL GO. TA-TA! With that, he disappeared.

"Oh, damn, I forgot to ask him how he came about with the name of 'Binky.' Oh, well, maybe next time."

And as Cleo sat at the counter, her tears all but dried, for she was confused as hell, and trying to figure out just why the hell this was recorded and actually called a "host segment." She blinked, meowed, and told Camharpy in kitty-talk to turn off the camera.

The end

______________________________________________________________________________

For some reason, God, didn't want me to finish this! First I get it halfway done, then my computer screws up the file and I can only open it and not edit it. Then I retype the host segment then I click out and apparently I forgot to save it! I tried to do it all again, I did the whole host segment and almost all my pretyped riffs, and there's a power surge and the file was erased again! Arrrrrrrgh!!!!! Sob!

Oh, and sorry for the bad ending host segment. I was just SICK of this episode by that time, (and you would have been to if you had to retype it as many times as I had to). So I had Cleo express my confusion at my lack of creativity. If you didn't read it, that's fine with me. I didn't want to type it, so it all sort of works out. I hope the other stuff was fairly decent, at least . . .

Anyway, some cool news, I send my congrats to Lucy Lawless and Robert Tapert. Lucy recently gave birth to a little boy named "Julius." Julius Tapert. I kinda feel sorry for that boy, but it's their choice. (If I ever have a kid it'd probably have a weird New Age name, so who am I to talk? ^_^) Alls I can say is that that kid will have the worst grades in ancient history. ("Which year was the Trojan war fought?" JULIUS: "Five years before Julius Caesar came to reign, a year before the birth of Jesus Christ!" "Who was the greatest bard of ancient times?" JULIUS: "Gabrielle!")

GABBY: Joxer, get your hands off my APPLES!

________________________________________________________________________________

You were dead! D-E-D!