AUDITION: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.
ACCELERANDO: what happens when drummers have to keep a steady beat.
CONDUCTOR: an ignorable figure capable of following numerous individuals at once.
CUT TIME: When you suddenly realize that everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.
CRESCENDO: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loud.
CYMBALS: percussion instrument to be dropped while the band plays pianissimo.
FERMATA: a chance for the conductor to catch his breath while attempting to make his wind players pass out.
GLISSANDO: the way string players play difficult runs.
KEY CHANGE: a change in the main pitch or "tonal center" which takes full effect three to five bars after it is noted in the music.
PAGE TURN: a good way to avoid playing the hard parts.
PRACTICE: Don't worry about it. Musicians never do it anyway.
RALLENTANDO: what never seems to happen during the technical passages.
RITARD: the idiot behind the stick.
TEMPO CHANGE: signal for the musicians to ignore the conductor.
UNISON: See "minor secind".
VIBRATO: a way for musicians to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
