Funny Real-Life Bumper Stickers

• If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
• Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an jerk
• You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
• You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
• All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
• IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• Hang up and drive.
• Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
• Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
• Happiness is seeing your boss's face on a milk carton.
• Jesus is coming, everyone look busy
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
• Horn broken, watch for finger
• All Men are idiots & I married their king
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished
• Help wanted telepath: You know where to apply
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot
• Guns don't kill people, postal workers do
• It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you
• If we are aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
• Eve was Framed
• I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
• Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
• Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
  
• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
  
• I swerve and hit people at random.
  
• If you don't like my driving, then stay off of the sidewalk!!
  
• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
  
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
  
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
  
• She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the December Flower.
  
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains to be so popular?
  
• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  
• Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
  
• A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
  
• Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
  
• If they outlaw guns, can we use swords instead?
  
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let him sleep.
  
• I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather -- not screaming and yelling like the other people in his car.
  
• Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
  
• Forget about world peace, visualize using your turn signal!
  
• He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
  
• I support publik edekasion.
  
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  
• There are 3 kinds of people, those who can count and those who can't.
  
• Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
  
• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
  
• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
  
• I like you, but I wouldn't want you working with subatomic particles.
  
• If you lived here, you'd be home by now.
  
• Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
  
• Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
  
• Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them!
  
• Few women admit their age, few men act it.
  
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  
• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  
• Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all its students.
  
• According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
  
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  
• "Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes."
  
• "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
  
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  
• We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assmilated.
  
• Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
  
• Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
  
• Warning: dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
  
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart"?