Disclaimer: yeah, right, like anyone who owns any of these characters is ever going to read this! Get over it! Why do I have to make one of these things!?! This is stupid! I don't own these characters, except the staff of the Lighthouse, A-1 belongs to some company or another, and Haunter belongs to...well, Haunter, so just leave me alone with the stupid disclaimer stuff! And, by the way, Kika is part Pursian, part Flareon, part Human -- so, basically, she's a cat woman.

Tea Time

a tale of Goldie's Lighthouse

Our story begins with Jesse sitting in the living room of the Lighthouse with Meowth. It is Team Rocket's weekend off, and they have decided to visit Goldie, Kika, Camara, and Crystal Dawn.

(Goldie, Kika, and Camara Enter the room)

Goldie: Whatcha doin', chick?

Jesse: Not much. You?

Meowth: Kika! Lookin' good, toots! (Jumps into the catwoman's arms, purring)

Kika: Oh, Meowth, you're so cute! (Gives him a friendly kiss. He promptly faints. Everyone else in the room just gives them a strange look)

Goldie: Geez, you two. Get a room. (Gets a nasty look and what sounds like a hiss from Kika. All three sit down)

Jesse: So what's James doing? I've not seen him all day.

Camara: Didn't Crys tell you? She has him weeding her flower beds.

Crystal Dawn: (from outside)Moron!!! That's not a weed!!! Those are my irises!!! (Everyone looks at each other and blinks)

James: (from outside) Oww! That hurt! (Camara begins to snicker)

Goldie: (voice dripping with lechery) So. What've you two been up to?

Jesse: Well, last week we followed that brat Ash to-

Goldie: (interrupting her) That's not what I meant.

Jesse: (hesitantly. She knows what Goldie is getting at) What do you mean?

Goldie: You know.... Are you two...(gives a little"come on" motion in the air with her hands)

Jesse: (very suspiciously) What?

Camara: What she means is, are you and him.... You know....

Jesse: (very suspicious and irritated) What?!

Kika: (Still petting Meowth) They want to know if you're getting it on. (Everyone, including the "now-conscious" Meowth, gets a BIG anime sweatdrop.)

Jesse: Uh. No. (The Lighthouse staff look at her and blink in disbelief) Why are you staring at me like that? (The Lighthouse staff continue to blink in disbelief) You don't believe me, do you?

All Three: No. (Blink again)

Jesse: Stop that damn blinking! (All three stop their blinking)

Goldie: Oh, come on! You don't think we're that dumb, do you?

Jesse: I haven't a clue what you're talking about.

Camara: Yeah, you can't expect us to believe you two walk around in the woods by yourselves all the time like that and nothing ever happens.

Jesse: Ummm....

Goldie: And what about that time you went to his parent's house? Afterwards, in the hot-air balloon, you were *not* shaking hands.

Jesse: Well, umm.... Hey! How did you know about that!?!

Kika: (in a bored voice, pointing to a TV in the corner) We have a TV.

Jesse: Oh. Yeah.

Camara: And a VCR.

Jesse: Ehhh...

Goldie: With slow-motion.

Jesse: Errrr....

Goldie: Well, if you're not going to do anything with James, can we have him?

Jesse: WHAT?! No! (thinks for a second) Waitaminnit.... how much would you give me for him?

Camara: Well... (pulls half a bag of Doritos from nowhere) I have half a bag of Doritos.

Jesse: (leaning forward) Barbeque flavor?

Camara: No, just plain.

Jesse: (sweatdropping again) Darn.

Goldie: Ummm.... I have four bobby pins and a lighter.

Jesse: No sale.

Kika: I have a ball of yarn. (holds it out in her hand)

Meowth: SOLD! (grabs the yarn)

Jesse: Meowth! We could've gotten something better! James is worth more than a ball of yarn!

Meowth: (playing with the yarn) To who?

Jesse: Idiot! We could've sold him on the black market for more!

Kika: You can go ahead and have the yarn, Meowth. I don't want James. (hugging Meowth, who looks as if he's going to faint again) How much do you want for Meowth?

Camara: Ewwww.....

Jesse: I can't sell him. He's not mine. (Goldie and Camara look at each other and blink, pondering that last statement. They look at Jesse and blink again) I TOLD YOU TO STOP THAT DAMN BLINKING!

(Crystal Dawn enters, carrying a jar of salsa, a bag of tortilla chips, and a gallon jug of tea. Psycho-puff, her jigglypuff, follows her in carrying two more gallons of tea)

Crystal Dawn: (very hyper) Hello, everyone! Does anyone want salsa!?!

Goldie: No.

Crystal Dawn: (sitting down and giving everyone the psychotic "Joker" grin. She begins shoveling in the chips and salsa at light speed) (In between bites)Oh, well. More for me!!!

Psycho-puff: (pouring a large glass of tea and holding it out to Crystal Dawn) Puff!

Crystal Dawn: (taking the tea and giving Psycho-puff the psychotic "Joker" grin. Psycho-puff backs away) Thanks, Psycho-puff!!!(begins gulping down the tea)

Camara: Are you okay, Crys? (gets the psychotic "Joker" grin and backs up)

Crystal Dawn: (shoveling the food and tea in her mouth)I'm fine!!! I'm just on a "Butch Tea High"!!!!

Kika: Huh?

Goldie: What's that?

Jesse: As in "Cassidy's partner, Butch"?

Crystal Dawn: That's right, Jesse!!! (gives her the psychotic "Joker" grin, and she backs up as well)

Goldie: What the hell are you talking about, Crys? And don't you dare give me that damn "psychotic Joker grin", either.

Crystal Dawn: I'm on a "Butch Tea High"!!! (looks around the room and finds everyone staring blankly at her) Okay, this is what happened: I was reading fanfics, right!?! And I found some with Butch and Cassidy in them, right!?! So, I'm reading and drinking this tea, right, and so Butch starts doing disturbing things in the fics, right!?! So, every time he did something disturbing, I took another drink of tea; and every time he did something REALLY disturbing, I got another glass, right!?! By the time I was done, I'd drunk about a gallon of tea, right!?! So, I stayed up all night, right!?! And that was last night, and I've not been to bed since!!! I'm too hyper!!!!!!! (starts having jitters. Everyone continues to stare speechlessly) W-w-w-w-what are y-y-you looking at!?!

Jesse: Whatever he did couldn't have been all that bad, could it?

Crystal Dawn: (pulls a couple of fics out of thin air, and offers them to Jesse) Wanna see for yourself!?!(Psycho-puff, who knows what's coming next, pours Jesse a glass of tea and hands it to her as she takes the fics)

Jesse: How'd you pull those out of thin air, like that!?!

Crystal Dawn: I'm writing this fic!!! I can do anything I damn well please!!!

Jesse: Oh. (looks at the fics)

Psycho-puff: (worriedly) Pu-u-uff....

Jesse: (reading) Let's see here... (takes a sip of tea) Ummm.... (blinks her eyes and takes a drink of tea) Ewww... (takes a LARGE drink of tea) Ehh....(takes a gulp of the tea) ....That was uncalled for.....(finishes the glass. Goldie, Kika, Camara, and Meowth just sit and stare at her)Aaaakkkk!!!!! That's disgusting!!! (looks at glass) Oh, no! My glass is empty!(spots Psycho-puff with a gallon of tea) Give me that!!! (throws fics aside and grabs the tea from Psycho-puff. She turns the jug up and drinks it. Everyone stares in amazement. Meowth hops off Kika's lap and picks up the fics Jesse was reading)

Meowth: Humans. It can't be that...(starts to read) bad. (Psycho-puff pours a glass of tea and hands it to him) Eww. (takes a sip of tea) Ehhh....(takes a drink of tea) That's just...eww. (takes a LARGE drink of tea) That's worse than James' crossdressing...(takes a gulp of tea) I wouldn't do that if ya paid me.... (finishes the glass) Yaaaaaaaah! Ewwww! (notices he's out of tea) GAAAAAH!!! Jesse, gimme that!(snatches the jug away from her and begins gulping it himself. Jesse's eyes glass over)

Crystal Dawn: Told ya so!!!

Goldie: Whoa.

Kika: Ditto.

Ditto: Dit-TO! (everyone turns to look except Jesse and Meowth, who are still reeling from their first brush with the infamous "Butch Tea High")

Camara: I don't get it.

Goldie: Crys, what the hell did you write that thing in here for?!

Ditto: (sounding disappointed from being called a "thing") to....

Crystal Dawn: I can't help it! It's the tea!

Kika: Well.... do something with it....

Crystal Dawn: Okay!!! (Ditto disappears for no apparent reason) There!!! It's gone!!!

Meowth: (still on the "Butch Tea High") Ehhhhhhh......

Jesse: (still on the "Butch Tea High", as well) Errrrrrrr....(Suddenly, everyone hears the noise of a gigantic tank outside. Everyone except the tea victims looks around. The noise stops as the tank is shut off)

Goldie: Oh, no. I know who that is.

Camara: Crys, why do you even let him come around here!?! All he does is piss people off!

Kika: And he pulled my tail the last time he was here!

Psycho-puff: (angrily) Puff!

Crystal Dawn: So!?! He doesn't bother me!!!

Goldie: But you're too hyped up on tea all the time to notice how annoying he is!

Crystal Dawn: (having another attack of the jitters) I-I-I-I am-m-m-m--m-m n-n-n-not!!! (A male figure opens the door and walks in. He is wearing jeans, a white tee-shirt with a red "R" on it and a black cape, and he has some kind of rifle slung over his shoulder)

The guy: Greetings!

Crystal Dawn: Hi, Haunter!!!

Haunter: (noticing that Jesse and Meowth are twitching) What's wrong with those two?

Crystal Dawn: "Butch Tea High."

Haunter: ah. Hehehehe. Hey, I ran over something with the tank when I came in the driveway. I think it was big and yellow and had leaves or something....

James: (from outside) Victreebell!!! (Everyone blinks. Crying from outside can be heard)

Crystal Dawn: (producing the salsa and chips that seemingly vanished about halfway through this story) Want some salsa!?!

Haunter: No thanks. Got any fries?

Crystal Dawn: Hmmm....(pulls a plate of fries from out of thin air) There ya go!!! Want some tea!?! I still have a gallon and a half left!!!

Goldie: Hey!!! How come you don't offer us anything to eat!?! We're hungry, too!!!

Crystal Dawn: You have Doritos!!! And you're not company!!! (Haunter munches on the fries and gives Goldie the finger without Crystal Dawn seeing)

Haunter: (snickering) Yeah, Goldie.

Goldie: (pulls down the bottom of her eyelid and sticks her tongue out) Kiss my a--

Crystal Dawn: (interrupting) Goldie!!! Get over it!!!(to herself) Hmmm.... I'm bored with these chips....I want something else!!! (pulls a plate with a steak on it and a bottle of A-1 from out of nowhere and chucks the chips and salsa out the window. Everyone stares in amazement)

James: (from outside) Owww! Salsa? He-e-e-ey!

Meowth: (smelling the steak)Huh? What's that? You got steak!?!

Crystal Dawn: Yeah!!! You want some!?!(produces another plate of steak from thin air and hands it to Meowth)

Meowth: Yeah!!! Meowth! Fillet mignion!

Crystal Dawn: (chewing her steak) Good, huh!?!

Camara: (suspiciously) What have you been doing with that gun, Haunter?

Haunter: (around a mouthful of fries) Target practice. You know -- pigeons, pedestrians, mimes.... that sort of thing.

Jesse: (finally recovering from the "Butch Tea High")Huh? Who's that? And why is he wearing a cape?

Goldie: (irritated)Well, he won't tell us his real name just to piss us off, but we call him Haunter.

Haunter: Hey, it works!

Jesse: Oh. (noticing the steak)Hey, you have food!

Crystal Dawn: Yeah!!! You want something to eat!?!

Jesse: Okay...Do you have any chocolate?(However, before Crystal Dawn can pull anymore food out of thin air, James comes stumbling in the door, covered in dirt) James!?! What happened to you?

James: (falling, more than sitting, down beside her)I - I've been pulling.... weeds....

Jesse: Are you going to be okay? (puts her arm around James)

Goldie: (snickering)Told you so.

Jesse: (to Goldie)Shut up! (to James)You look sunburned.

James: (leans his head on Jesse's shoulder) Uhhmmmm....(passes out and falls on her chest. Jesse just blinks her eyes)

Goldie, Kika, and Camara: (snickering)Told you so.

Jesse: James, wake up. (James doesn't wake up) WAKE UP!!! (He blinks and realizes that he's staring straight into Jesse's cleavage)

James: (snapping straight up to attention)Oh. I'm awake. (Suddenly, everyone hears a bunch of footsteps outside. The door swings open to reveal....)

Everyone: OFFICER JENNY!!!

Jenny: Freeze! Kids, come in here! (Ash, Pikachu, Misty, and Brock appear in the doorway) Can you tell me which one of them it was?

James: Whatever it was, I didn't do it! I was weeding the garden! Honest!

Goldie: (drily)I bet it was Haunter.

Haunter: (sheepishly)Well, I did get in a little target practice....

Misty: (pointing at Haunter)He's the one!!! He shot my little Togepi!!!

Haunter: Well, I had to find some use for the damn thing!!! It isn't good for much else but target practice!!!(a growlithe comes running through the open door and runs up to Crystal Dawn)

Crystal Dawn: Growly!!! Why didn't you keep these people out like a good guard dog!?!

Growly: Grrrrowlithe! Grr-Grrowlithe growlithe! Gro-o-o-o-owlithe!

Meowth: He said he remembered those three from when they helped us with Jessebelle and thought they were friends of ours.

Growly: Lithe!(notices James)Grrrowlithe!!!(runs over to James)

James: Growly!(Growly begins to lick him on the face) (giggling)Stop it, that tickles!

Jenny: Haunter, I'm placing you under arrest for killing an innocent pokemon!

Crystal Dawn: (sighing)Yeah, whatever. (pulls a pair of earphones from out of nowhere and places them on her head)

Goldie: Damn, I wish I could pull things out of nowhere like that.

Crystal Dawn: Psycho-puff, sing.

Psycho-puff: Jiggly! (begins singing. Everyone but Crystal Dawn passes out)

Crystal Dawn: Hmmm....(takes off the headphones)Good job, Psycho-puff!!! Now let's drag these do-gooders out of here!!!(begins dragging Officer Jenny off by the feet)

The End